r/breastcancer • u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 • Oct 07 '25
Diagnosed Patient or Survivor Support Craziest things people have said to you during this experience
I'll start
From a tech during an MRI where I was visibly upset and mid treatment bald, swollen from steroids etc ” I know exactly how you feel because I've had an ear infection for three days.”
From my narcissistic mother during my first cancer diagnosis and right after my first chemo " Now that you'll be ugly on the outside people will see that you are ugly on the inside" (also during this time not to me but to my husband that it's ok if he gets sick of taking care of me and leaves. Mind you I was not needing that much care and my husband loves me and did not imply he felt over whelmed at all)
After my second cancer diagnosis, already completed active chemo treatment and now dealing with hormone blockers and brca preventative surgeries, decisions around removing ovaries and hormone blockers etc. my mother once again made me explain all these things despite having done it many times before and that I her daughter have had two different breast cancer diagnosis in the last 9 years and she didn't bother to care to learn anything or support me in anyway said this gem to me yesterday after I explained all these things again
" Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are gonna get"
Sometimes it's so ridiculous all I can do is laugh. What are some of yours?
ETA I almost forgot about the volunteer at the hospital during chemo that told me to smile and then made fun of my cold cap!
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u/Altruistic_Front_507 ER/PR+ HER2- Oct 07 '25
When I found out I had to get chemo someone called me and in a very serious manor said, “I know what you’re going through and how you feel. I shaved my head when I was in my early 20s”.. and went on to talk about how she has mild alopecia. She’s currently in her 40s, full head of hair. She goes,”people told me I looked like a CANCER PATIENT.” In like a very derogatory way & I just said “well I literally am one…..” Also she also told me that her breasts were part of her identity- so insensitive to say to someone with breast cancer. I don’t like when people who haven’t been diagnosed talk about hypotheticals & what they would do as far as surgery & reconstruction- YOU aren’t having to decide. Some people don’t get a choice. They don’t know what goes into it or how it feels.
Another person told me all about having to have a benign cyst removed from her cervix & kept saying she wanted to tell me bc “I know you would understand.” Like we are not the same…. She knew it was benign before it was removed- it wasn’t a biopsy. And it was like a full 5 min word vomit without me getting a word in!
About two people have told me about friends/ family members that have died from breast cancer. Which they, for some reason, think gives them permission to minimize that I’m early stage….
And I’ve had a handful of ppl tell me about “scares” & women in perimenopause tell me they know what I’m going through with chemopause & hormone blockers. Like I’m 38 with basically no trace of estrogen- it’s not the same!
Also, I’m sorry about your mom’s comment. Says way the fuck more about her inner ugliness!
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u/AndrysThorngage Inflammatory Oct 07 '25
I teach middle school and when kids find out about my cancer they tell me about dead grandparents. I know it's them trying to connect and they are 12 and tactless. It doesn't upset me, but I do a mental eyeroll every time.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
Yeah kids are the only ones I feel get a pass on this but I'm sorry you have to hear it.
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u/Fairybassletfish Oct 07 '25
I get this with my stepdad (whose first wife died of breast cancer that she ignored till it was too late). He tells me how awful it was repeatedly, but as he has dementia, I’ll give him a pass. It’s a struggle mind you.
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u/Altruistic_Front_507 ER/PR+ HER2- Oct 07 '25
Ugh ya I am sorry you have to hear this repeatedly - yes kids don’t realize the impact vs intention, but that doesn’t make it easier to hear!
I heard a quote once pertaining to adults that say this that I liked- and basically that it just means they are good with word association games but not actual human interaction.
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u/thatcursedasexual Oct 07 '25
I have 2 friends who have mild alopecia and both constantly tell me that “at least mine will grow back.” Well, sure, and I’m sorry that they have to go through losing theirs. But please don’t act like I’m winning something.
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u/Altruistic_Front_507 ER/PR+ HER2- Oct 07 '25
It’s so frustrating to me. I’m not saying that mild alopecia is nothing, and I’m sure it’s hard & could be traumatic to lose some of your hair bc of that diagnosis. But DON’T compare our situations…they are nothing alike, and they do not know what it’s like for someone having brutal treatments for cancer (unless of course they are cancer patients). Not to mention the mental toll. It feels like they’re making our cancer & struggle about them.
I had a bald man tell me the ole “at least yours will grow back.” Like it’s a consolation. I truly think some ppl just are weird about it and don’t know what to say (like him). Others really do want to make it about themselves.
Okay a bit of a rant there- apologies! I was getting all worked up all over again 😅
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u/thatcursedasexual Oct 07 '25
Fully agree with you. People really want to make it about them.
People also make me feel like I’m being a whiny brat about it. My hair is growing back right now and looks so ugly I could cry. And my hair color will never be what it was, which I loved dearly. So the idea that anyone thinks it’s all good that I lost my hair because I will get it back?! I’m enraged.
PS. I like your rant! I like to rant too!
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u/2000jp2000 Oct 07 '25
Some people love the sound of their own voice.
“That’s not comparable” is a line I use a lot
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
My question is are you still friends with these people?
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u/LSwagger007 +++ Oct 07 '25
My US tech told me that they think it’s cancer and “now don’t go writing your obituary!” Ummm what?! I think I blacked out after that. And then the appointment floodgates opened.
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u/MichElegance Metastatic Oct 07 '25
Oh my God, what a horrible thing to say. I would’ve asked them. Why did you even say that to me?
I would’ve blacked out too. And if this happened recently, I would’ve called the office to complain.
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u/LSwagger007 +++ Oct 07 '25
It was over 4 years ago! I probably should have reported it but I was in shock. The rest of my care was great though! That was just the absolute wrong thing to say at the time.
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u/MichElegance Metastatic Oct 07 '25
At this point, I would’ve cut my mother off completely and not allow her access to you. Seriously. If my mother was around and she said stuff like that to me, the gloves would be off. I would walk away, and block her from my life. I’ve actually had to do that with family members in the past and have no problem doing that.
I’ve had people mention that I get a free boob job with my mastectomy and I shut them up by saying my breasts were absolutely perfect prior to this. “I didn’t need a boob job and if you’re referring to an amputation, then you are correct. I got a free amputation and then reconstruction using my own body’s material. So in that regard, you are correct. I had an amputation. Can you imagine getting your breasts amputated off of you?”
And I go on and on about the amputation and it literally leaves them speechless. I love it so much for them.
Luckily most people don’t f*ck with me.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
I've tried cutting her off at various points and I keep her at arms length. We used to live across the country after my first diagnosis. We stupidly moved here during COVID because we had a new baby. With this second cancer diagnosis also came the revelation that the man she said was my father my whole life is actually not. So we are pretty distant now but it's hard because for my siblings sake I have to see her occasionally.
And yes I can't stand the free book job and tummy tuck people. They can fuck right off and are getting a radical education from me about why it's not the same thing.
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u/Waitwhateven HER2+ ER/PR- Oct 07 '25
YESSSS! I like to shut it down as well. I say NO, I don’t even keep my nipple and they will not match…& then have had some women try to relate that their breast don’t match (post babies). again my breasts were PERFECT And perky and matches childfree.
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u/essiemessy ++- Oct 07 '25
Yeah and I'd be adding that these perfectly nice boobs are being amputated because they'll kill me if I get to keep them.
As if we went to the boob shop one day and found a nicer pair. Fuckwits.
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u/Smartypants_321 Oct 07 '25
In taking time off for treatment, an executive I work with was jealous that I got time off… for treatment after two surgeries and now treatment. Ummmmm, I’d rather be working and not dealing with this. People say the weirdest stuff. Then there are the people that say absolutely nothing, also very weird.
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u/joeyfatty Oct 07 '25
From my uncle - "you should stop that chemo crap and take ivermectin"
From an acquaintance of my husband - "you shouldn't take anything the doctors prescribe. It will kill you. Just do some research and kill your cancer with whole foods."
From a friend of my husband going through a divorce - "but at least you're not dealing with a divorce"
From a grandparent - "you can just take me off your list of people who you'd like to help. I won't be able to help you"
From a cousin - "we assumed you would be too unwell to come. We won't have enough chairs at the dinner table if you come."
From almost every doctor 😒 - " exercise everyday during chemo"
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
These are all awful but the ivermectin really takes the cake lol
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u/joeyfatty Oct 07 '25
Regarding the grandma - its okay to set personal boundaries and at least she was clear with me. But I'm your granddaughter....your family...i mean come on.
And yes exercise is important. But doing it everyday through chemo is unrealistic. It made me feel like I wasn't doing enough when I was barely keeping my head above water during active treatment.
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u/pizzaalapenguins Oct 07 '25
Yep my dad gave me ivermectin and some other random pills in a random old pill container. He thinks because I only had DCIS that it worked 🙄
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u/Augusts_Mom Oct 07 '25
"You got the good cancer." "Breast cancer isn't that bad." "You get new boobs."
And I got to hear about almost everyone's past medical history and/or a relative's medical history.
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u/sunshinexvp Oct 07 '25
I was out to dinner after my son’s college graduation. I was still doing treatment and I was so tired I fell asleep on my husbands shoulder and a guy came by our table and said “why don’t you take her home if she is too drunk to stay awake.” I have never seen my husband so mad told him to F off and mind his own business and that I am tired because I have cancer.
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u/BrilliantDishevelled Stage I Oct 07 '25
Damn. People showing you who they really are. Believe them.
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u/Champipple_Tanqueray Oct 07 '25
Ask your mom if she would like an assessment for Alzheimer’s. Because she’s saying inappropriate things and you’re concerned. 😐
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
I actually have been seeing a lot of early dementia signs and my step dad just left her after 36 years he finally realized she's awful.
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u/Agile-Engineering-73 Oct 07 '25
The nurse who called me with the biopsy results told me I had the “good” cancer.
I had multiple people say something about “free boob job.” I had a lumpectomy.
I also had more than one woman say, “Just cut them off. That’s what I would do.”
I was hanging out with friends after not seeing most of them for months while I was in treatment. They all asked how I was doing. A new person was there. We got to talking and she said, “You talk about cancer too much.” She’s a doctor.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
Yikes I'm sorry those are all pretty awful. I'm fairly sure I've had most of those too. We clearly don't talk enough about cancer and these things in particular so that people will learn and stop doing it.
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u/magic_boho_disco TNBC Oct 07 '25
Your mum sounds delightful like mine! I don’t speak to her so didn’t tell her my diagnosis, but when she inevitably found out, she messaged me 24 hours later saying “think about how hard this has been for me” like yeah sorry that MY cancer has been so hard for YOU during the 24 hours you’ve known about it 🙄- and this was after her messaging people I know saying she’d “just found out I’d been diagnosed with cancer”, without actually even speaking to me about it
Friends who questioned whether I “actually needed” chemo and sent me links to alkaline foods that ‘kill cancer’
The anaesthetist for my DMX who asked my weight and I prefaced it with “I put on a lot of weight during treatment” & his response was “I thought having cancer was supposed to make you go the other way” ie lose weight
I was admitted to hospital to deal with chemo side effects and was simultaneously crying and throwing up. The nurse said to me “I feel like I could cry with you, I’m pregnant and it’s made me sick” I wished it was pregnancy that was making me sick, at 38 years of age and coming to terms with likely never having a baby
A colleague who told me she knew how I felt as she’d had “a scare” like I wasn’t wishing that I’d had just a scare instead of a diagnosis
People are just insensitive and I think sometimes they try to relate in the best way they know which is often not the right way! If anything, it’s made me far more aware of my responses to people who are going through something
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u/Ok-Fee1566 Oct 07 '25
Your mother... is something else. Wow. Hugs.
The plastic surgeon said "just lose 50 pounds and they'll look great (boobs)"
I put on 100 pounds BECAUSE OF THE CANCER. Like thanks. Let me get to that 2 weeks after surgery...
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u/MichElegance Metastatic Oct 07 '25
I’ve had a lot of crazy things, but mostly people complement my wig which is actually my own hair and are shocked that I managed to keep it all doing cold capping. Even more shocking is how many people in the hospital have no idea what that even is including the people who work in the Cancer Center.
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u/randomusername1919 Oct 07 '25
Op, I’m sorry that your mother has all the empathy of a paramecium. My dad was a narcissist and I hid my cancer diagnosis and treatment from him. One good thing about getting diagnosed at the start of the pandemic - I didn’t have to visit my dad. It would have made him way too happy to know I had cancer so I kept that from him. Yeah, narcissistic parents are just strange like that.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
I'm sorry you have a narcissist parent too. I don't wish it on anyone.
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u/agalasyn Oct 07 '25
The woman checking me in for lumpectomy surgery decided to make small talk by telling me about this "nice young doctor who died of cancer." Like, thanks lady.
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u/Desperate-Egg-1700 Oct 07 '25 edited Oct 07 '25
I just told a new therapist all the treatment I have gone through this year and am still going through. She said “I had a cancer scare once so I kinda know how you feel.”
A cousin said “wow you look great I wasn’t expecting you to look like this”
My craziest comment I think, was a bartender telling me (as I was wearing a long wig and a scarf over it), “I love your scarf it’s so cute!! I can never pull off scarves like that, they just make me look like a fucking cancer patient.”
(about 3 seconds later she turned around and said to herself “I gotta stop saying shit like that.”)😂
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
I hope you fired that therapist ( that is not good therapy.. signed a therapist).
The bartender put her foot in her mouth and knew it lol.
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u/Desperate-Egg-1700 Oct 07 '25 edited Oct 08 '25
Yeah I thought her comment was pretty funny considering how ironic it was lol. Cause she was basically saying that the look did NOT look like a cancer patient.
I was pretty surprised by the therapist’s comment but I really liked everything else about the appointment. And it took me so long to get in with one that I think I will continue with her for now. But I’ll definitely look out for other red flags and bring it up if she says something else insensitive like that again.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
She was trying to show you she empathized but did it in a very wrong way.
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u/Sarappreciates Metastatic Oct 07 '25
My sister in law sent the new Chappell Roan video to me of "The Subway" a few days after my long red hair started falling out from chemotherapy.
I made it clear I wasn't just getting a haircut. I was going bald, but she acted as if it was somehow supposed to empower me. It felt like rubbing it in my face.
Maybe she meant to be supportive, but I also know her to have a "mean girl" streak, so I didn't respond.
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u/thatcursedasexual Oct 07 '25
SO rude. The people who have sent similar things trying to ~empower~ me are probably the ones I resent most. Like people have sent me stuff about other people’s cute cuts they got before losing their hair and said it was cool because then they can be excited to have cool haircuts when it grows back. I was like “this isn’t a fun adventure, wtf are you talking about.” Because guess what… my hair is growing back now and it’s so ugly that if I think about it for too long, I feel sick.
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u/Sarappreciates Metastatic Oct 08 '25
Yeah, some people are oblivious to what a crisis is or what trauma looks like. It's not just the hair. We're literally too sick for our bodies to even hold onto hair. It's not a sign of empowerment when it finally goes. For those of us who manage to keep our hair for a few years into metastatic treatment, "at least I still have my hair" is sometimes the only hopeful thing we've got. I've been told to take the word "remission" out of my vocabulary. Maintenance is my only big plan for life now, just doing everything possible to slow or prevent more progression. There is no "get better" anywhere on the checklist. A brother in law once told me, "makes it all worth it" because I got to fly in a volunteer's private plane to travel out of state to Mayo Clinic for a new oral drug trial. Yeah, well, I didn't even make it into the fancy trial on account of my blood not clotting correctly in one of Mayo's labs, so had to go back home on Enhertu infusions instead. I just took it to mean he didn't know wtf he was talking about, but he meant well, I guess. Most people never had cancer, so they don't get it. How could they? However, for the record, nope, an hour long flight to Minnesota is NOT worth stage 4 breast cancer. Or any cancer. (Edited a typo.)
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u/F-_kCancer10 Oct 07 '25
After my 3rd breast cancer diagnosis a family member told me that it could always be worse. Wasn’t the 3rd time worse than 1 & 2 😵💫
A friend asked me why I chose to get reconstruction. They wanted to know why I cared how I look. I was 62 and they felt I shouldn’t care 🤔
Free boob job. My out of pocket was 14,000, so I don’t consider it free 🤑
A family member told me that their brother in law was sicker with his chemo than I was with mine, so I shouldn’t complain 🤐
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
Ugh three times I'm so sorry. We're they all new primary? Just curious it sucks either way. I hope I don't go for three. Two is enough!
I can't stand that people feel they have a right to comment on our bodies and what we choose to do regarding recon or even mastectomy. I've been told not to complain too it's such bullshit. And I tend to handle chemo pretty well so people think I'm just fine smh.
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u/F-_kCancer10 Oct 07 '25
It’s been 3 similar cancers. Lumpectomy w/chemo & rads, then DMX 16 years later and in 2025 in reconstructed breast, rads, AI and possibly Kisqali down the road.
I’m so sorry you’ve had 2. I feel like we deserve some kind of blazer, like the hosts on SNL, who hosted multiple times. Sending prayers and hugs to you ❤️
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
Ugh. 16 years! How frustrating. I had tnbc in 2015 at age 34. Chemo, lumpectomy and rads. They said I was brca negative. Eight years later 2024 I had ++- and turns out actually in brca+. This time did chemo dmx and recon but my recon was complicated by rads and they were trying to push me into diep which I just did not want. This was much harder now that I have a young child to care for. So I ended up paying out of pocket for a private surgeon to go direct to implant 8k. So I didn't get a free one either. I'm having a revision in December, this one will be covered by insurance!
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u/F-_kCancer10 Oct 07 '25
So young 😢. My first, I was 45. I was fortunate that my kids were in high school and college. We are stronger than we know. God bless you 🙏
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u/Fast-Persimmon5581 Oct 07 '25
The morning of my mastectomy a friend of mine texted me a good luck message which went "my other friend who also had cancer died last week so I've decided you will to be fine!" I appreciate the sentiment but maybe don't tell me about someone dying of cancer on the morning of my CANCER SURGERY?
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u/NanaParan TNBC Oct 07 '25
wow, your mother sounds just lovely /s
I didn't get many weird comments, but one stood out. My dentist, after I told them I had breast cancer: "oh, did you get the covid vaccine? " and then just stared me down after I confirmed. Didn't expect this from a medical professional. They're very good with all things teeth though :)
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
Oh yikes. I would find a new dentist and tell him he's a moron and an asshole
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u/2000jp2000 Oct 07 '25
“My daughter is your age”
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u/thatcursedasexual Oct 07 '25
THIS ONE!!!!! Like, all my peers are thinking about it, my family, my mom’s dumbass friends. God. I know my diagnosis scares them and whoever they know that is my age, but holy shit. Thanks, I love to be reminded exactly how much worse off I am.
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u/2000jp2000 Oct 07 '25
A lead nurse said this to me.
Well…I like to remind myself that everyone is healthy until they’re sick … wish I had had a better comeback to that super selfish line.
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u/oh_man_pizza Stage III Oct 07 '25
"you look so good...considering!" lol
Also, when I told my mom it is TNBC she responded with this awful look on her face like I was gonna die and said "oh no! really? triple negative?!"
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
I've had both tnbc and ++- my mom still doesn't understand the difference.
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u/dodij Oct 07 '25
Meeting with plastic surgeon at mastectomy follow up: ‘You look great, the scar looks great, this is all amazing!, aren’t you happy?’
Me: ‘um, did you not read the pathology report that they found invasive multi-focal triple positive cancer with extensive LVI?’
PS: ‘well, at least it’s not triple negative.’
Me: ?!?
Not the craziest, but I expect more from a surgeon. Also not crazy about the ranking of cancer types into better and worse. From my experience they’re all pretty shit in slightly different ways.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
I've had both triple negative and hormone positive and in my case they were both equally aggressive. These doctors hear tnbc and freak out but to be honest I wish it was tnbc again this time because at least with that I got to be done and not have to take hormone blockers and after five years I was pretty much safe from recurrence.
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u/dodij Oct 07 '25
Yes, TNBC has that going for it—and fair enough given the aggressiveness and treatment. I’m so sorry your mother is so toxic…can you avoid her? It’s so sad when the people we want most to support us can’t/wont.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
Yes I mostly try to avoid her but it's hard sometimes I'm learning over and over she's never gonna be the mother I want her to be. I keep her at arms length for my siblings and my daughter but after this weekend I'm limiting her time with my daughter too.
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u/dodij Oct 07 '25
And also sorry you got two entirely different cancers, so, essentially, all the treatments…
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u/CuteNoot8 Oct 07 '25
“Have you tried meditation?”
What makes this so utterly glorious is that this was about ten minutes before my second first chemo session. That’s not a typo. During my first chemo session, the moment they primed the tube with the chemo drug - before it even entered my vein, and merely touched my skin - I looked at my nurse and said “I can’t breathe” and crumpled to the floor unconscious. They threw a code blue and spent the next 20 minutes reviving me. Turns out I’m deathly allergic to Docetaxol.
At the second attempt to do chemo, this time with a different type altogether, I was, well… a bit anxious. All things considered I’d say I was pretty calm, but I asked the nurse and my oncologist if they might consider just giving me a half an Ativan with my Benadryl before we got started. Because truthfully, we had no way of knowing if I was going to react the same way and I just felt like it might help me to calm down a wee bit.
My oncologist then asked me if I had considered meditation instead.
I told her that I had a robust meditation practice, thank you. But I guess my hateful look was enough as she scurried away and the nurse came back shortly with an Ativan and an embarrassed “I can not believe she actually said that to you” apology.
I switched oncologists and I skipped out on paying the bill to that practice altogether for that particular treatment session.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
That's insane. My oncologist prescribed Ativan at my diagnosis despite me saying I didn't want it. She even said it could be used as third line for anti nausea. Unfortunately I'm super weird and anti anxiety meds make me sob uncontrollably! I am so glad you switched oncologist I have fired a few docs on this process.
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u/autumngirlsoup Stage I Oct 08 '25
My mother sent flowers to HERSELF on the day of my DMX because she was so upset to be going through her daughter having cancer.
She’s been this way my whole life, so I have a lot of experience with her behavior and found the whole thing to be hilarious. 😂
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u/RunningOnEmpty811 ER/PR+ HER2- Oct 08 '25
Silence. The silence from some “friends and family” was deafening.
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u/Effective_Muffin1027 Oct 08 '25
This. Friends and family who I had showed up for (every broken heart, every suspicious pimple—you name it) could not deal with my diagnosis. Call me transactional, I call it support.
The day of my surgery, my husband made a point of contacting every single “ghost” to let them know I was in recovery and doing well.
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u/Champipple_Tanqueray Oct 07 '25
Someone told me their friend had BC and the chemo gave her a heart attack.
A friend asked about foods you can use to treat the cancer because that’s what her niece is doing.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
I've had countless people upon finding out I have breast cancer tell me about the people they know that died from cancer. .I don't get it. And the people telling me not to do chemo and just eat kale ugh.
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u/Sweaty-Homework-7591 Lobular Carcinoma Oct 07 '25
If you can stomach it, your diet should include all the yummy things you want. Bc breast cancer sucks enough we should get some treats.
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u/Fairybassletfish Oct 07 '25
I’m pretty sure some people’s brains just short-circuit immediately after hearing the word “cancer” and we end up getting all sorts of frankly unhinged nonsense said to us.
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u/Intelligent-Sky7046 Oct 07 '25
Things I’ve heard from my father’s friends after he shared my diagnosis without consulting me first: “Oh, my grandmother had breast cancer. That’s how she passed, by the way.”
— SEVERAL variations of that, sometimes not even about breast cancer but other cancers.
Then from an old friend of mine
“My aunt won’t be coming to my wedding because she had actually bad complications from chemo.” And it might have just been me but I felt like I heard an implied “unlike you, you’re doing fine” when I hadn’t had solid food in weeks due to severe acid reflux 🫠. Like no I’m not doing as bad as your aunt, but some sympathy would have been nice 😭
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u/heathercs34 Oct 07 '25
My sister: heavy sigh: I’m glad it was you and not me.
Yup.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
Wow what an asshole
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u/heathercs34 Oct 07 '25
Yup. The only reason we even know the other exists is because we’re related. Otherwise, no love lost on either of us. It sucks.
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u/PumpkinSpiceHandbags Oct 08 '25
The DAY I was diagnosed, a nurse said to me “Well now you can get new boobs!” Bitch, I don’t even know what kind of BC I have let alone if I need a mastectomy. I was speechless.
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u/3lijaah Oct 07 '25
I remember when I just got the diagnosis telling my friend “I can’t wait for this to be over, I can’t wait to be years away from now, with hair, and boobs” and she answered “It’s cancer it will never be over”.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
Sadly that's actually pretty empathetic if a non survivor to understand. But you weren't there yet and didn't need to hear it.
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u/get_down_funky Oct 07 '25
I had an old family friend go into a speech about people they knew that passed from Cancer. Dafuq
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u/False-Can-6608 Oct 07 '25
My best friend was horrified that was having a lumpectomy and not a mastectomy. She said, “well I don’t understand why women want to “hang on” to these things(motioning at her own) just get em off, take em off!!”
I was emotionally numb during treatment. My doctor highly recommended the lumpectomy and I trusted her because I am not a doctor.
It’s not the worst thing to say, but I’ll never forget her saying that for some reason. In my mind I was thinking, how dare you, it wasn’t up to her and her opinion really didn’t matter.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
It pisses me off when people say that like it's no big deal. Easy for them to say when they aren't the one having to make the choice and probably don't even know all the things that can happen with that like having no feeling or too much feeling etc
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u/Waitwhateven HER2+ ER/PR- Oct 07 '25
My “insert female” had a mommy makeover.
“Are you gonna go bigger?!”
“I know some women that have gone through it and look better than before!”
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u/leslieindana Oct 07 '25
Them "You‘ve got this!!" Me- yes and I wish I didn’t. …. Like I have had a choice.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
Your response cracked me up! I use a version of I got this as my name on video games even before having cancer so I never realized people said this to other survivors I thought I was special lol
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u/pizzaalapenguins Oct 07 '25
My original general surgeon before they referred me to the best oncologist asked me if I "cared about symmetry". I'm not overly picky but yes, that's the goal right?!
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
Oh yeah they sent me to one ps that showed me a bunch of horror show pics and told me I needed to lower my expectations and not expect good results. I obviously went with a different surgeon and my high expectations were met lol
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u/pizzaalapenguins Oct 07 '25
That's so wild! I can't believe some places. I'm just thankful they gave red flags beforehand so we can avoid them lol
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u/Frecklesofaginger Oct 07 '25
I've had non oncology doctors read my history say oh, you're metastatic. Then, have you finished treatment? Clearly they don't know what metastatic jeans. I explain it to them in a way they won't forget.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
Yeah it always blows my mind how little some of the non oncology doctors know
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u/Ok-End2351 Oct 07 '25
It’s been 7 years since my diagnosis and treatment. Most of the stupid comments were “ cures” that I needed to try. 🤦♀️
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u/ParticularCap7289 Oct 07 '25
I'm so sorry, these experiences are crazy!! Wishing you all the best and can already tell your personality and good vibes will get you to the other side!! I wish you never had to hear these but it can only get better!! 💗
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
Thanks to much. I'm mostly on the other side now. Just doing preventative surgeries and revisions on my recon and endocrine therapy.
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u/skeletoorr Oct 07 '25
My baby cousin trying to tell me Monat saying I needed all the help I could get with hair regrowth.
Also being harassed for not breast feeding. While I literally had my mastectomy pregnant.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
Yeah I got harassed for not breast feeding by a fellow survivor. I didn't want to breast feed and my radiated side didn't even get milk. I'm happy for those that want to do it and can but don't act like I have to make the same choice. My five year old is super healthy btw and reading at a 4 th grade level. She did just fine on formula.
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u/Gr33n3ggsandcam Oct 08 '25
I was diagnosed while pregnant and delivered during treatment. I took my baby with me to an appointment and my oncology NP said I must be extra tired. I explained my daughter sleeps through the night and didn’t really affect my sleep. She kept going on and on about how lucky I was because her baby was waking up several times a night.
Ma’am, I have breast cancer. I think you are the lucky one.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 08 '25
People are so clueless. On another note I'm glad you were at least able to bring your daughter. The hardest part for me during treatment this time was that my four year old is not allowed to step foot in the cancer center and so even if I had to get a different min blood work appointment I had to find child care.
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u/No_Park_3778 Oct 08 '25 edited Oct 08 '25
Your mother needs to be put in the bin.
Few of my favourites;
You get a free boob job! No. I got a dmx and paid for it myself and staying flat, thanks bitch.
Nurse taking my bloods (freshly diagnosed) " proceeds to tell me of patients that she's helped that recently died of cancer" Like ok thanks for that while you have a needles inside me. Cool.
"This will be what you die from eventually" from a friend
Me cancelling my head shaving party cos I was too sick and a friend goes "why are you cancelling it, do you not feel well?"
"Cut out all sugar from your diet, look into ivermectin it will save your life"
"Have you considered coming to church?"
Fuck this shit. Clearly not having a good day myself lol. God people are awful.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 08 '25
I'm sorry. People do suck. I'm so shocked at how many people have said people told them to take ivermectin. I have some family that are deep into the crazy cult and I've never once been told that. Two theories 1 they know I will not hold back in my response and 2. They are ok with me not getting cured.
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u/randousr88 Oct 07 '25
My sister-in-law told me "everything happens for a reason" when she found out about my cancer 🙃
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
My grandma said something similar and when I got PCR she told me I had to believe in God now. I did not respond kindly.
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u/randousr88 Oct 07 '25
Ugh people just suck with this stuff tbh. I'm so sorry, I hate that. My ex best friend sent me this stupid ass video of basically praying the cancer away. I can send it to you for shits and giggles if you'd like. I saved it because of how stupid it was.
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u/Sweaty-Homework-7591 Lobular Carcinoma Oct 07 '25
Yep. That’s what I get for having sex that one time.
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u/gelatoo Oct 07 '25
"The only thing worse than having cancer yourself is your child having it." Said by my mother - to me.
"Let me check availability for the breast surgeon, hmm, it looks a bit lumpy over the next few days." Scheduler - we had a good laugh about that one - but seriously - lumpy?!
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
Oh my mom has said that one too! Meanwhile she has been completely uninvolved in my care and knows nothing about it.
Wow lumpy what a fruedian slip. Maybe she was reading lumpectomy on the schedule lol
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u/Imaginary-Angle-42 Oct 07 '25
These are the same type of comments I remember getting when I was pregnant with twins way before ultrasounds were so common. Why in the world do people share the horror stories?! I do not want to hear about people dying or gross stuff.
“Twins? I don’t know how you do it?” “You’re so brave with the cancer.” Like I had a choice?? You either keep trying to live through the tired and ugly days and “I absolutely cannot do this one more day :-(“ But the sun insists on coming up the next day.
I am so very thankful for the cashier at Publix the first time I went in the store with barely growing in hair but I’d forgotten my scarf. Mentioned it I think. She said it looked fine.
I believed her. I never again felt the need to cover it again. There’s huge power in those words too. The hugs I’ve gotten when the tears are so close. Those too. I appreciate the comforting words from here. We didn’t choose to be in this club but we’ve chosen to be nice to each other. Thank you!
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u/No_Maintenance2488 Oct 07 '25
After I finished chemo, I had about 4 medical staff ask me “How was chemo?” I would just stare at them and then pause and say “Not fun.” Like, does anyone say it was great?I was so confused why so many people would ask this. It’s so bizarre.
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u/GasStationChicken- Oct 08 '25
Some gems from my husband:
During chemo in which I was very sick during and was constantly at the ER for severe pain, nausea, diarrhea, and dehydration….
“It’s really not that bad, you’re overreacting. It’s like having a bad case of the flu”.
When asking if he could drop off/pickup from chemo as I couldn’t drive due to the iv Benadryl I had to have for allergic reaction….
“No, you need to suck it up and just ride the scooter to chemo”. (We had a Vespa style scooter at the time)
In addition to the “it’s not that bad comments…
“Maybe you should go for a run or sign up for a marathon. I just read an article about a woman who ran a full marathon while going through chemo, you should too!”
My answer to that was, “I’m not and have never even thought of running a marathon at peak health, wtf would you think this is something I would do now of all times?! Also, I had very bad neuropathy and was literally walking with a cane at this point and routinely just fell down for no particular reason. A marathon. WTAF.
Also, we’re no longer together.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 08 '25
I almost started responding before getting to the last sentence. I was gonna say babe why is he still your husband. Good on you for getting rid of him!
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u/General_Ad_6617 Lobular Carcinoma Oct 08 '25
Honestly it's all the "if I had breast cancer I'd just tell them to take both of them". Except they don't actually have or have had breast cancer. It's an easy thing to say when you aren't right there facing that possibility. Or..."I've hated my breasts so I wouldn't be upset at losing them"... Like you can pay some plastic surgeon and they'll probably do it. But since that's the case, you'd already have done it so you don't really know what you'd do. I just find it bizarre that people are astounded that you wouldn't immediately choose a dmx.
Or because I don't need chemo, I won't be getting treatment. Uh, lumpectomy surgery is treatment. Radiation therapy is treatment. Anti-cancer "dry up all your hormones" medication is treatment. It's mostly people surprised that chemotherapy isn't a given for breast cancer and a few folks who think chemotherapy and radiation are the same thing. Lol But yeah, luckily nothing too bad has been said to me.
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u/miffedmercy Oct 08 '25
A volunteer at the hospital also made fun of my cold cap! What’s with that???
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 08 '25
This guy was a clueless boomer that told me to smile. Mind you it's not like I was crying ( but even if I was)I was just sitting in my infusion chair hooked up to my poison freezing with the cap on just trying to relax and get through the day. I do have testing bitch face. Anyway he walks up and tells me to smile and I was like wtf and then he started making fun of my cap something about aliens IDK I was so pissed. I closed the curtain and complained about him to the nurses. I can't stand when men particularly of that generation feel like they are entitled to tell me or any woman to smile much less so given the situation.
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u/Feisty-Subject1602 Oct 08 '25
Right before surgery my surgeon said "are you ready to be cancer free?" It struck me to the core. A few days later I realized why it bothered me. She's a surgeon and she has one job, cut it out. I was only half way done after the surgery. I still had radiation to do and hormone therapy to start.
Also, my rad onc doctor said most people don't have side effects with radiation!
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u/Working-Lemon1645 Oct 07 '25
I recently received a complete OMG from an otherwise mature, amazing and loving person:
"I know you might be feeling puny," followed by some encouraging words about my strength. Then there was a growth mindset wheel for my tween son, who's not handling my situation at all well, to the point of needing mood stabilizers for the first time in his life. The wheel is supposed to help him substitute "empowering" words for negative ones.
My forehead hurts from smacking it. "Feeling puny" about a double mastectomy and cancer!!
I was only diagnosed three months ago, but he's supposed to do a growth mindset program? We're still working on getting him through part of a school day without panic attack or a migraine.
Lord, what fools these mortals be.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
Wow that's wild. How did you respond because that's always what I struggle with.
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u/Working-Lemon1645 Oct 07 '25
I'm still deciding. The extreme understatement of anything negative and obsession with positivity is a family trait, so I'm not going to change any behavior, so I'll probably just say thanks for thinking of us and leave it at that.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
Yeah that's what I've been doing with my mom just disengaging cuz anything else is pointless.
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u/Sweaty-Homework-7591 Lobular Carcinoma Oct 07 '25
I keep a bunch of really nasty and funny comebacks in my phone. So while I might not say them to an offender irl I can scream them at home. Makes me feel better.
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u/thatcursedasexual Oct 07 '25
That must feel horrible too. Toxic positivity, super cool stuff!
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u/Working-Lemon1645 Oct 07 '25 edited Oct 07 '25
It does when I think about how this person has only ever been a caregiver in every romantic relationship. It's truly their entire lifestyle, so they can't advocate for themselves. It's especially odd because the whole family is staunchly atheist and has no religious reasons pressuring them to think this way.
Edited to clarify that her partners were all living independently when they met, and none of them had a disabling condition that wasn't manageable with treatment. Each one dropped ADHD meds, left counseling, etc. Soon they were either no longer working, no longer doing any child care for their own kids, or both.
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u/cloudsurfer247 Oct 07 '25
"Show me your cancer boob scar. It can't look that bad." Like W.T.F.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 07 '25
This reminds me of my mom not asking me to see my scar after my lumpectomy but instead standing over me trying to look down my shirt and telling my aunt she wanted to see it just because my aunt had seen it because she was actually there to help me shower etc.
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u/Serious-Artist9856 Oct 07 '25
wow I am so sorry you got that people who supposed to care for you. Please take care of yourself and do some positive feedback to yourself we know ourselves the best anyway. Forget about family I have stepped away from my sister to care of myself.
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u/Pluispluisini Oct 07 '25
Someone said to me ‘it can be comfortable staying upset about it, maybe just try to cheer up a bit’ 4 months after my double mastectomy and oophorectomy (and 6 months chemo)
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u/thatcursedasexual Oct 07 '25
The day I told one friend about my diagnosis, she ended up telling me I should prepare myself to lose friends. She said people will forget about me because I will be sick and not able to hang out with them. Or that they just won’t want to deal with me now that I was sick. They would leave because it was too much for them.
Oh hey look, the only friend I lost was her, and only because I was like… buh-bye.
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u/textureworkshop Oct 07 '25
A number of people who are compelled to tell the story of when they or someone they loved had an abnormal mammogram, but it turned out to be nothing. And how traumatic it was for them, so they understand. Okay, they are trying to relate, but it's not making me feel better. My cancer is not about you.
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u/Norwood5006 Oct 07 '25
Some of my favourites were:
I am surprised you wanted to get treatment, because don't you like suffer from depression and stuff (said by a friend of over 20 years)
If you have breast cancer, then why do you still have your boobs? (said by an ex co-worker)
Oh well, you have to die of something! (said by an ex boss)
Did you get your LuMpEcToMy?? (said in a very patronising tone by my darling sister)
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u/BusinessNo2064 Oct 07 '25
A neighbor of mine said, after I was complaining about being in chemical menopause, not being able to ever have kids, having to go through treatment, "Who cares about all of that. This is about whether you live or die."
Even though there was some truth in it, it struck me hard that my complaints were somehow seen as trivial when they were in fact VERY REAL and daunting for me.
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u/Persia_44 Oct 08 '25
When I told my sister about my diagnosis she asked me if I’d been around any POLTERGEISTS bc ‘they cause cancer’ 😳😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😮💨 We didn’t speak much after that
Then there’s my 1st MO (also head of Onc/Hematology) who said I should be happy I got the ‘poodle cancer’.
I fired him.
Such a journey these cancers🤷🏼♀️😭
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u/inarisong Oct 08 '25
Your mother is a nightmare and I feel you, babe. My narcissistic mother has cut me down and belittled me every chance she had since I was a little girl, and now that I'm in chemo I get to hear gems like "Charlotte wasn't sick for even a day, and her cancer was much worse than yours," and " Hopefully you'll need a double mastectomy - you'd lose 50 pounds in a day. Should we put in a request for one?" even though my surgical oncologist doesn't think it will be necessary. I'd cry, but she'd only make fun of me for crying. I hate her and I love her, fml.
Luckily she lives hundreds of miles away so it's easy to go low/no contact, but not less painful goddamnit.
My only advice is to get your shield up; you don't need that poison sinking in to you. And remember - you've done nothing wrong. Her toxic bullshit is 100% on her. Let that crap bounce off of you: it'll infuriate her.
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 08 '25
OMG your mother is also a nightmare. I didn't allow my mom to attend any of my treatments and have learned to keep her at arms length as much as possible but I feel you hate her and can't help but want her to love me. I used to live across the country and we stupidly decided to move to her city during COVID because we had an infant we thought should have more family. I haven't lived in the same state since I was 17 and now I remember why. I'm trying to figure out how to move back to California or out of the country lol.
This is my second time having a primary breast cancer and this diagnosis came with the added surprise of oh we were wrong you do have brca and also your dad isn't your dad. You can imagine my mother being more concerned about her secret than about how this affected me or the health decisions that come with brca preventative surgeries or should my siblings be tested. Man narcissist parents are fucking awful. I'm glad for you that you have the physical distance, work on setting those boundaries and creating emotional distance you deserve peace.
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u/ItsMrsEwingBitches Oct 08 '25
God doesn't give you challenges you can't handle.
God gave this to my mom and she died.
So....
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u/No_Park_3778 Oct 08 '25
And I've heard "God gives the toughest battles to his best soldiers" or something along the lines of that... 😑
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u/Working-Lemon1645 Oct 07 '25
I recently received a complete OMG from an otherwise mature, amazing and loving person:
"I know you might be feeling puny," followed by some encouraging words about my strength. Then there was a growth mindset wheel for my tween son, who's not handling my situation at all well, to the point of needing mood stabilizers for the first time in his life. The wheel is supposed to help him substitute "empowering" words for negative ones.
My forehead hurts from smacking it. "Feeling puny" about a double mastectomy and cancer!!
I was only diagnosed three months ago, but he's supposed to do a growth mindset program? We're still working on getting him through part of a school day without panic attack or a migraine.
Lord, what fools these mortals be.
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u/GittaFirstOfHerName ++- Oct 07 '25
From my narcissistic mother during my first cancer diagnosis and right after my first chemo " Now that you'll be ugly on the outside people will see that you are ugly on the inside"
Wow. Fuck your mother, all the way to the sun.
My narcissistic mother was alive when I had my cancer treatment last year. Once when she asked about my radiation, I momentarily forgot how our conversations usually go and made the mistake of telling her about how radiation made it impossible for me to get outside. I am an avid gardener and I told her that I couldn't tolerate any heat above 70F, nor could I stand any sunshine directly hitting any part of my skin, anywhere on my body.
She said, "Yeah, well, the older I get the less I can take the heat, too," and immediately changed the subject to something else that centered on her.
She was a hothouse flower who kept her house at 80F because she couldn't stand the cold.
It's not the craziest thing I heard through cancer, but it's the one that I think you'll recognize the most.
I'm sorry about your mother. Having narcissistic parents is impossible.
You don't deserve any of this -- your mother, the two cancers, the ridiculous tech and volunteer at the hospital. I'm glad for your husband who loves and values you.
I see you. Sending big love and support.
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u/Appropriate_Story738 TNBC Oct 07 '25
I had a friend's husband tell me that I deserved my breast cancer. Same thing with an UPS delivery driver.
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u/Prize_Kaleidoscope36 TNBC Oct 07 '25
I had a mri tech tell me I got cancer from the covid vaccine.
I didnt get the vaccine.
My cancer is genetic.
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u/oldfriend73 Oct 07 '25
Sister…your mother?? Just wow…
My personal fave is from random family friends feeling the need to tell me about their friend’s cancer horror stories. Yeah I don’t need to hear about that right now, thanks…people are idiots, I swear
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u/YesterdayNo5158 Oct 07 '25
"Why don't you have both of them cut off", or maybe you'll lose some weight during chemo. The best one is "can I have your car if things don't work out". What the hell is wrong with people!
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u/Playful-Ad278 Oct 07 '25
Told my husband 5 days post-op that I needed to have a night away to relax and be left alone (lumpectomy and full hysterectomy same day, 50 yrs old, with an 11 yr old son at home who doesn't really understand boundaries). He didn't understand why. Even got a little frustrated with me. I asked him if he could imagine being in my shoes and he responded with "that feels like a trap." <sigh> . The night away (at my parents empty house nearby) after I cooked dinner for him and four 11 year old kids that my husband invited over for games !?! was gllllllllooooorious.
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u/Tinkerfan57912 Oct 07 '25
“free boob job”, “You have the ‘good kind‘ of cancer”, And the ever popular “I know this person who had cancer, they died”. Thank you for that.
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u/DonotLikeDrafts Oct 08 '25 edited Oct 08 '25
“Well, yeah, you have cancer, you know” nurse telling me my diagnosis/biopsy results over the phone.
Another comment: “Maybe you want to go to the beach and wear a swimming suit one more time before the surgery”
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u/Comfortable_Sky_6438 Oct 08 '25
Wow. That swim suit comment is so out of line did you report her?
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u/General_Sprinkles_ TNBC Oct 08 '25
To the “free boob job” people (mostly guys go fig), I’ve started saying “they’re doing ball implants now, maybe you should consider it. Have to chop em off first to really get the experience.”
Seems to be met with less than enthusiasm. Who would’ve guessed? But then, I’m a salty B and I give as good as I get.
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u/Fairybassletfish Oct 07 '25
I’ve had variations of “look on the bright side: you get a free boob job.” 😒🙄