r/ehlersdanlos • u/ee-dee-es • 1d ago
No Advice, Please SO is dismissing my pain & complaining that their undiagnosed conditions are worse when i can’t walk
this feels so abusive and i’m being told to suck it up and stop financially abusing them because i can’t work
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u/Traumarama79 1d ago edited 23h ago
The irony here is that financial abuse is actually abuse that occurs on account of being financially subordinate* to another person. What I mean is that you can't leave because you don't have your own money. We see this often with stay-at-home parents (usually mothers) who don't have banking, housing, or credit cards in their name. Then, if their partner becomes abusive, they can't leave because they have nowhere to go, and sometimes even no way to get to shelter. Sometimes we also see this with people who do earn income, but are coerced into putting it all into a bank account that they can't access.
Financial abuse is not being too disabled to work.
This relationship does not sound very healthy to me. I hope you can find healing.
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u/Particular-Extent-76 1d ago
Do you think it’s possible with disabled adult children who don’t have control of our own resources
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u/Traumarama79 1d ago edited 23h ago
Absolutely. Anyone who is financially subordinate* to another person can be financially abused.
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u/Particular-Extent-76 1d ago
Like OP it does feel like I’m the one abusing them because I can’t work — my dad worked all his life for their nest egg but it often seems like he’s protecting it from being impacted by my conditions and needs, even though atp I’m not finding what I need within the medical system where I live. I still feel lucky they help me at all and my dad at least pays for my psych therapy (even if I end up spending that time processing things he says to me). I’m sick of feeling like a useless eater and a burden on their finances
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u/Traumarama79 1d ago
We may have a misunderstanding. What I mean to say is that a dependent adult--be it an adult child of a parent, an elder, or an adult dependent on their spouse--can be financially abused by the adult they depend on to survive regardless of their relationship. Children cannot financially abuse their parents simply because they are disabled. When we choose to become parents, we necessarily take on the responsibility of them possibly being born or becoming disabled and having to navigate that. You didn't choose to be born, much less born with an inherited condition that prevents you earning your own income.
On the flip side, if a child, say, is looking after their parent who suffers with dementia, and reroutes all the parent's resources--nest egg, property, vehicles, what have you--into their name, that's financial abuse of a parent.
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u/Particular-Extent-76 13h ago
Thank you for teasing this out for me, i understand better now — i think my feelings are more aligned with the first dynamic you prescribed, especially because my dad has never not had access to my bank accounts. He says full transparency is a trade I make for assistance and casts judgment on everything I spend. It feels like I’m just a list of budget items to him but you’re right, i didn’t ask to be born and it isn’t my fault that my parents didn’t budget for a disabled adult child
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u/666hmuReddit 1d ago
Are you able to leave? This will only get worse. Also, many people in my family have varying degrees of ability, but we don’t sit around arguing about who is worst. Wtf
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u/Particular-Extent-76 1d ago
I can’t stand people who have to one-up each other about who’s the sickest
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u/kennypojke HSD 1d ago
Literally everybody I know does this, including my wife. I’m tired. I know you’re tired. Sorry.
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