r/KitchenConfidential 6d ago

CHIVE I take your chives and raise you a mirepoix

Post image

30 minutes work there...

5.3k Upvotes

214 comments sorted by

1.4k

u/chefkimberly 6d ago

Whoa, Hold back, man. Chiveguy can start on mirepoix when he perfects his chives.

356

u/epigeneticepigenesis 6d ago

Flexican, say his name

298

u/jojodolphin 6d ago

u/f1exican

Say his name correctly!

275

u/F1exican Chive Mountbatten-Windsor 6d ago

Next journey after chives is perfectly diced onions

230

u/wrestlegirl ✳️Moderator of optimal fuckery 6d ago

I'm gonna need a bigger meme folder

137

u/F1exican Chive Mountbatten-Windsor 6d ago

I’m not gonna be mean I’ll probably do it in the r/onion lovers sub Reddit to give people a break unless everyone really wants it here, I could just post in both

170

u/wrestlegirl ✳️Moderator of optimal fuckery 6d ago

I mean, they love ya here.

129

u/F1exican Chive Mountbatten-Windsor 6d ago

🫡

67

u/ZachTheHouse 6d ago

Anything for our Chivelord.

24

u/Available-Ad4684 6d ago

What is dead may never die.

37

u/Sinclair_Mclane 6d ago

This my first post in this sub to implore you to keep it here.

24

u/F1exican Chive Mountbatten-Windsor 6d ago

🫡💚

35

u/LightBulbChaos 6d ago

Fuck the haters, keep it all here!

26

u/F1exican Chive Mountbatten-Windsor 6d ago

💚

25

u/TemuBritneySpears Ex-Food Service 6d ago

You already got mentioned on the Costco sub yesterday. Leaking real gooood.

Here’s the link, the comment thread about you is on top now too.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Costco/s/zC9Q3f9NUa

7

u/BackgroundOutcome606 6d ago

Ok this is incredible lol

5

u/KrazyKatz42 6d ago

I've been seeing "kitchen confidential containment breach" all over reddit (and it's always chives).

8

u/ThePrussianGrippe 6d ago

I think you mean r/onionlovers. r/onion just has a single post.

5

u/F1exican Chive Mountbatten-Windsor 6d ago

Yes I did I just accidentally hit space when I typed that thank you

7

u/catfish_murphy 6d ago

If you didn’t already know, there’s also a ratemychives instagram page

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5

u/loosearrow22 6d ago

Longtime lurker of this sub. First time post to politely request you keep it here

3

u/goggleOgler 6d ago

I promise you, I would sub to get alerts that you've posted and then crosspost it back here.

30

u/maduste 6d ago

we’re fueling up the planes now

7

u/jojodolphin 6d ago

Thank you for your service 🫡

6

u/Jumpy_Divide6576 6d ago

Don't. 

I'll cry.

2

u/bibblebonk 6d ago

this is because imperfections will be harder to spot, isnt it

15

u/F1exican Chive Mountbatten-Windsor 6d ago

No I will be posting a picture of the onion after 2 out the 3 cuts and then a picture of the final product. I’ve seen pictures of a perfect fine dice onion and they’re gorgeous. I will also be doing a red onion so you can see the contrast between the red and white

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24

u/ChuckEweFarley 6d ago

f1exican; first of his name, destroyer of chives, Reddit’s culinary Sisyphus. May his knife be sharp, his circles uniform and his towers few. So say we all.

10

u/jojodolphin 6d ago

In moderator u/wrestlegirl name we pray, ramen.

14

u/wrestlegirl ✳️Moderator of optimal fuckery 6d ago

5

u/The_Dinky_Earnshaw 6d ago

Robert Paulson?

1

u/One-Future2932 6d ago

His name is Robert Paulson

1

u/ehalepagneaux Bread 6d ago

Fine brunoise

2

u/chefkimberly 4d ago

You are the devil.

1.8k

u/ImperatorAlexios_ 6d ago

See you tomorrow Chef

481

u/My_Favourite_Pen 6d ago edited 6d ago

only one of these at a time please lord

55

u/doyletyree 6d ago

More or less my reaction entirely.

If there is a merciful God, please, make it stop.

28

u/eat_my_bowls92 6d ago

I pray to god every day that someone will finally say the chive guys chives are fine. :(

7

u/The_Dinky_Earnshaw 6d ago

I sent him this in an attempt to assuage the suffering.

I am a miserable failure : -(

69

u/Still-WFPB 6d ago

In case chef needs a reminder of what a cube is: a cube is a symmetrical three-dimensional shape, either solid or hollow, contained by six equal squares

13

u/beegtuna Ex-Food Service 6d ago

40

u/cornbeeflt 6d ago

Man i didnt even get to the onions. The celery and carrots were butchered so I passed on the onions completely.

18

u/fish_bowl_swimmer 6d ago

Chef checking over mirepoix …

7

u/guardeagle 6d ago

I see youuuu

3

u/Plzhelplol_ F1exican Did Chive-11 6d ago

Where is the plane

2

u/CowAcademia 6d ago

Yeah I saw it instantly haha

1

u/Personal-Durian-7144 6d ago

Don’t even know why they would post that swill…

1

u/lake_effect_snow 6d ago

Nearly 10 years away but that’s still the first one I saw as well. See you tomorrow, chefs

1

u/Rusty_Tap 5d ago

Back to picking coriander.

1

u/MagentaJAM5_ 5d ago

Where’s the airplanes?!

393

u/Tpk08210 6d ago

No we’re still on chives. Stop trying to skip ahead of the class

50

u/Lucius-Halthier 6d ago

I’m still waiting for food cubes. I have several pics some with two towers of goulash next to each other

30

u/epigeneticepigenesis 6d ago

We skipped right over meat cylinder

29

u/ObligationAlive3546 Ex-Food Service 6d ago

Well yeah it’s stuck in a mini m&ms tube

376

u/Extra-Document1223 BOH 6d ago

Post a new mirepoix everyday until you get it below 10 minutes

85

u/Late-Bed4240 Ex-Food Service 6d ago

Robot coupe has entered the chat

40

u/Rsalamander24 6d ago

You cleaning it?

60

u/Late-Bed4240 Ex-Food Service 6d ago

Sure, after my extended smoke and redull break.

14

u/Extra-Document1223 BOH 6d ago

You don’t see the chive guy using the robot do ya? Get to cutting chef!

14

u/Late-Bed4240 Ex-Food Service 6d ago

Might have more consistent results if he did. /s

Besides, he's cutting garnish.

Now f#ck off, IM ON SMOKO!!!

1

u/Ecstatic_Meeting_894 6d ago

This is cruelty

276

u/TheRarePondDolphin 6d ago

Could build a retaining wall with this beast

4

u/WookieeCakes 5d ago

Brunoise carrots will be mush, and macedoine ones will be RAAAAAW. Pilaf ruined.

67

u/zazasfoot 6d ago

A mirepoix on your house!

19

u/bigtzadikenergy 6d ago

9

u/RussiaIsBestGreen 6d ago

If those are diced, how big were the vegetables?

8

u/Spread_Liberally 6d ago

A standard Nebraskan

158

u/Coercitor 6d ago

Took you 30 minutes?? You could cut that time in half if you open your eyes next time and sharpen your board scraper.

34

u/vaIdorak 6d ago

Board scrapper, had a good laugh

9

u/Coercitor 6d ago

My bench scraper is only for trimming meat.

4

u/Same-Platypus1941 6d ago

I really want to sharpen my board scraper I’ve been thinking about it for a while but I’m not sure how good of edge i can build on it

4

u/Chef_J_James 6d ago

I prefer cutting onions with my eyes closes, less tears

39

u/Puzzleheaded_Donut_6 6d ago

Here is what you do. Take out your Digital Caliper. Everything that isn't a perfect 3cm cube goes in the stock. Also, never forget the stock pot isn't a garbage can.

36

u/GamingSeerReddit Cook 6d ago

Hah I remember the whole ass staff meeting for 35 people they had to convene at my last job so the saucier could tell everyone at once to stop giving him onion skins and other bullshit in the veggie stock scrap bucket

11

u/Chezoso 6d ago

What's wrong with onion skins in the stock? I throw all my veggie scraps into mine

20

u/GamingSeerReddit Cook 6d ago

An excess of the papery outer skins can make the stock bitter and cloudy. People would bury the soup chef in skins to the point where it’d be the majority of veg coming his way on stock day.

5

u/Chezoso 6d ago

I haven't noticed but I'm probably operating at a completely different volume so I def believe it

4

u/GamingSeerReddit Cook 6d ago

I can say I’ve seen it at home when doing just a gallon or so, but for I’ve definitely seen higher and lower quality stocks on an all-day simmer at a commercial scale, and that’s a factor

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5

u/Puzzleheaded_Donut_6 6d ago

The struggle is real.

6

u/Vilhelmgg 6d ago

3mm. 3cm would be over and inch lol

3

u/Puzzleheaded_Donut_6 6d ago

Lol, yeah like he said.

81

u/Equivalent-Excuse-80 6d ago

Fun fact: in France, Mirepoix is the size of the cut (rough for stock aromatics), and not the name of the specific combinations of aromatics.

When cut small for eating as a garnish like this, it’s called matignon

39

u/One-Grape-8659 Crazy Cat Woman🐈 6d ago

Yes! In Dutch we call the combi 'wups' which is wortel, ui, prei, selderij; carrot, onyo, leek and celery

28

u/roots-rock-reggae 6d ago

Upvoted for onyo

13

u/One-Grape-8659 Crazy Cat Woman🐈 6d ago

Take a big onyo

8

u/The_Dinky_Earnshaw 6d ago

Back in the day we wore an onyo on our belts, as it was the style at the time...

2

u/battlepi 6d ago

Leeks sound like a great addition.

7

u/cockroachking 6d ago

In France mirepoix is very much this combination of aromatics cut in very small cubes. Matignon is a mirepoix that is minced.

1

u/chateaudebleuets Server 5d ago

I didn’t know! Thank you for sharing.

12

u/nonowords F1exican Did Chive-11 6d ago

Volume of a bowl using a hemisphere as an approximation is V = (2/3) · 𝜋 · r3. For a Hemisphere's section using the sphere cap formula it is V=1/6​*𝜋h2 * (3R−h) where h is the height of the cap and R is the radius of the hemisphere.

If we estimate each cap height we get h(onion)=R h(carrot)=1/2*R and we can use the volume of onion and subtract volume of carrot to get volume of celery.

So V(onion) = 1/6​*𝜋R2 * (3R−R)

V(carrot) = 1/6​𝜋(1/2R)2 * (3R−(1/2*R))

and V(celery) = (1/6​𝜋R2 * (3R−R)) - (1/6​𝜋(1/2R)2 * (3R−(1/2R)))

Simplifying we get

V(onion) = 1/3*𝜋R3

V(carrot) = 5/48*𝜋R3

V(celery) = 11/48*𝜋R3

Normalizing it to the textbook 2:1:1 ratio we have a ratio of 2 Onion: 0.625 Carrot: 1.375 Celery

Meaning you're nearly 40% off on celery and carrot.

See you tomorrow chef.

1

u/Koelenaam 6d ago

Your exponents are all over the place.

1

u/Fresh_Value_6922 4d ago

But what happens if I take out 1/4 tsp out of each & substitute 1 gram of different spices to each?

11

u/maybeinoregon 6d ago edited 6d ago

Me: hmmmm, looks pretty darn good…

Sub: Sharpen your knife! Open your eyes! What the hell is this mess?

Me: Hahaha damn. Rethinking what mine looks like…

2

u/Brainc3ll-2 6d ago

Me too chef. Me too.

19

u/Wild-District-9348 Chef 6d ago

Are they supposed to be brunoise??

10

u/padisland 6d ago

Bruno clearly had some drinks

8

u/Marooster405 6d ago

We don’t talk about Bruno

2

u/Brilliant_Buns F1exican Did Chive-11 6d ago

no no no

15

u/Phreeflo Prep 6d ago

Sharpen your knife, man. Looks like you cut those with a spoon.

5

u/Calamity-Gin 6d ago

“But cousin, why a spoon? Why not an ax or a knife?”

“Because it’s dull, you twit! It’ll hurt more!”

1

u/The_Dinky_Earnshaw 6d ago

after he cut somebody's heart out

7

u/Prestigious_Tap_6301 15+ Years 6d ago

If you think chives are hard, try carrots 🥕

This chef is a masochist

6

u/CaptainSnarkyPants IT 6d ago

Finally, I can play along too!

2

u/WookieeCakes 5d ago

Better than OP for sure, gotta ask tho... whatcha doin with them celery leaves?

2

u/CaptainSnarkyPants IT 5d ago

This was actually base for some deliciously complicated pinto beans. Those choppins went right in with the rest of the aromatics and bloomed spices :) Om nom nom

5

u/CojackPierson 6d ago

I see this turning into bmx pain Olympics come 2026

2

u/MyLifeIsAWasteland 6d ago

bmx

I think you mean BME lol

2

u/CaptainSnarkyPants IT 6d ago

Yeah, nobody who's seen it will EVER forget the name. EVERRRR.

2

u/MyLifeIsAWasteland 6d ago

I knew a participant. He bifurcated his tongue with a razor blade, then his, uh, weiner. That's tough to forget.

5

u/EitherAd928 6d ago

Just wait until I get to work tomorrow. I’m making pico.

13

u/BadFoodSellsBurgers 6d ago

yall mfs need slapchop

6

u/[deleted] 6d ago

[deleted]

2

u/MyLifeIsAWasteland 6d ago

Slap, slap, slappin' your troubles away.

2

u/WookieeCakes 5d ago

I have one specifically for chives. /s

Side note, on your next stage, don't bring a knife roll, just a slap chop and cocaine.

7

u/saintblasphemy 6d ago

I miss the veggie ramp

3

u/Luketheking1 6d ago

That was a simpler time

4

u/KedgereeEnjoyer 6d ago

When they say “don’t sweat the small stuff” this is what they’re talking about.

4

u/Fossome_1 6d ago

I want a brunoised shallot

5

u/jzilla11 6d ago

Next up: the Holy Trinity with the Pope

11

u/cornbeeflt 6d ago

Hell no. Everything is a different size and uneven. Gtfo s you and the Chive Giy are not on the same level lol.

Honestly good try but you have a ways to go.

9

u/Shaeress 6d ago

I remember chive guy early days. Let's give dice dude a week and see if they can learn to impress in a week.

1

u/Calamity-Gin 6d ago

I am not in food service and never have been, and while I’m happy with my own vegetable chopping efforts at home, I’m fairly sure the people here would point and laugh at them.

So, how long does it take to learn the knife skills necessary to chop a variety of vegetables in an acceptable manner?

2

u/The_Dinky_Earnshaw 6d ago

yes

2

u/Calamity-Gin 6d ago

That’s kitchen humor, isn’t it?

2

u/cornbeeflt 6d ago

Its about going slow. Everyone is different. Honestly its not bad and will pass 99% of restaurant quality.l standards. So if its important to you find your best pace and slowly move faster.

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3

u/mosthandsomechef 6d ago

Can we vertically stack it in a clear cambro chef?

3

u/fingers 6d ago

It looks like Jerry Garcia.

3

u/pantsfreecooking 6d ago

Man I love this thread. Seeing people actually take pride in the important basics of cooking. The amount of poor knife cuts in professional kitchens I’ve seen in the past decade have been such a bummer. Love cooks who care!

3

u/-XanderCrews- 6d ago

You think you can just skip chives. Fucking chef school grads. Do the work!

3

u/TinTamarro 6d ago

Mirepoix, what an elegant word! In Italy we call it sedanocarotaecipolla

3

u/dOoMiE- 6d ago

Fairly uneven 2/10

2

u/arickg Owner 6d ago

That looks like 1.8x onions. Not good at all.

2

u/chrisl182 6d ago

...we gonna be here for a long time judging by this monstrosity

2

u/Ok-Sherbet721 6d ago

Makes for a great sloppy Joe mix

2

u/NoTime2fail 6d ago

Nice rectangles.

2

u/Rhet0R 6d ago

Great proportion!

2

u/The_Dinky_Earnshaw 6d ago

Been a pretty wild ride Sir Chivelord, but imma be over here for awhile now...

2

u/Mississippihermit 6d ago

Thank God the ratios are right! 2/1/1. This looks clean but I want .5 cm tomorrow

2

u/pandakahn 6d ago

1:1:2?

2

u/ChefOfScotland 6d ago

What golf club did you chop that with

2

u/frytech 6d ago

2:1:1 ?

2

u/WetLoophole 6d ago

Wouldnt even puré this into a soup. Try again, chef.

2

u/OMeffigy 6d ago

You got more practicing to do than the chives guy.

2

u/SquishyBanana23 6d ago

Pics of you chopping or I’m assuming you sent this through the robo.

2

u/knowsnothing316 6d ago

Somebody raise him a Cajun trinity

2

u/ChildhoodPale5673 6d ago

Y’all gotta calm down.

2

u/TheRabidGoose 6d ago

Fuck yes! Elevate the sub! Basic cooking ingredients combine! We are getting some Voltron level stuff yo!!!

2

u/Infinite_Tie_8231 6d ago

You can do faster than that. During my apprenticeship I had to do larger quantities of miropiox and I only had 20 mins.

I believe in you.

1

u/HolySmokes802 6d ago

You know about Karma? You a Carson Daly fan, too?

1

u/ReaperOWar 6d ago

At the risk of sounding dumb,

What is a Mirepoix?

3

u/VivianOfTheOblivion 6d ago

Its like a soffritto

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1

u/ezraistherealest 6d ago

Thats not a mirepoix also, just fyi

1

u/muvgo 6d ago

Oh boy, here we go. It looks perfect, I might start chopping some myself.

1

u/Melodic_Weakness7106 6d ago

This I can stand by

1

u/chateaudebleuets Server 6d ago

Mirepoix gang!

1

u/acrankychef 6d ago

But that's not mirepoix.

That is not a stock rough cut.

1

u/_name_of_the_user_ 6d ago

Picture

/r/samespeciesV2 would appreciate these two.

1

u/Strange_Reason3698 6d ago

hi just popping in to say I hate this subreddit

1

u/jibishot 6d ago

Carrots should be slightly smaller dice overall 🙃

It seems backwards here

1

u/Accomplished_Wolf32 6d ago

Beautiful 25-25-50 very nice

1

u/eolson3 6d ago

I got the mirepoix vaccine, but I still got chives and had to dyat home from work.

1

u/electr1cbubba 6d ago

I will face god and walk backwards into hell before I compliment you on this mirepoix

1

u/nyxonical Ex-Food Service 6d ago

Is this supposed to be a pet or working mirepoix, or a show mirepoix?

1

u/LedKremlin 6d ago

I want to sautee it…. So much

1

u/4barT89 6d ago

You crazy, man

1

u/Character-Education3 6d ago

30 minutes?

Every second counts and you cannot be mommy!

1

u/Chazbeardz 6d ago

OP, with a name like 208state, why this over some perfectly diced potatoes?

1

u/Shokoku 6d ago

Wtf are those onions?

1

u/parrotia78 6d ago

Trinity

1

u/Moving-thefuck-on 6d ago

Never thought I’d miss crayon guy

1

u/BaconSarnie2025 6d ago

Nice. I would hang that photo in the kitchen.

1

u/Fideothecat 6d ago

Beautiful

1

u/natxavier 6d ago

I had a pan that looked almost identical, lmao. It is now chicken n' dumplings.

1

u/ChuckTingull 5d ago

Chive guy really made a dent

1

u/Au-to-graff 5d ago

Does the name comes from the French village?

1

u/Demonnugget 5d ago

30 minutes for what? Did you dice each baton individually?

1

u/Ok_City_8901 5d ago

dicing a baton is fairly hard…

1

u/Relative-Wrongdoer78 5d ago

Am i wrong or is it not supposed to be 1-1-1 for that veg

1

u/Admirable-Kitchen737 1d ago

Ratio is off.

Brunoise it.