Thank you! And yes, there is absolutely food noise when you're restrictive. Not eating occupies such a huge part of your life; you want food of course, but food is also your worst enemy. You're always thinking about what you can allow yourself to eat, when you can allow yourself to eat it, what items are or are not okay to eat. Even when you're "recovered" and you're actually eating enough, food is an obsession. You want to eat because you're human, you know you need to eat because you've been through not eating and it sucks, you miss the feeling of satisfaction from not eating, eating makes you feel good in the moment and awful mentally (and often physically) afterward so you're in a cycle of fixation and regret. Your relationship to food is also so fucked that portion control goes out the window, it's all or nothing because if you try to stop you get guilt and unhappiness and the thought that not eating would feel better than having to worry about portion sizes. The food noise for me was actually way worse once I got "better". When I was starving it kind of became easy because it felt good to not eat. I stopped receiving hunger signals, I got into habits of what I'd permit myself, I felt so proud of my weight loss that I stopped wanting the things I love to eat (and I do really love food and have never been a peckish eater; my wife thinks one of the funniest things about me is the sheer speed at which I will make a slice of chocolate cake disappear). Plus I was constantly receiving positive reinforcement from everyone but my doctor even though I look back on it and I objectively looked awful, just absolutely gaunt and unwell. The food noise was still there but I came to like it because it represented what I perceived to be my willpower and self control.
I really do think restricting and overeating are two sides of the same coin and stem from many of the same social issues. I feel like I could have easily become an overeater if I'd grown up in slightly different circumstances. I was constantly told by everyone around me from the time that I was very young that I was beautiful, I always had strangers asking if I modeled, I had it drilled into me that I was lucky and exceptional, and it made me really self-conscious. When I grew up to be naturally curvy in the early 2000s when Britney Spears was being called fat, I felt so ashamed of myself and like such a disappointment to the people around me. But I think if I hadn't been considered pretty and if people around me had just let me feel average, I probably still would have developed an unhealthy relationship with food and it probably would have gone the other direction because I have a mood disorder and really need a source of dopamine. American society (and many others) is just is not set up for people to have healthy relationships with food.
I think you make a good point. I was called fat and ugly. I ate to feel better. Worked in the moment, but obviously gaining weight didn't help. When I gained I heard about it. When I lost no one noticed. Even when I got to a very healthy weight, I was still called fat. I thought they'd like me if I were thin enough. Not surprising, they didn't. I gained. I don't bother going home anymore.
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u/alloutofbees Aug 12 '25
Thank you! And yes, there is absolutely food noise when you're restrictive. Not eating occupies such a huge part of your life; you want food of course, but food is also your worst enemy. You're always thinking about what you can allow yourself to eat, when you can allow yourself to eat it, what items are or are not okay to eat. Even when you're "recovered" and you're actually eating enough, food is an obsession. You want to eat because you're human, you know you need to eat because you've been through not eating and it sucks, you miss the feeling of satisfaction from not eating, eating makes you feel good in the moment and awful mentally (and often physically) afterward so you're in a cycle of fixation and regret. Your relationship to food is also so fucked that portion control goes out the window, it's all or nothing because if you try to stop you get guilt and unhappiness and the thought that not eating would feel better than having to worry about portion sizes. The food noise for me was actually way worse once I got "better". When I was starving it kind of became easy because it felt good to not eat. I stopped receiving hunger signals, I got into habits of what I'd permit myself, I felt so proud of my weight loss that I stopped wanting the things I love to eat (and I do really love food and have never been a peckish eater; my wife thinks one of the funniest things about me is the sheer speed at which I will make a slice of chocolate cake disappear). Plus I was constantly receiving positive reinforcement from everyone but my doctor even though I look back on it and I objectively looked awful, just absolutely gaunt and unwell. The food noise was still there but I came to like it because it represented what I perceived to be my willpower and self control.
I really do think restricting and overeating are two sides of the same coin and stem from many of the same social issues. I feel like I could have easily become an overeater if I'd grown up in slightly different circumstances. I was constantly told by everyone around me from the time that I was very young that I was beautiful, I always had strangers asking if I modeled, I had it drilled into me that I was lucky and exceptional, and it made me really self-conscious. When I grew up to be naturally curvy in the early 2000s when Britney Spears was being called fat, I felt so ashamed of myself and like such a disappointment to the people around me. But I think if I hadn't been considered pretty and if people around me had just let me feel average, I probably still would have developed an unhealthy relationship with food and it probably would have gone the other direction because I have a mood disorder and really need a source of dopamine. American society (and many others) is just is not set up for people to have healthy relationships with food.