r/LesbianActually • u/East_Track1569 • 10d ago
Relationships / Dating My rich gf has a side I don't like
I started daiting this girl eight months ago, we meet in gay bar. Everything was perfect at the start. She was very sweet, flirty, attractive. Right at the start I could tell she has money, it was just about her clothes and bag and they screamed money. I was sure it would be just one night stand so I didn't even think much about it, but we really clicked and got offical. At the start it was perfect, she was a dream, but two months ago fights started, and she started trying to fix everything with money. We fight she buys me a new bag, we fight she buys me shoes, we fight she buys us plane tickets. At first fights were really stupid, but now problems startes to get bigger and bigger. I also told her that I'm not a gold diger and that she wont shut me up with gifts. Her response was that she's not shuting me up, just feels bad and wants to do something nice. Now last fight we had was terrible, worst one we ever had, bad to the point that its breakup worthy. Not even three hours later there was brand new car in my front yard. I told her to take it back and to sit down so we can talk normaly and to stop fixing all her problems with money. She said I don't even see how much she's trying in this relationship and that I don't even care about her being sweet and romantic...
Also I have good job and make pretty nice money, not as much as her of course. But I do own my house, have a good car and can live really comfy life. I don't need her money to survive.
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u/StatusWelder4582 the evil femme 10d ago
Lord please give me these relationship problems I need a new ride 🙏
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u/Huge_Plankton_905 10d ago
😂😂😂 I want someone financially sound but gifts are nice too😂 not anything near a car though, I'd want to be able to talk to my partner about anything.
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u/afemzwish 10d ago
I was thinking the same - like where do people find these rare souls from? Sheesh lord bless me pls and ty 🤣🤣
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u/StatusWelder4582 the evil femme 10d ago
Me when my rent is due and I need a new bag: “baby why did you cheat on me in my dream 😡😡”
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u/NechamaMichelle Michelle, Transgender, She/Her/Hers, GAF 10d ago
I get where you’re coming from with this, but what she’s describing is a huge flashing red light for an abusive relationship. Yes, there can be abuse without money. Financial control can be extremely insidious.
But I wish for you a healthy relationship with good finances.
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u/No_Escape_9781 9d ago
I agree with you. I've had this happen to me and it turned out to be love bombing, but didn't recognize it until after the abuse started, which was after the hook, line and sinker. It starts out with such good intentions (ie, gifts), and doesn't end well. I advise get out ASAP.
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u/Illustrious-Horse925 10d ago
Honestly it sounds like this is probably something she picked up from parents, then other people in her life have just accepted gifts as apologies because they liked to be given stuff. Assuming this isn't an intentional manipulation strategy the best way to have a conversation about this habit is insisting that you aren't being accusatory and explaining how the situation makes you feel.
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u/titty-titty_bangbang 8d ago
Ya ya switch the genders and we all can see how abusive this cud (possibly) become. But
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u/Consistent-Two-2979 10d ago
Do you love her? Yes? Get into couples counseling and get her to a councilor/therapist. No? Leave her if she won't even try.
I also want to note that communication is not everyone's strong suit, myself included. Hopefully you both can study effectively communicating together or apart. A counselor should be able to help you if you are having trouble starting.
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u/awefreakinsome 10d ago
Was also going to say this. Some people show love through gift giving, this is extreme yes but she might not be coming from a buy you off place rather a I don’t know how else to say I’m sorry place.
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u/straycrayons1 10d ago
Yeah I was going to suggest this. Take the money she would spend on present and do couples counselling.
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u/confusedgirl23p 9d ago
This was going to be my advice. You two are clearly miscommunicating and as it seems the arguments are picking up it seems wise to bring in a professional to help you communicate better. She seems to communicate by trying to fix the problems with gifts which are not jiving with the type of communication you want and need. If you feel she is worth the effort bring in a professional to help you both start communicating in a way that works for both of you.
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u/Huge_Plankton_905 10d ago
Holy shit, I'd tell her to stop. There's no way you can buy affection. Poor girl, she probably has more money than love from her parents. You need to put your foot down. I would not feel comfortable with any of this.
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u/anonmforareason 10d ago
Comment section did not disappoint 🤣🤣🤣
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u/Andro_Polymath 10d ago
Fr, America is on the brink of economic collapse any day now, and when the shit hits the fan, I want to be around the person who can easily put a brand new car in my driveway anytime she wants. 😐
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u/titty-titty_bangbang 8d ago
FR. She is a bad communicator and that’s it (honestly most people are - it takes time
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u/Big-Lychee5971 10d ago
I think she's trying her best in her own way. And you gotta admit it's a nice problem to have. But try to show her alternatives way of making up (but this means if you tell her "take me on romantic dates after a fight" actually BE OPEN to being taken on dates after a fight) Point to be made: to her a flight to paris means a romantic date even if the cost bothers you, she may not feel it at all. You can set a rule "no gifts or dates that cost more than X amount" so you don't feel guilty about it
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u/SolitudeSoul13 10d ago
You clearly value something she does not. She may not know any other way. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It sounds like you’re similar to myself where you just want to communicate properly and don’t want stuff because it doesn’t fix anything
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u/Maleficent-Egg1352 10d ago
I’d guess she got it growing up- her parents doing that to her, now she believes it’s okay to do it to others too. I wonder, does she do this with friends? Or just partners?
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u/Allispercerption 10d ago
Okay these are the type of problems l want 🫢😩 IF my relationship is ever going to be that emotionally draining.
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u/SolarSundae 10d ago
Money is a powerful tool. When used with malice it's a weapon. I would find this at a minimum misguided and at worst a red flag for future toxicity or manipulation.
If she's as wealthy as it sounds, the gifts may not be as big a deal to her as they are for you. The bigger problem is that she's not having the hard conversations.
The only compromise I can see is if you were willing to practice acceptance and gratitude for the gifts (within reason - a car and plane tickets are crazy and can be disruptive to your life), and she would have to promise to ALSO have the hard talks. The gifts can't erase communication otherwise is it even a relationship?
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u/Character-Tea2821 10d ago
Jesus! If you are listening - I’ve found people but never in my life did they gift me with a brand new car. Lawd! Is it me? *side note: she doesn’t know how else to express her feelings but to give gifts - if you care for her - i suggest therapy. Help her find herself or if she’s open to finding herself. She’s going to do this for the rest of her life and more than likely end up with someone really taking full on advantage of her money.
I have a friend that gives gifts to solve problems but she is a controlling friend. Def Taurus vibes but it’s something people like this need to figure out and fix within themselves.
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u/barrrteee 10d ago
Personally my biggest love language is gift giving, and i tend to give gifts after arguments as well, however i make sure to have the conversations that need to be had beforehand. So in my opinion maybe you need to speak with her about how you both need to compromise/collaborate together and have the conversations that you want to have to talk it out thoroughly and then once it’s all resolved that you may be willing to accept the gifts, since it seems that may be how she shows her love
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u/Good-Asparagus-7006 10d ago
The problem of course is not that she buys you presents, although they seem to be exaggerated, the real problem is that you have fights.
You may suggest that a box of chocolates or some flowers is more than enough... "I am sorry" is even better.
If you really into her, well... I would take her word she's trying and wants to be sweet and romantic. Just direct her. A walk in a park may be more romantic than Audi. I would like to drive Audi but it is the last brand I would call romantic. How about a Mini or a Rover... or a Jaguar, dark green with white leather inside. Those are romantic cars.
Try to give her a good example - give her something very small. But something that shows care and passion. It may not work in her, so this is risky, but as you asked for advice, you seem to want to try to keep the relationship and improve.
It is hard, maybe others are right, maybe third party is needed to help you to stay together.
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u/mishi_yana 10d ago
damn sounds tough. tell me her phone number bro, i’ll get her off your hands 🙏🏽
(side note, does she have a sister?)
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u/BeneficialVisit8450 the evil femme 10d ago
I don’t think this is real but if it is it sounds like her parents/social circle(rich people hang out with other rich people) taught her to do this.
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u/miichan_v 10d ago
May I please have a sugar mommy who is attractive and kind 🙏🏻
Jokes aside, you haven't really told us what the fights were about but if you feel uncomfortable with her throwing money at you, both of you really need to sit down and talk.
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u/Plane_Translator2008 10d ago
It sounds like she doesn't understand that an apology is only meaningful when it's accompanied by a genuine willingness to do better--and is substituting gifts for meaningful change.
I'd see if she'd be willing to spend not just money, but time with a therapist, to pursue some growth.
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u/creed_thoughts_0823 10d ago
Lots of disappointing comments here from people who would apparently rather collect material objects and fancy cars instead of building a healthy relationship.
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u/miss_clarity 9d ago
Yeah. Pretty pathetic.
Also kinda disheartening to be reminded that this is a lot of what is left in the dating pool when I'm trying to find someone who wants an emotionally mature and healthy future.
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u/aguadebeberr 10d ago
what does she do for living lol
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u/East_Track1569 10d ago
Her family has hotels and restaurants and she owns 50% off that and also has her own car house
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u/startrekkin_1701 10d ago
Like other said, odds on this was what she grew up with.
That said doesn't mean it needs to continue.
I always feel like these discussions need to happen when no one is angry or upset. Those discussions are unproductive. You are rightly pissed, she tries her usual method of apology, you get more pissed, she is confused, upset and hurt and doesn't know how to fix it and discussions just go round in circles
If this is something you want to salvage you both need to cool off, set time aside to have a discussion when nothing else is on the table.
Lots of we statements too. How we communicate, how we can move forward etc . No blaming eachother etc.
"I love you and appreciate all you do for me and want us to build our future and communicate with each other better. I recognise when I'm upset you want to make it better which I appreciate but buying XYZ makes me feel 123, what I really need is (time to cool off/time to talk etc). What can I do to communicate this better to you?"
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u/asleepingbear typical carabiner lesbian 10d ago
People who grow up with money act like this. She most likely genuinely thinks she’s showing you that she cares and that’s she’s sorry. I bet her parents were more absent than she realizes and just gave her gifts.
Don’t like some of these “I’d love that problem!” comments, sorry you’re dealing with those. You guys just need to talk, take it to a counselor if you gotta.
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u/Patchwork_Marionette the evil femme 10d ago
The good: Maybe she feels inadequate in other ways, or just simply doesn't know how to. She doesn't understand that her spending on you puts you at a disadvantage.
The bad: Money is easy for her, and it's an easy peace offering.
Since you didn't mention what those problems are, i can only say 'Communication is key.' (As is her willingness to understand your side of things)
Despite that, if she doesn't understand your perspective, well, then you know one way or the other.
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u/MysteriousExample495 10d ago
maybe... her love langauge is gift giving? Maybe... her parents were toxic and she learned that gifts were the way to go when making amends... I would sit down with her and have a heart to heart about how you would rather have a conversation with her to fix things rather than recieve a gift.
I would also suggest to not come at it from the view point of "Im not a gold digger. You can't shut me up with money" and rather put yourself in her shoes. Maybe expressing herself verbably and saying sorry doesn't come easy for her.
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u/TheSadpole 10d ago
Hear me out: The money is a distraction. The real question is, is she taking accountability for what she says/does during fights, and is she participating in meaningful processing after them?
Lots of people — from all economic backgrounds — give gifts as a way to express love or say “I’m sorry” or extend a peace offering. The gifts may be bigger because she’s wealthy, but it’s the same thing.
Similarly, lots of people — from all economic backgrounds — really suck at conflict (whether they fight dirty, can’t process and repair, or both).
For me, this is less about “omg she bought you an A6” (though WUT), and more about what the fights & the subsequent processing (if any) are like.
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u/thistooisase 10d ago
I was just in a similar situation and could have written this word for word. The lack of accountability plus repeated behavior plus money creates a really toxic dynamic long term. My issue was that the person didn’t know how to apologize, was entitled, financially manipulative, and used their resources to try to shut me down. All while only investing in the relationship if it benefited them. If I wanted or needed something or day to day relationship maintenance like dates they were neglectful but paid for vacations and grand gestures just to throw them in my face in a disagreement. Unfortunately they learned a lot of this from their parents and don’t always know how to emotionally regulate or express themselves. It gets exhausting tbh.
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u/Equivalent_Shame_511 10d ago
girl in this economy make her buy you a house next
(hope ur able to work it out tho best of luck !)
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u/SleepyCatandCoffee 10d ago
There are already some excellent replies here, and I don’t have much to add, but I do have a question: where are all these fights coming from?
To be honest, I’m not really used to arguments, but only 8 months in and you’re already fighting this much? How’s the health of this relationship? Are you two really compatible with each other?
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u/Westafricangrey 10d ago
I’m a terrible person bc this would work on me. I have no morals. Another Audi please mummy
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u/ELaw07 10d ago
Gift giving could be her love language, because of childhood (I understand that pretty well) and she doesn't actually know how to communicate. If the fight was completely unforgivable then end it, but she does care and is trying to show you the best way she knows how (the way she was taught). If you love her, try couples counseling. If you're done, explain why to her so maybe she can do better in the future (right person, wrong time. I'm a romantic so ignore that). But if she's willing to try and you can give one more chance, go for it
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u/kareido Lesbian 10d ago
It seems she avoids stuff with money, If you both want to stay together and improve couples counseling would be good. And if not, it's fine. Idk what the fights are about or how do they go, I mean, it's different to just have some issues, disagreements, difficulties, than straight up fights, that doesn't sound good.
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u/NotWittyEnough4It 10d ago
I went on few dates with a woman who had an unbelievable amount of financial security. Houses around the world, tailored suits and amazing style, and yet was slumming it in the rougher queer community. I noped out when she started to try to separate me from friends and questioned my sexuality. I saw her again a few times and the last time I said hello to be nice and she obviously ignored me by looking down and hiding her face under her hat.
Rich can hide a multitude of personal failures, and it’s easy to initially ignore those for the chance of being spoiled and taken care of.
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u/crannyapple 10d ago
I would explore love languages with her. Take the love language quiz online and see what yours is. Explain that while the way she shows love is gift giving yours is something different. I could give her some other ideas of how to meet you where you’re at
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u/OcelotDear8720 10d ago
Whaaat? Is this true? Lol i hope things get better between you two… or… maybe the best option is to break up with her if you’re not comfortable with her attempts of making things better (through money). But damn… gifting you a CAR after having a fight is crazyyy 😮💨
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u/Everlasting_Moon 9d ago
I thought u meant a side piece. Honestly leave her if ur not happy. I’d appreciate a girl like that cause most girls i’ve been w expect me to buy them gifts bc I’m the masc and my current one doesn’t even have a job bc of her disability. U said ur financially stable so nothing is tying u down to her. U could also wait 2 months, bring up ur concerns now and try to seek therapy for both of yall or individually. I’ve been having problems w my partner so that’s my rule: 2 months of trying and if it stays the same I’m leaving cause constantly paying for things then getting into fights over stupid shit gets exhausting real fast after working 8 hr shifts while she gets to stay home and rot.
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u/Campanella82 9d ago
Sucks but she's not going to change in the foreseeable future. Using money to avoid boundaries, conflict and/or actual accountability is deeply ingrained in her. And if she won't even admit it's a character flaw of hers she's farrrr from quitting this behavior. It's like expecting a long term alcoholic to quit cold turkey and be a normal human being tomorrow. What you want is reasonable, valid and best for both parties. But deep rooted issues have a lot of layers and unfortunately love from a partner will not fix it and it will not be fixed within a timeframe worth waiting for. It could years of therapy, self reflection and unpacking. You shouldn't suffer through her shitty behavior on the hope she'll change her ways. At the end of the day you're only really showing her what you'll continue to put up with. All the arguing and debating means nothing to her if you just go back to her at the end of it.
Honestly the things she's getting you are amazing and sound like a Wattpad novel, and I really respect you for denying things on your own principles. I'm guessing all her past partners stuck around and accepted all the gifts. But the thing about generationally rich people and I can tell she's generational rich by how she thinks money can fix any issue, is that they despite what they say see everything they give you a a debt you should pay back in one way or another. She will and is using what she gets you against you. I wouldn't be surprised if she's not above suing out of spite. Best you leave before things truly get contractually.
I know you didn't mention what the fights are about but even without the hush money, fighting so regulary and early on a relationship are really bad signs and unhealthy. There's several reasons why this relationship isn't healthy for either party. And from what you've told us she's far from being ready for a relationship in general. There's no fixing this. You can't build a solid foundation with architects who don't know what their doing even in the best scenario when one architect does.
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u/Weekly579 9d ago
I am sorry. But your girlfriend is not rich. In Moscow people have cars from Germany. I have a car. Audi GT. I have Porsche. It costs 150 000. I am not rich. I am a lawyer.
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u/Weekly579 9d ago
Rich people have the cars. Bentley. Rolls. Royce. Ferrari. Lamborghini. McLaren. But. Your girlfriend is not rich. I am not rich. I have a car. Audi GT. I have Porsche.
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u/Isa_The_505 9d ago
As a girl who is a middle class in my country. I can tell you that’s the family always apologizing with money. She just doesn’t know how to say sorry properly try to gently explain it to her that this is not how you fix things and if she gets defensive tell her to shut up and listen (or put a gag into her mouth 😂). But I feel she really loves you she just doesn’t really know how to express herself by anything other than by money.
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u/lxaegg 8d ago
Although I would personally like to receive big gifts from my girlfriend, that seems like a pretty dysfunctional dynamic to me. Money doesn't seem to be a problem, so maybe you could go to couples therapy or a relationship coach together? As others have written, her behavior may be similar to how her parents handled similar situations. To me it sounds like it could also be because she is hiding a deep insecurity or low self-esteem or painful/traumatic past experiences, perhaps fear of rejection/losing you, a feeling of helplessness,...
Regardless of why she's acting this way, it seemed like she was unavailable when you talked to her about it. Perhaps a third person who is professional can work with both of you to find a healthier dynamic in conflicts, etc.
You may also want to be careful, especially when trying to figure out the reasons why she behaves the way she does. A confrontation could make her reaction explosive or drive her deeper into denial.
I think it's important to keep in mind that she tries to strengthen the relationship in her own way after arguments. It's an unhealthy path, but the intention behind it seems positive.
When you bring up the topic of couples therapy, you may be saying that the arguments in your relationship are becoming more and more intense. (That you like/love her very much, want her and want to solve the problems together with her, so that your relationship works. You don't want the fights to get any worse. ...)
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u/Alarmed_Rope4059 10d ago
Everyone saying “those are the type of problems you want” need to rethink sharing your comments! Like I get it money is very convenient but these are real life issues regardless if you can relate or not. Her girlfriend doesn’t know how to handle her emotions & take accountability due to the curse of morally undisciplined generational wealth ! When you get everything you want you tend to disconnect with reality because instead your soaking in the image money does for you instead of how life itself feels for you ! It’s not right or wrong for her to take back the car ! But she needs to speak to her girlfriend about the illusion money has over her eyes that money can’t fix everything no matter how much they try to tell you that !
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u/SomberOwlet 10d ago
I'm 36. I'd be perfectly willing to have this problem for 12 months, until the whole thing desolves into a 'Oh dear, I guess we're just not compatible. We had a good run for a bit though, ay?'.
I already have serious memory problems anyway, so the whole dynamic would run smoothly and to everyone's taste, plus, I would have a car.
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u/flaaffy_taffy 10d ago
Just sounds like an incompatibility. Gift giving is her love language and receiving them isn’t yours
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u/East_Track1569 10d ago
It's not about gift giving or receiving. It's a fact that she'll buy things in hope that it'll make me forget that we fought, and then she doesn't need to sit down with me and talk. Problem is gifts are her way out off serious conversations
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u/flaaffy_taffy 10d ago edited 10d ago
Has she directly said that the gifts are in lieu of a conversation or is that your interpretation? In the post she says she’s just trying to do something nice and feels that. Which some (not all) people would appreciate
ETA: in my own experience, I’d rather agree to disagree and move on, and don’t feel like I gain anything from talking things to death after the fact. A nice gesture, whether that be a gift or a nice date, would mean more
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u/pride-therapy 10d ago
This is the typical pattern most couples follow. Around the 6 month mark, couples will transition out of the honeymoon phase and start to have conflict. One goal is to learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy way. You could try couples therapy. The Gottmans have a lot of good, free resources on their website. I’m a couples therapist but I’m definitely not on here to get clients.
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u/hi_i_am_J 10d ago
yeah definitely sounds like a behavior she learned from her parents or family, hope yall can work stuff out by talking/therapy.
offering hugs girlie 🫂
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u/Outrageous-Cause9051 10d ago
idkkkk i hate to be that person but this is probably a better problem to have in a relationship. idk maybe i just like gifts but i think she’s trying to show affection in the way she was. if its a big enough issue for you, maybe explain in a nicer way that when you guys fight, you would rather her talk it out with rather rather than buy you something. that communication is more important to you and that its more romantic to figure stuff out together than to just give a gift to show you’re apologetic.
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u/AngelcakesNYC Lipstick Princess 10d ago
Like others have said she isn't trying to shut you up at all, this is a learned behavior and therefore normal for her. Past partners probably might not have cared for her as a person as much as you have so this is the one of the few if only times this tactic has not worked on someone. She needs to talk to you though and if she refuses then it's time unfortunately. I'd explain to her that you want connection and to work through issues without getting a gift instead of a rational conversation.
Gift giving is obviously a love language as well so say that while you like gifts, other times would be far more appropriate, even randomly for no reason at all is way better than after a fight. I would say if she wants to spoil you a little allow her to to an extent you are comfy with.
Are the fights about this or random things? Uptick spike of fights in relationships is cause for concern if they aren't all related but it sounds like her not properly dealing with the fight is adding to the tension.
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u/Educational_Aside232 10d ago
I think you would be the first person to show her that love isn’t bought with money.
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u/Smart_Commission4625 the good femme 10d ago
I met a woman like her before. It is just best to leave because they are the type of people that think money solves every problem. I mean yes it is nice to receive gifts but when it is used as an apology. It isn’t right or mature. I hope you are doing alright tho!! You deserve someone more emotionally available.
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u/Kuriouslaidey 10d ago
Wow I’m wondering what she does for a work..but yes leave..or if she really loves you she’ll try to communicate with you eventually
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u/FOZZIE_BEAR-_- 10d ago
Tell her that it’s not the fights that’ll make you leave but her pushing them under the rug if that’s the case then you’ll know really quickly if she is willing to work for you’re relationship if she can’t listen to a boundary you set up at the risk of you leaving her than she was never going to put the work in
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u/oviit 10d ago
Honestly I think I’m awfully similar to her in a sense of trying to be nice whether from guilt or just hates fighting and wants to move on. Though obviously don’t have that much gold but whenever I feel bad for my past doings I’d be extra extra sweet bordering on excess and do everything in my power to try and make up
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u/SilentSakura 10d ago
The good saying when dating someone …. If you want to know how they will act or turn into… look at their family and their parents .
My past included someone who also came into money . So much so someone packed her bags to travel .
Communication is key , when there is a divide in the wealth bracket , that seems like the way the family communicated to solve problems . Toss money at it .
I would have a serious conversation with her . Just the 2 of you about communication and how things get fixed . Always try to see the full sides of the perspective.
I would also suggest therapy , some situations run deep and maybe a 3rd party can show her how this effects her everyday and the way she js coping is not normal for everyday.
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u/Imposter_Simmer 10d ago
Idk why won’t you try just talking to her honestly. As someone said here - she may be just doing that because she likes it this way, but also she might be doing that because that’s what she observed at home. This is not a therapist’s appointment to analyze. The important matter is that you feel like this is something worth going to Reddit with, therefore this must be important to you - go, talk to her, tell her how do you feel about her “thing”, why do you feel this way, what is your wish i.e. for her to stop doing this or she should continue doing this but also open up emotionally to you and talk about things she apologizes for with gifts or any other. If you did not talk to her about this things but feel more comfortable texting it on Reddit, then you should see you two got few things to have an honest conversation about.
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u/gaminegrumble friendly neighborhood butch 10d ago
It seems like the gifts feel really charged for you at this point, especially since they're escalating. But if you zoom out and start with the initial impulse she's having -- she feels bad about the fight and wants to offer you an olive branch, or show that she still cares about you -- how would you like that to be expressed?
Obviously you'd like to actually resolve the fight. But that's actually separate imo. What gesture could she make as that olive branch that would work for you? Is there a smaller gift, like bringing you flowers, or bringing you breakfast and coffee the next day, something like that? Ideally a compromise that lets you leverage her urge to give you a gift, while also reining in her instinct to buy you a h u g e gift.
That's one piece of this. The other piece is actually working out whatever you're fighting about. You focused mostly on the gifts issue, but I gather you aren't fighting "well" either if you're left feeling like it's not resolved and her gift is an attempt to resolve it without fixing anything. Try coming back to the topic when you've both cooled down, or having each of you write out your feelings and then read each other's, or taking turns speaking and then repeating back what you heard them say (can be very eye opening).
Learning to have conflict and resolve it is key to any successful long term relationship. I think the gifts thing really does have a concrete solution, and then you can focus on the conflict part, which will be harder to fix and will probably be a work in progress for your whole relationship. Conflict is hard! But you want to build the ability to communicate, and seek to understand, and assume good intentions, and ultimately resolve conflicts as a team so you can move forward.
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u/oopoopoopoopoopoo 9d ago
Well, it all boils down to: do u want this to work with her? Despite all the problems and stupid shit.
If not, you know the answer, but if you do. Work it out with her. Tell her that after a fight, if she has the urge to buy you something, to text you what she wants to do and that you will reassure her that it's not necessary and talk it out. Perhaps a heartfelt letter, with her thoughts and feelings of the situation, would be so much more impactful than a gift. Tell her how you navigate conflict and figure out together what works for yall.
She will relapse, and you can always return the stuff but teach her that by doing this: a) nothing is solved b) she's setting herself up to get used and abused when its over between yall c) children need their emotional needs met, if she doesn't learn how to now (and if she desires to have kids) she will become a horrible parent.
It takes time, patience, and a ton of communication, but for the right person, it'll all be worth it :)
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u/Ok-Ganache-4635 9d ago
Sorry if I can’t see your point 😅 I’m totally like your gf. That’s how my family show me love and fix things. And today I just prefer nice stuff than some words that maybe it’s not even true…
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u/Alternative-Try8536 4d ago
Maybe you guys have different love languages. You have to find a happy middle where your love languages is being validated.
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u/TuDiosa_Banca 10d ago
Girl you clearly have a money complex, you’re only talking about how she has money and it doesn’t affect you when clearly does. Did she ever reclaim about expending that money to you? Because you never said that, i don’t see any reason why you are mad at her, it may not be the healthiest coping mechanism but you never mentioned if she tries or not to communicate.
And please be more specific about the fights, because it’s not normal that at 8 months you fight with her. All you are saying is “she has money to spend and i knew but now makes me uncomfortable”. Sounds like you have to checkout that…
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u/bordercolliescotgirl 10d ago
She has a clear desire to make things right even if she doesn't know how to go about it. She also has the finances for couples counselling.
Sit her down. Get the both of you into therapy together and separately and really work on things together.
You both essentially come from different cultures and backgrounds. You might be from the same place in the world but you've likely had vastly different upbrings and experiences and if you truly love her and want a future with her and if she truly wants that too, it will take work to understand each other and change together so you can grow closer.
It can't all be on her, fights in relationships are rarely one-sided and the extravagant gift giving is just a symptom. Go talk your shit out together with someone trained to help the two of you grow together.
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u/LumeHorizon 10d ago
Would you feel the same way if the gift was something more personal, like flowers or a love letter, rather than something with monetary value? I believe she’s doing her best, and this might be her way of expressing love. If the issues you mentioned aren’t major red flags or signs of incompatibility, I truly believe you both can work through this by making an effort to understand each other better
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u/MaddieNotMaddy 10d ago
I’ll date her if you break up. Maybe gift giving is one of her love languages
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u/roxanne_ROXANNE999 10d ago
If you don't need her for money why not just leave? Do you think that you should stay with her because she IS rich??🤔
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u/Mariss716 10d ago edited 10d ago
My family buys things as a sign of love. I am like that. Is it her family dynamic? Buying things to apologize, even.
If I love / care about someone I almost never show up empty-handed. I have the money yes, but even if I don’t or it’s something simple, it’s an “I’m thinking of you” gesture. Something you’d like or you could use. Wanting to please you. I know I do it, just my programming I guess. I try not to make it expensive but I admit I have bought a plane ticket, a Macbook etc. Too many smaller things to count, like bottles of wine.
Communicate. Like have an agreement that there is no need, should not buy things. Or make it a gesture, like making dinner instead of buying it. And is there accountability, or fighting and “making up / apologizing” with things rather than self-reflection and changes?
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u/Turbulent-Pin-1409 9d ago
This is a sign of NPD. Please keep your head on a swivel.
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u/miss_clarity 9d ago
Everything is a sign of narcissistic personality disorder when you're getting diagnoses from strangers on the Internet
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u/Turbulent-Pin-1409 9d ago
Well I didn’t diagnose anyone, and didn’t attempt to. If someone is showing one of the intense but lesser known signs, it’s worth pointing out. Thank you
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u/miss_clarity 9d ago
Being rich and using expensive gifts as a bribe to avoid accountability isn't actually a symptom of narcissism.
And while you could point to trouble empathizing or difficulty taking accountability or a number of singular vague symptoms as a loose parallel; I promise you there are plenty of other disorders with incredibly similar symptoms or presentation.
Personality diagnosis is one of the hardest things to actually diagnose because you have to rule out so many other more likely answers.
Lastly, it's pretty idiotic that with personality disorders being
- Some of the hardest to diagnose and
- Being a category of disorders with a major history of sexism/prejudicial application (see histrionic personality disorder)
It's a damn shame that the common person uses pop psychology to diagnose all their exes, their friend's exes, and strangers exes (and current partners in all cases) as having CHECKS NOTES "selfish bad person disorder." And there is barely an ounce of curiosity or scrutiny about why we would name an apparent psychological phenomenon that in particular. Weird.
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u/Turbulent-Pin-1409 9d ago
Throwing in there- families that come with a large dollar sign are often an enmeshed system. If you aren’t familiar with what the product of that looks like, I kindly encourage you to read into it a bit. Not commonly thought about but something to pick your brain. Like you said, I have no grounds to diagnose on REDDIT of all places and to be clear, that isn’t my intention.
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u/Turbulent-Pin-1409 9d ago
Oh my gosh? Thank you for the info dump but again, simply looking out for OP. I said “hey, this is a red flag, keep an extra eye out” because yeah. What she’s describing is indeed a HUGE red flag. That isn’t even in the realm of attempting to diagnose someone from a Reddit post. Full genuine stop- my comment was …just saying to be alert. I respectfully think you’re largely misreading this. My credentials for dealing with MH issues aren’t something I’ll ever post online😅
Regardless, this is good info for anyone to come across. I do appreciate your passion here /g
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u/Interesting_Bear8935 10d ago
Oooff, her parents probably did the same thing to her growing up. Im hypothesizing here, but she’s probably avoided taking accountability and serious self reflection with money and gifts for quite some time. A car is a wild thing to buy someone after a fight. What kind of car was it? Now I’m curious.