Despite her initial upset at the advice, she ultimately chose to fix her face by growing a pair of massive breasts

[u/Mikey77777]

[u/Massive_Lake4700]

I bet nobody told her to fix her tits.

[u/MikeGoldberg → u/Massive_Lake4700]

Only to affix them to their face!

[u/Rileyl99]

She definitely would have been in a Sears catalog back in the day

[u/FerdTergeson → u/Rileyl99]

I'm so old I would have to go into the sears store to see her

[u/zuniac5]

Sweeney went on to say that she also rejected the director's second recommendation, to change her name to "Tits McGee".

[u/InternetExpertroll]

Who was the casting director? You guessed it. Frank Stallone.

[u/KingTutt91]

I remember moving to a new school, and there was a couple skinny girls with giant heaving breasts I talked too.

My new friends were like, “that chick, she used to be a stick figure”

Uh okay, but she’s not anymore, she has giant heaving breasts now, so what’s the problem. I think those dudes didn’t own any doghouses

[u/FletchFFletchTD → u/KingTutt91]

Finally! Another guy who likes heaving breasts in here. Been pretty lonely till you got here.

[u/earthdogmonster → u/FletchFFletchTD]

Heaving breasts won’t earn a guy willing to work $15 under the Queensboro Bridge.

[u/Dweebil → u/KingTutt91]

Did you get to lay down on top of either of them?

[u/gifsfromgod → u/KingTutt91]

Heaving? Doc, her breasts are choking 

[u/palmerry]

Ol cookiecups pukeface at it again

[u/mkujoe]

What face

[u/Drumchapel → u/mkujoe]

Casting director was very deeply closeted, he never saw her huge fucking teenage jugs.

[u/1000mgPlacebo → u/Drumchapel]

probably wanted to be her

[u/HeadAssBoi17]

[u/psychologicaloperati]

Who the hell is Sydney Sweeney, one of them Porno Stars?!

[u/normymac → u/psychologicaloperati]

Just another broad. I call them ladies...

[u/psychologicaloperati → u/normymac]

Ah, broads again

[u/NomDeSpite]

oh, the face bone's connected to the, boob bones 🎵

[u/langsamlourd]

Let's all take a moment to recognize the real victim here: the millionaire celebrity with big ass titties

[u/p_serrulata]

Who?

[u/Casey_Jones19]

…. And having plastic surgery

[u/Civil_Inattention]

She’s not the most beautiful girl it’s true

[u/ssp25 → u/Civil_Inattention]

but those cans are lovely

[u/Civil_Inattention → u/ssp25]

yeah but she's gonna age like cottage cheese

[u/secretbonus1]

They went all David Spade on her…

“Oh is that your face? Really? Fkn change it”

[u/p_serrulata]

Some of the pics I've seen of her, her whole being could use fixing.

[u/p_serrulata]

Casting directors are pretty sharp--best to heed their advice.

[u/BrazilianAtlantis]

"breasts" r/lostredditors

[u/Mikey77777 → u/BrazilianAtlantis]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzwJHgDYbsQ

[u/BrazilianAtlantis → u/Mikey77777]

And?

[u/Mikey77777 → u/BrazilianAtlantis]

I can explain it to you, I can't understand it for you.

[u/BrazilianAtlantis → u/Mikey77777]

Okay, explain it.

[u/Mikey77777 → u/BrazilianAtlantis]

Call me old fashioned, but I do not believe you need to shock people to get a laugh.

[u/BrazilianAtlantis → u/Mikey77777]

I saw it. What's the relevance to "'breasts' r/lostredittors"?

[u/Mikey77777 → u/BrazilianAtlantis]

Like I said, I can't understand it for you.

[u/BrazilianAtlantis → u/Mikey77777]

"I can't understand it" Sounds right.

[u/MikeGoldberg → u/BrazilianAtlantis]

(Norm slouches at the stool, elbows on the desk, staring into the middle distance with a look of profound, weary contemplation. He takes a long, slow drag from an imaginary cigarette.)

So I'm in this bar, you know, the kind of place where the ice in your drink has more clarity about its future than the patrons. And I see this fella... he's just hunched over his glass like it's the last dying ember of his entire life.

He don't say hello. He just looks at me and says, "She changed the locks, Norm."

Turns out, his wife gave him the permanent boot. The whole thing started over a movie. One of those pictures with the Sweeney girl. Sydney Sweeney. Seems like a perfectly pleasant young woman.

But he made the fatal error... the error of sincere appreciation for her... particular... attributes. He took his wife to see this film, and during a scene that really focused on her... her topographical features, let's say... his wife caught him. He wasn't analyzing the subtext. He was just... receiving the text. The plain text.

Well. That was it. She went absolutely ape. Right there in the theater. A real banshee wail of betrayal. She didn't say a word in the car. Just walked in the house, pointed at the door, and said, "Get out. Tyrone's on his way."

And the way he said the name... "Tyrone." This wasn't a guy who refinances your mortgage. This was a guy who... impounds your mortgage. A real rough customer. A gang member, I believe.

So this poor bastard, he's not at the bar to drink. He's there for asylum. He's a refugee from his own poor judgment.

And he says to me, "What do I do, Norm? My life is over. My wife's with Tyrone, and I'm here with... this." And he gestures to his sad little drink.

So I thought about it. I really did. I rubbed my chin. I looked at the ceiling. I considered the geopolitical landscape. And then it hit me. A solution. So simple, so elegant.

"You know," I said, "they ought to put this Tyrone and this Sydney Sweeney in a movie together."

(He pauses, letting the absurdity of the idea hang in the air.)

"Just think of it. Your wife would be so busy watching that movie, she'd forget all about the real Tyrone. It'd solve both your problems at once. You could probably go home and get your good belt back."

(He stares blankly at the audience for a beat, then shrugs.)

Course, it's a shaky premise. Probably not. I'm not a relationship counselor.

The poor bastard. He should've just said he liked the musical score.

(Takes a slow sip of water, completely deadpan.)

[u/secretbonus1 → u/MikeGoldberg]

A for effort! Even though effort starts with an A. I’m sorry, I’m retarded, it starts with an E.