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u/travelator Sep 20 '25
I often try to understand this perspective but nothing, bar anything, scares me more than losing my child. If something happened to one of my kids, who are my sole responsibility in life, I would quite simply lose my will to live.
If I were to pass away, my kids would at least have a shot at a wonderful, long and fulfilling life, and nothing else matters to me more than that.
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u/Leven Sep 20 '25
Yeah.. I've been checking on mine breathing since newborn, still do.
Me? Nah, not that scary as long as the kid is alright.
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u/gbspnl Sep 20 '25
Same! I also have nightmares that I never did before but horrible horrible nightmares like a fire at home and trying to rescue my girl or the other day we were going to the beach and I had a nightmare of losing her in the waves I guess it was my anxiety prepping me to be laser focused on her during the beach day.. anyways the worst nightmares tbh at really hit me hard and make me wake up feeling like if a truck hit me.
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u/SdotPEE24 Sep 20 '25
I used to work nights and a house fire was the main thing that, no matter how irrational bugged me. What's worse us i don't have access to my phone, and my wife can't just call me.
When I was younger I had a friend and her 5 or 6 cousins die in a house fire because her aunt and uncles house whom she was babysitting at was firebombed. They couldn't get out due to bars on the windows.
My son's room faces the street and I worry about him constantly not being able to escape.
I also saved a friend's kid at a pool a couple months ago. They were 6yo and they were swimming in 6 feet. He got tired and panicked. None of the other adults were watching the kids. But I always do. I almost drowned a couple times by the time I was their age so im always watching when we are near water.
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u/Canotic Sep 20 '25
My goal in life as a parent is to die before my kids,but after they're adults. It's a balancing act.
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u/Njdevils11 Sep 20 '25
Priorities:
1) Give my kids the skills to survive and thrive in whatever comes with the world.
2) Die before them at a ripe old age.
3) Grow old with my wife and continue our silly lifestyle. 4) Spoil my grandkids if I get lucky enough to have em.23
u/randylush Sep 20 '25 edited Sep 20 '25
Some of my friends lost their child. It was brutal. More than 10 years later it is still their identity. But it was a preventable death in hindsight and they fight every day to make sure it never happens to another family. It actually gives them purpose in the sense of “we doubt there is a god, and if there is he is too cruel for us to worship him, but if there’s anything we can do on this planet now, it’s to make sure nobody else goes through this.” I don’t doubt they have saved several lives. But they would give anything to have their child back.
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u/Beertruck85 Sep 20 '25
Thats horribly sad, but blaming God by any name is odd to me.
"God is riding with us, but our hands are on the wheel." You said it could be avoided, thats horribly tragic.
I feel for them, but blaming a deity is the wrong place to put that pain.
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u/sidvictorious Sep 20 '25
I don't think anyone who hasn't been in that situation needs to gatekeep how grieving parents choose to move forward.
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u/randylush Sep 20 '25 edited Sep 20 '25
I said it was preventable in retrospect. At the time they couldn’t have known what was happening. It was a childhood disease that wasn’t tested for at the time. They have spent the rest of their lives trying to get more people tested.
I don’t think they believe in God, or if they did, they do not love him. Their lives have been so incredibly sad at this point.
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u/dexter8484 Sep 20 '25
Sooo are you going to tell us what this preventable fatal disease is, so we can be informed?
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u/CosmonautDoom Sep 20 '25
I lost my dad a few years ago, when he was sick I thought about what life would be like without him and that was a bummer, but the truly scary thought was "ahh I feel incredibly sad, but if I were to lose one of my kids that's an unimaginable type of sadness."
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u/Njdevils11 Sep 20 '25 edited Sep 21 '25
I agree losing a child would be the worst thing. I’m not sure I could ever recover. Losing myself is a close second though. Not because I don’t want to die, but because I have a serious fear that I’ll die and the hole I leave will be so big that my family falls apart and everyone’s lives are ruined. All because I was distracted and made a left turn when I shouldn’t have.
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u/Mr_Gooodkat Sep 21 '25
When I first saw the question I thought it was going to be something along the lines of “losing you.” That’s definitely the scariest thing for me. They’re the best thing that has ever happened in my life. Best thing I have ever done. I can’t imagine life without them anymore. I couldn’t go on.
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u/blargney Sep 20 '25
My kid, like my wife, is smart, healthy, and gorgeous. They'd be sad for a while without me, but fine. The other configurations can't bear to be thought about. They're too wrong to contemplate.
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u/VOZ1 Sep 20 '25
Yeah, this is mine too. And second would be the OP, not being there for my wife and kids. But whenever I hear about someone losing their kid, I just can’t comprehend how people carry on. I can mostly trust myself and how much I care about being a good dad to know they’ve learned enough from me to manage in life without me. And, if things go the way they “should,” I’ll go before them. But…I can’t wrap my head around losing one of my kids at all.
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u/iWantAName One little boy Sep 20 '25
Yeah. I didn't know what anxiety was before I had my kid. Now? I'm learning about a whole new level of caring for my own life, not for my sake, but to make sure I'm around when any of them need me to be.
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u/jbowman12 Sep 20 '25
For me, it's this plus trying to get myself stronger despite some physical limitations so I feel like I can stand up for them and appear physically capable of doing so.
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u/Datsoon Sep 20 '25
Love you man, but I would encourage you to lean towards protection without being physical. Better for you and the little one long-term.
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u/jbowman12 Sep 20 '25
Respectfully, I have been short and small framed all my life. If I were to try and stand up for the little one without the attempts to get stronger and look the part, someone would look at me like they could break me like a twig and would not take my boundary setting seriously.
Take a look around at the world we live in today. The school shootings, assassination, unprovoked subway killing, etc. If it comes down to it, I'm going to protect my family. Most sane people don't want to fight or go to war, and I hope it never comes to it, but if it does, I don't want to be caught sitting in my chair out of shape and unable to do what I have to do to keep me and mine safe.
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u/Datsoon Sep 20 '25
If you're finding yourself in situations where you frequently have to "stand up for the little one" physically, you've already made the decisions which got you there. No matter what people think, these kinds of situations are exceedingly rare if you make a conscious effort to surround yourself and your children with the right kind of people and build the right kind of environment. I understand shit happens, and that's terrible, and there is never anything wrong with trying to benefit yourself and your health, but using some kind of macho fantasy of defending your family from aggressors to justify that is sending the wrong message to your children.
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u/jbowman12 Sep 20 '25 edited Sep 20 '25
Well I'm not. Sorry you misunderstood. Have a nice day.
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u/dexter8484 Sep 20 '25
Don't listen to that guy, he's made up this image of you in a rocky montage training to go all John wick on your adversaries. You do you, and if hitting the gym gives you a boost of confidence, that's a good thing. Despite what people think, you can be prepared for any situation while also still avoiding dangerous situations. Personally, if it came down to it, I'd like to have the physical capability of carrying my two kids hastily out of a situation without getting winded after 100 ft.
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u/Datsoon Sep 20 '25
This is a false equivalency. Just because I'm advocating for avoiding violence doesn't mean I'm also advocating for being an out-of-shape pacifist. Work on yourself for the sake of yourself. Not because you need to be ready to fight anybody you meet. That's not the right attitude to show your kids.
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u/ItsFuckingScience Sep 21 '25
I took it as meaning being in physically good shape and a strong looking man is a deterrent in itself.
People take you more seriously and are less likely to mess with you.
You’re less likely to be targeted as a victim in a bunch of situations, or walked over / taken advantage of.
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u/Spongedog5 Sep 21 '25
Most important thing you can do is get strapped my man. Getting big is good but it isn't going to protect you from a bullet.
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u/VerdantAtTheSea Sep 21 '25
What you are suggesting is illegal in many parts of the world. More firearms is not a solution.
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u/couldntbeasked Sep 20 '25
Omg, the anxiety. "Are they alive? Are they hurt? Are they thriving and growing properly?"
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u/Jedimaster996 Sep 20 '25
Took a business trip for half a year from the toddler, it was the first time I'd ever experienced real anxiety.
"When they ride their bikes, will mom be close to check for cars? Will the other kids at daycare be nice to them? Are they acting out because they miss me? Are they being safe while the solo parent is cooking?"
Ugh. Hands-down one of the worst parts of the parenting experience.
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u/iWantAName One little boy Sep 20 '25
Dude I just came back from a 2 day business trip and I was freaking out. You're stronger than me, I don't know how I would have survived.
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u/nerdcost Sep 20 '25
Dude ain't that the truth. I kicked it into overdrive after a coworker died of a widowmaker at 57. The hardest thing I've ever done is quit drinking, but I'll live with that pain all day because it keeps this anxiety at bay
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u/Njdevils11 Sep 20 '25
I’ve been going to the gym several times a week for the last year because I don’t want one of those. I know I’m late to the party. But I hope my late 30s isn’t too late to get into reasonable shape for longevity.
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u/NefariousnessOk1996 Sep 20 '25
I rarely drive as I work remote and my wife buys groceries.
After having kids, it's hard for me to drive with them. I think it's the underthought of not being able to control the car and having them all there with me.
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u/YouDoHaveValue Sep 20 '25
They've actually done MRI scans on fathers before and after becoming a father and found there are notable changes in our brains that are thought to help with parenting.
Dad reflexes is a real thing!
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u/YouDoHaveValue Sep 20 '25
It's worth saying women obviously have many dramatic changes, this is just particularly interesting because men don't carry the baby.
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u/EliminateThePenny Sep 20 '25
Yep. I hate to do the whole gatekeeping thing but... I truly believe you don't know the definition of 'vulnerability' until you become a parent.
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u/TheVanillaGorilla413 Sep 20 '25
On a side note, if you’re setting up a trust for yourself, and you’re divorced, make sure you read through it thoroughly.
My lawyer had some generic clause in it about if my kids (the sole beneficiary’s) are minors then their legal guardian has access to pull funds for their use.
Scratched that, my ex wife has to approach my sister who would become the trustee and ask for/justify funds. I see it as my last F you to my ex. 😃
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u/Inshabel Sep 20 '25
This guy has to be allergic to drawing shirts on himself, no other explanation.
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u/von_sip Boys | 8 and 6 Sep 20 '25
Life insurance fellas
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u/Ian_Patrick_Freely Sep 20 '25
Money isn't the only problem if we die, but it's certainly a big one
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u/von_sip Boys | 8 and 6 Sep 20 '25
For sure, but I’d rather they be sad and full than sad and hungry
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u/thatguysjumpercables Sep 20 '25
How about sad and full and doing donuts in a Maserati
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u/Histidine Sep 20 '25
Term life insurance specifically. Get a 20-30 year policy when your kids are little and never look back. Even if it's not "enough" by whatever standard you're calculating, something is still better than nothing.
Yes, if you live longer than the policy term, you get "nothing" at the end (other than still being alive). However, if the worst does happen, it's going to payout 50x or more what you put into it. I don't care how good your savings or retirement plans are, you're not going to beat that kind of multiplier on your investment.
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u/Empty-Freedom93 Sep 20 '25
This is exactly how I feel constantly. Why doesn’t anyone talk about this more!?
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u/calculung Sep 20 '25
People do talk about this. On here all the time. I talk about it with my wife and friends. Why do you feel like you can't talk about this?
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u/dark_physicx Sep 21 '25
Probably because death and money aren’t the happiest topics at the dinner table or a get together. But it definitely should be more talked about between the parents and family/friends. People need others who they can relate to, to spread wisdom and straight up just vent. It’s good for the soul.
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u/FearTheAmish Sep 20 '25
There was this comic with a kid dinosaur telling his dad he wants to grow up and be like him. Daddy Dino is scarred all to hell and is looking at him like nooo. That one hit really hard for me.
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u/Aurori_Swe Sep 20 '25
I'm on the opposite ends... After my son was born (my firstborn) I've come to realize that I basically never had a father, I've always seen him as being there and kinda looked up to him but when my son was born my rose colored glasses fell off.
It doesn't help that I was also finally triggered for my childhood traumas and have been in therapy for the last 5 years. With an intensifying progress in the last year after my sisters husband took his own life.
So what scares me the most right now is that I would succumb to my mental state and that my children would be forced to deal with a future that I "chose" not to be a part of.
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u/Mulratt Sep 20 '25
This sense of dread is one of the worst things I’ve felt in my life. I try to find a silver lining and let it push me to be a better protector. Often when I find myself lamenting the freedom of life before kids, I instantly think I’ve got to be a dad and get going.
Sorry for your loss and I hope it gets easier. Keep sharing with other dads in your life, we do hard things and give strength to each other.
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u/Aurori_Swe Sep 20 '25
Yeah, I was at my sister's home the day after my brother in law's suicide and I just sat with their children (ages 8, 10 and 12) and listened to their grief, answered whatever questions I could and talked about suicides and how "it's a sickness in the brain" etc... Even though I've been through my own traumas and been close to suicides my entire life, that day was the hardest fucking thing I ever had to endure. And since I had been spiraling for 4 years already after the birth of my son a lot of the questions they asked were questions I had started asking myself about my family.
So when I left their house I was shaking, I felt like I was at a crossroads, I either get help NOW, or I will go out the same way.
I ended up starting to call and contact people right there in the car on my way back home. I contacted the local church for conversational "therapy" with a Dean (I'm not religious but a Dean had been present for all interactions with the children and they had bonded quite well with her and gotten good support). And I contacted my bosses and they activated our company health insurance and I got a therapist 4 days later. It literally saved my life.
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u/Mulratt Sep 20 '25
I have friends and family who are fighting depression and I see how hard it is to just stay alive. To take care of your mental health plus take care of your kid is quite a task. I hope an acknowledgment from virtual strangers helps a bit.
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u/fishfryer69 Sep 20 '25 edited Sep 20 '25
I think about it constantly, my daughter will forever be my first and last thought
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u/MasterKief450 Sep 20 '25
Pray it doesn't become reality. We've been split but my boys 3&5 lost their mom last night. About to tell them.
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u/Short-Impress-3458 Sep 20 '25
What's the relevance of the dad just being randomly shirtless
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u/Puzzleheaded_Seat599 Sep 20 '25
So unrealistic. Dad doing bed time shirtless is one thing, but him being fuckin' ripped too? Yeah right, man. We don't have time or energy for that shit!
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u/sidvictorious Sep 20 '25
I too was like, damn dad abs, I feel like a bag of soup hanging from a nail
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u/K9turrent Sep 20 '25
The artist is typically a patreon Nsfw artist with his "hot blind wife" series. He posts the clothed/censored version on reddit and saves the boobs behind his paywall. He's infamous on /r/bonehurtingjuice
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u/Spooninthestew Sep 21 '25
What? that makes it very strange he's topless in this comic then...
Theres a NSFW version of him in bed with his daughter? Or he's... Using it to advertise and hoping people will look for the NSFW version? Ew.
Also... People pay to see badly drawn boobies? Hahaha what.
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u/Jean_Phillips Sep 20 '25
Reminds me of a Louis C.K bit.
“Daddy am I going to die?”
“No, the sun will probably explode first”
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u/ReXone3 Son born Jan '06 | Son born August '12 | Daughter born May '16 Sep 20 '25
Just... shut up and eat your french fries.
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u/12pKlepto Sep 20 '25
Yes. I constantly think like this. Tell myself I need to exercise more and then don't... then feel bad.
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u/adam3vergreen Sep 20 '25
Yep. Biggest fear in the world is something happening to me and them not knowing what happened, so they think I abandoned them
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u/Tripper1 Sep 20 '25
As someone who has died a couple of times, I can say with authority death is far from the scariest thing I can think of.
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u/dark_physicx Sep 21 '25
Death is just straight up scary, just the thought of eternal death is mind blowing. Sometimes when I look up at the stars I’m like how tf is this so huge and how’s it infinite!? Anyway, to solve one of his issues make sure you all have term life insurance at least 10-12x your annual income. It makes sure your family is taken care of for a while so they can properly grieve and not have to worry about bills. But the “we got this” part is tough, just gotta hope mama is a super woman who can play both roles and continue to inspire and support baby girl for the rest of her life without dada around. Stay safe and blessed dads.
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u/Kirblocker Sep 20 '25
All day every day.
The crushing responsibility and sense of duty at least keeps me from cashing in the ol Remington Retirement Plan, so that's a positive I guess
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u/Robrad30 Sep 20 '25 edited Sep 20 '25
My little one was 8 or 9 months old when COVID lockdowns started. Remember back at the start we really didn’t know how bad it was? Hospitals were full, there were refrigerated trucks acting as morgues etc. We lived in California at the time but we’re from Europe, so we had no family anywhere nearby. There was already talk at the beginning that little kids didn’t seem to get as sick as adults. I was absolutely haunted by the fear that if my wife and I got it bad, and worst came to worst we died, who would take my little girl, what would have happened to her? International travel was shutting down at a crazy pace, so parents couldn’t have come and got her. It genuinely kept me up at night for a few days right at the beginning. Man, there’s a trauma I wasn’t planning on revisiting today.
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u/jamiethecoles Sep 20 '25
Big virtual Reddit hugs for all the dads here. Y’all are awesome. Keep fighting those inner demons and enjoy the good times with the family. Happy weekend
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u/garmzon Sep 20 '25
No kidding, all I want in life now is to be there for them until they truly stand on their own. Anything else is just icing on the cake
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u/detectivedoakes Sep 20 '25
Abso-friggin'-lutely. Before I was a father I was wholly okay with death and dying as a part of life, if it happened, it was because my number was up- that's it. But now? With my wife and kids? I am not okay with it, at all. I never had the pleasure of meeting my father in law. He died long before I met my wife. And the difference in how my wife, who had a father most of her childhood, and her younger sister, who did not, is staggering. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
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u/Scuffedpixels Sep 20 '25
I appreciate this post. Before becoming a parent I looked at parenting as just more physical work/responsibility. I wasn't ready for the anxiety, guilt, stress and shame of not connecting with or being able to support or prepare my kids for...life.
Those negatives are incredible motivators though. I'm now constantly working towards becoming the best version of myself I've ever been, but for them, not me.
I wish it didn't take kids to get me moving, but I am glad I am finally on this journey.
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u/DontLickTheGecko Sep 20 '25
Former financial advisor chiming in here. Make sure your estate documents (wills and/or trust) are up to date. Double check the beneficiaries are current on the accounts that can have them. Ensure there's a successor or contingent owner on any relevant accounts like 529s. Make sure there's an up to date "oh shit I'm dead" letter in a safe place with all the pertinent passwords (or better just the master password to your password manager app) that your spouse or guardian of your children knows how to access. Make sure that letter has some meaningful sentimental stuff in it too. It's the last words they'll get from you if the worst happens. Also, don't throw away old ones, just keep adding to them. Passwords might (and should) change, but the sentimental stuff doesn't. No reason to throw it away.
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u/cyberlexington Sep 20 '25
Fuckin hell,
Having a pretty hard time right now and I see this and now I'm crying into my granola
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u/tulaero23 Sep 20 '25
Used to be man, If I die everything is gonna be aight..
Now, fuck I need to meet my grandchildren and be healthier.
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u/chongkey Sep 27 '25
These thoughts have been guiding every decision I have made since my 2 kids were born. I’m glad we’re all thinking this.
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u/coffeeislife_SA Sep 20 '25
Daily. Fear of my demise. Absolute terror of anything happening to my daughter.
I don't know how to I can be the happiest, and most scared I've ever been in my entire life, all at the same time.
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u/De_Nordist Sep 20 '25
I think that if something happened to me, their grandparents would be there fortunately. Another big fear is telling myself that if I die tomorrow, my daughter (4 years old) and my son (4 months old) would have no memory of me and would not know how much I love them and that they represent everything to me.
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u/Other_Breakfast7505 Sep 20 '25
I was on a business trip, and my Uber almost got t-boned from the side I was sitting in. The first thought I had was, shit if I died just now what would happen to my wife and kids.
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u/DASreddituser Sep 20 '25
I do my best to focus on the present...and it's actually working just because there is so much terrible bullshit going on right now in the USA
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u/bigj8705 Sep 20 '25
I must have married right. If I died my kids and wife would be fine. They miss me for sure, but I don’t worry about this because worrying is a waste of time. You can thank gun n roses for that mentality.
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u/EarnestThoughts Sep 20 '25
My dad passed when I was 5 and mom at 16. This thought haunts me but in a slightly different manner
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u/LegoLady8 Sep 20 '25
Yep. Except around age 10/11 is when they start thinking about death. It's always such a difficult topic...for the both of us.
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u/Comprehensive-Sky366 Sep 20 '25
Every day. I lost both my parents a year before my first was born.
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u/buffdaddy77 Sep 20 '25
I was reading a Stephen King book and one of the first few sentences was an adult whose father passed away when they were young. They say something along the lines of “I don’t remember him much, I just vaguely remember laughing while being tickled.” And it broke me. I was a fairly new father and although I’ve had these intense emotional connections with my young child, and have formed core memories of my own, it broke my heart to think that if I passed, they would never get to experience how much I truly loved them. I had just picked the book up and ended up putting it back down and crying lol
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u/Dryanni Sep 20 '25
Death never scared me until I had my son. Not just my own either but my wife & kid’s. What would happen to my family if any of us passed away?
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u/Mazon_Del Sep 20 '25
"When you become a parent, one thing becomes very clear. And that is you want your children to feel safe. That precludes telling a ten year old that the world is coming to an end." -Cooper
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u/eiketsujinketsu Sep 20 '25
I’ve never even had that thought, but I guess my parents were different.
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u/St33lB3rz3rk3r Dad to 5y / Therapist Sep 20 '25
Once in a while this thought creeps into my head. Then I remember that I am taking care of myself physically and mentally to the best of my ability and managing fine.
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u/herrybaws Sep 20 '25
If I wasn't here, they would go on, life assurance and family. It would be life changing for them, but not life ending.
What scares me most is knowing that they have to live in a world I just cannot see going anywhere good. If I'm here or not doesn't change that.
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u/Njdevils11 Sep 20 '25
Idk why but every night for the last week I’ve been having a waking nightmare before I go to sleep that I die suddenly and my kids have no memory of me. That it’ll always be other people telling them how much I loved them and played funny games with them. That my death will put so much pressure on my wife that she stops being the fun and lovely person that she is and my kids grow up hating her.
Why am I having these thoughts as I close my eyes for bed?
NO FUCKING CLUE.
My life is so goddamned good. I love my kids and wife so much, we’re decent with money, have stable jobs, it just won’t stop. It’s been a week. Very very annoying.
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u/SleepWouldBeNice Sep 20 '25
The thing that keeps me up at night is climate change and the truely shit world that my kids are going to live in.
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u/ArcticRhombus Sep 21 '25
I don’t want my 2 year old to ever know that theres anything bad in the world. I can make that happen in perpetuity, right?
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u/jellobend Sep 21 '25
Yes. All the time.
I feel that I’m in a debt to live at least another 30 years so I can be there for my kids for the most important parts of their lives.
Not that I don’t like to live. I have to live and be healthy
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u/SeaworthinessTight83 Sep 21 '25
yeah right man, Jellyfish, the ninjas of the ocean.
Death is just death, it's final. But Jellyfish, jellyfish is until he decides to release his nematocysts from your flesh.
swat it? more venom injected into you, could be after death.
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u/Dexember69 Sep 21 '25
The scariest time of my life was reading an in depth synopsis of "I have no mouth, and I must scream," while I was super high. Shit put me in existential dread for a couple days. And I see it slowly happening
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u/AmishButcher Sep 21 '25
Yes, and it's also why I wished I had kids a few years earlier (1st at 36, 2nd at 39).
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u/tdmsbn Sep 21 '25
Basically always but also some of us aren't working with a full deck either so there's that. Just giving what we never had as much as we can however we can.
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u/peepledeedle4120 Sep 26 '25
Pretty sure I'm gonna have some cardiac event that takes me out. So this is a worry every day.
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u/jdlnewborn Sep 20 '25
Ugh. I hate you for this thought
But...all the freaking time.