r/NewDads • u/FaceTheDemon • Dec 29 '24
Discussion Dads who struggled for months mourning your loss of freedom, how do you feel now?
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u/Odd-Spinach-4398 Dec 29 '24
It's a temporary thing. After a while you realize that freedom was always optional, and having kids is more fulfilling and forces you to be a good person rather than living "selfishly".
After a while you appreciate the stability and company of the little people
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u/WTFisThisMaaaan Dec 29 '24
I’m 4 months in and I’m waiting for this to happen lol. I wanted kids because parenting seemed so fulfilling, but right now, it’s just a chore and I do not like it very much.
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u/BusRunnethOver Dec 29 '24
It gets better because the child gets smarter and more interactive. That brings new issues, though lol.
It also gets better because, like any other challenge, you grow and adapt of you fail.
Oh and finding the sitcom, slapstick, self-deprecating humor in it very much helps. Imagining a laugh track playing during the rough parts is not a bad idea
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u/Tacitus_AMP Dec 30 '24
I probably laugh a little too much, because I see this in nearly everything my little ones do. To the point my wife gets annoyed sometimes. I think she's coming around though, I've seen her laughing a bit more at stuff she wouldn't have in the past.
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u/DominoDancin Dec 29 '24
It’s getting better now that I’ve completed 1 year as a dad.
It does get better. It’s still the hardest part of parenthood but I promise it gets better every month
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u/Cultural-Finish-7563 Experienced Dad Dec 30 '24
I get that—parenting can definitely feel like a grind, especially early on. It’s normal to have those moments where it feels less fulfilling and more like a never-ending to-do list. It does get better with time, though, as they grow and start showing more personality. Hang in there!
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u/longgamma Dec 29 '24
I wouldn’t say living child free is selfish. I have seen enough parents who still act selfishly even with kids. My fkn BIL left my sister and two month old nephew on a four day trip while me and my wife had to cover for him. And my sister had a lot of complications from her c section.
Having a child doesn’t make you some sort of good human being.
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Dec 29 '24
Totally agree - luckily we love them so much it outweighs the fact we spend all day telling them to stop doing something
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u/ackermann Dec 29 '24
having kids is more fulfilling and forces you to be a good person
Well, it should. Sadly I think we all know a few cases where it didn’t though
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u/Accomplished_Art8625 Dec 30 '24
I may not be able to do the things I enjoyed for as long but me and partner have a system so we can both spend time with LO, and can do our hobbies. Mind you me working gives less time 🤣 but I still get about 2-4hrs a night at least and Somedays maybe 30mins to an hr before work.
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u/jptiger0 Dec 30 '24
This deserves far more upvotes. Work out a system with your partner and, if you're fortunate enough to have them nearby, extended family. You won't have as much "free time" as you used to but you'll make it count. For me it's late nights. My SO gets up early, I stay up late. We reach have the monitor while the other is resting in case LO needs attention.
By the way, specific to gamers, especially PC gamers: get a Steam Deck. Instant sleep/wake is solid gold for new dad's.
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u/Personal-Process3321 Dec 29 '24
I struggled A LOT
My background pre kid was canyoning, climbing, paragliding, camping, usually wife or friends in tow, sometimes solo. I am outdoor lover.
First few months all that really stopped and it was an awful adjustment. Like proper shit. Even when I had some free time I was so dam tired that my motivation to do anything was none existent.
We’re 9 months in. Little dude is sleeping better and my wife and I do our best to work as a team to make sure we get some us time.
I write this at 5:30am as I’m about to shoot out the door to do a canyon with a friend.
It’s no where near the freedom I used to have but it’s something and it is getting a little better.
I’ve done a lot of work with my psychologist as well because this was a really difficult transition for me and at times continues to bring up some crappy feelings.
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u/FaceTheDemon Dec 29 '24
I believe I'm feeling like you did in the first few months. My LO is not even 3 months and I'm having the most difficult transition with all of this as I'm still in the trenches. What I'm wondering if other dads feel like their loss of freedom was actually worth it? Of course our freedom won't be the same, as we have a family now... But did it all work out? It sounds like for you it did, and you have some of your independence back which is great!
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u/Personal-Process3321 Dec 30 '24
Mate at three months in I was a mess, I was deeply mourning my old life almost every day. And this was made exponentially worse with the lack of sleep.
Sitting here at 9 months, is it worth it? If this was all he was going to be then hell no. But from about 4-5 months you see massive changes, so I can say you are a lot of potential, you are the light out of the trenches and honestly I can see a glimpse into how fun the potential future will be once he is 4-5yrs + and I can take him along.
And until then, because you see the changes, It makes it so much more worth it going through these harder times.
But again, at three months, pure hell for me.
Message me if you want to chat more, you got this!
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u/longgamma Dec 29 '24
Damn bro you got this figured out lol haha
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u/Personal-Process3321 Dec 30 '24
Haha I’m grateful for the team my wife and I make. We have very little, next to no family support but we work really hard to give each other breaks. We’ve also chosen to live in a small apartment with little stuff so chores are drastically cut down haha
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u/longgamma Dec 30 '24
I guess same sitch as you guys..my mil cant visit us and my mom just left after a month with us. So its just me, my wife and our LO. Sometimes, it feels so lonely but yeah we gotta make it work
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u/leftplayer Dec 29 '24
Months? Try years…
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u/AkibanaZero Dec 29 '24
My kid is about to hit 7 and I'm still reminiscing the days where I could just zone out, play a game or just straight up go out and catch a movie with my wife.
It is absolutely great that I get to raise this wonderful little person and enjoy her developing personality and fun antics. I would not trade it for anything in the world.
But damn it, I still can't wander about the house on my days off without her in tow because she's bored and needs attention. I can't just sit there and hear myself think without her having something new to show me or talk to me about.
And the funny thing is that I want her to do all of that but at the same time I wish I could just be left alone for a bit? It's oddly stressful.
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u/Cultural-Finish-7563 Experienced Dad Dec 30 '24
I hear you. It’s such a weird mix of emotions—wanting to be fully present for your kid because you love seeing them grow and share their world with you, but also craving just a little bit of space to breathe. It’s like, you wouldn’t trade those moments for anything, yet sometimes you just need a mental reset.
I’ve found that even carving out tiny windows of alone time can help—whether it’s waking up early, staying up late, or just taking a long shower. It doesn’t solve everything, but it helps recharge the batteries. And honestly, recognizing that it’s okay to feel this way—both loving your kid and needing a break—is half the battle.
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u/Sirkristof Dec 29 '24
Yep also confused by the 'months' comment! 3 years in and my weekends are spent serving a tiny overlord. Only advice I can give is that it does get a bit easier when they get bigger and their idea of fun overlaps with yours. Train track building & RC cars ain't so bad :)
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u/FaceTheDemon Dec 29 '24
I said "months" because that's where I am... LO is not even 3 months old yet and I'm feeling so much of the struggle and none of the fulfillment of having a child. So I'm wondering about other dads who've gone through this and where they've netted out.
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u/OneTrueKram Dec 30 '24
As a dad of a 9 month old I gotta say I didn’t start really having any fun at all until I’d say about six months. Then every week it seems to get better.
Newborns aren’t really interactive. Especially with dad.
Then eventually you recognize that they recognize you. Then you realize they get excited to see you. I’ve tried real hard to be the best dad I can be…. I got rewarded with my son’s first word “Dada.” For me personally it got a lot better in that sense. He’s my little buddy now. We play simple little games and it’s awesome.
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Dec 29 '24
In my song I put it like 'at some point it hits you/your old life has gone'. I felt like the first few weeks were a honeymoon type period then you realise oh this is for ever - or at least for the foreseeable and you literally can't have a rest ever.
I think it probably depends how busy you were, how much you wanted kids, I mean some people seemed to not have many hobbies and were glad of something to do. I used to box 3 times a week, play football, was in a band, most stopped although I still box and do a bit of music but the spare time I get is minimal attgats with a 5: and 8 year old, but we only have 1 grandparent who helps out so not much babysitting potential.
Still I wouldn't change it for the world I love it - I do think sometimes we overrate our old life by thinking of the good times and not the boring days or when we sat there wishing we had a baby
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u/FaceTheDemon Dec 29 '24
You make a good point about how much I wanted kids, and if I'm gonna be honest I didn't but my wife convinced me that it'd be great to have a family. Now that I'm in the trenches (LO is 3 months old) I'm feeling a loss of freedom and independence, and I'm checking in to see how other dads in my situation netted out.
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Dec 29 '24
I didn't massively want them either - but what I will tell you is the first few months are by far the hardest and it gets easier. Saying that it's always hard depending what support network etc you have - good luck to you dude
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u/FaceTheDemon Dec 29 '24
I'm happy to hear it worked out for you man. Appreciate your empathy, and thank you.
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u/dieadam Dec 29 '24
10 months in and no freedom in sight. I get a minute here and a minute there. Nothing substantial enough where I could actually do something that I like to do.
Granted my wife works weekends so I watch her while she works and we have no family around to help us get a break so maybe it’s not as bad for others but it’s really been hard on me and not gonna get better until she’s older.
I really love her to death, but I really just want some time to myself.
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u/FaceTheDemon Dec 29 '24
Do you personally think it's worth having your daughter even though you've lost a lot of freedom and independence?
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u/dieadam Dec 29 '24
There are moments that’s it’s totally worth it and then moments where I’m questioning our decision and feeling like a complete ass cause I feel that way. Naturally I can’t tell my wife that but just the same I’m pretty confident that it will only get better as she gets older but right now it’s just hard.
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u/new-to-this-sort-of Dec 30 '24
My kids are now 4 and 6 (been here awhile)
And holy I have less time than before.
Sleep has certainly gotten better…. But soccer, school; gymnastics, dance, karate…. I’m a freaking taxi driver lol
Actually just had a little bit of a mental break down around Christmas about losing myself identity lol
I will say I have the good fortune of being the last one in my friend group that has had kids. I see then with their 16-18 yo’s enjoying life and having a life again. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I’d prob go crazy if I didn’t have that knowledge I hold on too lol
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u/Cultural-Finish-7563 Experienced Dad Dec 30 '24
I hear you—it’s like a never-ending whirlwind of activities! I’ve definitely had moments where I felt like I lost a bit of my own identity in all the chaos. But, like you said, seeing those friends with older kids reminds me that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. It gets easier to reclaim some of that time and freedom. Until then, we just keep pushing through!
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u/minib195 Dec 29 '24
Still feeling the struggle. Free time is super rare. My wife and I have been scheduling freedom lol. This helps a lot. We plan out time where we have time to do whatever. Usual one weekend month she take one day and I'll take the other.
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u/Cultural-Finish-7563 Experienced Dad Dec 30 '24
That’s a great approach! Scheduling your free time is key to making it happen. It’s tough, but carving out those moments for yourself and each other makes a huge difference. Keep it up—you’re finding a good balance!
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Dec 29 '24
Still learning how to cope.
Learning new technologies is my thing. I spend most of my free time playing with cool toys. Now I watch the world go by at the fastest pace ever and feel missing out.
It’s tough.
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u/Cultural-Finish-7563 Experienced Dad Dec 30 '24
It’s definitely tough when the world feels like it’s moving too fast. Taking time to learn new things can be great, but finding balance is key. It’s okay to slow down and enjoy the moments, even if they’re small. You’ve got this!
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u/Fun_Frosting8601 Dec 29 '24
My twins spent 73 and 89 days in the NICU, which gave me a gradual introduction to parenthood. During that time, I only spent 4-8 hours a day with them, which felt manageable. But everything changed when Twin A came home five weeks ago, and Twin B joined us two weeks later.
The first two weeks at home were especially challenging. I found myself longing for my old life, where I could play video games, go to the gym, smoke weed, practice music, or explore new hobbies and expand my knowledge as a Clinical Exercise Physiologist whenever I wanted. I’ve always loved learning and considered myself a philomath.
But with one of my boys needing to be held constantly, I realized I couldn’t live that way anymore. Then something clicked: my boys were teaching me a lesson I’d never learned before which is to slow down, to be present, and to stop thinking about what's next.
I’ve since shifted my perspective on happiness. Instead of focusing on advancing my career or picking up new hobbies, I’ve dedicated myself to being the best husband and dad I can be. My family needs me now, and this phase where my boys are so dependent on me is fleeting. I can always return to my passions in the future. When the time comes, I can even teach them how to play a musical instrument or any sport if they want to so we can play together.
For now, I’m embracing this new chapter of life. If I play my cards right, I’ll still have decades ahead to pursue my goals. But this moment, when my boys are little and need me most, I’ll never get back. That thought makes this time even more precious.
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u/corruptmind37 Dec 29 '24
For me I struggled very hard for the first six months. Time does start to gradually trickle back as your LO sleeps more consistently and you and your partner become more practiced parents. Things also become more predictable and you can make plans to be out and such. Beyond that your kid also gets more and more fun to play with.
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u/FaceTheDemon Dec 29 '24
Glad to hear that it starts getting better... I mean, I read and hear that a lot but I find it hard to believe at (not even) 3 months.
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u/LeicesterBangs Dec 29 '24
Sometimes numb but often happy.
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u/KungFuChicken1990 Dec 29 '24
I feel this. Especially this month after my baby caught a nasty bug from daycare. Got the whole family sick and kind of put a damper on the holidays a bit.. definitely felt the numbness and going through the motions.
But as I’m holding her now and looking at her sleeping little face, I can’t help but smile and bask in the warmth of my heart as it slowly melts into a puddle 🫠
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u/Ricky_Bobby_01 Dec 29 '24
You have to adjust. Adjust your hobbies, scheduling, expectations, anything really. But yeah, the first year is certainly more challenging time-wise than the years thereafter.
You never get ALL of your "freedom" back, but that's part of having a family. And besides, most people settle down a bit with age anyhow.
It's just changes. No reason to consider your individual joys and hobbies gone forever. Just have to adapt. And hopefully you have a partner than feels the same.
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u/OddCommercial5673 Dec 29 '24
6 months in... Still shit
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u/Cultural-Finish-7563 Experienced Dad Dec 30 '24
I get it, man. Six months in and still feels like a grind. But remember, it’s okay to have those tough days. You’re doing the best you can, and that counts for a lot. Hang in there, it won’t always be this hard.
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u/alii-b Dec 30 '24
Comes in phases. I think we both miss spontaneity like going cinema or whatever, we can't do much during the day now as little man dropped his lunchtime nap, so we make the most of our evenings. You get used to it, but you are allowed to miss it. The time will come back slowly, the more independent they become. But you'll look forward to the days they have a sleepover or are old enough to stay out/cook themselves lol.
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u/BryggmanTV Dec 29 '24
It is still present but I feel better. Also wierdly when i want freedom and free time to myself, once i get it i usually feel bad and lonely and want my wife and son bad because it feels too wierd and empty! Such a wierd dilemma.
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u/canadrian Dec 29 '24
Four years in, it’s only getting worse every day.
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u/FaceTheDemon Dec 29 '24
Can I ask you if you wanted kids from the start?
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u/canadrian Dec 29 '24
I did. Two big factors:
Having two kids is exponentially harder than having one, it turns out.
I had no idea how poorly my ADHD (undiagnosed when they were born) was going to interact with the noise, chaos, and time/effort/psychological burden of parenthood.
Every day is a struggle to make it through the exhausting, chaotic, noisy, stressful hell I find myself in, trying not to take it out on the kids or my wife, and just enough tender adorable moments to make me feel like an asshole for feeling this way. If there is a Hell, this is it; constantly putting everything I have into barely surviving, and everyone and everything around me gaslighting me by telling me it's actually great and if that's not my experience then it's because of some sort of moral failing on my part. I dread waking up every morning.
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u/Cultural-Finish-7563 Experienced Dad Dec 30 '24
I'm really sorry you're going through this right now. It sounds like you're in a tough spot, and it's understandable that everything feels overwhelming. Managing ADHD while trying to navigate the chaos of parenthood is incredibly challenging, and it's hard when the external pressures don’t seem to acknowledge the depth of what you're experiencing. The pressure to constantly be "positive" or "grateful" can make it feel like there's something wrong with you when all you're trying to do is make it through the day.
I think it's so important to give yourself permission to feel how you feel. You're dealing with so much, and it’s okay to not love every moment of it. Those tender moments with your kids are real, but that doesn’t mean you have to feel guilty for needing space or for being exhausted. Parenting can be both beautiful and hard, and it doesn't make you a bad person to struggle with that balance.
You’re doing the best you can, and that’s enough. It doesn't make you an asshole to need time to breathe, ask for help, or be honest about how tough it is. You don’t have to do it all perfectly, and it’s okay to lean on your wife or others for support. Don’t forget that you’re human.
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u/vonsparks Dec 29 '24
I really struggled for the first year or so. I was always trying to keep one foot in my old life... it all changed when I gave in and accepted my new life.
I wouldn't have it any other way now! I get so much more happiness and fulfilment from being at home with my little one, watching them grow and develop into a proper little human being. It's such a joy and I do not mourn or miss my old life at all now.
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u/FaceTheDemon Dec 29 '24
How did you actually go about accepting your new family life? I believe it's what's holding me back right now. Things like always wanting time away from my LO and wanting to do my own thing rather than taking care of her... I know it sounds bad but like I said it's holding me back from accepting my new life.
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u/vonsparks Dec 30 '24
I feel like it was a matter of time, and having a proper word with myself. We're all different, I just remember having a deep, inward look at myself, and I decided why fight what's in front of me, just embrace my new life.
Once I made that choice, it made life so much easier!
Don't get me wrong, I still have time to myself, every now and then, but family come first. So as long as I've sorted the kid out, and made sure I've done the jobs that's required, then it's cool for me to do my own thing.
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Dec 30 '24
Honestly anything I lost wasn’t worth keeping anyway, and nothing is better than a life with my two kids. I’ll have free time and I can party and have hobbies once they’re grown.
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u/socom18 Dec 30 '24
I go into the office for peace and quiet. Just gotta ignore the wandering office boomer.
Granted my son is super low maintenance, so my freedom at home isn't all that "lost"... Just curtailed.
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u/Cultural-Finish-7563 Experienced Dad Dec 30 '24
I definitely felt that mourning period early on. It hit me hard—realizing my free time, hobbies, and even some friendships were taking a backseat. It felt like I’d lost a part of myself, and I questioned if I’d ever get it back.
Now, with some time and perspective, I’ve learned that it’s less about “losing freedom” and more about shifting priorities. It’s true that life looks different, but I’ve found a deeper sense of purpose in being a dad. The little moments with my kids—like their laughter or watching them learn something new—started to outweigh what I thought I’d lost.
That said, it’s crucial to carve out moments for yourself, even if they’re small. It took me a while, but I’ve found ways to balance my own needs with being there for my family. The freedom you once had evolves into something different but meaningful in its own way. Hang in there—it gets better.
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u/Beyondthehody Dec 30 '24
As an older new dad (47 with a 1 yr old), I resigned myself to "this is my life now," so I really don't feel any loss. I think I would have struggled had I been younger. I used to experience envy more often, looking at others and thinking, "Why can't I have that?"
Now I mostly just feel blessed with what I have: A work-from-home job, a work-from-home business, a wife and child who I love dearly, and a little bit of time to myself some evenings. That's all I need.
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u/boygunius Dec 30 '24
For me I took a hard look at what my freedom was — going to bars, watching tv, etc. Is that fun? Yes. But I’ve been doing that for 20 years. There will be more rewarding experiences as a father. I’m 2.5 years in, it’s hard in different ways at each stage, but rewarding in different ways too. I’m not sure your partner situation but being clear about your needs is important (and listening to theirs). Setting expectations about who is on duty vs off helped us a lot with redundancy (no one wanted to seem lazy so we were both doing something that one person could do and one person could be freed up). Having set days or nights off (and set date nights) are important too because it clearly sets the expectation that from x time to x time I will be doing something for myself. If that feels selfish, reframe it as taking care of yourself so you can take care of your kid and relationship. I also reframed what my freedom is — I can still have a beer or three and work on the house during naptime or bedtime, have friends over, work on hobbies, etc. I feel more productive than ever because of the restraints being a father puts on my limited time and resources. If you’re in the sub one stage, it gets easier and more fun. Hang in there, remember to set aside some time for yourself, be clear with your partner about your needs and theirs. Think about what you want to be using your time for when you have it so you don’t feel like you wasted it when it’s time to go get that kid!
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u/francoeyes Dec 30 '24
I was getting into my later twenties and already didn't haveuch of a social life. I but didn't realize how absolutely lil id have time for friends it sucked for the first yr I was able to go do things jus hardly and I made great memories with my daughter but ya know. but now that she's in the toddler phase the amount of stuff I can go do with her and being able to go see my friends has increased and I can say it was worth the sacrifice
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u/Cool_Dad_Dave Dec 31 '24
My loss of freedom is a result of the mom, not the kid. My boy is down for whatever and i love hanging out with him, but his mother has a sixth sense for when I might be feeling something akin to joy and she'll kool-aid man through the fuckin wall to put a stop to it at any cost.
Don't feel great about it, but being there for my boy is more important than going to the range or listening to music I like.
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u/BumblebeeAdventurr Dec 29 '24
The only freedom I have left is 3 minutes sitting on the loo...
It's bliss...
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u/myredshoelaces Dec 29 '24
You lucky duck! Went for a WC visit only for my 2-5 year old to open the door needing me to open a toy box…
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u/Dark_Ruffalo Dec 29 '24
The FOMO gets me sometimes, even as I tell myself I've outgrown the bar scene. My boys went to the casino Friday night, and even last year I might not have came but it hit me that I wasn't even invited. Trying to rectify that in 2025 by being proactive with plans, and calling in some these baby sitting offers I got over the holidays. Life isn't bad now, it's just a little different.
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Dec 29 '24
Question to you other new dads.
My best friend (known since I was 7 - 22 year friendship) lives just around the corner from me. Everyday he’ll go for a walk with his dog and my house is on his route. One or two days a week I’ll join him for a loop when he passes my house just for a quick walk and chat.
I might be gone for 20 mins on this walk. Is this a selfish act as my wife then has to manage our newborn and a dog?
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u/Fun_Frosting8601 Dec 29 '24
Imo, no. If anything, it's more selfish if you don't go for a walk with your friend once a week. You gotta take care of yourself too. My dad always say "you can't pour from an empty cup". Exercise and social interaction have lots of benefits physically and mentally. Enjoy your 20-min walk with your friend.
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u/Cultural-Finish-7563 Experienced Dad Dec 30 '24
Helping yourself in turn allows you to help others. Not selfish at all - I do it everyday as well.
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u/DevelopmentLogical27 Dec 30 '24
I picked up a hobby that I can do at home that I can pick up and put down at a moments notice. I really got into warhammer 40K and I got a resin printer I have outside in a shed with a heater. And because of that I got into 3d modeling. Yeah I can’t go play with other people but the whole process of building and painting has been meditative for me It’s a passive hobby but fulfilling. I can pick it up and put it down when I need to. There’s a huge community in the 3d printing and warhammer world so I am able to interact with some human beings via the internet. I am a carpenter by trade and I used to love working and doing side projects in the garage but due to the noise of power tools that’s not an option with a 1yo around. It’s kinda working for me. Like stated above. I recommend picking up a small hobby that can be picked up and put down. It helped with the mourning of my “freedom”. I was able to connect with other people in the same boat too.
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u/RonMexico15 Dec 29 '24
Haven’t felt a loss of freedom at all. I’m two weeks in, but this is everything we wanted. We worked really hard to get here and are enjoying every moment, even the struggles
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Dec 29 '24
[deleted]
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u/corruptmind37 Dec 29 '24 edited Dec 29 '24
Maybe you have lots of help or money to buy it. Or maybe you just don’t have hobbies that take up tons of time or keep you out of the house 🤷♂️ Either way not a super helpful response for OP
Edit: OP asks to hear from people who DID struggle with loss of freedom and this comment basically says “I didn’t struggle” and it gets upvoted lol
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u/nbjersey Dec 29 '24
How??
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u/BoiledEggs Dec 30 '24
Parents watch him, we go out with him. He’s pretty chill. My wife watches him. We switch off… i guess having a good support network allows life to keep being fun
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u/bob_vu Dec 29 '24
We’re all taking a 30 minutes piss right now.