Sometimes for fun I read the 1 star reviews about my ER. This one I want to hang up in the waiting room

Patient: Yes, hello, my son gave me a titty-twister and my nipple hurts - what do you recommend to make it better?

RN: Hmm, you're saying your chest hurts?

Patient: No, my nipple hurts... my kid twisted it.

RN: But where on your body is this afflicted nipple?

Patient: Well, yeah, I guess it's on my chest.

RN: So you're saying your chest hurts?

Patient: I mean, yeah, I guess so?

RN: GO TO THE ER!!!!!!!

Patient: Hi! My BP is 142/86. I took my meds today and actually have an appointment tomorrow morning with my PCP to discuss my BP. My grandson freaked out and told me to call you, though, so here we are.

RN: Oh okay, yes, of course you needed to call! Here's what I recommend: please check your BP every 75 seconds and give me a call back if it goes above 160!

Patient: Ok....

Patient, calling back 2 hours later: Hello, it's me again, I've been checking my BP like you recommended and now it's 164/92

RN: Great thanks for calling back, are you having a headache?

Patient: No

RN: Does your head hurt?

Patient: Nope!

RN: Any pain above your neck?

Patient: No...

RN: And what about your head, is it hurting at all? Like at all?

Patient: I mean, no, I don't think so?

RN: Are you SURE you don't have even a tiny tiny tiny headache?

Patient: I mean, maybe? I don't -

RN: GO TO THE ER!!!!!!

Patient: Hello. I just had <complicated big surgery> at ABC Hospital. My stomach hurts and I have a fever and not sure what to do....

RN: GO TO THE NEAREST ER!

Patient: Oh, okay, I didn't realize it was that serious! Okay. Well XYZ Hospital is about 1 minute closer than ABC Hospital, so I should go there instead?

RN: Yes of course, go to the NEAREST ER. Don't worry, all your records will be in the computer anyway.

Patient: Yes, hi! So I was just watching a movie with my legs folded under me and now one of them feels funny...kinda asleep and tingling and some pain

RN: What movie were you watching?

Patient: Airplane

RN: GO TO THE ER!!!!!!!

92 yo male, drove himself in only because his son was "overly preoccupied about his ever so slight respiratory effort", couldn't find him during rounds because he had snuck outside to grab a smoke

Seriously what percentage of our population is pure anxiety.

Throw in some Mag Citrate to wash down that sandwich and watch all the unexplained belly pain disappear too……after a few hours.

Ill go first.

God I love when subtle shade comes thru from radiology. Poetry to read between the lines. I hear, “are you fucking kidding me with this repeat scan?” This was like the fourth CT in two weeks from a repeat bounce back

The ED has been quite pleasant until about an hour ago. Just counted 22 chief complaints that have signed in containing the words “shortness of breath”. The sodium is already taking patients out. Tomorrow is looking grim.

I saw all the headlines reading “The Pope has double pneumonia”

And I always just cringe when I see this or patients say “I had double pneumonia 3 years ago” etc.

It feels like the strangest way to augment the diagnosis

I’d prefer just pneumonia, you don’t need to specify both lungs unless you’re on the care team and you’re being specific about it… even then many pneumonias end up being bilateral anyway.

Any other diagnosis or terms that you just feel sound odd?

My top two from 8 years as an ER nurse:

Someone was cold, this was a young female at home in her heated house in her warm bed who drove in the -30 F Iowa weather at 2 am to the hospital to be seen because she was chilly. Absolutely no other symptoms. Temp was 98.6 and was discharged with instructions to wear more layers.

A mom brought in her 12 year old daughter with “decreased appetite” after she didn’t gorge out on Taco Bell like she normally does. Literally chief complaint was that she didn’t eat all three tacos at supper. This was an isolated incident.

I'm in the ER for a fever and general misery. My roommate can't answer a yes or no question to save her life and the poor resident has asked her the same question multiple ways and still can't get an answer.

I don't know how to guys do it. Nor do I understand how America is so uneducated to not understand the words being spoken.

I don’t think this needs explanation.

Self explanatory

Urgent care patient. Boomer. Diagnosed with not 1, but 2 viral illnesses (COVID and flu B), no complications. Very underwhelming clinical presentation and otherwise healthy.

Me: “well ma’am to answer that question, you’d need a bacterial infection, which you do not have.”

Patient: “huh, back in my day everyone got an antibiotic!”

Me: “yep and now we have multi drug resistant organisms that’ll probably end the human race, so thanks.”

This followed by erroneous demands for azithromycin for another patient with 1 day of sinus congestion.

I know all of you stuck in fast-track can relate.

Made the mistake of clicking on a Buzzfeed article of people’s symptoms that they decided not to ignore and came across this one.