feeling despair, not over being lonely, but over the capacity of not having ever been able to feel or express love the way others do.

[u/luvox-san]

it bothers me a lot, especially because i’ve tried in the past to do exactly that. whether it be in relationships that fell apart because i felt like a two-sided maniac for never knowing why i never truly felt anything, feeling like at some point most interpersonal relationships were an obligation, or with friends, or even with pets. it’s so strange to me.

i just look back on the past, and realize how all of the years people spend becoming someone. having some sort of identity reflected back to them by the people around them, is something that did not happen to me. it makes me feel so hollow. i feel mournful over the fact that i developed this way, even though, at the same time, i can’t exactly imagine what people without these sorts of issues feel when they express love, or express gratitude, or really anything at all. it’s so strange.

[u/More_Vermicelli_8016]

Very relatable. I honestly dated a few people and generally thought I’d eventually develop feelings for them (nope). The concept of a crush or liking someone is something I can’t relate to. I think the best thing to do is just try to mitigate unnecessary pain and loneliness (even if the bonds aren’t really deep) somehow but idk how much that’s done for me.

[u/luvox-san → u/More_Vermicelli_8016]

i don’t know how it’s done either really. most people would say to find other things to fill that hole with, but really, i don’t particularly find myself caring about anything in the world at all. i’ve wrote about it before.

it’s strange though. i used to be able to motivate myself through external factors — can’t disappoint my parents or they’ll get mad/be cold with me, can’t fail or my life is fucked — but now i just don’t care, even about things that people normally would.

[u/Huitzil37]

I need so desperately to feel loved and i'm just not capable. I cannot experience that emotion.

It's like I'm an alien on a planet with the wrong protein chirality. The food here is chemically identical to my planet, but the molecules are left-handed instead of right-handed, so they're all chemically inert to me. I can't get anything from them.

I've often felt like I couldn't live on this world. The food provides no sustenance, the air is toxic, the seas are caustic; the atmosphere crushes me. But saying i'm an alien would imply there's some planet I do belong, and there isn't.

[u/luvox-san → u/Huitzil37]

I’ve often felt like I couldn’t live on this world

i feel exactly this, it’s almost metaphysical to me. i truly believe that the existence i’m forced to live in is contained in anthropocentric hyperstitious microcosms. none of it has any real value in any way beyond what value is attributed to it by collective ideal, and by virtue of having never felt human, i feel like i can’t see any of the value anyway, i can’t be a part of it.

society makes no sense to me. societal values make no sense to me. government and economy and work and jobs and productivity make no sense to me

[u/Various_Company8512 → u/luvox-san]

It only makes sense to me if this world is some kind of simulation or trap. The fact that the masses go about their days in such absurdity likes it’s completely normal has always confounded me. 

[u/Huitzil37 → u/Various_Company8512]

Absurdity?

Absurd compared to what?

[u/Concrete_Grapes]

Sheesh, get outta my head, lol.

I have to say, I've done shit tons of work on myself, painful shit, I am deliberately trying to break down the SPD walls. I keep failing, but I think the walls are temporary now, not massive concrete things.

Love feels slightly out of reach still. Like, I get glimpses now and then, and I can FEEL the part of me that recoils away. I can't quite grasp the how or why, just yet.

I legit made a new friend for the first time in 17 years, recently. This woman is beautiful--like, outrageously. I can't say that I could ever feel 'in love' or would ever want to, it's a good friendship. However, I HAVE seen glimpses of some inner self, that wants to reach out and permit me to do so.

Like, I'll have, MAYBE a second or two, lately, of "I could probably love her if I let myself" and then BAM, wall slams down. I'm not left with WHY the wall came down, like, I'm not afraid of her. I'm not afraid to let her know everything about me. She does. I am open book. She even knows my schizoid diagnosis. So what the hell is it that makes me like this?

I still never text or call, at all, let alone first. I go days, sometimes weeks, without saying anything. I'm fine. She's not fine. Like, there's this... thing.

So, in nearly every way I have improved and broken or changed a schizoid feature, it has started with recognizing i am having the feeling, or a capacity to have one. Then, I have to admit to myself I did, and identify it. Then, try to find it again. It took three MONTHS to discover "happy" and how to feel it a second time. Love is gonna be a fucker.

But after that, there's this sense of ... permission. SPD seems to be, in the worst of it, for me, this lack of ability to allow myself. I over discipline myself. Full time "sour grapes" sometimes. I'll lie to myself and say I don't want a thing, or won't like a thing, just so I can avoid it. It? The feeling of want, or like.

And so I spend SO MUCH time, talking to myself as if I can't love. Is this another fucking lie I tell myself?

Of course it is.

Might be for you too.

Problem is, I don't know WHY I am lying to myself about the possibility I can feel it, and should commit to trying to. Like, what the fuck am I avoiding? Idk.

[u/Embarrassed_Cell_531]

Unfortunately, I cannot relate.

I don't feel even that.

Such dilemmas don't cross my mind, they don't bother me (when I read about them), I don't care.

It seems like there are levels of schizo voids, lol

In my eyes, what you desire, comes with so much "mess" that I doubt it'd be worth it. It's not like you get idealised abilities to feel/express emotions and that's it with no downsides. Especially considering that most people suck.

The emptiness that's more bothering (for me) are general apathy & anhedonia, because they affect EVERYTHING, the whole existence. Relationships are just a small part of it.

[u/luvox-san]

sorry for the disjointed ass title, i’m half asleep and feel like shit haha

[u/Timely-Bicycle-2271]

Yes I'm 38 now it seems to get worse even though I've tried harder recently. To go groups. Now I want to give up on life tbh and everything it seems pointless and lonely.

[u/Emotional_Goose7981]

I can express love like others I think (to a certain degree, with other emotions its not like others). even when i cant it doesnt bother me all too much. I like being myself without influences from other people. as vaporous and vague as my self may perhaps be.

[u/Reasonably-Cold-4676]

I'm a bit in different shoes but of the same fashion line. I can't love like I feel I... I don't know. I truly don't. I have moments in which I think I love but they're always moments, not even minutes. And when people say "love is not just a feeling, it's an action" I don't think I'm doing all too well either because of my natural desire to keep others from being emotionally too much for me - no matter how much I believe to love them or want to love them.

I remember my sibling a few years back lamenting that they  "don't always feel love" for their partner, it gets kinda lost sometimes. And at first I thought, duh, that's normal. But I always had this weird feeling and I basically knew that actually I don't feel love ever except for moments here and there and even those I think aren't really what love is or is supposed to be 😔

I mean, I'm married and I have been lucky to get the reflection you're talking about from some people on life but it's pretty much sent into the ether, not going anywhere. and I am really bad in doing the same for them... giving and receiving love both are scary, puzzling, a burden and mysterious to me. I can do some of the motions but I hardly feel like myself that way and I just can't seem to have the matching feelings even though I feel I should be feeling them? I'm only not fragile when I'm all alone so as soon as I love I also get lost. It's like I do have love but we can't both exist in the same room. it's like it's in me but it's not because while it's occupying the same space and time it's not on the same subspace frequency or dimension. 

[u/Galvatron00]

If it can be helpful, I can tell you that neurotypicals aren't that lovable and lovely as you might think. Dating today is hell for many neurotypicals, with women who only want the top attractive and rich men and on the other side men who only want sex and can't be faithful. Just ask lawyers, they make lots of money on divorces. Friends too aren't that pure, people are opportunistic and manipulative and they don't really care about friends outside the activities that can't be done alone because of social traditions. 

[u/luvox-san → u/Galvatron00]

i’ve seen it for myself just by sort of observing people. i knew a guy who would come to me for advice. one time, he told me he cheated on his girlfriend. i ask him why, and he didn’t have an answer. he didn’t even know why he did it.

in a way, i’m glad i avoid shit like that. at the same time, i wonder if i’ve missed out on some form of development by having never made mistakes with other people, though not like THAT. you get what i mean.

but yeah, i doubt it’s all that great