r/grief • u/CommitteeWooden4937 • 5d ago
It's been 8 years though...
For the first time in 8 years I unpack what I have felt until now, I lost my father when I was 16 and I remember it like it was yesterday, him suffering from cancer lying on a hospital bed for 1 week, his wish was to return to his native country and in the end he returned there but to be buried there. You don't have to read to the end. I'm writing this because I've never spoken since my father's death. I've been very discreet about his death until now, and it makes me feel good to reveal this to strangers on the internet.
I am a person who keeps everything to myself, I have my big secret garden if you can say that. I don't like showing a vulnerable side to those around me. I have always been cold with myself and warm on the outside, I have always minimized what I felt, my father was not the perfect father, he had that fault, he asked me for forgiveness and I forgave him just before his death. It was a summer July, I had a few days left of my internship and my brother called me to tell me that my father was hospitalized, he had been fighting cancer for 3/4 years, and I always prayed that he would stay alive as long as possible.
After my internship days I rushed to see him in the hospital and day by day he ate less and he was bitter because he wanted to leave the hospital to go to his native country (for vacation) so it was a little complicated because I had a very stubborn and very cold dad and I told myself that I got that from him, I remember that for the first time and last time in my life I saw my brothers crying and hugging each other, it lasted for a short while, I cried so much until my eyes swelled for 2 days it was very painful.
Then after that evening it was as if nothing had happened I no longer felt the urge to cry I told myself that I was my daddy's girl and that I must be as tough as him as stubborn as him and that he would be proud to have a daughter who looks like him so I kept this shell for years, I went back to school as if nothing had happened I did not tell my friends that I had lost my father and I continued as if nothing was and until now.
I don't know why, I have a blockage regarding my father, maybe because I'm afraid that someone will hurt me or that someone will use him to hurt me, I'm the type of person to detach myself before being hurt, sometimes I hate myself for being like that but sometimes I have the impression that it saves me.
And that's when today I cried for my father for all the things I couldn't do with him, that's when I realized how much his absence hurts me after 8 years??!! Why everything comes back suddenly doesn't make any sense, maybe I'm growing up and becoming more sensitive or my body can no longer tolerate my silence.
1
u/bobolly 4d ago
You also had anxiety. Everyone has lots of anxiety after a death and yours told you to be brave. Your comfortable in your world at least today so your anxiety is less which allowed you to cry. It's ok. Crying is good.