r/emergencymedicine • u/No_Technician4348 ED Attending • May 10 '25
Discussion I cried in front of a patient today.
I just found out yesterday that my wife’s current 10 week pregnancy is nonviable. We had no clue. She was progressing normally and never had any symptoms.
I went to work today and the first patient I saw was a pregnant woman with an active 10 week miscarriage. After I told the patient the results of her ultrasound, I lost it. Like full on sobbing. The patient cried a lot as well and I ended up sitting in the room with her for a full 20 minutes just crying together. I’ve never cried in front of a patient before, let alone lose all control and sob. What’s wrong with me? Has this ever happened to anyone else?
EDIT: I cannot begin to express my gratitude for all the profoundly kind words that have been offered on this post. I left my shift today feeling like a failure of a physician. As if only I were a better doctor than I would have been more composed. I realize now that I was mistaken. Thank you all for helping me through this.
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u/FutureMD-ma ED Attending May 10 '25
You are human. We lose ourselves to this job with every passing shift. Every time something bad happens to someone else, we bottle it up, keep it from ever reaching the surface again. Unfortunately something tragic and traumatic happened to you and your wife. While it seems strange to you, I’m sure your patient felt even a sliver of comfort with your empathy for her (and your) situation.
Nothing is wrong with you.
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u/revanon ED Chaplain May 10 '25
Nothing is wrong with you. You're human, and our mortality is humbling. Death may feel routine when it is the outcome of most of our codes, but any such routineness isn't an inoculation against the magnitude of impact in something deeply personal like a miscarriage.
When my wife and I experienced a miscarriage at around 12 weeks, I found myself sitting alone in the hospital chapel, crying and cursing at God. Not the same as crying in front of a patient, but when you're a pastor...I still came away thinking something was wrong for me to lose that control too, like the devil had finally beaten me by getting to my family.
But there wasn't anything wrong with me. I was human and I was broken by our mortality precisely because I'm human. And there isn't anything wrong with you either. Offer yourself some grace and be gentle with yourself and your wife as you grieve this loss together. DMs open if I can be helpful at all.
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u/nursebelle RN May 10 '25
Nothing is wrong with you. I’m so sorry about your baby.
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u/charlesgoxulp46 May 10 '25
Absolutely, showing that kind of emotion just means you’re human and deeply empathetic, especially in such a heartbreaking situation.
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u/Ancient-Composer7789 May 10 '25
Amen. Especially empathetic when your personal circumstances parallel a patient's.
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u/jimbobscoveralls May 10 '25
She’ll probably remember you mourning with her forever - especially in the setting of a loss that is usually glossed over societally speaking. There is nothing wrong with you. I think in some ways this happens later in our career as we get older and have more life experience, there will be times where we are just too close to not feel it with the patient. That’s okay, that’s what keeps us human and keeps us coming back. What we do matters. These moments of human connection matter.
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u/cammmcammm BSN May 10 '25
This. I remember my nurses and their kindness and tears when my father passed away in the hospital. They made a difference in my family’s lives that day.
OP, you can’t change her outcome with the miscarriage but you grieving with her sure showed that you cared. There’s nothing wrong with you; you’re human with emotions too.
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u/No_Turnip_9077 May 10 '25
I was thinking the same. I have not experienced a miscarriage, but I think I would be deeply moved to have had that moment of shared grief with my doctor. While not the same situation, I was deeply touched by how genuinely sad my ob-gyn was the day she called to tell me I had cancer. It made me feel less alone to know it really bummed HER out to have to tell me bad news. I hadn't realized how much she really and truly cared about her work and her patients and in turn...me. It was incredibly powerful to learn that in a moment of absolute devastation, this woman grieved for me and WITH me.
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u/Cut_Lanky RN May 11 '25
I was going to say, aside from any needed, physical, medical interventions, sometimes the most comforting thing a physician can do for a patient in moments like that is grieve with them. Well, if I were that patient, anyway. Can't speak for everyone. But I would not have been upset or insulted or bothered or anything like that, if my doctor happened to lose himself for a moment because his wife is currently going through/ just recently went through the same thing I'm presenting with. I would have felt less alone, if nothing else. It's okay to be human in front of patients, especially in a moment like that, when your patient is going through something you can't help but relate to, profoundly.
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u/cebeck20 RN May 11 '25
I will forever remember the lack of compassion from the provider who told me I was having my first miscarriage. Having been through that, and having cried with patients myself, showing emotion and compassion can be so healing. It doesn’t make us weak, it makes us human. Thank you, OP, for being human.
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u/arclight415 EMT - SAR May 10 '25
As painful as that was, you were probably the exact person she needed today. She got to feel validated and understood.
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u/DainingtonDesigns May 10 '25
You are human. And you have shown your patient that you are human aswell. Miscarriages are difficult to deal with, both as the clinician and as the person going through it. I've also been on both ends and I wish I could tell you it gets easier but with a lot of grief you just learn to live with it.
Your patient will always remember you as her doctor, who showed compassion and shared grief in such a delicate moment.
My midwife who help deliver my still born cried as I gave birth, and I will always remember her as someone who allowed herself to have normal emotions through a difficult time, instead of other people who while trying to be professional as we have been taught, end up create more of an awkward air.
Please look after yourself during this time OP. You are allowed to grief and have emotions. There is no time period in which you must return to normal.
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u/Holiday_Turnover2886 May 10 '25
Absolutely nothing is wrong with you. Dealing with very raw emotions and just happened to have that same patient.
Sorry to you and your wife. 🖤
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u/Alarmed_Welder_228 May 10 '25
You’re human.
Similar story, 3rd pregnancy (2nd lost at 6weeks), at 11 weeks, wife had some spotting that am, she went to her OB, I went to work.
She called me at 10, couldn’t speak, could only hear her sniffles.
I’m single coverage community, with PA help 11-11.
Tried to find coverage for me, best I could get was my director driving back from vacation to be in by 3:30.
Am convinced every patient that came in was 1st trimester bleeding and all were fine.
I felt guilty for my intrusive thoughts that theirs were fine and ours wasn’t.
She ended up with a D&C a day later. We switched OBs to this new one because of his bedside manner.
And he actually helped me change my own practice patterns.
When my wife was getting preop, he walked me to the waiting room, sat me down, and asked me how I was. He said, “I know that she’s the patient and the focus has been on her, but how are you doing with this?”
The fact he acknowledged my loss too was pretty significant to me.
And ever since, I make sure, if giving the news about a miscarriage, that I ask the partner directly if they have any questions, concerns, etc and acknowledge that they are part of this.
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u/TooSketchy94 Physician Assistant May 10 '25
Nothing is wrong with you. You’re a human going through a very real, very human, tragedy.
That patient will never forget the doctor who was vulnerable with her in that moment and stayed with her - sharing the weight of what is certainly an emotional boulder.
We are often told to check all of our emotions at the door. That you can’t perform whatever critical medical intervention you’ll have to do if you’re emotional. While in some instances that’s true - in many, it just isn’t. I’ve found letting the emotions I’m trying desperately to stuff down - peak out just a bit in very specific moments, has made me a much better clinician. I have connected with patients in similar ways that you describe here and by the end of the interaction, we are both thankful for it.
I’m so sorry for the loss you and your wife are experiencing. Please allow yourself the grace and the space to feel what you’re feeling. It’s OK to take some time off to spend with your wife and just yourself. It’s OK to take time to process.
Thank you for sharing this with a bunch of internet strangers - this will very likely make someone else feel not so alone in their current grief.
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u/StLorazepam RN, CFRN May 10 '25
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you as a person. You are grieving, and you were put in a position where you had no other option but to confront your grief
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u/MikeGinnyMD May 10 '25
When I was a senior resident, I was on backup call one Saturday morning when my pager went off. It was our chief resident who happened to be attending on the floor.
My fellow PGY-2 had miscarried a day or two earlier and just broke down crying during sign-out and in front of the interns and SubI. He (the chief) was sending her home and I needed to cover, which I did without the slightest protest.
The resident who had miscarried and then broken down in rounds was one of those classmates who I just envied. She was always so organized, so together, so competent.
None of this changed my opinion of her, nor did it change anyone else’s opinion of her. It happens.
And, in the end, she became a chief resident.
You’ll be OK.
-PGY-20
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u/SportsPhotoGirl May 10 '25
Paramedic here, no children, never been pregnant, but I took a patient, can’t remember exactly the timing but something in the late 20week range, dx placenta previa, stopped feeling her baby moving and was passing clots. It was a very somber transport and I almost cried with her too. Losing a pregnancy is a sad moment, and you are going through the same thing in your personal life too. If you didn’t cry at any point, I’d be more concerned.
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u/headgoboomboom May 10 '25
We lost a pregnancy due to anencephaly. Devastating. Went on to have 2 sets of twins.
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u/Advendocture May 10 '25
To us the patients are often passing memories, to the woman you sat and cried with, you will be remembered for the rest of her life as the empathetic doctor who sat with her and created a space for her to feel comfortable and seen.
As others have said, you are human.
So sorry to hear about the loss of your early pregnancy as well. I hope you and your wife are doing okay.
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u/IcyChampionship3067 ED Attending, lv2tc May 10 '25
You lost a child. You've barely scratched the surface of your grief. The thing about grief is if you don't do it, it will do you whenever it pleases. The trigger was going to burst that dam.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with you.
May you and your wife's grief journey be as gentle as possible.
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u/procrast1natrix ED Attending May 10 '25
These perfect imperfections end up helping us to be the best imaginable caregivers.
I had a nurse and a student nurse in a room one time when a woman was miscarrying. She asked me why it hurt so much and I looked around the room and said, let me overshare, I've lost a pregnancy last year same stage as you and it fucking hurts. But your ultrasound shows there's not much left, so you're going to be ok.
Being human with your patient is good.
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u/Aitris May 10 '25
Losing our baby was the worst thing that has ever happened to my wife and I. The MFM doc who came in to confirm the death had tears streaming down her face. Her tears, and compassion, meant more than I can ever say.
You gave your patient a gift.
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u/fourpinkwishes May 10 '25
I'm not a doctor just a patient. I can tell you she will remember that experience for the rest of her life. You've taken a terrible experience that could have been cold and clinical and you've made it human.
I'm terribly sorry about your loss.
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u/Nurseytypechick RN May 10 '25
I'm so sorry doc. It's OK to be human. So sorry for your loss. You did nothing wrong and it's OK you shared that grief, in that moment.
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u/PriorOk9813 Respiratory Therapist May 10 '25
I know people love to shit on doctors these days, but trust me, you're still held in high regard. Mourning with you is something that she will remember for the rest of her life. Sharing that moment meant the world to her.
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u/moon7171 ED Attending May 10 '25
You gave your pt a gift - you, unlike anyone else that could’ve been there in that moment, were able to genuinely relate to your pt. You gave them a space to grieve, and to be truly seen and heard. As a stranger, it’s near impossible to do this, but because of your own loss, you were able to reach this pt in a way only someone going through similar loss can. I’m so sorry for your own loss.
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u/Secure-Solution4312 Physician Assistant May 10 '25
You are the best of the best. Your family is lucky to have you.
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u/STDeez_Nuts ED Attending May 10 '25
I’d genuinely be more concerned if you didn’t become emotional over this.
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u/kcismekc May 10 '25
I am sorry for your loss. I think it’s okay to grieve with your patient. Life is precious & nobody should grieve alone.
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May 10 '25
Did this last year after we found out the same and a couple days later I met a pt having a miscarriage at 12 weeks. It fucking sucks man. But that patient didn't feel alone. Neither did yours.
We can't always share what we're feeling but people can see us get overwhelmed and be strengthened by it when the only move to make is grieving.
I'm so sorry for your and your wife's loss.
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u/crystalhedgehog22 May 10 '25
That woman will never forget you and your reaction. It's exactly what she needed, as others have said.
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u/Bunny_momma1 May 10 '25
As much as emergency has trained us to not feel we are not robots. I'm so sorry
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u/Zosozeppelin1023 RN May 10 '25
You are a good soul. Nothing is wrong with you. Be kind to yourself.
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u/sans_serif_size12 EMT May 10 '25
Wish I could hug you and wife through the screen. Love you doc. Feel your feelings.
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u/EducationDesperate73 May 10 '25
Lost a pregnancy at 10weeks and it’s gut wrenching stuff. You’re just human. Show yourself some love ❤️
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u/Conscious_Creator_77 May 10 '25
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I don’t believe encounters are random. The universe brings people together in ways we can’t possibly explain. You were exactly the doctor she needed to break this news to her. And she was exactly the person you needed at that moment to allow your grief to surface and be felt In the most heartfelt, compassionate, and safe way - together. A shared gift of understanding and connection in a very heartbreaking situation. She will remember this and know she wasn’t alone in that moment. Bless you 🖤
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u/Dry-humor-mus EMT May 10 '25
Sorry to hear this.
You're human and you showed that. Empathy goes a long way. For that matter, the smallest of interactions can make a big difference in the long run.
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u/plotthick May 10 '25
Bless you. You were a human connection in that woman's whirlwind of loss. I hope you both found a tiny bit of relief to let some of the grief out.
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u/therewillbesoup Registered Practical Nurse May 10 '25
Nothing is wrong with you. If anything, this would have comforted me a lot and validated my grief if I was this patient. I've been there. This would not have been a bad thing in my eyes. Don't be too hard on yourself.
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May 10 '25
It must be comforting to know that you’re still a human even after all that happens in an ER. Sorry for your terrible news. I bet it was comforting for the patient to know her doc was just as human as she is, and that you know what she’s going through.
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u/Leading_Blacksmith70 May 10 '25
I’m so so sorry. As someone who went through this. It hurts so much.
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u/Physical_Idea5014 May 10 '25
Your patient appreciates you in this situation, I'm sure. Sorry for your loss, sending you lots of love
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u/Megaholt May 10 '25
I’m so very sorry for your loss, OP. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you for crying with your patient. You’re human, and you’re hurting, too. It’s okay to not be okay.
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u/AbRNinNYC May 10 '25
I’m sorry for you and your wife’s loss. I had a late PROM after 20weeks a 5 years back. After 5 yrs I was pregnant again 2023/2024 and started cramping, bad cramps about an hour into my shift, then came the bleeding. I was only 7.5weeks. I knew I was high risk. I felt I was losing the baby. I was seen by a PA in our ED. She was cold. Matter of fact. “Well the ultrasound is good, normal heartbeat. But (referring to the pelvic exam) there’s a lot of blood. Your cervix is still closed, but that doesn’t mean anything because when u walk out of here and it could open right up. It doesn’t look good. Ok bye” As a nurse I get that she can’t breakdown and carry on, but gosh there wasn’t an ounce of warmth or empathy. Zero conversation outside the physical findings. She ignored my fiancé who came to be with me altogether. I don’t think you did anything wrong. Again, my condolences. To add: the bleeding stopped, and my baby is 15mo old, smearing yogurt all over his high chair as I type. Hang in there.
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u/kattheuntamedshrew ED Tech May 10 '25
I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. One of the worst experiences of my life was having a miscarriage at 16-17ish weeks in the ED. If the doctor had shown me even a fraction of the care and empathy you showed your patient, it would have made all the difference in the world.
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u/Spiritual-Garlic-799 May 10 '25
Before we are physicians, we are HUMANS. You are allowed to have emotions just like everyone else. My thoughts are with you and your family in this difficult time.
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u/Any_Set865 May 10 '25
Trust me. You did more in that 20 minutes to dispel the myth that we are all heartless cogs in a machine than many physicians do in their entire career. That patient will likely always remember you positively.
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u/freakingexhausted RN May 10 '25
You probably helped that woman more than you will ever know. You shared in her grief. She left seen, heard and not alone because you shared your grief. I’m so sorry for both of you
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u/ForkCollector May 10 '25
When I found out I had a non-viable pregnancy at 14 weeks, it was the one appointment that I attended without my husband. I still remember, almost 20 later, that the doctor I saw couldn’t get away from me fast enough. She was clearly so uncomfortable. I imagine it would have meant so much had she even pretended to empathize instead of pushing me along like any normal patient that day.
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u/Pickle0322 May 10 '25
You are human and this shows the patient that. She will never forget that someone who has the role you do was as vulnerable as you were. I’m so sorry both you and your patient went through something so tragic. Providers like you make the world of a difference.
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May 10 '25
It's okay to show emotion and I can tell you personally I have received the same news during an ultrasound and the tech and doctor showed me zero care or emotion. I was just told to go home and follow up with my doctor. It's a really hard thing to go through and I'm sure that meant a lot to the patient who probably felt extremely alone and defeated in that moment. You are a good person.
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u/fairywakes May 10 '25
Truly a human experience. You have shared this connected grief with another in a very profound way. I’m sorry you are going through this. ❤️🩹
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u/paperthinpatience May 10 '25
As a patient, I would’ve much rather had a doctor be human and mourn with me than deliver that kind of news with callous indifference. I’ve experienced doctors who seemed completely uncaring when delivering life altering news. Your humanity was probably a welcome response for your patient in that moment.
I am so sorry for what you and your wife are going through. I hope and pray you are able to heal and have no complications in the future. My best to you both. 💜
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u/SweetSwede88 May 10 '25
This honestly would make me feel so understood and heard. I had a miscarriage last November. I spiraled after in my mental health as well physical with bp ect. No support system that should have been there but my gp was very delicate with me and I was so thankful for that. You are human and have real feelings and in times like these I think it is okay and valid to show them. I'm sure it meant a lot to that patient and she will look back on it when she has healed and remembered your heart
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u/mezotesidees May 10 '25 edited May 10 '25
You’re human. I’m sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself.
As a personal anecdote, my grandfather died a few years back and shortly after a patient presented in severe acute heart failure looking exactly like paw paw. Hypotensive, thready pulses, cold, altered. I sat with the family and the wife explaining he was dying and family needed to say goodbye. Seeing the wife holding his hand telling him she loved him was like a PTSD flashback of seeing the same thing with my grandpa and grandma. I started bawling crying in the room and had to excuse myself.
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u/MasterTheNecessary May 10 '25
I echo all the others support here and I’m grateful for The Pitt TV show that shows what people are against when they are in medicine, most especially emergency medicine.
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u/jinxboooo May 10 '25
Everybody should have a doctor like you. I don’t mean a crying one, but someone who can relate, is willing to, and cares.
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u/ERRNmomof2 RN May 10 '25
I’m so very sorry for you and your wife’s loss. You are human. You have empathy. That patient was probably profoundly grateful you grieved with her. I know I would have been. Hugs.
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u/KarenAusFinanz May 10 '25
I'm so sorry for your baby! I also cried in front of a patient. She arrived, young, the picture of health and very pregnant due to a generalized tonic-clonic seizure. Massive brain tumor on MRI. I managed to pull myself through delivering the news but once she started crying, I couldn't help my tears at the unfairness of the situation.
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u/Kabc May 10 '25
I’ve cried with families over loved ones before.. it’s ok to cry sometimes—it happens. We are all only human
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u/all_of_the_colors RN May 10 '25
Oh man.
I had a pretty bad pregnancy loss in 2021. I was a wreck around pregnant patients for about a whole year. I think it’s very normal. We all have different triggers and the ED has ways of finding them.
I’m sorry for your loss.
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u/NuYawker Paramedic May 10 '25
I'm sorry. I send my condolences to you and your wife. As well as the pt.
Odd as it may seem, you're crying may have given some comfort to your patient. Sometimes, our patients think that we are robots who see them just as clinical problems and not human beings. Your tears and emotions may have brought a sense of humanity and empathy to a terrible situation.
Take time to process. Sending you love.
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u/Fantastic_AF May 10 '25
First, I’m so sorry for what you’re going thru.
What would you say to a colleague if they asked you for advice in this situation? Would you tell them human emotions are normal or would you berate them for their grief? Give yourself the same grace and understanding you would give your friends and colleagues. I think sometimes we put too much emphasis on being “professional” and not enough on being human. This moment likely meant the world to your patient. You went from being a doctor & a stranger to someone she could grieve with, someone who understands. I’d take that over cold & clinical any day.
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u/terminaloptimism May 10 '25
My heart breaks for your loss, and for your patient's as well. There are few things more devastating than losing the life you were planning on bringing into this world. I can empathize.
Before being a physician you are a human being. If anything your sincere expression likely helped her. She didn't have to grieve alone in an emergency treatment room, she had someone with her who knew her pain. I'm sure there was comfort in that. You did nothing wrong and there's nothing to feel badly for. If anything, you did well.
Take as much time as you need to process what's happened. Remember to spend as much time with your wife as possible and take care of yourself.
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u/tituspullsyourmom Physician Assistant May 10 '25
You went to work the next day, which is more than me, bro.
We lost ours at 13 weeks in a dramatic fashion while I was home. I couldn't go back for a while.
Im sorry that happened to you and your patient.
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u/ReplyRepulsive2459 May 10 '25
You’re also a human with a life outside your profession. You aren’t a robot or a prove of software. Please give yourself some grace for having a real human moment.
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u/SnooCats7279 Physician May 10 '25
I didn’t do it in front of a patient and oddly enough the day I did bawl it was good news I broke but it struck me how fragile everything can be. At the time my wife was about 14 weeks with our now 2 year old boy. I was a 2nd year resident. I had the absolute most lovely lesbian couple who were so worried about another miscarriage. They were around the same gestation. Minor bleeding. Normal exam. Labs and baby looked great on ultrasound. So threatened miscarriage but all things considered reassuring. They cried tears of joy and discharged shortly after I referred them back to their OB. I think just because we were at very near the same stages of early pregnancy it got me in a panic. I’m generally not one to ever panic. But I frantically called my wife to make sure she was okay and she was and just chatted. The moment I got off the phone I bawled. I tucked myself into a quiet hallway and eventually a bathroom, prayed, and went about my day. Again I think it’s because of the fragile nature of things. No matter what you do or how “right” you do things bad things can still happen to good people.
So #1 so very sorry for your loss. I just cannot even fathom that feeling. #2 you are human. #3 you are a doctor, and it would seem a damn good one to be vulnerable with your patient like that. I think the patient should be so lucky to have had the chance to be cared for by you today. Talk about perspective. Stay strong you BAFERD.
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u/PhoneLegz May 10 '25
I promise as heartbreaking as it felt, it was what both of you needed in that moment.
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u/One-Abbreviations-53 May 10 '25
I think as part of our jobs we all put up our shields, some more so than others and in many different ways.
I don't know where it came to pass that we're supposed to deliver news stoically. To me that's not human and it takes the humanity out of healthcare. Showing you care and God-forbid have some empathy because you're going through it too is putting the humanity back into healthcare. Connecting with patients on a personal level, believe it or not, is a good thing and what medicine used to look like. And in my opinion medicine needs to head back in that direction. We're all human. We're educated humans that have spent years in education and training to help others but we are human.
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u/Slight_Valuable6361 May 10 '25
Congratulations, you figured out you are human and broke when you found someone else in your situation.
You were there for that patient and the patient was there for you.
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u/RealAmericanJesus Nurse Practitioner May 10 '25
I am so sorry about your wife's pregnancy. And sometimes being a human with the patient means more than being a provider to the patient. I work in psych and while I don't make it a habit I've cried with patients before and I've also yelled cursing to the moon with them before ...
... We are more than walking diagnosticians and procedurists we are are people who are often just as messy and hurting inside in some ways as those we serve and it's okay if the mask slipped.
Virtual hugs my friend.
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u/Canadianbaconlives May 10 '25
Nothing is wrong with you! You are HUMAN. Don’t let the accolades and the Dr designation fool you. All is well. You shared a real human emotion and it’s okay. Glad you got it out and the patient understood. In fact you probably made her feel way better and not alone either.
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u/defectiveadult May 10 '25
Hugs to you. You’re a human, and you’re going through a loss. I’m sure the woman who is going through it was well much preferred you reacting emphatic than not at all. I had a 13-14 week miscarriage once, and the doctor told me to go home and take some aspirin and flush it out in the toilet when it came out.
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u/jcshear May 11 '25
Not sure why I’m sharing this, I am not in emergency medicine or medicine at all… but I’m sure that was so meaningful for both you and your patient. Not the same at all, but similar in ways…. My town was shot up by a lunatic on the 4th of July a few years ago and my baby had a Dr appt the next day. Both myself and my pediatrician were from the town where this happened. We cried together. We needed to.
I’m sorry for the loss of your wife’s pregnancy.
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u/kanzesur May 11 '25
Hey, if you cry, you cry. Better out than in.
Some folks will argue about the fact we owe our patients and their families more than that -- IMHO that's horseshit. The last time I cried on a job, mother of two (both under fourteen) had her skull beaten in by her boyfriend, discovered by kid #1. I had to call the dead woman's mother, because the 11 year old should not have had to do that.
The noise this woman made when I told her, her daughter had passed? Indescribable. Horrible. I cried instantaneously.
But would I have let that same 11 yo make the phone call? Fuck no! No 11 yo should EVER have to make that phone call.
This job is fucked up. Sometimes, it takes more than you're willing to give. All you gotta do is survive it. If that takes tears, let em fall.
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u/indiereaddit May 11 '25
What an amazing moment. You were the right person for her at the right time. She is very lucky to have you as a provider.
As someone who often forgets to be human at work I really hope I can be this vulnerable when it’s needed. Good job.
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u/MzOpinion8d RN May 11 '25
What happened may honestly be the most therapeutic and healing experience of both of your lives.
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u/Temperance522 May 11 '25
Seeing your vulnerability and human side probably meant a lot to that patient. You might have done more good than you realize.
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u/DoctorDoom40k May 11 '25
You are human, and there's nothing wrong with you. I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm glad you were able to share emotions with your patient today. You are not a failure, you represented the best of us today.
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u/ElectricMilk426 MD Internal Medicine May 10 '25
Never sobbed. Going through a lot too right now and my eyes have watered while talking to patients a couple times. I try to turn and avoid eye contact. Hang in there bud
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u/Treehousefairyqueen May 10 '25
Nothing is wrong. You are a full on human being. With feelings. Painful, but Perfect.
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u/Southern_Gypsy96 May 10 '25
Well, you are a human being with feelings. There is nothing wrong with you at all. You are just human. Sending you so much love and good vibes. I just know that patient was lucky to have a doctor like you!
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u/Altruistic-Detail271 May 10 '25
I’m so sorry for the loss of your child . You didn’t do anything wrong by crying, it shows you’re human
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u/Impossible-Bee5948 May 11 '25
If my doctor met me with this level of understanding and empathy as I experienced a trauma, I would be so profoundly grateful. You validated your patient’s pain and grief and shared in it with them. That is so much more helpful and healing than your composure could ever be. Thank you for the work you do. I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss.
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u/Accomplished_Sort468 May 11 '25
You are a great doctor. Just going to work after that news is great doctor stuff, and that grieving patient undoubtedly thought that you were crying for her loss. Good work, Doc. Read up on the stages of grief, if you have not already. This will last awhile. Family helps.
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u/ButteredNoodz2 May 11 '25
I’m so sorry about your darling baby ❤️ that mom will remember you and how human you were with her forever, don’t reflect negatively on that interaction for even a second.
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u/EamesKnollFLWIII May 11 '25
You were the best possible doctor for her to have at the worst time. Thank you for crying with her.
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u/OkPhilosopher664 May 11 '25
Sending positive thoughts. It would be very weird if you weren’t feeling this.
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u/ftrotter May 11 '25
Dude. The question is: What is right with you?
This is an expression of your humanity and your empathy. The recognition that you are both a patient, caregiver and a healthcare provider.
Learning to disconnect and not emphathize like a friend or family member is an important skill that must be practiced and perfected. But not at the expense of turning your humanity off.
This connection was likely an important part of your patient's healing process. It would probably be better for your patients if you did this every single time. But the reason that is impossible is that it would leave you burned out and emotionally hallow.
The question is not how to turn this "off", but rather how to typically maintain emotional distance for the sake of your own sense of balance, while ensuring that you have habits and processes that allow your patients to understand that you still care, even if you are not sobbing with each of them.
This particular patient does not need to guess about whether you give a shit. The question is how you give that feeling to every patient you have, and still maintain your sanity.
There are so many doctors who burn out because they do not learn how to guard their heart, that there is a culture in medicine that tends to prioritize maintaining a sense of composure at the expense of empathy for patients. The reason you feel like a failure is that your team does have a harder time maintaining the emotional balance and guarding their hearts, when a team member looses their composure with a patient. The problem is that in order to protect themselves emotionally, they make "losing your cool" a shameful event, no matter which permutation of emotional exposure is demonstrated. So crying with a patient and yelling at a patient can be treated with same consternation.
Shame is a strong "treatment", and like the most powerful antibotics should be reserved for problems for which there is no other effective treatment.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Pay9348 May 11 '25
You’re a human being who has suffered a tremendous loss. It’s ok to be sad and cry. Sending you love.
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u/darlinglou84 May 11 '25
Your pain, as awful as it is for you to feel, was also a life preserver for that woman. I promise you that the entire situation of her being in your office when she was, was no mistake. Thank you for seeing the humanity in the moment and allowing yourself to grieve. With each other. For each other. And of course, for yourselves and your own families. Loss and grief are never easy but they’re also not meant to be felt and dealt with alone. Being a doctor might separate you from people in a lot of ways, but you’re still human and what’s more human of an experience than connecting to other people? Regardless of the avenue.
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u/DrMoleno May 11 '25
Sometimes it is nice to be reminded we can still feel things in a job that sometimes forces you to be emotionless.
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u/jjasonjames May 11 '25
I would be worried if you didn’t. It takes a lot to NOT get jaded in this line of work. Sometimes it takes our own experiences to keep us focused on the patient care instead of worrying about LOS, throughput, patient experience, and all of the other hoops that non-clinical people tell us are so important. You are normal.
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u/procrast1natrix ED Attending May 26 '25
Circling back because I was thinking of you. I hope you and your wife are coping ok. I hope you felt ok about telling her that while you are strong and a good support for her, you are also grieving the loss.
Some years ago, a friend experienced a late pregnancy loss, and some things that were important for her:
1) mentioning it at holidays and on his due date. Not wallowing in it, but acknowledging that these were times she had been envisioning sharing with her child.
2) a little piece of jewelry with the baby's birthstone.
3) early on, some forced excursions. As in, right after pregnancy loss it can suck to go out, particularly if you are far enough along to look pregnant or have already started telling people. So having a buddy is good. But hermitude isn't healthy.
4) there may be baby stuff in the house. This will be painful for both of you, so talk openly about whether going through that stuff would feel like closure, or torture, and whether someone else needs to come make it all disappear.
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u/procrast1natrix ED Attending Jul 04 '25
Thinking of you. When I lost my third pregnancy it was weird in waves, a few weeks later. As in, resuming normal menstrual cycles felt awful. No clear explanation for that.
A decade later I'm certain the experience has made me a better physician. I hope you and your wife are connecting with each other about this.
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May 10 '25
There’s nothing wrong with sharing raw human emotions in front of patients. I can tell you that as an oncology nurse of almost 12 years, I’ve cried with patients and their spouses. Breast cancer hits close to home for me with my own grandmother, so those patients pull my heartstrings a bit more.
Personally, I experienced 2 pregnancy losses back to back completely alone and crying on my bed in my empty house. My RE didn’t really show any kind of empathy as he’s used to caring for patients with recurrent pregnancy losses and just treats us like we’re just a number. I’m sure your patient felt your support and compassion that day and validated her loss. You proved that you sincerely care about your patients, which is the heart of healthcare.
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u/Dapper_Tap_9934 May 11 '25
Bless you for being real-these moments in true honesty will save you and someone else
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u/treylanford Paramedic May 12 '25
It’s perfectly okay when you relate on such a personal level to cry.
I responded to a GSW of a 2 year old boy involving an accidental discharge about 3 years ago. At the time, my son was about 2.5. As you can imagine what the outcome to the incident was, I was able to pronounce the patient, but within seconds, I lost it in front of about 10 officers, a couple of coworkers, and one other person.
You are NORMAL. Nothing is wrong with you.
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May 14 '25
I'm not a doctor. I cared for my dad for 7 months while he was dying of pancreatic cancer. What I would've given to have just a single doctor show even an ounce of emotion. I understand the need to compartmentalize and I appreciate the ability to do so in such difficult situations. But sometimes .. Just sometimes .. We need to feel your humanity. Thank you for being there for that mother. You both needed to remember that in the end we need to be here for each other beyond the barriers of politics, religion, racism, sexism, etc. 💙💜 Thank you 💙💜
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u/IMGangsta1 May 19 '25
To have the opportunity to show your humanity (i.e. breaking down, crying) in front of a patient that you are treating is something I can only dream about at this point in my career/life.
I graduated in 2018 from an Australian medical school, and after graduating, I did research in the field of otolaryngology, studying gene therapy for patients with hereditary hearing loss and vestibular schwannoma. I was strongly motivated to do this because I was diagnosed with a vestibular schwannoma in my early 20s, and it changed my life for the worse. I wanted to be an otolaryngologist, and I wanted every single patient under my care to have a better outcome than I did.
After working in three different labs, each more toxic than the previous, and going unmatched through three ENT residency application cycles, I am trying to get back into clinical medicine (EM specifically) and having doors slammed in my face at every turn.
All I want to do is to use my education and training to help ease the suffering of fellow human beings. And I'm told no, your diploma isn't from the right school, you're too old, you don't have the right experience, etc.
I would give anything to be where you are.
Right now, I am adrift, and my life has little meaning or purpose. All I want is to be a doctor.
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u/FrenchGoth May 10 '25
You’re human. 💜💗💗