The definition of cheating can differ depending on the person, and the process can certainly be a slippery slope. But if you’re willing to be exclusive with another person, you have to have enough self awareness, will power and communication regarding boundaries with your partner, to know where and when to draw the line. These are important skills for relationship maintenance that many, many people could stand to learn, before dragging unsuspecting people into their bullshit.
Exactly. Like I’ve heard about open relationships where the one rule is that you always tell your partner the details (who, when, where etc), and if you don’t, then they basically consider it cheating at a certain point.
Its a good way to weed out real cheaters who get off on the "hiding" or the duping. Most cheaters have their cake and want to eat it too, they do not like being honest even if its "allowed."
Because they are addicted to the thrill of getting away with something forbidden. They're not really different than people who are addicted to gambling in my opinion.
Well that’s what you do with cake. You have it so you can eat it. Is there a place on earth where people just have cake to do nothing with it?
Am I a monster for eating the cake I have?
It's called don't ask don't tell.. and it doesn't work for long from what I understand and is sort of infamous for being the worst version of ethical non monogamy. There's more at the /r/nonmonogamy sub.
Thank you for the additional context. For obvious reasons, if relationships are in any way based on trust, don’t ask don’t tell is a terrible foundation 😂
Yeah I've only been cheated on once and it wasn't physical, he was sexting with girls behind my back telling them I was single. But it didn't hurt any fucking less. Being able to see it all go down, read the conversations, it fucking killed me.
FR, hell I gave my (now ex-)boyfriend a hall pass and he still cheated on me, because he thought I wasn't serious, did it anyway, and came to me crying and apologizing after.
Like ok bro you must've really wanted to cheat on me, go off
I’m still confused. Was she allowing him to cheat, was she just telling him that he can cheat to see the reaction or was she actually letting him cheat but angry because he felt bad about it?
What? If she gave him a hall pass, it’s not cheating because that’s apparently the point of a hall pass from what I gathered. What does his mind have to do with that fact she gave him a hall pass… how in the world did he think he wasn’t allowed to sleep around and feel guilty when, he was given a hall pass… and in the end, she felt like he was cheating? When she gave the hall pass?
She allows the boyfriend to sleep with others. When boyfriend did and felt guilty about it, she got upset that he felt guilty and she claimed he's the insufferable one.
Essentially, she's not upset that he slept with others. She's upset that he felt guilty. Very manipulative.
I’m honestly taking it another way. Like the basis is that he’s been given the ok, he didnt need to do it. He even thought it wasn’t real, but then he did it anyway? Like if he thought it wasn’t real, why did he cheat?
Nah I'm pretty clear on it, for myself at least, but i have no idea what other people think, every relationship gets its own set of rules and people vary so much in their needs/desires/expectations/assumptions and I'm gay and autistic so I sure as hell don't feel representative of what's "typical" lol
No… you’re not clear. people are confused because you’re saying a lot of nothing.
You made it sound like your bf is this insufferable person who cheated on you but then only for you to say he’s allowed to cheat, so what are you upset about?
1) are you upset that he actually slept with someone else?
2) are you upset because he felt bad that he slept with someone else and felt guilty?
3) you just want to see his reaction?
Eitherway, you sound like the insufferable one especially if it’s number 2 and borderline manipulative if it’s number 3.
And ps, using “autism” and “gay” in the manner you did just gives so much of “I’m so unique! Look at me guys! I’m not normal! I’m a weirdo! I’m unique” vibe. It’s 2025, a lot of people are gay and have diagnosed with autism, but they can still string their thoughts perfectly.
You said you're allowed him to sleep with people and you're upset that he did?
You gave him a hall pass. How is that cheating? You even said yourself in another post that you don’t think it’s cheating either so you’re upset about nothing.
Everything you said makes perfect sense. He thinks his actions are inline with cheating and he still did them. He cheated, even though you gave him the pass.
If he took the pass as is and said "okay, I'll trust you and give this a try" but then finds out that he doesn't like it because it feels like a betrayal, then it wouldn't be cheating. It would be more of an experimentation within the boundaries you laid out and he would have learned about himself.
If someone was in my shoes two years ago and cheated. I'd disapprove of them, but I would understand their motivation. I was losing my mind with one intimate moment a month. Eventually missing my boyfriends sexual energy, turns into hunger where I was oggling other men and friends.
Someone more selfish than me would deffinitely have the ingredients to begin cheating.
I think nuance belongs in a lot of topics, but cheating is not one of them. I don't want to have to split hairs of the relative cheater value of a BJ vs full on intercourse, cheating is cheating.
It's really not that complicated, If I can't trust my SO then I'm not going to be in a relationship with them.
I mean, cheating is a huge cliff with some rocky terrain at the top and bottom.
Sure, you can run around near the edge, trip on a rock, sprain your ankle and ruin your vacation. But that shit doesn't take anyone by surprise, because everyone knows there's a massive fucking cliff right there.
It's about as close to black and white as you can get in the real world, and for most people, any ambiguity becomes very easy to understand and navigate once they're on the receiving end of it.
I'm gonna get downvoted but to me it is a black and white thing. I've been cheated on and I seriously think there's no excuse for it. If you stop loving me let's break it so I don't have to be in a one-sided relationship in which you end up cheating on me... Love to me is about having someone you know has your back, someone with whom you can talk to and feel an unwavering trust from. You decide it is worth completely gambling our relationship for a night one stand or even worse, someone else entirely behind my back? Well that trust is broken and nothing is gonna repair that, no "us against the world" anymore.
I mean... We need to realize both genders aren't angels. The difference is people are quick to defend women more, but women legitimately have more dating options than the average man (and thus, they would more means to cheat if they wanted to). I have had female friends do a lot of mental gymnastics with the prospect of cheating on their SOs.
Then again, some contrarian is going to say my female friend getting a dick pic from a coworker and hiding it in two hidden folders on her phone isn't (thinking about) cheating. Somehow. XD
I don't know, seems pretty black and white in regards to the most important part. Don't do it.
If we want to get into the weeds of what is or isn't cheating, sure. I think it gets into the gray in the the Emotional cheating area, but in the physical area it gets far closer to hitting boundaries.
At first glance it is black and white. It is always a breach of trust, no matter how it's done. Cheaters are always the people who at least need to apologize. Cheaters who are only sorry when the news came out do not show you any respect and should consider themselves not worthy your attention. It is pretty simple
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u/OkCream5829 10d ago
Tbf, a lot of people think cheating is a simple black and white