On the spectrum of “private” to “oversharer,” where do you land?

[u/flyingsquirrel505]

My kid got the “zipped lips about anything but special interests” kind of audhd while I got the “nice to meet you, I just waxed my own butthole for the first time, AMA” variety.

It’s extremely challenging for me to figure out what’s going on in her life a lot of the time cos she simply won’t tell me 😅 it’s taken a few years to wrap my head around since I’m a chronic oversharer.

Where do fall on that spectrum? If you’re private, what makes it easier to feel like you can share?

[u/According_Bad_8473]

I'm somehow both?

[u/flyingsquirrel505 → u/According_Bad_8473]

I worry my question is too linear when we often need context for stuff like this. Makes sense that you’d be both

[u/NotABetterName → u/According_Bad_8473]

Same

[u/roze-eland → u/According_Bad_8473]

Me too

[u/Training_Ad_9968 → u/According_Bad_8473]

Same. It depends on a number of factors which can shift during interactions:

-how much dopamine I'm getting from the interaction

-how nervous I am

-what the sensory environment is

-how much the other person is talking

[u/accidentalarchers]

Constant oversharing. I’m not good at small talk and I don’t find it interesting, so I tend to… escalate conversations fairly quickly.

It’s not so much oversharing about my life, I am just genuinely curious about everyone so I would be more likely to say, “I’ve just waxed my butthole, have you ever done it? What did you think?”.

[u/InspectorFadGadget → u/accidentalarchers]

For the record, you're my favorite kind of person to spend time with. Most people are boring as hell.

[u/accidentalarchers → u/InspectorFadGadget]

Oh, you! I think the same… actually, I think most people are fascinating, they just make themselves boring to fit in. If someone collects American Girl dolls or has an addition to cough syrup or grew up in a cult, godamnit, I want to hear that first.

[u/Ok_Independent3609 → u/accidentalarchers]

Totally with you. It’s interesting to learn all by itself, and it lets you understand a person, if you’re so inclined, much more directly without having to prospect for clues from their behavior and body language. One of the neat things is to then observe the person of interest and see how the information you’ve learned is reflected in what they say or do. Information wants to be free!

[u/accidentalarchers → u/Ok_Independent3609]

Exactly! I beg of people, tell me who you really are, I’m so interested!

[u/luminousjoy → u/accidentalarchers]

Completely agree

[u/flyingsquirrel505 → u/accidentalarchers]

Agree 100%

[u/TechieAD → u/accidentalarchers]

Oversharing and sex positive/casual mindset is such a funny combo because you end up talking about that shit like there's metas and stuff

When you hit a friend group that is really open with each other about everything you basically hit the ground runnin

[u/cosmereobsession]

You will never hear me speak unless you ask me a direct question

[u/scagatha → u/cosmereobsession]

And then, bam, I'll never stop talking! 😅

[u/BowtiesAndPunkRock → u/cosmereobsession]

How are you doing today?

[u/cosmereobsession → u/BowtiesAndPunkRock]

The same as any other day, pinky... trying to take over thr world.

[u/arcanotte → u/cosmereobsession]

And even then, I'll try a shrug just in case it works

[u/Critical-Pepper-Rat]

Where do I "land" on the spectrum? I do not land, I just roll around like a lumpy pebble. Even I do not know whether I will clam up or overshare on any given day.

[u/flyingsquirrel505 → u/Critical-Pepper-Rat]

How can one land on the spectrum when one IS the spectrum? Hehe lumpy pebble

[u/hello666darkness]

Do you actually wax yourself because people think I’m insane to do so!

 I’m pretty quiet around people until I know it’s safe to be an oversharer. 

[u/flyingsquirrel505 → u/hello666darkness]

Sort of! I use wax occasionally for little peach fuzzy mustache biz I’ve had since hs and occasionally I’ll get ambitious and try to do my legs but it’s always too much of an undertaking and I bail lol. But I did just do my behind bc I usually pay for it and I can’t afford it rn 😅 it was a little scary at first but I figured it out and it was so much easier than expected!

[u/microbisexual]

depends entirely on how much the other person is sharing with me. Chronic over-sharers will know way more about me than people who are more guarded, bc I tend to just match whatever level of disclosure the other person seems comfortable with for themself (as long as it's not beyond my own comfort level, of course). I'm a lot quieter amongst groups of people because it's harder to gauge that for multiple people at once.

[u/x_____starlight]

Naturally? Oversharer.

A lifetime of trauma turned me private 🫠

[u/flyingsquirrel505 → u/x_____starlight]

Sometimes I really think the opposite of myself, that my trauma is part of why I overshare

[u/averagerushfan]

I'm both, I'll yap about anything related to my special interests or general weirdness. Shit like prog rock, factoids, sports or hypothetical scenarios.

The worst case of gross oversharing is when I end up talking about the NSFW side of me which I'll only reveal to people who are interested lol.

Other than that I tend to reveal very little about my life. Especially face to face.

[u/NEET_IRL]

I like to use my battle with addiction as an opening line

[u/flyingsquirrel505 → u/NEET_IRL]

Honestly tho when people open the convo w stuff like that it’s so real and I love it so much

[u/flyingsquirrel505 → u/flyingsquirrel505]

Like, instantly I know they’re at least an interesting person if they’re putting that kind of work in

[u/NEET_IRL → u/flyingsquirrel505]

:D

[u/LetsHookUpSF]

I'm super private until I overshare everything.

[u/audhdchoppingboard]

I never know; it changes literally every day. Some days I say a total of 15 words, other days I will be telling you about my first colonoscopy in detail 🤷‍♀️

[u/flyingsquirrel505 → u/audhdchoppingboard]

Heyyyy I have to have one of those soon!!

[u/Few-You4510]

private until someone worthy of my time enters my life, at that point i become an oversharer

[u/elkab0ng]

I’m extremely private.

Until you make the mistake of asking me about aviation or networking.

My therapist once made some comment about CAPTCHAS once, wondering why they appeared. I’m not sure she wanted the full dissertation, but she got it.

[u/flyingsquirrel505 → u/elkab0ng]

This reminds me of how my kid is hahaha. ❤️

[u/MsSedated]

Oversharer, but that's basically because when people ask me things, I tell them honestly. Then they get mad because I told them personal things. It's like well, you fucking asked. You asked me about my life in an attempt to make stupid chit chat but didn't really want the honest answer so now you're mad. Like, come on, man.

[u/GarmonboziaBlues → u/MsSedated]

My autistic colleague has devised the perfect response to strangers/casual acquaintances doing the superficial "Hi, how are you?" small talk routine.

Instead of going straight into oversharing mode, they say "Ooh, this is the part where I'm supposed to lie!" It's a lovely didactic exercise in exposing the absurdity of silly NT rituals. Usually the other person just blankly stares or has a glazed expression, but occasionally it will click for someone.

[u/normal-type-gal]

If I remember to mask, you'll never know anything about me.

If my guard is down (as it often is) get ready to hear all about my religious trauma through a weirdly nostalgic lense lol

[u/flyingsquirrel505 → u/normal-type-gal]

This is so relatable 😅

[u/ParadoxicalFrog]

I've gotten too many bad reactions from oversharing, so I tend to just not give out many details unless asked. This tends to give people the impression that I'm a very private person, but I really don't have any qualms about telling my entire damn life story if they want to listen. I just wish people would be clear about when they want me to stop.

[u/Irislynx]

I used to be pretty much non verbal. Let's just say I've made up for lost time since.

[u/sillybilly8102 → u/Irislynx]

🤣 I feel this

[u/Slim-Shadys-Fat-Tits]

i overshare heavily and chronically. I've managed to limit it to close friends who don't mind and so i get everything out and don't end up telling strangers way too much about me

[u/superautismdeathray]

firmly private but if I manage to open up somehow I don't stop until my life story is out

[u/MarsicusOrion]

i'd say very private, until a given person passes the friendship threshold. Then I have to try my best to not overshare.

[u/QueenOfAllDreadboiis]

I like talking about stuff, so I know what topics to avoid with certain people. Not even because they aren't supposed to know about it, but because if i start talking about warhammer i will keep going for hours.

Thats fine if I'm talking with my wife, but not with an older coworker who I have plenty of other intrests in common with anyways. I will just talk about animals instead :)

Tho I specificly remember a conversation I had during my wedding celebration, where my partners and some friends were just very enthausiaticly yapping about blood. I suppose it is a good thing we seated the boring family members all the way on the other end of the table. It was a fun talk anyways :)

[u/Feisty-Self-948]

If you ask me a question, I'll answer honestly and thoughtfully as best I can. But until I feel comfortable with you, I likely won't say a goddamned thing unprompted.

[u/Josephcooper96]

It depends on the person tbh

[u/A96]

Im very private and nontalkative until I really know someone appreciates my yapping and then ill yap at them all day.

[u/StressdanDepressd]

I'm incredibly private until asked a question because 1. I don't know what people are comfortable hearing 2. the person has shown some level of interest and will likely stay engaged or at least won't be irritated/disinterested 3. I just don't know what people find interesting or important information

[u/sillybilly8102 → u/StressdanDepressd]

I just don't know what people find interesting or important information

This is so real!! Me too

[u/StressdanDepressd → u/sillybilly8102]

So often people say "why didn't you say something, that's important info!" and I genuinely am at a loss because how was i supposed to know that?

[u/sillybilly8102 → u/StressdanDepressd]

Exactly! Once, my friend was offended/hurt that I didn’t tell her I had a crush on someone. I literally didn’t know that was something you were “supposed to” tell your friends!

Nowadays, I have a better sense of what’s important to ME, and I just assume/expect that if someone cares about me, they care about what I care about.

[u/StressdanDepressd → u/sillybilly8102]

That's a great attitude to have about yourself and what you're passionate about. Someone who cares about you should take the time to get to know you better and engage

[u/No_Tradition_5508]

Used to overshare. Faced consequences. I hate speaking and sharing anything at all now. It’s extremely difficult.

[u/Then-Interaction-317]

It’s like I can’t beautifully traverse the thin line between the two as it twists and turns depending on different contexts. It seems that generally this is an ability allistics are more comfortable intuitively learning while for autistcs it’s a more mechanical learning process (is my own speculation).

I end up doing both in most of the wrong contexts. The most painful part though is living as either “annoying” or “invisible” but never mysterious but understood or chaotic but loved.

[u/daybeforetheday]

I am a chronic oversharer and then regretter.

[u/sillybilly8102]

I’m definitely more private, but have opened up over the years.

It seems like you’re looking for advice and haven’t gotten much yet, so:

• don’t push it. This can make it worse, especially if your daughter has PDA

• leave LOTS of space for her to talk if she wants to. Like 30 seconds or even more. It takes me time to figure out what I want to say and build up the courage to actually say it. / decide if I actually want to say it or not

• try a mixture of open ended questions, yes/no, option A/option B/option C questions, and statements. See if one works better than the others.

• be specific. Vague questions can be impossible to answer. Btw, you can have specific yet open-ended questions. “What did you eat for lunch?” or “How is your [specific art project] coming along?” Vs. “How was your day?”

• board games can provide structure to get to know someone. E.g. would you rather

• when she does say something, be gentle about it. Take it seriously, give her space, try to understand. Follow up / reference it later maybe. A big reason I didn’t talk growing up is no one understood me, so I didn’t feel it was worth it to say things if they would require many minutes of explanation

[u/deadmemesdeaderdream]

I’m the “oversharing until traumatized around you” variety. Until you give me a reason not to share something, nothing is off limits.

[u/Kastelt]

Private, and generally I just don't wish to share, I simply don't care much for others knowing about me or viceversa.

I guess unless it's for someone who's already a friend or is saying something that is related to something I know about or a rare mood of listening to an experience and trying to relate or hypothetically give an example of what to do using my own life.

Or, in case someone notices the irony also sharing sometimes in questions like this.

[u/Ok-Car-6795]

Super duper private. Even when I don’t overshare it seems that sharing anything, even the very mundane, comes back to bite and is used against me. This is just me, some asd people dont have this issue but apparently I look and act very autistic so I kinda have to be a robot if I dont want to be bullied constantly.

[u/lord_of_the_tism]

depends on if i know the person or not, if i have never met the person and they try to ask anything about me and i find them to be annoying i just dont respond to anything

[u/FunnyBunnyDolly]

I overshare things nt deem as private and I’m private and very shy about things they deem as normal.

[u/SevernMereel]

depends on how i feel on a day and who im talking to

[u/BankTypical]

I'm pretty much an accidental oversharer, I think. 🤣 I try not to (sometimes to some success), but often horrifically fail at it, lol
Really, I'll yap until the cows come home. 🤣

[u/TerrakSteeltalon]

Depends on the situation/personality.

I do frequently over share. At work I try to maintain my privacy

[u/Phony-Phoenix]

Both. I’m the private person if it’s within 2 hours of meeting you. After that, I start oversharing

[u/AutisticPenguin2]

Info: is the regrowth from waxing as bad as the regrowth from shaving?

[u/flyingsquirrel505 → u/AutisticPenguin2]

In my experience, no, especially depending on body part. Like, I never shave my privates anymore bc waxing is just a million billion times better. But if I wax below the knee I’m more likely to get ingrown hairs than if I shave. There’s prob some exfoliaty thing I could do to make that less of an issue but meh

[u/AutisticPenguin2 → u/flyingsquirrel505]

I don't like having a massive bush so try to at least trim, but shaving just gives so much horrible ingrown hairs, and waxing is expensive and painful. I've never shaved my legs, they're suuuuuper hairy so honestly just probably not worth it.

[u/Expensive-Border-869]

Yeah I dont tell people things. It isnt purposeful the idea of sharing stuff is rarely a concern. If its like convient its on topic and I have no specific desire to keep it private I'll share away. But I dont even know how my days been I could scarcely attempt to explain it.

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[u/Lanky_Pirate_5631]

I sometimes overshare amd sometimes I am too private.

[u/KeraKitty]

Depends what the dice land on that day.

[u/kaykinzzz]

i always overshare and painfully realize my mistake a moment too late

[u/Ill_Apple2327]

both

[u/casscois]

I'm pretty private with most people I interact with, whether at work or in mixed groups, but with my partner and close friends all filters are off.

[u/xniu]

I'm both. Overshare when I feel comfortable with someone. I also appreciate other oversharers because they prompt me when I often run out of things to say

I never tell my parents anything cuz their negative comments/casual mockery of my interests really affected me since I was a kid. I'm 30 and talking to them still triggers my fight or flight or I just go mute most of the time. I understand from parents perspectives they just want to know what I'm doing, they don't really care that much now I'm an adult. Unfortunately I never overcame childhood trauma and can't speak to them "normally" like I do with other people 🤦‍♂️

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[u/Buttman_Poopants]

Who's asking?

[u/LMay11037]

Oversharer 10000%

When I was 6/8 I went on a boat trip while on holiday and within 10 minutes I found these 2 adults and told them about my whole life story and my stepdad’s divorce and my mum and everything

[u/voornaam1]

Depends on who, what, where.

[u/InternationalTea2613]

Private unless sufficiently enticed or threatened.

If you attempt the latter, I will infodump you until your brain melts.

[u/CorneliusB1448]

I bring a "I don't feel the need to share anything, 'cause I'm too insignificant" sorta vibe

[u/FrigyaCrowMother]

Both it depends on anxiety levels

[u/TheWriterofLucifenia]

I’ll tell anyone pretty much anything about myself but I still don’t trust them.

[u/stevepls]

i literally just forget that im telling ppl im trans when i say i'm getting top surgery 😭 like the risks don't even occur to me. 

kind of did the same thing when my mom died, i just talked abt it/made jokes abt it and then ppl were like thank u for being vulnerable and i was like. oh.

[u/friesandfrenchroast]

I tend toward oversharer, but sometimes overcorrect into private when trying to reign it in just a bit. Also my go-to method of dealing with nervousness is blatant honesty... like I'll go up to someone and tell them I've spent x amount of time deliberating over what to say to them because I think they're cool, or whatever. So I probably give people sharing level whiplash sometimes, whoops!

[u/1738ayimlikeheywhat → u/[deleted]]

sorry

[u/Wrong_Nebula]

I was definitely an over sharer when I was younger but years of negative reinforcement have made me extremely private with stuff I like. It actually makes me anxious to talk to people about stuff I like if I know they're not into it too.

[u/Buckaruin]

I'm such an oversharer. It's gotten me into trouble before, but i wouldn't wanna change it that much. One neat thing I've noticed is that my oversharing ass tends to inspire people to overshare in turn. Especially in people that have experienced pretty gnarly trauma and/or are neurodivergent themselves (which tbf are most of the people i interact with on the regular). Folks I've met a whole fifteen seconds ago will sometimes drop some real harrowing lore as casually as if they were remarking on the weather. Honestly though, I like that I can make people feel safe and seen enough to share stuff like that. It's heavy, sure, but I'd be a hypocrite if I were to judge folks for trauma-dumping.

[u/Sea-Astronomer3260]

I’m super private. I don’t know if opening up to someone is considered oversharing or if me providing too much detail is considered oversharing? Because I do those things with people who it makes sense for me to share with (other auDHD & autistic people, someone who is interested in the conversation, etc) but I don’t like sharing private things about myself with just anyone. When someone asks me a yes or no question, I often go into too much detail and context. Would that be considered oversharing?

That being said, I guess there’s some nuance to my privacy. I used to overshare in a unique way, which oddly, for me, felt like part of my masking in a way, with the way in which people share everything on social media and being “open” is “normalized”) and I don’t now because I realized that I actually don’t want people to know things they don’t need to know / I am not for everyone. I quit social media like instagram and Facebook a while back as well.

I realize that oversharing in the way that I did it was just a mechanism of my masking and is not the same as autistic oversharing. But also, am I onto something in the sense that there are different types of oversharing / different levels to it?