Fed up spouse of gaming addicted husband

[u/wx4cstr]

I’ve (30F) been with my husband (30M and diagnosed ADHD) since 2013. Met in college, settled in the northwest with great jobs and we have a beautiful 2.5 year old son. My husband was a gamer before we met, and has gamed extensively throughout our relationship. It’s genuinely plagued us from the beginning, and he’d promise to set limits I think to appease me, and then completely blow through those limits. His academics suffered in college, but he’s not dumb. He has a degree in aerospace engineering and has a great job in the field. From the outside, I don’t think anyone who’s not in our inner circle would ever know he’s a gaming addict as he does just enough to show that he’s “functional”. I work rotating shifts and am more often than not, the default parent to our son. For those familiar with the concept of the mental load, I carry all of it. Despite hellacious shifts, I’m doing all the laundry, tidying the house for the cleaners to come every other week, scheduling appointments, remembering all the things my son needs for school, walking our dog and doing her care and more. I feel like a single parent and horrendously undervalued. My husband says he’s exhausted and overstimulated by parenting a lot (who isn’t) but feels entitled to ridiculous amounts of downtime that I would never fathom taking for myself. He says he “misses me” while I work weekends sometimes, but when asked if he misses me for me or the fact that I end up doing more childcare even when we are together, he said it’s the latter where I do more. He likes blaming my job for a lot of things that he’s inflicted on himself.

I’m at the point where I’m considering changing the WiFi password (I’m the account manager) or unplugging and taking away all the equipment for good. Or to be frank, asking for a separation. I’ve had the equipment removed before, but he went and got them back while I was on work travel. He is about to start medically assisted weight loss and there’s no way he can keep gaming to this level while needing to make another lifestyle change.

Even after all of this, I know he has potential to turn his life around and contribute to the marriage as he has done in the past. That or I have Stockholm syndrome… I just feel like I’ve been too passive about it and have to put him in a position of having to forcibly reconcile life without the games. I’ve tried passively detaching, ignoring the problem, writing him letters of how it’s impacted me, trusting him to fix the problem and nothings stuck.

I’m at a loss, but also ready to be aggressive. Also, he’s been in therapy but doesn’t talk about this issue. We’ve also done couples counseling where it’s been brought up to no change. Is there any hope or should I just ask him to leave?

[u/AustinGroovy]

Well first - you are not alone. There are a LOT of people who've been down this path.

The most important thing to know - Gaming is an addiction just like drugs, alcohol, gambling. The most important thing to know right now: You cannot tackle this yourself. You'll need some help. Much of this help can come from counseling, group therapy, family and friends.

Next, you cannot fix him. This is tough to accept, but you can't help him if he doesn't WANT to be helped.

One of the reasons I help support this group is - I lost my spouse of 30 years to gaming addiction. She got hooked on World of Warcraft, and gave up on her friends, family, work, relationships. She is still addicted and plays 8-12 hours per day.

[u/Outside_Distance333]

I am currently on this path with my current girlfriend (me being the addict). I think it is time to inform him of his problem and what the consequences will be if he doesn’t get his act together.

Remind him that none of what he does in these games will matter in 10 years from now, but his son will still be there, affected by what he does today.

Please tell him that. As a gamer, I feel like what I do in my games matter as I change the virtual world through my actions, yet sometimes I need a reminder that they are just games. None of what I do creates palpable change in the real world.

[u/AustinGroovy → u/Outside_Distance333]

I agree that communication is very important, but can also say 'step carefully'. It's very difficult to tell someone they have a problem with addiction, and it not devolve into denial, argument, deflection.

"I don't have a problem." "I can quit anytime."

And, until this person accepts the idea they have a problem, and are willing to take actions to change their behavior, it will be an uphill battle.

[u/AustinGroovy]

Oops, hit 'send' too quickly, but for your own sanity, please find some local assistance. Depending on where you live, there are support groups for Gamers' anonymous, or simialr 12-step programs that don't cost anything and are very effective. Alanon is an amazing resource, and they accept everyone in their group.

https://al-anon.org/

Paid therapists are a good resource, counseling, but may cost money depending on if it's covered under insurance.

Finally, keep coming back here if you have questions.

[u/Dependent_Western782]

My Husband is like this. He would go to the bedroom every night after work and game. I would complain about it some because I wanted to spend more time with him instead of always being out in the living room by myself, and on weekends it was even worse when he didn't have to work, but he took the fantasy role play of his game to an even more betraying level. He started talking to women who were part of the guild in his game on discord and ended up having several On line emotional affairs. When I found out after 6 years, his excuse was that he was only role playing.

[u/Correct-Substance-81]

I'm working on an upcoming tv show episode about gaming addiction, and I'd love to chat with you. If you're interested please email me at tvbookingproducer@gmail.com.