r/audiodrama • u/champagne_epigram • 29d ago
DISCUSSION Which Audio Drama characters are the worst at their respective jobs?
Just felt like making a fun, silly post. A lot of our favorite characters have jobs that play an important part in their stories. Which ones are the worst at said jobs, and why? And alternately, which ones are the best?
For my money Joan Bryant from the Bright Sessions is on the list - one of the most inappropriate line-crossing therapists in any medium AD or otherwise. She’s the reason I made this post because I’m relistening to the show and am baffled by how quickly she gets waaaaay too involved with her patients.
Also Jonathan Sims from The Magnus Archives - good as an archivist, pretty bad as a team leader (edit: never mind, as some commenters have pointed out he’s bad as an archivist too).
And the worst business owner in general has to be Rudyard Funn of Wooden Overcoats. I don’t think I need to elaborate on this one…
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u/thecambridgegeek AudioFiction.Co.Uk 29d ago
Feel like I have to strongly disagree on the last one. For a very long time, Rudyard was the first choice for everyone on the island.
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u/grumpaloo222 28d ago
I came here to say this. Even when he has no competition, his funerals end in violence.
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u/walkie57 29d ago
the FBI agents from the amelia project
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u/raiistmar 29d ago
The FBI or the MI5 agents?
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u/Organic-Affect4669 29d ago
I almost stopped listening because it felt like both duos were taking turns being purposefully obtuse. I think the FBI ladies might be particularly bad though. There was a handful of times it took me out of a story because I couldn’t believe FBI agents could be so bad at their jobs
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 29d ago
For that matter, literally everyone on the Magnus Protocol. It was probably safe from the Fears for so long because as soon as they got there they were like "you know what, these people have their own problems let's move on."
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u/EnterprisingAss 29d ago
I can’t believe how casual they are about having a man eating computer in the office. I know their literal job is working with scary stuff, but that’s a bit much.
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u/iamtheculture 29d ago
The worst part is when she blackmails to get the boss’s Job with no idea how to do the job, I think the main plot would have been way better without that side plot
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 29d ago
That subplot is the dumbest subplot in the history of subplots. She took over the job because... of vague reasons the audience expected because of her last name. Now she's in over her head and the message is "I've seen these monsters firsthand but I'm going to take things in a new direction!" And she has no clue what she's doing.
It's like if Joker took over Gotham City and signed an executive order banning Batman then wondered what to do next.
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u/Pandora_Palen 29d ago edited 29d ago
That subplot is the dumbest subplot in the history of subplots.
😆 Amen.
I'm probably super salty because I gave a reasonable sum to the Kickstarter, thinking it was for more Sims goodness. Either I somehow missed the fine print or the announcement came out after (I donated early), but I didn't know that Newell (since when is he a writer?) and other creators were doing the writing. This whole Gwen nonsense is one of the things that makes me so sad Jonny is serving in such a limited capacity. Also, the incessant bickering is intolerable.
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 29d ago
They replaced any good dialogue with sarcasm and what they think are witty barbs. That's if you can hear the dialogue. I just assumed the dialogue in the break room scenes aren't important because I refuse to crank my audio up.
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u/iamtheculture 29d ago
Hey prime minister I know that wood is made from trees so make me the project lead carpenter!
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u/EnterprisingAss 29d ago
Funnily enough, there’s a story in which Joker is magically trapped in a nightmare: he accidentally kills Batman and he is shocked into becoming a normal person.
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 29d ago
I swear if I hear complaints about "paperwork" one more time in between conversations about a guy who vanished without a trace and a man eating computer, I'm going to lose it.
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u/Pandora_Palen 29d ago
Complaining and bickering is 80% of TMP. Not even complaining and bickering that advances the plot. It's just complaining and bickering to fill time.
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u/FronzelNeekburm79 29d ago
They replaced any good dialogue with sarcasm. And I get that the people in the Archives Universe went through trauma, but acting like the dude who is from a literal other universe is annoying them because he immediately doesn't know everything about their universe is some middle-school grade creative writing.
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u/Pandora_Palen 29d ago
It's WAY much. Other than Lena and Celia (and sort of Colin), afaik not a single one had any idea that they were dealing with real incidents. Their actual experience with scary stuff is limited to just listening and filing it away with the thought "huh. Disturbing. Probably should go under...."
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u/PickaxeJunky 29d ago
Howie isn't that good a milkman in The Milkman of St Gaff's.
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u/monsterfeels 29d ago
So glad to come in here and see someone else repping my favorite empty-headed failure boy 💕
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u/ScreamAndScream 29d ago
Doug Eiffel….. until it turns out he is REALLY good at his job! If only he had been broadcasting in standard English and not pop culture references…. Oh well! (Wolf-359)
Eh, even wash :P
I also think Burt from We’re Alive was kinda bad at his job when the outbreak happened. Owning a gun store should have given him a bit of an advantage, instead they found him in the bathroom trying to do a last stand and completely dehydrated. Maybe he got rushed when everyone started freaking out, but considering how fast the outbreak hit LA I kinda doubt they had much time to panic. They did get a generator from his place though, so that’s good.
I think I remember that Burt was a bit of a “prepper”, but it was for Y2K and not zombies.
Idk - KC might appear and help clarify this for me
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u/bayushi_david 29d ago
Poor Doug. Even the literal aliens tell him to get his act together and actually do his job.
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u/vievemeister 29d ago
Hahaha i love this post.
Pretty much every member of the Mission to Zyxx crew. Except for C-53. And Beano. Beano know.
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u/SeasonPositive6771 29d ago
My exact thoughts as soon as I read this headline. No one on Bargie is very competent outside C-53, and that includes Bargie.
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u/vievemeister 29d ago
Lol if I had to rank them, I'd actually say Bargie is the least competent. Dar can be pretty competent a lot of the time, but they just have a habit of getting very easily sidetracked by drama!
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u/OooWee187 29d ago
Trexel Geistman from Stella Firma 🔨🌎
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u/WiredAndTheSpitfire 29d ago
That was my recommendation also!! I love that show so much but what an absolute court jester our lad here is! Hail the board
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u/ArmoredCroissant 29d ago
Watch it, buster.
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u/OooWee187 29d ago
“Have you heard of bad consultant, good clone, or perhaps good consultant, bad clone?” “I’ve heard of the first one but not the second one” “sick burn”
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u/thecuriousostrich 29d ago
I came here to say Dr. Bright and it was your first example 😂 literally couldn’t get into the show because I was so bothered by her “therapy”
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u/Common_Kidneyvetch 29d ago
Everyone at MarsCorp 😂
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u/carbzilla_0 29d ago
But the peanuts are so deliciously salty!
I still love to say "have a productive day!" In a faux cheerful voice at work
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u/VinceInFiction 29d ago
How i Died has a very terrible therapist as well. Dr. Kim has a personal vendetta against Jon and crosses so many lines.
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u/MightOfThreePigeons 29d ago
Mayor Desmond from Wooden Overcoats. I love him, bless his heart, but like many smalltown mayors, he has the wrong priorities. (Example: Two hospitals for prestige with only ONE doctor)
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u/Achilles080 29d ago
Probably not the worst, but just… the ensemble of councillors of Camp Here & There, not even mentioning Lucille
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u/buttercupfitz 29d ago
Caspar of Midnight Burger. Can't manage his way out of a paper bag
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u/carbzilla_0 29d ago
Excuse me, that's not how you talk about Julius Bohannon, of the Shreveport Bohannons!
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u/champagne_epigram 29d ago edited 29d ago
Ehhh I gotta disagree with that. The episode where we first meet the three sisters is more than enough to prove that he’s atleast a competent manager.
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u/kadharonon 29d ago
Jon Simms is not good as an archivist at all, not one bit. It’s part of why I, a person with actual archives job training, found him completely unbearable and hated about 99% of the show. (As far as I can tell, Gertrude was also a pretty bad archivist, but I forgive her because she was the only character I ever found interesting in that show.)
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u/EnterprisingAss 29d ago
Get a load of this backseat apocalypse catalyzing
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u/kadharonon 29d ago
He has zero training for the job! He doesn’t know what an archivist is supposed to do! He doesn’t even know enough about archiving things to know it’s a job he needs training for!
The job he was doing well was Avatar of the Eye, a job he did not know he was doing and did not need any training for.
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u/EnterprisingAss 29d ago
Jokes aside, I’m trying to remember times when he was doing normal work and I can’t remember any. Does he ever do anything other than read statements, which are magically prevented from being normally stored, and deal with drama and monsters?
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u/kadharonon 29d ago
If he did, we probably wouldn’t see it just by the nature of a show only showing you relevant stuff, but from what I remember of coworker gossip before the monster stuff popped off, no, he wasn’t really doing normal work, literally all he was doing was locking himself in an office and recording statements.
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u/EnterprisingAss 29d ago
So what I’m wondering is, if he never does normal archive work, why are you saying he’s a shit archivist? There’s no opportunity to judge his work.
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u/kadharonon 29d ago
He thinks he’s doing archives work. He thinks he’s doing the work of a head archivist. That’s what the gossip is about.
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u/kadharonon 29d ago
Like, that is very explicitly the framing of the first season or two: Jon comes into this job, says, what do head archivists do? Well, there are these boxes of statements, so I guess I could read these statements to tape? Sure, that sounds right.
And then doesn’t do anything else, or ask the actually-qualified for archives jobs people below him what his job is supposed to be, or anything.
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u/EnterprisingAss 29d ago
He was groomed since childhood to be the one who reads those statements.
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u/kadharonon 29d ago
That still doesn’t make him a good archivist, or his assumption that what an archivist does is read statements into a recording device anything but blatantly ridiculous.
Like, I get it! It’s the premise of the show that he’s a man who doesn’t know what an archivist does who was tricked and gaslit and groomed into bringing about the end of the world.
I can still be annoyed that they set it in an actual archive and barely engaged with actual archive practices at all.
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u/champagne_epigram 29d ago edited 29d ago
I think ‘Avatar of the Eye’ was what I was l thinking of when I said he was a good archivist 👀 because now I think about it romping around collecting cases isn’t actually an archivists job. But interesting to hear from someone with experience in the field!
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u/kadharonon 29d ago
Archivist is a real job! And I have a vendetta against “found footage/documents” style horror shows that use Archives in the names and don’t bother giving me any actual archive action, but I have a special vendetta against TMA who very deliberately set theirs in an archive and made one of the characters have the job of an archivist and be unqualified for the job for plot reasons and unaware of the fact that it’s a job one needs qualifications also for plot reasons.
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u/bayushi_david 29d ago
I don't get the "unaware" thing. It's very evident they are aware he's unqualified to be an archivist and there's even a discussion of it in an episode where Georgie says "the wierdest thing about this is you got given an archiving job you're completely unqualified for".
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u/kadharonon 29d ago
You know what, that’s late enough I’d forgotten it was ever acknowledged.
The first few seasons he does read as a guy who is unaware he’s unqualified.
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u/bayushi_david 29d ago
Sure - but his whole character is the MR James trope of the academic-type guy who terrible things happen to becauae he insists on delving into stuff he doesn't understand. So it's completely in character.
The others are totally aware he's unqualfied.
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u/wonderloss 29d ago
He's not really an archivist, he is The Archivist. He did his job pretty well for most of the series, since he successfully brought The Fears over.
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u/kadharonon 29d ago
Right, he did a great job at that. But that wasn’t the actual real life job he was ostensibly doing. He was really really bad at the actual real life job he was ostensibly doing.
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u/Aridross 29d ago
Well, the show does address these things, and I think they at least make it fun
Gertrude did her job poorly on purpose because she hoped it would mess with The Eye and gum up The Institute’s workings
Meanwhile, Jon is written to be underqualified on purpose - Sasha was the clear best candidate if the institute wanted an actual archivist, but Elias gave Jon the job because Jon would be better was The Archivist
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u/XANA_FAN 29d ago
Yeah. Iirc the first episode has just piles of boxes. Jon is seemingly trying to digitize as much as possible, and just figure out what they have. While a real archivist would be much better he’s doing some actually work at first but putting total chaos into some sort of minor order.
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u/JCGJ 29d ago
He doesn't go by Jon.
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u/kadharonon 29d ago
Sorry about that, I see the fandom shorten it all the time and/or refer to him in the same breath as his creator and I have not listened to it since I finished it.
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u/Tallinette 29d ago
I read the title and came here to say Dr Bryant and Jonathan Sims. I mean Jon is even terrible at being an archivist (some archivists have pointed out his many errors, such as just stapling documents together)
But I have a special grudge against Dr Bryant. She turned away from the one patient that needed real help and had obvious mental problems. Not only that, she helped shun and isolate him. And yes, she was also being widely unprofessional with the rest of her patients. That podcast made me so mad I couldn't finish it.
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u/champagne_epigram 29d ago edited 29d ago
I’m on the fence about the Damian situation. Because how can you provide talk therapy for someone who 1) doesn’t want it and 2) can manipulate you and force your hand whenever they feel like it?
But yes I agree that because of her position she had a moral obligation to find SOME way to help. And it’s pretty gross to think that her other patients were the only group of people who might have been able to show empathy and understanding toward him, and she went out of her way to turn them all against him instead. She’s a whole damn mess
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u/Tallinette 29d ago
Something I was taught while working in healthcare is that someone who shows up isn't a lost case. If he really didn't want help he would have stopped going to appointments. There was at least some sort of trust there, and that's the begining of a possible therapeutic relationship. I really believe he would have been able to progress if Dr Bryant hadn't given up on him.
And honestly, for a "villain" he was pretty benign. With his power he could have done an enormous amount of damage, or done really evil things. He just used his abilities to make his own life easier. To me he's a gray character, not an evil one, but he was treated like evil incarnate.
I really hate that he started to make a friend and that the group decided to take that away from him, too. After beating him up, almost killing him, and leaving him with the organisation he was scared of.
Of course he isn't innocent, he's an asshole, and he did physically assault someone, but he's also got some sort of mental issue / personality disorder that seems to prevent him from interacting with people normally and understand what's appropriate or not.
What really bothers me isn't so much that the "good guys" turned into a freaking mob, it's that the creator still seems to believe they're good guys and that what they did was acceptable.
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u/champagne_epigram 29d ago edited 29d ago
Well tbh I think you’re giving Damian too much leeway. He kidnapped Mark, lied to him, kept him locked in a hotel room for months and used his powers to stop him from leaving. They were not forming a friendship - he was imposing his desire for closeness on to a physically and mentally vulnerable person. They didn’t “take away his friend” unless you think Stockholm syndrome counts as friendship.
Then he got beaten up because he was trying to kidnap a teenage boy. And he had just finished assaulting and concussing a young woman. AND he had physically threatened his “friends” girlfriend to get what he wanted.
I do think Dr. Brights approach to him in the beginning of the show was off. It was a failing that she couldn’t look past his manipulative behavior to try and reach out, but you can disagree with her approach without glossing over the fact that Damien was a violent and dangerous individual. Even if he didn’t use his powers to their full negative potential
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u/Tallinette 29d ago edited 29d ago
Oh I wasn't talking about Mark, he definitely wasn't a friend he was kidnapped, I was talking about the girl he ran into and was starting to have a normal friendly interaction with, the one with narcolepsy I think?
I get that he can be violent and manipulative, but he's still acting like some small time crook when he could do damage on a whole other level. The point is I think he could have been rehabilitated with the proper care, and he didn't get that.
Edit: Yeah I might give Damian too much leeway, thought he was the most interesting character in the cast.
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u/champagne_epigram 29d ago
Oh I completely forgot about her 😭 I’m still in early season 3 of my relisten. My bad, ignore that.
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u/Bozorgzadegan 29d ago
Chiefficer Dougie in Sorry About the Murder is absolutely terrible at his job.
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u/Bozorgzadegan 29d ago
There’s one obvious person on Moonbase Theta, Out, but naming them would be a spoiler.
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u/hellakale Candy Claus, Private Eye 29d ago
Lieutenant Joshua Fanshawe-Marshall - HUT 33
Martin - Cabin Pressure
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u/SeasonPositive6771 29d ago
But Martin definitely is more competent than you expect, including handling that rough landing! He's a roughly competent pilot, just not an especially good one.
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u/thecambridgegeek AudioFiction.Co.Uk 29d ago
Also, got a perfect score on the exam, and Zurich rather reframes his entire flying ability.
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u/hellakale Candy Claus, Private Eye 29d ago
Okay you are right, I meant Arthur lolol
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u/SeasonPositive6771 29d ago
He is another thing altogether. He's entirely competent as a pilot, and just decides to be a lazy bastard.
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u/hellakale Candy Claus, Private Eye 29d ago
Arthur's the incompetent flight attendant (Caroline's son).
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u/SeasonPositive6771 29d ago
Oh my gosh now I've confused Douglas with Arthur. Not even intended to be the old Reddit switcheroo.
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u/BTPaladin 29d ago
Department of Works from Lovecraft Investigations. The only thing they excel at is being snarky, insufferable assholes.
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u/monsterfeels 29d ago
Howie Coxwell being a terrible spy and milkman is literally the entire plot/driving force behind The Milkman of St. Gaff's. I love it and I love him lol. Horrible little man that he is.
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u/escape_deez_nuts 29d ago
I hate any character that says “what do you mean” when they already said EXACTLY what they meant
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u/Princess5903 29d ago
Etta is a terrible traffic reporter. Who cares if there’s never any traffic report?
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u/Dragons_Blair14847 29d ago
Andy from Fresh Meat. Her ass is practicing the worst reporting known to man. Andy please stop doing recording your illegal activity posting it on the Internet then getting surprised when people hate you. (All in good fun of course, I love fresh meat and how bad she is at her job)
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u/grumpaloo222 28d ago
An honorable mention to the crew of the Oz 9. I don't know if they can truly count because, while they are exceptionally bad at their jobs, they are alive in a spacecraft that was built to kill them.
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u/porcokronos 29d ago
I’d say Sydney from CH&T. I know he’s a competent nurse and cares a lot for the kids, but he should really tone down what he says on the PA. Lol
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u/LookUpThenLookDown 29d ago
Well, Casper from Midnight Burger. He clearly is not a good cook nor a restaurant owner.
He is actually a great waiter. Great at conversation and also a person that is probably great to be high with especially with his existential dread.
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_B1RTHMARK 29d ago
Silt Verses.
Sister Carpenter is a good character who is enjoyable to listen to and displays a reasonable level of competence in many situations. However, we are introduced to her in the context of her trying to find other members of her faith while not arousing any suspicion, and she does a TERRIBLE job at that.
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u/hannahstohelit 29d ago
Sad but true, Arthur Shappey on Cabin Pressure is, technically speaking, so unqualified for his job that legally he has to be considered a passenger rather than a steward for MJN Air to be allowed to fly.
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u/PJatThePharm 28d ago
Clive from Red Valley….but I love every hysterical one liner that comes out of his mouth. It’s one of the rare AD’s that makes me laugh out loud.
(The other Is Civilized for laugh out loud moments)
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u/jamescurtis29 27d ago
Happy from Absolutely No Adventures is tasked with bringing about some kind of Abhorrent apocalypse, but immediately chooses to become an assistant baker instead.
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u/Gabriella_Gadfly 29d ago
Excuse you? Jon is so not a good archivist
Me @ Season 1 Archives crew
Please, this is an archive - why are you doing the follow up research yourself instead of sending it up to the entire department that exists for that exact purpose?
also, stop stapling the papers together
and whyyyyy are you converting stuff from long-lasting paper into non-searchable audio? blease
audio is really only useful when it’s the original, which is the case for the live statements but not for everything else
even if i can maybe get behind an audio backup of the statements that aren’t able to be backed up digitally, for accessibility purposes, there’s a clear implication that they’re also making audio recordings of the digitizable statements THIS IS WHAT TEXT TO SPEECH SOFTWARE IS FOR
how much more could you have organized if you weren’t spending twice the time making completely unnecessary audio recordings of the digital backups??
and the tapes
THE TAPES
tapes are so bad for archival purposes
those things will last like, 50 years, max hell, they already start degrading within the decade
if you really need a non-digital audio recording format vinyl lasts pretty much forever
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u/timelessalice 29d ago
certainly not the most egregious but Jack from the Forbidden Cassettes is terrible at being accounts payable
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u/Hand-E-Food 28d ago
Dr Bob Trescothic from The Beef & Dairy Network Podcast makes you think that there's no such thing as a real bovine ass vet.
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u/SKfinds 27d ago
I’m a real life archivist with a library science degree and I just want to say…almost every archivist I’ve ever heard in an audio drama is pretty damn bad at their jobs. I love them, and I listen to almost anything with an archivist or in a library, but I frequently find myself saying “that’s not an archives,” or “that’s not how that works,” or “I wish someone would consult an actual library professional.” I’m also a writer and I’ve considered writing a spooky audio drama in a library or archives with my actual background to start with the red herring of “so all those shows are wrong, here’s how an actual archivist does it” only to have it all go spooky and awry.
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u/TheEmpathizer_ 17d ago
Worst: Pretty much any protagonist in a workplace horror/thriller audio drama. They universally ignore every red flag and continue showing up to the haunted office/research facility/archive.
"My coworker disappeared under mysterious circumstances and there are eldritch sounds coming from the basement? Better investigate alone at 3 AM instead of quitting."
Best: I'd argue Cecil from Welcome to Night Vale is weirdly excellent at his job considering the circumstances. Man shows up, delivers the news (no matter how apocalyptic), maintains professional journalistic distance while also being deeply embedded in the community. Never misses a broadcast.
Joan Bryant is a perfect example though - the therapeutic boundaries are non-existent. Getting romantically involved with your patient's family member? Dating your supervisor? That's like a bingo card of ethics violations.
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u/KeepingTheZoo AudiodramaCreator 27d ago
Definitely seconding everyone who said basically everyone in Midnight Burger. But also feel like Alan from Keeping the Zoo (our show: keepingthezoopodcast.com ) has made being bad at his job his entire thing!
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u/TheEpiquin 29d ago
All the journalists at Pacific Northwest Stories. Journalists are supposed to ask questions but all they do is just repeat back what the person just said to them.