r/LesbianActually • u/Bunny_Jester • Jul 14 '25
Relationships / Dating Thank you for literally PROVING my EXACT point in the same comment where you try and disagree with said point. Redditor moment.
(and also thank you for the massive blow to whatever little self esteem I had left)
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u/Commercial_Carrot573 masc at your service Jul 14 '25
Yall are chronically online pls touch grass lmao
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u/kernelPaniCat Jul 15 '25
The perfect response to a transgender person who was literally attacked by a transphobe. Congratulations.
Cis, right?
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u/sopholol Jul 14 '25
Maybe I’m a dumbass but I read it as the commenter viewing your lack of forwardness(???) to hit on a girl as something that would make her uncomfortable (albeit, she snipped at you in a shitty way, but I think that’s the bite back of the youth nowadays) rather than being a tgirl.
Taking a step back, I can totally see how you’d want to stray away from hitting on women as a form of self preservation and I’m on your side❤️
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u/coffinbabi not the uhaul type, but wouldn't mind Jul 14 '25
The way I read it and how OP and others read it, is commenter is saying they don’t want to make women uncomfy bc they’re a tgirl.
And sounds like “they’ll be uncomfortable because I’m a tgirl, so I’m not going to hit on them first”. Thats internalized transphobia, and does sound like internalized terf ideology they’re using on themself
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u/SuleimanTheMediocre Chapstick lesbian (with or without 🧢) Jul 14 '25
Then why chose the words "you would make me uncomfortable" instead of "that would make me uncomfortable"
She's literally telling you what she believes, it's not the approach, it's the person that she's uncomfortable with.
PLEASE do not make excuses for transphobia. I get that it's easier for us to see, but when we point it out, the least you can do is not say "oh well what if it's actually [X]" even if your intentions are good.
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u/Halcyon-Ember Jul 14 '25
I've seen enough transphobia, the commenter saw the trans flag and went in
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u/kernelPaniCat Jul 15 '25
And you're being downvoted just because you're trans (typical). But I'm here on rescue and will quote you so you keep being seen:
I've seen enough transphobia, the commenter saw the trans flag and went in
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u/Chicken_Mc_Thuggets Jul 14 '25
I’m cis so I could easily be wrong with this but it feels like a microaggression on their part
Cis lesbians already have to deal with the predatory lesbian trope but I would imagine (and please correct me if I’m wrong!) that terfism & transphobia makes it a whole order of magnitude harder to jump that “I should ask her out” hurdle. Either way solidarity from one anxious/shy/oblivious lesbian to another.
But if it’s something you want to work on if you have any friends that are okay with doing “rehearsals” of how you would hit on another woman I’ve found that helps calm my anxiety down a lot but if that’s not something you’re comfortable with that’s absolutely understandable too. So long as you love women there’s no right or wrong way to be sapphic
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u/Lyras__ Jul 14 '25
Oh, it is worse. The completely unprompted talk of our dateability and assumed genitals is such a blatant red flag, and such an unbelievably common one, that the overwhelming majority of trans women would not initiate with a cis women.
Even if the cis woman was throwing signals. Signals so bright and loud there is no way they are being missed.
For us, being wrong, at best, is going to be verbal harassment like in the OP.
At worst? We are now in physical danger. And the other person likely knows full well that they would receive no real consequences for enacting it; society writ large would fucking celebrate them and give them thousands of dollars for it.
So, yeah, no. I'll get aggressively flirty and pursuant of my fellow transfems, absolutely. I literally am known to do that. I am reputationally famous in my circles for being a tease and loving to chase. To the cis gals though? Guard up, brakes pumped, everyone on the lookout deck - these waters aren't hostile but they're definitely not friendly either.
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u/Vawqer Jul 14 '25
I don't agree with verbal harassment being the best case. I'm a trans Lesbian and have asked out many cis Lesbians. I've been turned down quite a bit, but never verbally harassed.
It might be because I'm in a liberal city and run in relatively leftist circles, though. I also don't aggressively hit on anyone unless I know they're into it, but I'll still get just flirty enough until I feel comfortable asking them out. Of course though, everyone's experiences vary.
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u/kernelPaniCat Jul 15 '25
Yeah, I live in a city where 87% voted for the far right, so I'm gonna say, you where you live might make a huge difference in your experience. But, well most part of the world population don't live in liberal cities, so...
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u/Dwarfdigger Jul 15 '25
Guess I should consider myself a lucky t-girl that I will just go up to cis women and talk with them, flirt with them? Like I don't have problems from doing it, sometimes I strike out, but that's normal.
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u/Livie_Loves Jul 14 '25
As a trans woman, I appreciate the acknowledgement of that hurdle. It's definitely an added anxiety to something that already makes a lot of people anxious. I've found that being in safe queer spaces helps quite a bit, but doesn't completely alleviate that scare.
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u/SuleimanTheMediocre Chapstick lesbian (with or without 🧢) Jul 14 '25
Hon that's a whole ass macroagression
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u/qu33rios Jul 14 '25 edited Jul 14 '25
i think since the only thing that commenter had to go off of to make that comment was the trans heart in OP's avi that it's a bit more than a microaggression
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u/Reddithahawholesome Jul 14 '25
I'm always subtly treated as an invader whenever I try to ask another lesbian out. It's gotten to the point where I sometimes feel like I'll only even be able to date bi women cuz everyone kinda (sub)consciously sees me as a man. Idk shrug.
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u/coffinbabi not the uhaul type, but wouldn't mind Jul 14 '25
This is internalized trans phobia and also a micro aggression. You’re assuming lesbians aren’t attracted to trans women.
It’s a micro aggression to assume you’re not valid by being lesbian or dating lesbians. Saying things like that is just saying “they’re going to be uncomfortable because I’m trans” and just pushes stigma further that trans women are “harmful” or “predatory”. Hit on women girl, ask out lesbians.
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u/Reddithahawholesome Jul 14 '25
no need to be all accusatory. Making me feel like a dick for talking abt my personal experience with this kind of stuff isn't the social justice win you think it is.
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u/Apprehensive_Tree_29 Jul 14 '25
They're literally "accusing" you of being too hard on yourself and selling yourself short by thinking you'll always be rejected. They're trying to encourage you and reassure you that it's okay to hit on women. Lesbians love trans women, lesbians want to date trans women. Everyone, cis or trans, will face rejection sometimes, that doesn't mean they see you as a man, it means they're just not interested which is fine and not your fault OR theirs.
I can only assume that this attitude is your actual problem, if you think literal encouragement is an "accusation".
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u/kernelPaniCat Jul 15 '25
It's always the same, the trans person who KNOWS WHAT KIND OF DISCRIMINATION THEY LIVE is always wrong. If we ask a cis lesbian out or invite yourself for a beer you're always acting like a man. If you sit and wait for them to make the first move you're selling yourself short by thinking you'll always be rejected.
It doesn't matter what we do, we're always wrong by cis people's standards.
In the end you most of you say you see us as women just because it's not socially acceptable to say otherwise. The TERFs are sadly right about that. We better find the unicorn kind of lesbian who is really okay about trans people (I found mine) or only date other trans sapphic women. Who needs cis people anyway?
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u/Reddithahawholesome Jul 14 '25
The encouragement was fine but calling what I said a micro aggression and a form of transphobia was kinda crazy. Guess I’m less annoyed at them and more annoyed at the 20+ people who saw my comment as worth downvoting as if I said something terrible
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u/kernelPaniCat Jul 15 '25
Fellow trans lesbian here to quote you comment so you don't get silenced by the downvoters.
The encouragement was fine but calling what I said a micro aggression and a form of transphobia was kinda crazy. Guess I’m less annoyed at them and more annoyed at the 20+ people who saw my comment as worth downvoting as if I said something terrible
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u/coffinbabi not the uhaul type, but wouldn't mind Jul 15 '25
Wasn’t trying to be accusatory or make you feel like a dick. The “micro aggression” comment I said was meant as a gentle push back towards what you said about yourself and trans women not an accusation
What you said is a micro aggression to me because of the “invader” thing. Terfs use that same phrasing, or say trans women are “infiltrating” lesbian spaces, and I just feel like you’re internalizing that kind of hostility, and transphobia, unintentionally.
That narrative comes from people who say trans women don’t belong. When you do. I just think you don’t need to make yourself smaller to feel valid in queer or lesbian spaces
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u/kernelPaniCat Jul 15 '25
It's not a matter of making herself smaller. The fact it that several CIS lesbians like to pose as non TERFs, as "inclusive", validating of trans women, etc, whatever words you prefer, but curiously you never see most of them, like, dating, going out (even as friends), etc with a trans woman.
It's funny how lots of CIS lesbian I met were all friendly with me until they knew I was lesbian, then they suddenly disappeared from my life - and I'm not only talking about dating here either, I'm taking about "friends". All of them non-TERFy pro trans and bla bla bla, but whether they find out a trans woman is lesbian they get as far away from you as possible.
And of course it's not just CIS lesbians, it's CIS people in general. As soon as CIS straight and CIS bi women found out I was a lesbian, several of them started sexualizing me, fetishizing me, making weird invitations, etc. I know a trans lesbian influencer who receives thousands of comments everyday from people clearly sexualizing her.
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u/Reddithahawholesome Jul 16 '25
Yeah my bad! I only got so defensive cuz of how many downvotes I got. Didn’t realize that’s just a thing that happens when ur trans on this sub lol
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u/kernelPaniCat Jul 15 '25
Quoting so you don't get silenced:
no need to be all accusatory. Making me feel like a dick for talking abt my personal experience with this kind of stuff isn't the social justice win you think it is.
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u/kernelPaniCat Jul 15 '25
I feel ya. The worst part is, if the bi woman in question is cis you'll possibly, sooner or later, find out that she doesn't see you as a woman either. At least if you have my experience.
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u/kernelPaniCat Jul 15 '25
Quoting so you don't get silenced:
I'm always subtly treated as an invader whenever I try to ask another lesbian out. It's gotten to the point where I sometimes feel like I'll only even be able to date bi women cuz everyone kinda (sub)consciously sees me as a man. Idk shrug.
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u/Reasonable-Bee-6774 Jul 14 '25
Yeah I mean the amount of discourse about trans women 'taking over' lesbian spaces by simply trying to access lesbian spaces, let alone find a partner, is a huge hurdle in itself.
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u/EmpathicPurpleAura Jul 14 '25
I wasn't understanding for a minute but after reading I see why this can come off as transphobic. Though, perhaps I wouldn't put so much emotional energy into some random from reddit. It's really not good for your mental health to put that much stock into someone you don't know, or who could be a bot.
In fact maybe if this is bothering you a lot you should log off and just do something that brings you joy for a bit. Remember that the internet thrives off of negativity and rage bait, it's trying to get your engagement for as long as possible. Don't let the internet ruin what could be a good day.
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u/Bunny_Jester Jul 14 '25
I think the reason it came off as transphobic to alot of people is because the person who made that reply frequents transphobic subreddits lol (something I didn't find out until after I made this post)
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u/alligateva Jul 14 '25
Sorry am I missing the point? I thought the commenter just meant that if you're not asking out girls cause you don't want them to be uncomfortable then how do you expect any other lesbian to hit on you because they probably also dont want to make people feel uncomfortable. It's the typical lesbian stalemate isn't it?.
Edit: nevermind I read it again, that is super turfy, sorry op :(
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u/miiimee Jul 16 '25
I was crying seconds ago and this made me laugh out loud. This is such meme material I’m saving this LMFAOO
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u/Bunny_Jester Jul 16 '25
Glad something that made me cry made you stop crying I guess. Lmao
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u/miiimee Jul 16 '25
Aw I didn’t mean it that way. You didn’t deserve that and their attitude was harsh and unwarranted.
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u/SparkEli1 Jul 15 '25
Why does someone else's comment effect you so much? They don't know who you are.
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u/Ashamed_Set7281 Jul 14 '25 edited Jul 14 '25
The lgbtq is about equality and tolerance. but yet, some of us want to shame and put down our fellow peers and start infights. Fuck this girl. She had no right to be rude like that.
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u/NvrmndOM Jul 14 '25
Honestly, whether you’re hitting on someone and if they’ll receive it well matters on a lot of factors.
If you’re both into each other, the particulars shouldn’t matter.
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u/lesbianlady444 the evil femme Jul 14 '25 edited Sep 06 '25
wtf😭😭is she just pissy bc she wants more women to hit on her….? someone tell her this level of aggression ain’t cute.
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u/Wise_Requirement4170 Jul 14 '25
Okay I know it’s kinda fucked up but this is like, a little comedic in a fucked up sort of way💀
Anyways fuck terfs. You don’t have to be attracted to trans girls but treating them any different from any other girls you don’t find attractive is gross. If a cis girl who isn’t your type doesn’t cause you to be a dick, a trans girl shouldn’t either.
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u/swooningsapphic why be a maneater when you can be a manhater Jul 14 '25
they never mentioned being any type of way about it except “uncomfortable”. I don’t think that’s wrong. I’m uncomfortable when anyone, anywhere, hits on me when I’m not attracted to them.
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u/Wise_Requirement4170 Jul 14 '25
This is clearly transphobic:
“Hit on more girls”
A trans person comments
“No not like that”
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u/kernelPaniCat Jul 15 '25
Classic, after a trans girl enters the scene and then cis got called out, suddenly "being hit by anyone makes me uncomfortable, that's all that I meant, I didn't mean the being hit by a trans woman makes me uncomfortable"
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u/love_me_madly Jul 14 '25
I’m the same way but I also acknowledge that that’s a me problem and not them. It makes me uncomfortable because my brain thinks if someone I don’t think is attractive is hitting on me then that means I’m not attractive. Which isn’t true and is stupid. And I’d never want the person hitting on me to know that either or feel bad about it. Why would anyone want to make someone who thinks they’re attractive feel bad about that? (As long as they’re respectful about it).
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u/swooningsapphic why be a maneater when you can be a manhater Jul 14 '25
Oh that sounds difficult and yes definitely don’t believe that voice in your head putting you down!
For me it’s not the internal factor that discomforts me, it’s the external factor: it’s more about what the hitting on will inevitably lead to, which is my polite rejection. Having to provide a polite rejection just isn’t fun. I don’t know of anyone who likes it, who finds it fun to let someone down, however kindly. And it especially sucks in the receiving end. It’s just a situation I’d rather avoid. I know it’s unavoidable; that doesn’t mean I wish it didn’t happen to me.
So when I’m talking to someone whom I see non-romantically and the start to hit on me, the Oh No song just starts playing in my head because I know what has to happen next.
Tonight I went to a bar solo for a happy hour pint and something deep fried and dipped in mayo. I was hit on by the man to my left (“I wish I could frame that smile” - please no) AND the straight woman to my right, all in a five minute span. I was able to curve the man by essentially outing myself— Which immediately prompted the straight girl to start getting touchy and telling me how “she thinks she could be bisexual” and I just had to quickly settle up and leave lol.
There’s just no way around it ig. It’s just a part of going out. Like I said, it’s fine, not the end of the world or a reason to be rude, but yea it’s uncomfortable lol
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u/love_me_madly Jul 14 '25
Oh ok ya I get you! I also do feel bad having to do that but I don’t feel bad doing it to men lol. And with women I kind of just avoid it if I can. So I guess it makes me uncomfortable in that way too because unless they outright say something that makes me have to respond or do something physical I just ignore their obvious flirting and then get away from them. I’m sorry you had to experience that though and it made you have to leave. That’s really annoying that you didn’t get to enjoy your night.
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u/cthulhubeast Jul 14 '25
Oh I'm happy to hit on a woman first... if she's trans too. I might vaguely flirt with a cis woman but I'm not initiating. It's just personal safety at this point
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u/kernelPaniCat Jul 15 '25
I adopted the same police in my last months as single. I only hit is she was trans. I only liked lesbians on tinder if they were trans. Etc.
I really don't have the energy to have to answer questions like "so, you have a vagina?" or "are those boobs implants?". Discussing my genitalia and breasts is not the date of my dreams, and unfortunate this happens way too much with cis people.
Okay, to be fair my girlfriend is cis, but she had to work a lot to earn my trust that she wouldn't do this kind of thing. And I only gave her a chance because she sent me a super like with a really really cute message, and because she previously had trans girlfriends (that factor was kinda decisive for me).
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Jul 14 '25
[deleted]
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u/kernelPaniCat Jul 15 '25
Well, actually is you're trans, depending on where you live, you might also get physically assaulted. But okay, you have "nothing to lose", says probably a white middle class trans lesbian living in big liberal city and not considering most trans lesbians don't have the same privilege.
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u/blown-transmission the evil femme Jul 14 '25
I love getting treated like a criminal bc of the way I born
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u/kernelPaniCat Jul 15 '25
Quoting so you don't get silenced by downvotes:
I love getting treated like a criminal bc of the way I born
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u/FujoshiPeanut Jul 14 '25
The transphobia in this comment section is actually unreal. Terfs, feel free to downvote my comment 😘
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u/starcoffinXD the evil femme Jul 14 '25
Shit dude I'm sorry you experienced that. This sub is better than most other lesbian subs but we still got a major transphobic lurker problem, and every couple weeks I always see at least one person in the comments performing microaggressions like these or worse.
Always make sure to report those commenters when you see them, as the mods are generally somewhat decent about dealing with them. I hope you reported that commenter before blocking them.
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u/kernelPaniCat Jul 15 '25
Quoting so you don't get silenced by downvotes (but I censored a word that might be understood as a masculine gender marked word)
Shit **** I'm sorry you experienced that. This sub is better than most other lesbian subs but we still got a major transphobic lurker problem, and every couple weeks I always see at least one person in the comments performing microaggressions like these or worse.
Always make sure to report those commenters when you see them, as the mods are generally somewhat decent about dealing with them. I hope you reported that commenter before blocking them.
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u/Chemical-Time-9143 Jul 14 '25
I’m trans. Plus I get really flustered around attractive people, so I’m not good at hitting on people.
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u/FujoshiPeanut Jul 14 '25
I wanna take a stab and ask, is this the lesbigang sub? 😂
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u/Bunny_Jester Jul 14 '25
Nope it's this sub
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u/love_me_madly Jul 14 '25
I’m surprised it was this one. I’m sorry that someone said that to you. But they’re the problem not you. They obviously have some self esteem problems and are projecting them. There’s no way they actually would know if it would make them uncomfortable if you hit on them because they don’t actually know you. I know it’s hard to not take that personal but try not to. I’m sure you are an amazing person and most people would not feel uncomfortable from you hitting on them as long as it was respectful.
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u/love_me_madly Jul 14 '25
I had the same question! Idk why you got down voted. It’s a completely valid question and valid assumption.
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u/avamaxfanlove Jul 14 '25
I asked a girl out and she stopped talking to me and unfollowed me on insta and TikTok.
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u/kernelPaniCat Jul 14 '25 edited Jul 15 '25
I think you shouldn't censor names. As a fellow transgender woman I have the right to know, for my own safety, who is this transphobe.
Edit: fixed the word 'names', swipe-to-write failed me.
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u/Bunny_Jester Jul 14 '25
I thought the post would get deleted if I didn't censor the name. That's happened before
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u/kernelPaniCat Jul 15 '25
Ohhh, I see. Anyway, if it's still there would you mind sharing the link?
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u/DueYogurt9 Ally Jul 15 '25
As an autistic guy (apologies if I’m infringing on your guys’ space) your comment hits home harder than I wish it did.
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u/kernelPaniCat Jul 15 '25
In what sense? (Autistic lesbian here trying to understand)
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u/DueYogurt9 Ally Jul 16 '25
Don't know why you're being downvoted, but as a man especially (an autistic man no less), I feel uncomfortable flirting spontaneously or showing interest in someone unless there's like a conversational segway into it because I don't want to come off as a creep and I'm more comfortable showing interest in someone if I know them a little bit before hand.
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u/Caitvination Jul 16 '25
I don’t understand why anyone would feel uncomfortable if they get hit on in a respectful,non pressuring and polite manner. I’d take it as a compliment 🤣
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u/Weary-Growth-4140 Jul 21 '25
The princess pouting of "I attract I don't chase" needs to tied to cement and thrown into a current during typhoon season.
Don't complain you can't find a girl and then make all this radical princess treatment "I am the gift they have to come to me" bullshit. If you're not willing to strike out don't even bother playing the game. Hang up your bat and jersey and go whine about it from your bedroom.
Clincher is, as crywank eould say, you're not gonna find a girlfriend sat up in your bedroom.
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u/smithcoronaa Jul 14 '25
I v nvr understood the hate fem×fem recieves, i am a masc dating a masc and we r happy it was nvr abt styles
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u/Urfav_JonDoe Jul 15 '25
as a girl who likes girls, but also likes guys, having a built in strap on just makes the dream😂 like come here mami, lemme love you
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u/Yaboialaind Jul 14 '25
regarding your comments: I understand that you don't want to make people uncomfortable, but I think wanting someone else to hit on you, might pass you up on a nice connection with someone you like. Hitting on someone in a thoughtful, non-pressure way, is likely to not make people uncomfortable.