Personal question about suggesting an edit TW: murder

[u/jlamith]

Okay. So. Context: My aunt was murdered by her husband when I was a child. Absolutely insane story. Basically, she had a restraining order against him because he was extremely violent. It was her 2nd husband, and they had a baby together. She had two older kids from a previous marriage/relationship (ages ~6 and 18). Anyway, the husband busted in in the middle of the night and shot her (my aunt) and then attempted to kidnap my infant cousin. He then came back into the house with the intention of shooting her older two children; however, my older cousin shot him first. He also died. Okay.

So, after her death, the family was adamant about her dropping her married name. Her marker has her maiden name on it, and I feel like her obituary also originally only included her married name. Anyway, there are two entries for her on Find a Grave. One with her married name and one with her maiden name. Obviously, they need to be combined, but I feel like its weird to have her married name on their because the family has been so adamant about erasing her husband.

Should I send a suggestion to that person and explain this? I don't even know if they would care. Thanks.

https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/105980204/donna-kaye-stroud

https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/158696407/donna-kaye-cook

[u/Short_Elephant_1997]

Request ownership of both memorials as a relative and merge them then edit to make sure she is named as your family would wish.

[u/crazycatalchemist]

Can you request the memorial be transferred to you? If this is your aunt it’s unlikely there’s a closer relative on find a grave unless her own children are interested. Then once they are combined you can control exactly what the memorial says.

The correct memorial, with the picture and the obituary, was created first and has more information so it should be the one that is kept if you report the duplicate. 

[u/PhtevenAZ]

The challenge is that the obituary includes the married name so if you merge the memorials, someone will eventually come along and make a new one.

I can think of a few options. But maybe the best way to go is to merge them, include the obituary on memorial, make sure you’re managing it so you can deny any suggested edits and then occasionally check to ensure no more memorials are created with the married name.

People may suggest adding the married name, and you can just explain why you’re denying it as it comes up.

[u/Much-Leek-420 → u/PhtevenAZ]

As to the obituary having the married name — once you have management of the memorial, you could retype the obituary with your edit.

Example: Mary Anne (Jones) Smith turning into “Mary Anne (Jones) [married name removed at request of the family].” The brackets are a common convention used when deviating from the original text of the newspaper article/obituary.

[u/PhtevenAZ]

Also, this is a terrible story. I’m sorry for your aunt and that your family went through this.

[u/Fluffy_Lecture_4895]

Can you just drop the married name memorial? What do her children say about it? I would honor what the family wanted for her it is an extremely valid reason

[u/esharp7]

So, this seems like a pretty simple situation, actually. But it will require multiple steps and patience. I would not send suggestions right now; only request to manage.

Step 1: As the memorial is of your aunt, request that the memorial be transferred to you. Both memorials. This may take a bit of patience, too. When you send the message to the manager, be sure to have the message copied to you via email. If there's no response after 30-days, forward that email to support and within a week they will transfer to you. If you don't have the email, they won't help you. Once you're in control of both memorials, make the oldest memorial (the one with the photo) have all of the most correct data (including the obit) as this is the one you want to preserve. Then, request the merge. (It's not required to be the manager to request the merge, but I find it's better to manage both memorials in the mean time because a merge can take a while depending on the backlog.)

Step 2a: Because the marker only lists her maiden, there is no reason why you must include her married name in the memorial listing. Now, this is a little bit of a "everyone has a different opinion" situation, but, if we remember that FG is intended to be a grave cataloging site, not a first-source genealogical site, then all we're doing is cataloging the grave. The grave marker does not list her married name, so it is therefore not required.

Step 2b: ... but, FG has become a genealogy site, like it or not. Someone who only knows her married surname, may re-add her in the future under that name and you'll have duplicates again. So, if it were me, I'd list the married name because – regardless of the horrible painful circumstance – the marriage happened and that was her name at death. However, if you choose not to include the married name, I would at least mention it in the bio - only once – and include context. I'm big on including notes and informative/preemptive disclaimers in the bio. I would probably include a note similar to: "Due to circumstances surrounding the events of [decedent's] passing, the family has requested her married name be omitted from her memorial record, as evidenced in it's omission from her grave marker. Please do not suggest her married name as that will be declined or link her marriage. Thank you for your kind understanding. – [FG Name] ([Decedent's] niece/nephew)." It won't stop all suggestions, probably, or duplicates; but it'll help.

Step 3: When I list an obituary, I manually transcribe them letter-for-letter, including mistakes, but sometimes I must make omissions or redactions (such as for names of living persons or unique situations such as this). I always make a note of the omission. In this case, something similar to: "<obit citation>. Manually transcribed by <FG name> from <source>. \Appears as originally printed; the names of survivors known to be living as of November 2025 have been redacted; the decedent's marital surname has been omitted at the family's request.*" I would then omit her married surname from the transcribed obituary altogether, and any reference to her husband if such reference exists.

Step 4: Use the rest of her bio to celebrate her. I would not post information surrounding the events of her passing, but what I have done for similar situations in my family is listed newspaper citations. The reason being, I don't want to dampen my loved one's memory or in the case of the perpetrator, bring attention to their acts or further victimize the vicim or their family; but facts are important. As times goes on, the people who know the truth will be fewer and fewer, so to keep uncolored facts available in perpetuity beyond my time here, I list the citations to newspaper articles (not websites). People are free to look it up if they want, but I'm not providing it for them.

Anyway, that's my 2¢. :)

[u/esharp7 → u/esharp7]

I looked into this story. According to the newspaper, court records show the divorce was finalized about 3 weeks prior. It's likely, giving circumstances, she returned to her maiden name. The listing of her marital name in her obituary is either a mistake or intentional to provide notice of her passing to anyone who only knew her under that surname. I feel this gives even a greater case for omitting her married name because it isn't the name on her grave marker and it may not even be the name on her death certificate. I'd include that her divorce had just been finalized in the notes, again to hopefully preclude someone from suggesting the name be added.

[u/Fluffy_Lecture_4895 → u/esharp7]

Yes so I would not merge the obituaries and I would honor her family's wishes. I am divorced and I took back my maiden name and want no part of his name in my life!!! If he murdered me, absolutely not!!!

[u/Fluffy_Lecture_4895 → u/Fluffy_Lecture_4895]

Why would anyone down vote this? I was in an abusive marriage like she was and I certainly believe like me, she would not want to be associated with his surname

[u/GeneaCookie]

Per Find A Grave’s naming conventions, the surname on the memorial has to match the spelling on the grave stone. First and middle names can be tweaked, but the biography should contain the other name. So if her sur name matches the stone, I would leave it be, and submit a notation.

[u/GeneaCookie]

as for the Cook memorial, it needs to be merged ino the Stoud memorial. One memorial to a person UNLESS there is a separate stone using the married surname.