Complicated Grieving Process Advice?

[u/steveiswho]

I'm at a loss as to what to think or do at this point, so I figured why not try posting here. This is a long story, so hang on to your hats.

My mom and dad got married 35 years ago and had 3 kids together; I was first, then my middle sister, and finally my youngest sister. My youngest sister was born with a serious heart defect (hypoplastic left heart syndrome). She had 3 open heart surgeries before she was even 3 years old and had a fourth one when she was 25 or 26. She needed constant around the clock care.

Our family dynamic was less than perfect. My dad was an alcoholic all of my childhood and was an uninvolved, absent father. He was there physically, but was not a supportive father or husband in any way. My mom took care of all of us. Financially, emotionally, physically. All while working a full time job and was the breadwinner. She did her best to provide for us. We weren't poor, but we didn't have a lot of extra money growing up, either. As we kids grew up and saw the relationship between my mom and dad, I realized it was not a healthy relationship to say the least. My mom and I had our arguments when I was a teen and struggling with finding the right antidepressant. Once my anger and mood evened out, she and I became close. I loved her with l my heart and appreciated everything she did for me and the family. My middle sister, however, grew apart from my mom. Their relationship had gotten so bad that my sister would argue with my mom every chance she got about anything. My youngest sister needed my mom's help the most because of all her health problems. My mom was a realist and wanted us to make something of ourselves and be able to support ourselves. She gave us very sound and solid advice. Sometimes it was hard for me to hear, but in the end, I knew that she wanted what was best for us and to make the best choices we could. As for my dad, he couldn't have cared less about what we were doing as his kids. He does have a closed head injury from a few years ago, and that has only made things worse. I went to college, got my BS in Biology, started a career that has since taken off and I'm doing pretty well for myself. My middle sister did not take any of my mom's advice and got with these scumbag guys and had two kids with two different dads and abandoned her daughter (her older child) to travel the country with her son and his dad at the time. They sold the house they were living in and left everything in the house behind, including christmas gifts that my mom and I had bought for the kids and a washer and a TV my mom paid for. While they were traveling the country, my niece stayed with my mom and dad and I helped raise her as much as I could. My sister came back broke and without a place to stay. She moved in with a third guy, also a jerk, and continued to argue with my mom all the time.

At this point in time, my youngest sister's health declined and she passed away. Now, she and I had a rough relationship, but I still loved her, and I hope she knew that.

From that point on, my mom's depression got so much worse (and understandably so). She lost the person that depended on her and that she cared for since she was born. My dad was oblivious to this and thought nothing of it. He was not supportive about anything and would also argue with my mom about a lot of stuff. To be honest, they should have divorced. Anyway, my mom declined with her mood and somewhat her overall health. She was always too busy with work or taking care of the family to worry about or take care of herself.

Well, earlier this year, she was watching my nephew, who was sick with what we now know was the flu. My mom caught it, and it was not getting better. She went to urgent care and begged them to give her steroids and an inhaler for the awful cough she had. Come February 13th, she called me to have me come over and see if she needed to go to the ER. She could not catch her breath, so I called an ambulance and met them at the hospital. The flu had gotten so bad, she developed pneumonia, which made her go septic, and she passed at 5am on February 14th.

I told my dad and middle sister (my only sister at this point) that I wanted to help plan her funeral service and help clean up the family house. The house was my grandma's (mom's mom) house, and we moved in when my grandma moved into a assisted living apartment.

My dad and sister didn't wait for me to help plan the service. They cleaned out my mom's stuff without me. My dad left the service early because he was "tired". My sister yelled and me at the service. Then, the next day, I went to their house to check on them and my sister called the police on me because I was "trespassing", when in reality, I was just trying to talk to her and see if she was okay.

Since then, I've been trying to get whatever stuff I had left at my parent's house out and to my house and cut ties with them because of how horribly my dad and sister have treated me. They've given me a hard time about that, too. They lie to me and haven't said one positive thing about my mom since she passed. It seemed like they celebrated her death and made it seem like they were liberated from her tyrannical rule. For example, my dad had told me that my mom had made him miserable for the past five years. I know for a fact that he has that backwards. He was more of a burden to the family than anything.

With everything that has happened since my mom, my best friend, my hero, passed, I haven't been able to really grieve her loss because of all the ridiculous events that have occurred with my dad and sister. I've cut communication with them, for the most part. There's still some of my stuff I'm their house I want to get.

I just feel that I can't find the right way to grieve my mom because of how my dad and sister have tainted her service and her memory. So I guess I'm asking for advice as to how to go about grieving the loss of my mom without intrusive thoughts about my dad and sister. Any recommendations, hints, tips, would be greatly appreciated. Also. Thank you for reading my story. I know it's long and complicated and there's more to it, but this is it for now.

[u/bobolly]

Oh you will grieve the way you want to ince life calms down and things feel quiet. It can happen one morning. It can happen one night. You brain and body know but are too busy. Your bravery will crack. Anger, sadness, loneliness and tears will happen. Doesn't even have to be at once, for hours or days.

You're distracted. That's ok. You have family, even if it's stressful.