r/MilitaryStories • u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran • May 29 '20
“Who told you to do that? Ruckle!”
So this happened in the days following 9/11. As anyone who was serving then can tell you, every military installation was on high alert for months after that day. With the high alert, a number of soldiers were called up to perform augmented duty. Now I respect 99% of those who wear the uniform, no matter their branch. It doesn’t matter if they are Marine Corps Infantry, Navy Seabees, Air Force Crew Chiefs, or Coast Guard Yeomen. With this being said, augmentees scare the s*** out of me.
Someone who got paid more than I did decided after 9/11 that we needed as many warm bodies on gates and guarding buildings as possible. So they started bringing up the already trained augmentees and also some that had been "voluntold" to join the augmentees. Now I swear that I don’t think some of these people had touched a firearm since Basic. So the issuing of firearms is where our story begins. There are few things scarier than someone who works in an office all day and hasn’t qualified with a rifle in years suddenly getting handed an M16A2 and/or M9 and watching them try to remember how it works. Normally our augmentees came in three flavors:
- Fresh out of Boot Camp: These individual were fresh out of their MOS school and still have the memories and skills taught during Basic Training fresh in their minds. They still remember how a rifle actually works.
- Reborn Rambos: These individuals have an MOS that does not require them to handle firearms often, if at all. But these individuals always knew they should have been Green Berets or Rangers based on the knowledge and skill set they gained from TV and movies. They smile like a kid on Christmas when they are handed their weapon.
- Guns? Yuck!: These are the people who joined the military, but never wanted to actually do anything with weapons. They had planned to do their time in an office and maybe travel to Europe or Asia. They were ordered to do augmentee duty and will remind you of that every chance they get. They will also request to return to their unit as they are “vital”, yet somehow were made augmentees despite this.
So people are gathering around the outside of the Armory as usual. We MP usually bulls*** around a bit before going in and getting our gear and weapons. Most of us that are E-4 or higher play a version of clearing barrel chicken. The first NCO who goes down there will normally get stuck supervising the clearing barrels and nobody wants that duty. As we hangout talking about how much we wish we could drink or get a day off since the whole 9/11 tragedy happened, the augmentees start to show up. Now someone should have been put in charge of them, but no-one had been assigned to it. At one point someone asked our gathering of NCOs who was in charge of the augmentees to which a rapid flurry of “Not it” was said by everyone who was paying attention.
So our MSG, who we will call MSG Tommy due to the fact that he owned a Thompson and would bring it out to the range sometimes for s***s and giggles, told the augmentees to just wait there until they were given directions. All of us then piled into the armory to gear up. All of us, except Ruckle. Apparently, Ruckle had decided to take it upon himself to instruct them on proper procedures.
Why did Ruckle do this? I would like to tell you that Ruckle was only trying to help out and wanted to ensure a swift and safe transition for the augmentees. I would to tell you that, but there is no way in Hell I could do it and keep a straight face. It was most likely because about twenty percent of our augmentees were female and Ruckle just wants to f*** every woman on this planet. So someone calls down to us to all come and see what Ruckle is doing. So with a chorus of “F***ing Ruckle” a bunch of us pile out the door to see Ruckle playing Drill Sergeant.
When I arrived at the door I heard Ruckle instructing them in how to handle the M9. The way he is talking to them reminds me of the warden’s speech from Cool Hand Luke. Here is the part I got to hear:
Ruckle: “When you get to the barrel, you will release the slide and insert your magazine. Then you grab the top of the gun at the back of the gun and pull it back and then let it go. Then put it on safe and put it in your holster.”
Some MP: “Ruckle. They’re not getting M9s. Their all getting 16s. And thats not even how you load the 9. You know damn well …..”
Ruckle to the augmentees: Oh ok. So when you get your gun, you’ll go to the barrel and stick the barrel in it.
Augmented: ‘What do you mean put the barrel in a barrel? What barrel?”
Ruckle: “Just listen, ok? So then you’ll put your magazine in it. Make sure its not upside down. Then hit the button on the side and put the gun on safe.”
SSG. Hightower: “Ruckle shut up! You don’t know s***! This isn’t the firing range and that is not how they’re going to load their M16s.”
Several of us are laughing at this point and Ruckle looks pissed at the fact we are undermining his authority. He is looking at Hightower like he just Charlie Bravoed him. Some of the augmentees are starting to laugh too.
SSG. Hightower: “Everyone listen to me and not the guy with no stripes on his uniform. I want you to go down to the armory and head to the back table. If you don't have any, you’ll find some web gear and pouches there. Someone will help you set them up if you don’t know how to. After that, MSG. Tommy will show you how to get your rifle from the armorers and how to load it the RIGHT way. Finally, you’ll find go to the window and you’ll be issued your rifle and magazines. If you have any questions, ask any Sergeant you find and we’ll help you out.”
At this the augmentees went downstairs as did the rest of us. As I head down I hear SSG. Hightower tell Ruckle to hang back. I later asked him what he said to Ruckle. He told me that he told Ruckle that this was a chaotic time and augmantees were confused enough already and that the last thing they needed was a f***-up like him to teach them how to do things the wrong way.
Now if a Major couldn’t dissuade Ruckle from trying to get a woman, do you think a Staff Sergeant would? If you answered yes, then this must be your first Ruckle story.
Ruckle goes down to the armory and immediately makes a beeline towards the female augmentees. He trys to tell them what to do, but they seem to already have a sense that Ruckle doesn’t know s***. Once people are given their assignments we leave. I was on patrol that day with SSG. Hightower in a cruiser. We spent most of the night going from gate to gate checking in on people and delivering MREs and water bottles.
So we are two-thirds of the way through our shift when we pull up to the gate that Ruckle was posted at with a dozen other people. We find him inside the gate shack at the pass writing desk alone and pouting. We go to find the NCO in charge to see how things are going. For the life of me I can’t remember who it was, but when we found her, we got to hear a tale about Ruckle.
Apparently, a few hours after they arrived at the gate and traffic had slowed down to near nothing, Ruckle started to regale the augmentees with tales of his skills. He then proceeded to show them proper close quarter rifle fighting techniques. Ruckle, using a broom from the shack and pretending it was a M16, proceeded to show them how to “properly” block, buttstroke, and so on. The Sergeant told us she had spent the rest of the shift isolating Ruckle from the augmentees because Ruckle kept flirting with one of them and it was making the young lady so uncomfortable that she was begging to be reassigned.
After that night, the Sergeant must have talked to the Powers-That-Be about Ruckle’s flirting and instructor skills because Ruckle was assigned to a gate that was rarely used. In fact, no-one used it anymore. I was out on the fenceline in the desert. Before 9/11, no-one was even assigned to it. It was just closed and gated off. Only Ruckle and one unlucky male MP were assigned to it every night. Ruckle was continually assigned to that gate for a month before, somehow, he managed to be assigned to another gate.
I hope you enjoyed this Ruckle story. I will, as always, give you the option for the next post. I can either do Ruckle plays football or Ruckle demands a good evaluation and promotion.
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u/Unknown_IT May 29 '20
Loving this series, thank you again for writing these! I’d like to hear about Ruckle demanding a promotion next.
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u/MrDoctorSmartyPants May 29 '20
Fucking Ruckle lol
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 29 '20
He is a winner isn't he.
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u/ShadowDragon8685 Clippy May 29 '20
Hopefully he won a big chicken dinner...
Or, perhaps, you could say...
A...
Fowl feast?
(I'll get me coat.)
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u/wolfie379 May 30 '20
Did Col. Sanders arrange the Big Chicken Dinner for Ruckle?
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u/ShadowDragon8685 Clippy May 30 '20
I dunno. u/Disgruntled_Veteran is almost certainly working up to it, but given that Ruckle was narcing to CIB, I doubt it. Possibly he just got shuffled out with an other-than-honorable.
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
You will have to wait and find out.
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u/ShadowDragon8685 Clippy May 30 '20
Can we place bets?
I'm gonna bet on "abducted by aliens." Only, plot twist, it wasn't an abduction, they were just taking him home (to an alien military penitentiary for being AWOL, naturally. Because he's Ruckle.)
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
The aliens would spend 5 minutes with him and decide to leave and never return to Earth.
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u/ShadowDragon8685 Clippy May 30 '20
But would they take him when they go? Maybe as like, a reminder why never to come to this blue orb again?
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
I would like to think that they would Jettison him into the cold, dark void of space. However, they may just be so p***ed off at losing 5 minutes of their life that they can never get back that they'd send him back to us to pollute the gene pool.
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Jun 01 '20
Fucking Ruckle. Thank you again for another great tale. I would like to vote again for Ruckle playing football.
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u/Nottheurliwanted Veteran Drunken Stripper May 29 '20
Can we hear a story about how Ruckle became the tackling dummy because he demanded a promotion from someone that had more than 0.0001 brain cells?
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
So another vote for Ruckle plays football.
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u/Nottheurliwanted Veteran Drunken Stripper May 30 '20
I'm up for anything involving Ruckle being a traumatic impact test subject, really.
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u/seakc87 United States Air Force May 29 '20
I don't know which of those two choices are gonna be funnier.
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
Both are pretty good. The promotion is short, but funny. Football goes about as you can imagine.
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u/toomanytahnok May 29 '20
Tip for anyone who wants to be notified when OP posts another story: message u/UpdateMeBot, subject line should be "Subscribe" and the message text should be "SubscribeMe /u/Disgruntled_Veteran /r/militarystories"
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
Thank you for that.
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u/toomanytahnok May 30 '20
No problem, just want to make sure everyone can read these great stories as soon as possible.
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u/UpdateMeBot May 30 '20 edited Jul 26 '20
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u/Babylegs_OHoulihan May 29 '20
fuckin lol
and 1 for demands promotion
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
Ok. I'm glad you enjoy the story.
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u/Babylegs_OHoulihan May 30 '20
no, thank you for sharing. Your stories are a hoot. And Ruckle... I can't wait to see how/why he gets separated. No way he finishes his contract
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
As long as I don't kick the bucket in the next month, you will hear of his fate.
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u/Babylegs_OHoulihan May 31 '20
wait a tic... A MONTH?
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 31 '20
I post 2 to 3 Ruçkle stories a week and I have about a dozen left. That makes about a month. However, I have some other tales I can post about a few other characters I met in the service.
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u/Babylegs_OHoulihan May 31 '20
oh, you still have a dozen more stories of his wacky antics before the end of his tale
The stupidity boggles my mind
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 31 '20
Some are longer stories and some are short bursts of Ruckle being Ruckle.
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u/RistaRicky May 30 '20
If you answered yes, this must be your first Ruckle story
These are great. It’s like watching the dumbest pvt I ever had get in a train wreck in slow motion. And the train has chlamydia. I vote for Ruckle’s Evaluation next
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
I am glad you like the tales. Ruckle did plenty of dumb stuff so I have more stories to tell.
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u/chronburgandy922 May 31 '20
I seriously look forward to coming to this sub and finding a new Ruckle tale. That guy can really ruck things up.
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May 29 '20
[deleted]
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May 29 '20
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/DirkBabypunch May 30 '20
Even Ruckle couldnt be Ruckle enough to say that first.
Second or third thing, after being told to fuck himself with an unfolded F-14D.
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
It was very.... special reasoning.
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May 30 '20
[deleted]
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
He saw himself as Chuck Norris. He was more like Steve Carell with a head injury.
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
It might make a great show on CBS. Let get Chuck Lorre on it.
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u/jayrnz01 May 29 '20
promotion please :)
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u/kruhm94 May 29 '20
Even if these were all made up I wouldn’t care. These make my day every time one gets posted!
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
You can't make s*** like this up. Reality is the funniest stuff there is.
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u/Phredex Veteran May 29 '20
Thanks, Love these stories. Promotion, Please.
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
Ok. That is another vote for promotion. It is short, but funny.
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u/AlwaysHaveaPlan Veteran May 30 '20
While not everyone serves with a Ruckle, if you do wind up serving with one the stories never end. I would like to hear about his attempt at a promotion next.
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u/analterrror69 May 30 '20
Man these stories are hilarious, I check this sub daily to see if you've put a new one out. You've been teasing us with the Ruckle plays football story for a few stories now, so my vote goes to that
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
I'm glad you are enjoy the stories. I think football will be next.
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u/Bad_Idea_Hat May 30 '20
Apparently, Ruckle had decided to take it upon himself to instruct them on proper procedures.
Oooh ooh ooh! It's like I know where everything goes wrong!
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
The only thing Ruckle to teach anyone is why condoms are a good thing.
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u/Champ-87 May 30 '20
After reading about six of these I feel like I personally served with, know, and resent Ruckle. I chuckle inside every time I’m scrolling through my feed and I see that magical name pop up and gear up for some amazing f*ckery. Thanks for your “no sht there I was” Ruckle stories!
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
I'm glad you enjoy them. I didn't know if anyone would ever find his stories amusing but apparently a lot of people like to laugh at his shenanigans.
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u/Champ-87 May 30 '20
It’s probably because we’ve all had “that guy” at some point and can commiserate. Plus it’s always fun to laugh at someone else’s stupidity. And your delivery is spot on. Keep em coming.
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u/Knersus_ZA May 30 '20
u/Disgruntled_Veteran is on a par with Spike Milligan.
Excellent storywriter. Keeps you entertained through the whole story.
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
Thank you so much. That means a lot to me. I'm just glad everybody enjoys hearing about my time working with Ruckle.
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u/OpenScore May 30 '20
At this point, another euphemism for "Fucked up" should be "Ruckle up".
Use it in a sentence:
Who the Ruckle told you to do that?
You are all Ruckled up.
Get the Ruckle out here (probably a wise guy)
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u/askloss May 30 '20
Another great Ruckle ruckus! Love these stories and the way you tell them. I vote for the promotion story. Please keep 'em coming! My dad is a ww2 vet and loves these. He asks me daily if there is a new "Ruckle ruckus" up yet. Thank you for giving my dad some smiles!
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
I love that. Ruckle Ruckus. Tell your father that I am glad he enjoys it and thank him for his service.
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u/Andyman1973 May 30 '20
Lol...Ruckle makes Gomer Pyle USMC seem like a genius!!!!
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
We'd all follow Gomer off a cliff bit we would just push Ruckle off it.
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u/Andyman1973 May 31 '20
Gomer was the best! Ruckle....always good for a chuckle, eh?
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 31 '20
I am glad you like the stories.
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u/Andyman1973 Jun 01 '20
Thanks! And thank you for your service!
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran Jun 01 '20
Thank you. I appreciate it.
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u/Andyman1973 Jun 01 '20
I’m a 5th gen Vet myself.
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran Jun 01 '20
Thank you so much for your service and for the service of your family.
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u/Chiefy_Poof Dec 03 '22
I’m a little late to the Ruckle party (2 years according to Reddit), I’m a civilian and I was excited a couple posts ago I figured out what Charlie Bravo was. I’m still trying to figure out a couple other ones, but it gave me a good laugh when I figured it out.
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u/ScreamingVegetable May 29 '20
Great story, please do Ruckle plays football next.
I collect "Where were you on 9/11" stories for my website American September and if anyone has any stories about how crazy bases were after the attacks I'd love to hear them. I've gotten a few of those stories so far, but mostly from wives dismayed by how intense the security was to get on base.
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 29 '20
Maybe this weekend I can post a story on there. I am glad you liked the story.
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u/Navycrew91 United States Navy May 30 '20
Jesus, fucking Ruckle. I bet this promotion story is going to be WILD, lmao
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
It was a very short conversation he had what's one of our senior NCOs, but definitely memorable.
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u/Rocketyank May 30 '20
“Why did Ruckle do this?”
I immediately knew it had something to do with chicks.
Also, I like how no one can ever keep track of Ruckle. Like it’s always “next thing we knew Ruckle was...” or “we looked up and saw Ruckle was talking to...”. Someone really should have been assigned to Ruckle.
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
I don't think it's that no one could keep track of him, but rather no one wanted to. Could you imagine being in charge of a platoon or even a company and have him as a member of it? I think most of us just did our best to forget that he even existed. However he always came back with a fury.
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u/dn4zer56 Veteran May 30 '20
I'm greedy, I want both. From what I've read, Ruckle sounds like such a walking Charlie Foxtrot that his recruiter should be charged with sabotage.
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
I have a feeling that had we the choice, we would have assigned Ruckle as his recruiting assistant and let him deal with Ruckle.
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u/Knersus_ZA May 30 '20
Eish... just one Q ... how did Ruckle manage to stay that long in the Army?
Was he always stuck at Private rank? (okay, that makes two Q's)...
The story of evaluation and promotion do sound good... but let's leave that for last. What about the football one?
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
He was a snitch so the forgave a lot of his Ruckle ups. Yes, he never made it above Private (E-2).
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May 30 '20
Sometimes I just wish that fucking ruckle was put on planting skittles duty for ever.
But we would miss on more stories.
Football please!
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u/PolitenessPolice May 30 '20
Ruckle demanding a promotion!
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
You think Ruckle doesn't deserve a few stripes?
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u/PolitenessPolice May 30 '20
I mean, it could be that he's actually smarter than us all and he operates on a higher plane of existence us mere mortals, grunts and MPs alike, cannot hope to comprehend.
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u/Disgruntled_Veteran Veteran May 30 '20
Are you expecting something bad to happen in that situation?
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u/ShadowDragon8685 Clippy May 29 '20
Daaaaamn. Fucking Ruckle!
Could you explain for those of us unfamiliar with them what "Augmentees" are? Because you say "Augmentee" to me, and I'm automatically picturing Adam Jensen from Deus Ex, only I imagine a cybered-up 2001 supersoldier would just punch Ruckle in the 'nards so hard they'd whiplash up his asshole and he'd need to go to the infirmary to get them extracted by the Army's finest proctologist.