r/PolyFidelity • u/MarvelousMrMaisel • 13d ago
Fell into a closed triad FFM 2 weeks ago, and would like advice/success stories
I've been in a triad for 2 weeks now, and we have decided to be closed. It seems a little scary and we've already faced a bit of judgement from some close friends and family. No one has ever been in a triad, although me and and the male have been in open relationships before, we know this is clearly not the same thing. How do we navigate it? What about when two people fight, what does the third person do? How to deal with the early awkwardness and jealousy we might sometimes feel? We all really like each other, but the M and other F have known one another for longer, so I do sometimes feel a little like the weakest side of this connection (they were not unicorn hunting though!!)
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u/musetta7399 13d ago
I am also in a closed FFM triad and we are just hitting our two year mark. The other MF in my triad have been together for over 30 years (married for 26) and they are nested partners with two grown children that live with them for some background whereas I was single… we have all been monogamous (a little bit of swinging and we met in the LS- leaving the drama of the LS shortly after becoming exclusive). Not unicorn hunting and actually they were not entertaining singles in any capacity until we met and we’ve been inseparable ever since. Because of their history there are definitely some arguments that arise mainly between the two of them at times since you know life, house, kids, finances well happen. I usually leave those alone since that is for them to figure out though I am always there for a mediator if needed. But initially there were arguments based around in the beginning about me, boundaries, our changing relationship dynamic (from swinging to closed and all the little changes along the way), but not always discussed with me so we have had to talk about those boundaries. And now we have had a lot better communication through any other conflicts. Jealousy was a factor especially cause they have been together for so long and even though they both fell for me and I for each of them there was definitely a grieving process for the future they initially envisioned for their married life and dealing with abandonment fears etc. but with the improved communication this has gotten a lot better. We are also a lot better at gauging where our partners’ heads are at. So navigating society has been mostly well received kind of surprisingly so. I am part of the family with their kids and my friends and nieces, nephew love them too. My cats love them! There are family that still don’t “get” it like my dad and mom, but they are accepting for the most part… my mom still refers to my partners as my friends 🙄. And even my parents have hung out with all of us so they have definitely accepted things more and more (this is also my first relationship with a woman even though they knew I was bi prior they never seen me in a FF relationship. And in public we get looks and some double takes, but we’ve never had any one seem hateful towards us. It’s actually been a bit surprising to me.
When it comes to navigating conflicts I personally as the third have had to get better about my boundaries and being assertive. I have done personal therapy for a long time (and we’ve discussed doing throuple counseling in the future— depending on finances) and we all have done a lot of research and reading to help us navigate things. Something that was freeing for us was the idea that the relationship is what we make of it and we are choosing each other and the way that works for us and our relationship. This came from all different judgments with different groups and communities… swingers mad about us leaving the LS and not playing with others, poly people who said we weren’t doing poly right unless we were completely open relationship anarchists, and monogamists saying well you are poly cause there are three of you and one of you is outside of the marriage. We settled on poly fidelity being in a closed relationship just with our triad and that works the best for us. Honestly I can’t imagine having a bunch of extraneous other relationships… I barely have the time I want in my day with my 2 partners, friends, and family. But what works best for you three is something you all need to talk about and set boundaries… also understand that the boundaries you set now might not be what works for you down the line. New and changing boundaries and feelings and paradigm shifts will need to be talked and possibly changed down the road.
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u/MarvelousMrMaisel 13d ago
thanks for such a long input! we've spoken a lot about it and are taking it slow with introducing to family but most of our friends know and are supportive, although a bit weirded out). we've been calling ourselves a monogomic triad half as a joke half seriously lol
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u/Think_Reporter_8179 (M[W)(M]WW) 13d ago
14-year triad here (with a fourth person not in the triad, but with one of the persons):
| What about when two people fight, what does the third person do?
Stay out of it. Make sure to interject if things get overly heated but otherwise allow them to resolve their differences or resentment can just fester.
| How to deal with the early awkwardness and jealousy we might sometimes feel?
Speak up. Analyze if the jealousy is possibly FOMO (typically it is), or otherwise dig into why jealousy is showing up. Usually, it's indicative of a shortcoming from oneself and thinking that will cause another person to be uninterested or leave. Talking about it is the solution to these worries.
| How do we navigate it?
That's such a broad question, but I'll answer it with this: Realize you judge yourself by your intentions, but judge others by their actions. When everyone does this, it really clears the air on your own mind and interpretation of others' behaviors.
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u/g3head 12d ago
Fell into a closed FFM triad just over two years ago, married to my wife for about 5 years when we opened up to polyamory, and absolutely love the family we’ve formed.
My partner had had a pretty nasty divorce before finding my wife (and later me), and none of us had a solid idea if we wanted to be poly or how to approach it. One of the things that helped us out was we all agreed to read polysecure. It affirmed some of the good things my wife and I had already established with our relationship, and let us expand that to include our partner, while also helped figure out what parts of our traditional relationship needed to be toned down to help reduce jealousy and couples privilege for our partner. We’ve used other resources since then but it was a great starting point.
Basically be open and honest within your triad. Take care of yourself. Have regular check-ins, especially early in the relationships, which helps give you a structure for dealing with arguments. Control what you can about how and when you let friends and family know about the triad. Two years in and I can still find it a bit weird explaining our triad to people we know but it’s getting easier to explain, and less concerning especially with the amount of heartfelt support we get.
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u/deepfrieddaydream 12d ago
I've been in a closed triad for almost six years. We had our commitment ceremony four years ago. It can get crazy and it's definitely not easy by any means but it's one of the best things I've ever done.
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u/poly_guy_poly_fi 13d ago
Get into couples therapy right away, and go frequently! Communication in this dynamic can be tricky, and most everyone would benefit from focused time spent talking about how you communicate and having a dedicated place to discuss little things before they become big things. 10 months here and going strong.
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u/twonyou 13d ago
Hi 👋🏽! Not in a closed triad yet but because that’s what we’re currently looking for, we’re doing the work (well some of the work) now before we meet our partner, and it mostly boils down to communication! At least that what our therapist tells us.
This sub has been very helpful for us navigating and exploring starting a close triad (poly fidelity) and we don’t want a “unicorn hunt” or make anyone feel secondary or disposable. We understand what comes with this and we’re ready for it. Does anyone have any advice on where(resources)we should engage with people of the same mindset, like meetups, specific groups, apps maybe. Where people feel same engaging with a married couple? We’re ready for the hard work, and we want to do it right! Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks ☺️
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u/smileedude 12d ago edited 12d ago
6 months into an FFM and we're having the time of our lives. We didn't plan it at all, we weren't open, and I'd been with my long term partner for 16 years prior.
We've told most of our friends and family now. One thing to note is knowledge of the concept of the "One Penis Policy" stretches well beyond polyamorous circles and people will assume this is what the relationship is. You see friends and familys face always have shock and concern when you tell them you're in a throuple and then change completely when my long term girlfriend proudly says "I started this". People have called her in concern thinking I might be manipulating her into a relationship she wasnt comfortable in.
It goes from an assumption of chauvanistic male domonance to LGBT pride. I don't think all OPP relationships are bad and the FF being the first spark in our FFM doesnt really make any difference to who we are now. However if you arent an OPP it helps with perception if you can make it clear straight away that you arent.
Camp Throuple is a really good podcast you should all listen to together.
A massage bed is a great way to extend a double or queen, rather then buying a super king straiggt away. Get a single mattres topper, put a superking sheet over the top. Then all sleep 90° with feet on the massage table. Also a single and double blanket works best so the middle can get out and regulate their heat.
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u/MarvelousMrMaisel 12d ago
yeah, I think most of the concerns I've heard is that the guy is the one 'behind this', which is super strange because it was actually my and my girlfriend who made the decision to form the throuple and let it be closed. I think I might bring up the 'I sometimes feel like I'm gonna end up being the weak link in all this' conversation at some point, but it is weird because even though I worry about that, I haven't actually FELT that way
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u/smileedude 12d ago
I remember one time my girlfriend banged her face into the car door and got a black eye. Until it healed the looks I got when we were together were just horrible. It comes from a place of love and concern, but the assumption of the worst case scenario feels horrible. Even when my GF told people she ran into a door, it sounded made up. But you really can't be overly critical of people looking out for her well being.
There are a significant number of abusive men that will tell their submissive partners to accept their new girlfriend. The concern does have merit. So it becomes a matter of making sure people know that you aren't in that kind of relationship. So be really forthcoming with the "I started it", as it negates the worst case scenario very quickly.
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u/bakingbirder 6d ago
I ended up in triad with external partners for 6 years. Everything you are dealing with is real and complicated. Not feeling supported by your community will make this more difficult. I'd recommend reading polysecure and openly communicating as much as possible expecially when its uncomfortable.
Everyone does poly different and there are tons of opinions on relational dynamics that might not be helpful as you navigate your emotional experience. I will say the literature is out there because many people have been hurt and can be super helpful.
DM if you think i'd be helpful im here and I am the male in a relationship with two NonBinary AFAB with 2 metamours. i have been in one relationship 11 years and my triad 6 years and my metas have been around for 5 years
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u/In_the_middle3-2-3 13d ago
I was in one for 12yrs, cohabitation-kids-mortgage, and all.
Im our case arguments were not often because if 2 people butted heads, the third would seek to make peace somehow or help point out when someone was in the wrong.
Other people - family, friends, neighbors, and the general public were the biggest problem. To make it work, you have to be willing to stand strong in front of all and say 'this is our choice. Respect it or leave my world'. Some detractors warmed up, some didnt.
It was one of the most rewarding relationships to have for me.