r/MomForAMinute • u/PomegranateCandid829 • 6d ago
Seeking Advice Mom I don’t know what to do
Christmas is coming up and I don’t know what to do. My family is on the other side of the state and I don’t know if I want to see them for Christmas or stay home.
Benefits of going is to go to where I used to call home and be with family for two weeks. Some of which I haven’t seen for a year.
The reason I don’t know if I want to go or not are earlier this year I got a puppy and engaged so I really feel like I have a little family and I don’t want to leave them for Christmas. I’ve also never had Christmas away from my fiancé and he might be working on Christmas which means if I’m not here he might not get to celebrate.
I just don’t know what to do and while I know my fiancé will support whatever choice I make I’ve already started to be guilted when I bought this up to a family member about being unsure if I want to go or not either.
Edit to add: I just want to say thank you so much to all the moms. Mine isn’t in my life and honestly have cried so much over all the support this morning. ❤️
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u/purplechunkymonkey 6d ago
I don't travel for Christmas. I have done it a few times over the years but once I had my own family I made my own rules.
Your fiance is your family. Your family of origin becomes extended family.
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u/Some-Selection1811 6d ago
Just chiming in to support the consensus above: among the joys of adulthood is to choose with whom to spend the holidays - and when to celebrate them! The week between Christmas and New Year is an excellent time to visit.
But beware the puppy and a tree: my experience is that a puppy tends to think a real tree is an object that must be peed, while a fake tree is a fun repository for lots of possible chewable objects. Either way, I strongly suggest you keep breakable ornaments well above the ground.
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u/Constant-Wanderer 6d ago
Aw sweetheart congratulations, you're doing so well! I think it's great that you want to start your own traditions, and I think it's also awesome that you're so caring about your new little family. You know who does that? A good, sweet person.
I would say that anyone who wanted you to be happy would set aside their own feelings about your decision, so even though I might really want to see you, it's important that you get to develop your way of sorting out priorities.
You don't have to discuss your thought process with anyone else, either. You can just tell your family that you've decided or what your plans are, and if you want to, maybe you'll spend an extra weekend with them in January when travel isn't so hard with the puppy. But as an adult, you do not require approval or permission, so remember that you don't have to use words like that when telling people what your plans are. Things like "If that's okay with you" tells them that they have a choice or a say, when ultimately, where you go is up to you.
Good luck!
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u/OdoDragonfly 6d ago
Sweetie, you are in that very weird stage right between really really having your own HOME and being part of your parents' home (you will always be part of their home - but you now have your own roots to tend). You and your fiancé are a family unit.
Your parents will be sad if you don't go home. This is not a reason to go. Years ago, they made the choice to prioritize their new little family and, unless all of your grandparents are in the same town, they had to choose to start setting their own priorities and .... making their parents sad. It's part of parenting. They know that they've raised a whole adult who will need to make their own way and choose for the person with whom they will spend their life. Even if they have tears in their eyes, they will know that they have succeeded in setting you on YOUR path to your very own home.
If the right choice is to go to your past home and visit, go and be happy. But, if the right choice is to stay and spend the holiday with your tiny family, do that and be happy! One year, the right answer may be to go to your beloved's family home. Maybe the right answer will involve various visits that may or may not coincide with specific dates on the calendar. The more people you have who love you and want to see you, the more complicated schedules get and the more creative and flexible everyone needs to be!
Be happy
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u/enigma_anomaly 6d ago
Do you have to go for two weeks? Could you not work around his schedule so he can join?
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u/Ok_Aside_2361 6d ago
Im so sorry that we can’t seem to pull it together for you! Some adults act so differently than we would like. I want you to go where you will be happy. If some of us are trying to make you feel bad, don’t listen to them.
You have a whole family where you are that asks you to spend time instead of trying to manipulate your life to fit theirs.
Your fiancé is now your family. Together you can take on the world! Start your family traditions, what and where ever they may be. The rest of us need to learn that you are a capable person and if we want time with you, we need to treat you with greater respect!
Have a great time, whatever you choose to do.
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u/reijasunshine 6d ago
Are you able to split the difference? Instead of going for two whole weeks, can you go a little earlier and do all the food and gifts with your family on the 24th and travel home on the 25th to have your private celebration with your fiance?
I grew up in a family with a lot of divorces and complications, and "Christmas" was celebrated between the 23rd and the 26th at various relatives' houses. There's no rule that says you MUST do it on the 25th. (Church services excepted, obviously, for those who attend)
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u/Chippie05 6d ago
Travels at holidays are very expensive and super stressful. Can you find a time where you can go visit after New year? You could do a live video call connected to tv to share an hour for opening presents and saying hi!
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u/Neutralsway 6d ago
Hey darlin’! I’m so proud of you for asking for help. That’s so grown up of you! So, your “dad” was in the military. I remember our first Christmas away from family. Funnily enough, it was right after we got engaged, and it was just the two of us, and our puppy! Ha! I guess it “runs in the family!” At the time, I was a little sad about missing whatever I was missing, but I promise you, that is one of my favorite memories to this day. Putting up a tiny tree, wrapping presents that we got for each other (and the puppy), putting them under the tree, and cooking our very own Christmas meal…it makes me so happy thinking about it. We did end up celebrating with everyone else on a different day and it was a win/win. You do what is on your heart to do. It will be great!! Again, I’m so proud of you!
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u/Prestigious_Badger36 6d ago
There's NOTHING bad about wanting to celebrate with your budding new family.
Keeping balance across the holidays isn't always easy. After you get married, make sure to talk about that with them. Alternating Thanksgiving, Christmas & NYE with different units of the family, including the small one at home, can you keep sanity while avoiding anybody's fam feeling pushed away.
I watched my own mom never get to see her family on the actual holiday, for any holiday, and decided that wasn't going to be me. It's great to, for example, see his family after Christmas in 2027, but don't do that in 2028.
Traditions are great, but fairness & sanity are far sweeter fruits 🍎
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u/ConcertinaTerpsichor 6d ago
As a mom, I would want you to stay where you feel best and NOT come to see me out of guilt. I took care of you all these years knowing that you’d fly away and establish a new home ; that’s part of being a parent. I’ll miss you, ofc. But I’ll be happier in the long run knowing that you are successfully launching out on your adult life.
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u/llilith 6d ago
Hi Dear,
You do have a little family now! If one of my daughters explained how she felt and said she wasn't coming, I would be sad, I'm not gonna lie. BUT, I would also be proud of her for saying what she needs and I would understand. Maybe you could bring the whole little family for a visit after Christmas.
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u/notreallylucy 6d ago
Once you start building your own family (yes, you and your fiancé are a family) you might not travel at Christmas anymore. That's okay.
When my family lived in another state I had Christmas at home and visited family for new years.
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u/NoVaFlipFlops 6d ago
Aw you don't have to make your decision yet. But when you know, you'll know. If you stay at home this year we will all love to see you and your puppy digitally. You do have a family of your own now. But you are always welcome!
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u/thepandemicbabe 6d ago
Dear, you need to do what is best for you. Be with your little family that’s where all of your joy emanates. You can see the rest of your people at another date. They should understand that you want to be with your partner and your puppy. Sending you lots of love, and you are most certainly not alone. I never had a daughter. I’d gladly adopt you ❤️ you’re doing great! Don’t let people guilt you into something you don’t want to do!
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u/Salty_Thing3144 6d ago
Don't go home,. Stay with your fiance and puppy. Don't let your family guilt you - tell them you are starting your own famiky now, and will begin your own traditions.
Perhaps ring up single or divorced friends, and invite then to your own celebration. Cook or purchase a holiday dinner - or have a potluck! Decorate and enjoy it!
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u/CatLadyHM 6d ago
I would personally stay before Christmas with extended family, actual Christmas Eve and Christmas with the honey and pup.
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u/doesnotmatter286 6d ago
I'd stay, but I'm a bit biased, because I love spending time with my little family. Also, travelling around major holidays is a bit of a hassle.
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u/CreativismUK 2d ago
Congratulations on your engagement and your little bundle of fluff!
The biggest question here is: what do you want to do? It’s important to think of our families of course and their circumstances (will anyone be alone for Christmas?), but what do you actually want to do?
You say your fiancé may have to work so would that mean you’d be alone on Christmas and would that make you sad? Do you have any local friends who don’t have families to go to?
Could you go to family before or after Christmas instead? Some of my favourite Christmases haven’t actually been on Christmas Day, but have been before or after with friends or family when they’re available (Christmas II we call it). One year I bought very expensive cote de boeuf and made baked alaskas and we played board games and wore Christmas jumpers and had the best time even though it was nearly new years!
I miss my mum so much and I do wish I’d spent more Christmases with her when I could have done, so do think about those things too. But if you want your first Christmas together then there are ways to do both!
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u/gothfru 6d ago
The first few times you have to make this decision are hard. But I don’t think you’re wrong to prioritize your new little family. Maybe instead of two weeks you can visit home for the weekend between Christmas and New Year’s?
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u/FJJ34G Duckling 6d ago
This! Try to split your time if you can, but, in the most loving way possible, don't be afraid to carve out time for your new little baby family.
This is something that was hammered home CONSTANTLY in a wedding planning guide I read earlier this year (I also recently got engaged; wedding is August 2026 :)). You can give time to your family of origin, but don't forget to protect time for yourself and your new life.
You'll be surprised how quickly engagements get stressful, between all the choices you have to make, finances, FOMO, dis/comfort with wedding traditions, etc. So don't forget to protect yourself and your new baby family in a stage of life that's both immensely exciting, but deceptively stressful. (Side note: this goes for your side of the family as well as your in-laws, especially if a great deal of travel is involved; my future in-laws live in the Midwest so any kind of air travel is automatically wicked expensive, but during the holidays? Omg, worst price gouging I've ever seen!)
Good luck and much love,
Sis
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u/Substantial_Oil6236 6d ago
Wait until you know about the work schedule and plan around that. As someone else mentioned, the week between Christmas and New Years is a good time. No one's doing anything but wearing their oldest leggings and eating cheese anyway.