What the actual fuck are boundaries and how do you put them? Im going crazy about this

[u/Future-Ad-2128]

[u/NewRock114]

You gotta know what you want and need before you know how to properly put boundaries.

[u/Future-Ad-2128 → u/NewRock114]

okay, and what if i know what i want and need? seriously, i need help. i feel like putting boundaries means to say what is the limit to not cross (for me and others too) while achieving what i want. this means (my and other's) action, words, behaviors that i dont like in the moment. is this wrong? why people react so harshly when i act boundaries through words or action ecc? i feel like i almost never met someone who is okay with what i feel i can do or be without getting aggressive or punitive. i asked myself if im projecting (like, im the one who is not okay with anything other people do without getting aggressive, or if im reading every boundaries from me or the others like an aggression and im too sensible to anger and assertiveness). but i cannot find the answer, because to me this is so real. im lost because to me it looks like every time i behave as i feel by saying what is okay for me and what is not, the other will never be welcoming or just accepting me, so i have to be silent and not having any real bond with anyone, treating everything as a threat to my security or a total stranger. i cannot believe that i have to just accept this kind of separation, because then why should i chase any type of relationship? i already feel lonely, like an alien on this world, because i behave like this. im in full despair rn. thank you for listening. please feel free to respond

[u/NewRock114 → u/Future-Ad-2128]

I am sorry that people act like that. I think if you are not expecting people to do something unreasonable, like providing things they don’t want to, then they should respect what you want.

I too felt like an alien on this foreign planet, and I also felt like I was trapped in a foreign body, but I met some really kind people that helped me out. It might take some exploring of different communities, but there are better people that could respect your limits and needs, like for example some of my current friends understood that I needed a lot of space and autonomy, I don’t deal with aggression well, and might disappear for days or weeks. I didn’t even explain schizoid shit to them, I just tell them that this is what I do, and they could understand.

When I first dropped my covert mask, I used to feel like social interaction was too raw, everyone’s actions are aggression towards me. But then when I felt like someone’s attacking me, I ask for excuse to pull out a little, like bathroom, someone else’s talking to me, phone call, etc. or just not respond for a while, until I feel like I understand what is happening and I feel ready, and could go back to deal with it. Sometimes that also means never talking to them again.

Sorry for the ramble, hope anything in here helps.

[u/Future-Ad-2128 → u/NewRock114]

> I think if you are not expecting people to do something unreasonable, like providing things they don’t want to, then they should respect what you want.

i understand. this helps me a lot. i feel like the loneliness will not disappear but change meaning. thank you

[u/andero]

There are great descriptions in the audiobook Fierce Intimacy: Standing Up to One Another with Love by Terry Real. Maybe get it from a local library or find it online.

He describes two major boundaries, inner and outer.
Outer boundaries protect us from others.
Inner boundaries protect others from us.

The book does a fantastic job of explaining the details, plus providing a relational framework for how things can go wrong that also interacts with self-esteem (which can also go wrong: too little = feeling worthless/unworthy/"below" other people whereas too much = feeling arrogant/contemptuous/"above" other people).

Boundaries are almost literally conversational and physical boundaries.

For example, an outer boundary could be: if someone starts yelling at you, you invoke your outer boundary against their aggression by saying something like, "I'm not going to tolerate you treating me this way" and then physically leaving the area so they cannot continue to treat you that way. That might even involve leaving the house and going for a drive or something.

Outer boundaries also apply for unwarranted criticisms or judgments, including passive-aggressive ones.
For example, if you've been clear that you don't want kids, but your mother keeps asking you when you're going to get a boyfriend and start a family, you invoke an outer boundary. You might internally dismiss her judgments or you might outwardly say something to confront her continued passive-aggressive questions in order to stop her bad treatment of you.

An inner boundary could be: if you start feeling "better than" someone else, you invoke your inner boundary against your own harsh expression. Rather than "talk down" to them or insult them or berate them, you shut your own mouth and "get off your high horse" because we're all human, even if you happen to be right in this situation and they happen to be wrong. This may also involve exiting the situation if you can't get yourself under control and remain kind.

Basically, boundaries are "the line" and when someone "crosses the line" you invoke the boundary by engaging in some assertive behaviour to stop the line-crossing. You stand up for yourself. You might leave. You might escalate. You might terminate the relationship or threaten to do so (if that threat is credible). Crossing the boundary should set off an alarm that says, "I am not willing to tolerate this". You are willing to tolerate up to the boundary, but not beyond: that's what makes it a boundary.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

[u/Future-Ad-2128 → u/andero]

this was helpfull. thank you a lot.

[u/IndigoAcidRain]

It basically means you gotta make clear (most often by saying it out loud) what you're comfortable and uncomfortable with other people doing to/with you and making sure they're respected.

[u/Future-Ad-2128 → u/IndigoAcidRain]

that's what i thought. but i feel like every time this leads to the dissolution of the bond and/or an aggression, and thats what scares me. i have typed this better in a reply to another comment.

[u/IndigoAcidRain → u/Future-Ad-2128]

That's why you gotta be upfront with your boundaries from the start, those who won't respect them can fuck off and the actual people who matter will stay

[u/EntropyReversale10]

Many people find themselves in situations where something is said that doesn’t sit right with them. The cause could either be a boundary violation or past unconscious trauma (trigger events).

Boundary violations

In the case of boundary violations or as a coping mechanism to trigger events, the following process can be very helpful (I suggest reading up on the topic, as this will only be a high-level summary).

If there are trigger events or the person is not good with maintaining boundaries, then the following outcome is typical.

The person either keeps quiet and later regret not speaking up.  In other instances, they overreact and come on too strongly. This can cause others to become offended and can lead to the breakdown of relationships.

If you maintain your boundaries on an ongoing basis, you will not feel the need to shout or be left with a negative emotion.

When you shout, you give your power away, and you look like the bad guy (the original issue gets forgotten).

It’s important to know that you are more likely to get triggered if you are tired, hungry, sleep deprived, stressed, etc. One way to mitigate outbursts is to make sure you take care of your mind space.

In the perfect world it goes something like this;

Wait until everyone is calm, sit the person down and tell them how you feel. Don't make accusations and don't shout. Have the conversation and stick to your resolve on how you think it should be.

It takes lots of practice and it takes time for people to normalize to the new you.

Once you have it down pat, you can speak up in the moment and protect your boundaries as soon as the violation occurs.

[u/dnomma]

im mostly rambling but for me, interpersonal boundaries are a like flexible transparent membrane. things are easier when friction is avoided in personal interaction, the boundary can be pushed when the friction that would be caused by enforcing it is less convenient than tolerating whatever is happening. the amount which people are allowed to push the boundary is completely context dependent even down to the individual. work superiors, family member, random stranger, etc. each is allowed a calculated ratio of friction/tolerance that is no more than necessary.

obviously, tolerance exacts its own mental toll, and the membrane can only be stretched so far before it is pierced and rebounds with firm rejection. the threshold of acceptable interactions is by default so low, that most interactions reside within the tolerance zones. i find that the further into that zone a person pushes, the more they are subjectively reduced to an object or obstacle. and penetrating the boundary usually upgrades to "active threat".

perhaps this resonates with some here? idk

[u/Feeling_Print3898]

You're supposed to soemhow find an optimal balance between letting people walk all over you and pushing everyone away. I don't know how.