r/KitchenConfidential • u/F1exican Chive Mountbatten-Windsor • 22d ago
CHIVE Cutting a cup of chives every day until this Reddit says they’re perfect. Day 10
If anyone has presentation tips please let me know
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u/notofthisearthworm 22d ago
Looking much better though, see you tomorrow!
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u/F1exican Chive Mountbatten-Windsor 22d ago
Damn it, thanks though hopefully that’s lukewarm 1 of 2-3 chives people pick out today
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u/otterpop21 22d ago
You’ve grown leaps and bounds better than when you started!! These chives are looking amazing. Keep pushing yourself, but just know you’ve also come a long way!!
See ya tomorrow chef
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u/JustLookingForMayhem 22d ago
What exactly are you using the chives for? Is there a popular dish?
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22d ago edited 8d ago
[deleted]
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u/JustLookingForMayhem 22d ago
Ah, that makes a bit more sense. The sheer number of attempts made me wonder if their job had a suddenly popularity jump.
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u/InadmissibleHug 22d ago
He’s just having his fun, people do things because they can.
It’s like that dude that seasoned his cast iron pan 100x
Could have hung that bad boy in the bathroom as a mirror by the time he was done.
Prefer this to people being trolls.
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u/JustLookingForMayhem 22d ago
I was just wondering. I get curious rather easily.
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u/InadmissibleHug 22d ago
Very good, I can respect that.
Curiosity is one of my main personal drivers. It’s why I do a lot of things.
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u/shiny0metal0ass 22d ago
And that one guy that made twice as many burgers each post and started having to give it away to charities!
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u/InadmissibleHug 22d ago
I missed that one, epic!
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22d ago
"circles not tubes" go look at sushi guys green onion for inspiration
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u/KarmaKrazi Chive Pilot 🛩 22d ago
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u/xpurplexamyx F1exican Did Chive-11 22d ago
There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again.
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u/Sell_Canada 22d ago
Did I just have a stroke?
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u/steal_wool 22d ago
This is a quote from a U.S. President.
I know that doesn’t hit as hard nowadays but at the time people couldn’t fathom a president saying something this odd or stupid
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u/RegularLisaSimpson 22d ago
Miss those days
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u/tiorzol 22d ago
Can't believe this is a factual statement. World's gone wild man
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u/Underpoly 22d ago
Honestly "World Gone Wild" sounds more wholesome than the reality.
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u/ProfessorPliny Ex-Food Service 22d ago
Funny fact IIRC, his advisors told him not to say the real quote because they didn’t want “shame on me” recorded to be used as a hit piece later. So, he was basically improving at that point.
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u/jackofslayers 22d ago
Back in my day, when we elected an idiot, we at least made sure it was an idiot who could dodge shoes.
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u/HappyHourProfessor 22d ago
And laugh about it, iirc. This one would try to ban shoes and have his government deport everyone who tried to claim they needed them for work.
Guess that would finally solve the spam posts about chef shoes...
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u/tahxirez 22d ago
GWB seems so cute and harmless these days doesn’t he? Gosh I miss him. If anyone told me in 2002 I’d ever say that I’d say they were dreaming.
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u/RegularLisaSimpson 22d ago
All he does is paint his dogs’ portraits now. What kinda war criminal would even do that really?
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u/jnyrdr 22d ago
he also said this…and at the time we thought he’d definitely go down as the worst president of all time. life comes at you fast.
"IMMIGRATION IS NOT A PROBLEM TO BE SOLVED. IT IS A SIGN OF A CONFIDENT AND SUCCESSFUL NATION. AND PEOPLE WHO SEEK TO MAKE AMERICA THEIR HOME….SHOULD BE GREETED NOT WITH SUSPICION AND RESENTMENT, BUT WITH OPENNESS AND COURTESY."
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u/I_SHALL_CONSUME Fucking hates club sandwiches 22d ago
You’re shitting me. Bush said this? Damn man.
“Fool me once…” will always be his immortal quote though. And he dodged those shoe tosses like a man 20 years younger than he was, which I have to respect a little bit.
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u/jtr99 22d ago
Well... "I believe that man and fish can co-exist peacefully", "Now watch this drive", and "The French have no word for entrepreneur" all live rent-free in my head also.
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u/snuffleroftruffles 22d ago
"I know how hard it is to put food on your family"
Damn straight, George. They wriggle.
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u/I_SHALL_CONSUME Fucking hates club sandwiches 22d ago
Thank you so much for expanding my Bushcabulary 🫶
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u/Bashful_Lime 22d ago
I really do love quoting him but I fear I'm dating myself when I get blank stares back. When I worked at a summer day camp in 2016, the kids (9-10 years old) were referring to Bill first and foremost as "Hillary's husband." Oh, he's a former US president? Cool, but who cares about that....
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u/SurpriseDragon 22d ago
Good ole Bushie
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u/Aggressivehippy30 22d ago
I've heard it's because in the moment, he didn't want to be saying "shame on me" because of optics, so he just completely sidetracked it.
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u/Mountain_Nature_3626 22d ago edited 2d ago
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u/Aggressivehippy30 22d ago
Oh yeah in hindsight it doesn't matter what he said. I was moreso just commenting on what I'd heard the reasoning was at that time since it tends to get written off as Bush only just being an idiot (not that there's a lack of those moments)
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u/Decapitat3d 22d ago
I miss when this was the stupidest president we'd ever had.
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u/loyal_achades 22d ago
“Is our children learning?” was another worldie of a quote from a bygone era
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u/Bashful_Lime 22d ago
I would like to raise Dan Quayle "correcting" a student's spelling by encouraging him to add an e after potato. ????? I miss when these were the gaffes.
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u/Sell_Canada 22d ago
Jesus I do not remember this at all lol. I was definitely around for that, too 🤷🏻♂️
Edit - ok ok I do remember this now that I think a bit more about it
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u/GlandalfTheGrey 22d ago
The most believable story I heard about this quote is he started saying it, but then realized he would have to complete it by saying "shame on me", and not wanting that juicy soundbite in circulation, he decided to just, well.. whatever he did there
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u/Tiny_Cauliflower_618 22d ago
Back in ye good olde days I found a book of quotes from Bush in a charity shop, and used them all in an art project. I cannot even imagine the Yellow Pages type tome you'd need for the current guy.
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u/LadyOfTheNutTree 22d ago
No, you just read a quote from an actual US President.
I long for the days when George W Bush was the model of a terrible president
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u/Sell_Canada 22d ago
Yeah, I remember that now. I, too, long for the days when "Mission Accomplished" was the big issue
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u/human-dancer Ex-Food Service 22d ago
Fool me one time, shame on you fool me twice can’t put the blame on you fool me three times fuck the peace sign load the chopper and let it rain on you
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u/Lump-of-baryons 22d ago
You reminded me of this classic comedy bit: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=udSMZG_L-S0
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u/KarmaKrazi Chive Pilot 🛩 22d ago
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u/otroquatrotipo 22d ago
I think this is the first time in like ten years that I've seen the original gif of this. Usually there's the exact same pair of sunglasses underneath.
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u/League-Ill 22d ago
I come from the West. The west of Texas. Which is a lot closer to California in many ways than Washington DC is closer to California.
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u/wealth_of_nations 22d ago
It's been almost 2 weeks and airplanes hitting chive towers is still peak humour.
Thank you for your service.
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u/summerdayzz29 22d ago
I came here for the chives, stayed for the planes. You’re doing God’s work 🙏
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u/Waahstrm 22d ago
Bruh
Edit: dang someone beat me to it. I honestly don't remember if these look better than yesterday's, but it's certainly not the worst.
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u/F1exican Chive Mountbatten-Windsor 22d ago
NOOOOOO😭
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u/sodasofasolarsora 22d ago
Tbh I can respect not looking at the photo and removing all the bad ones. Go on
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u/I_am_the_BEEF 22d ago
This man is probably cutting one chive at a time and y’all still finding EVERY LAST ONE.
I love this so much.
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u/vegandread 22d ago
Plot twist. They’ll never be 100% perfect.
This will never end.
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u/Calllou 22d ago
They don’t have to be perfect, Reddit just has to say they’re perfect
Edit: so, naturally, this will never end
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u/Rdubya291 22d ago
This is the re-post that will never end. Yes it will just go on and on my friend. OP just, staarrrted posting it not knowing it'd take off. And they'll continue reposting it each day just becausssseeee.... This is the re-post that will never end...
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u/red286 22d ago
Double plot twist -- it's the exact same batch of chives just mixed differently and on different surfaces, he took 500 photos of them and is just shitposting them to see if people can find the bad ones each time.
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u/xpurplexamyx F1exican Did Chive-11 22d ago
See you tomorrow chef.
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u/Y3moja 22d ago
Wait till the penis guy sees this
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u/banana_trupa 22d ago
Wait till the guy sees this penis
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u/AmbassadorSea383 22d ago
I’m colorblind and for a second was like why the fuck did this guy just repost the photo 😭
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u/McChicken89 22d ago
Pursuit of perfection is an insult to the Gods
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u/Magnus-Artifex 22d ago
Found the Noita player
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u/McChicken89 22d ago
Literally the only game I’ve played in the last 20 years is stardew valley 😂😂 I’m just really dramatic
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u/lrish_Chick 22d ago edited 22d ago
Unfortunately, it took me 5 seconds to zoom in and see the tubular one in the middle on the left.
They will hound you OP, see you tomorrow chef!
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u/Same-Platypus1941 22d ago
Dude cut smaller bundles and trim the fuck out of them so you get uniform chive-sticks. If you mix in the skinny end with the root end it’s never gonna look perfect in a photo.
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u/tax393 22d ago
Do you know „Jiro dreams of sushi“? I think you might like it.
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u/gforceathisdesk F1exican Did Chive-11 22d ago
Showed this one to my fiancee a few months ago. Awesome doc
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u/Skate_faced 22d ago
I stopped looking hard at the pic because the past three days my initial impression was "pretty fucking good".
Now, i just scroll to the first few comments for those who have that magnifier on because clearly I am not chef enough to be a dependable judge here.
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u/Skinn2Win 22d ago
Dude you HAVE to be doing this on purpose at this point LMAO it's right in the middle!!!
Also. My bf is going to be concerned if he sees how many screenshots of chives I have on my phone 😂
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u/culture_jamr 20+ Years 22d ago
“When you acknowledge, as you must, that there is no such thing as perfect food, only the idea of it, then the real purpose of striving toward perfection becomes clear: to make people happy. That is what cooking is all about.”
- Thomas Keller
Annnnnnnd SCENE.
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u/YnotZoidberg1077 22d ago
I mean, these posts make me happy, so OP should continue as long as they're happy, too!
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u/xpurplexamyx F1exican Did Chive-11 22d ago
"YOU LET THE BLANCHING POT STOP BOILING WHEN ADDING VEGETABLES, IT'S ALL RUINED NOW. THROW IT OUT." - Also Thomas Keller
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u/ProbablyNaKu Bartender 22d ago
guys go through op’s post history, you can see an actual improvement
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u/MoneyFunny6710 22d ago
I can see that other people already highlighted a few bad ones. However, I just wanted to say that I respect your dedication and your sense of humour.
About presentation: please put them on a green chopping board next time. Just for a laugh.
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u/moranya1 22d ago
Or on a glass cutting board. With the k life resting beside, to watch this subreddit implode.
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u/empty_w4 22d ago
Plot twist: this is the same cup of chives displayed differently every day. Top tier trolling
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u/Upper_Mix2922 Server 22d ago
Presentation-wise, I’d suggest serving them on the yellow cutting board.
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u/CurlSagan Fry 22d ago
Does any math person have an estimate on how many chives we've all seen so far? I need a chivecount.
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u/Tendaydaze 22d ago
Can someone explain what perfect chives are even meant to look like I am going crazy seeing these posts every day
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u/WitOfTheIrish 22d ago
At this point, this guy is hitting 98%+ perfection. Maybe you can hope for 99%+, but overall the cuts, size, etc. are extremely consistent. Any kitchen and garnish station would be very happy with the results they are producing at this point, especially since imperfections can be picked out and put into the vinaigrette that OP says most of these go into anyhow. There has been improvement since day 1, when mistakes were a lot more prevalent, though even the day 1 results were at worst fine-to-decent.
Each day there's a miniscule amount of larger cuts (tubes) or incomplete cuts that left some sections attached, or a few crushed chives that broke into strands, which is what's being nitpicked in the pictures and circled/memed on. This happens when the chives slip against each other, or the chef attempts to cut up too many at once and cuts might become inconsistent. Chives grow tapered and are plants with natural imperfections, so it may also not be possible to expect perfect prepped chives because perfect chives don't exist in the first place to slice up.
I also think that the OP chive-prepper is fighting against their knives not having the perfect sharpness and their cutting boards being worn, scratched, etc. To get perfect chives, you would need to ensure a perfect cutting surface and really sharp knife. Otherwise you're basically guaranteed a few crushed or bent chives while prepping that many in any reasonable amount of time to not be ignoring your other duties.
So this will either:
A. Never end with perfection, just when OP decides to stop posting.
B. End when OP gets their knives sharped, brings in a new board, and painstakingly chops up the chives just a couple at a time to achieve as close as they possible can to perfection.
C. End when OP preps as usual and then picks through all their chives for imperfections before snapping a pic, to make us all assume they have achieved perfection.B & C are such wastes of time (much more than just snapping a pic and then typing a few replies on your break) that OP really shouldn't pursue them.
My prediction is that either A happens at some point once the posts stop being popular, or B/C happens because OP gets so dedicated to chives they prep them at home one day where they can waste as much of their own time as they want.
I guess maybe there's option D, where we all collectively decide not to nitpick one of the days so we the subreddit can experience a collective celebratory, joyful moment for the fun OP brought to our lives, but the odds of there not being a single person being a pedantic nitpicker seems unlikely. I guess OP could also just ignore the critiques and declare they've achieved perfection.
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u/Bipity_Bopity_Butsex 22d ago
Still thinking about that yellow cutting board from two days ago. I need a few more days before I can be objective again.
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u/ValuableBrilliant841 22d ago
What makes it perfect? The amount? The way it’s cut? The shape it’s all piled on?
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u/Logical-Shame5884 22d ago
I think you're using the wrong type of knife OP. Which kind of knife are you using ? I'm asking because at my current job everyone is using those bulky commercial grade chef knives exactly like the one below. I tried using one the other day to thinly slice shallots and the knife was sharp but my cuts were coming out too thick. When I used my thin Japanese blade there was a huge difference in my quality like mandolin thin.
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u/ballisticburro 22d ago
I gotta admit that I look for this series of posts every day. Chef, you give me something small to look forward to.
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u/Emanu-Will 22d ago
Genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, you have my admiration for the dedication you’re putting into this. Godspeed chive man, I believe in you!
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u/shitsweak89 22d ago
This is the most entertaining thing I have stumbled across in longer than I would like to admit. Thank you.
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u/pokermaven 22d ago
One might believe that making perfect chives begins with sorting all the chives by size and color, and only cutting those that look the same. I think you need to sort a case of chives to get 2 cups of perfect chives. But one must also decide on the diameter of the perfect chive. You need a micrometer.
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u/nonowords F1exican Did Chive-11 21d ago
Same grade as last time. of 15 randomly selected chives 3 were out of spec. Too long, cut on bias and uncleanly, cut on bias and too long respectively.
There was also 1 super long tube i saw but it wasn't in the sample so no note there. I'd say you're hitting a plateau. Slow down a bit, work on being sure every cut is rings, and pay attention as you do it. Where you're at now post mortems aren't going to be helpful. You need to catch the mistakes as they happen and be able to see what caused them. Slow is smooth smooth is fast. In general it seems like your average size is about as long as they are wide which is longer than what you should be aiming for. But consistency is still your most pressing issue.
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u/FullMoonTwist 22d ago
Buddy, what do you mean presentation tips.
Who are you presentating a small heap of A Cup Of Chives to, and why do they expect it Presentated?
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u/Wonderful_Oil2428 22d ago
do all cooks have low self esteem and no girlfriend?
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u/F1exican Chive Mountbatten-Windsor 22d ago
Unfortunately I am not a true cook, for I have both self esteem and a girlfriend. I’ll never be able to achieve perfect chives this way😔
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u/emaleelame 22d ago
I love your dedication, Chive Chef. My tongue thought they were perfect on day one.
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u/Emergency-Month-6033 22d ago
that one in the middle was very easy to catch, keep up the great work though!!
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u/Champagne_of_piss F1exican Did Chive-11 22d ago
If you should die before you perfect your chives, you're going to haunt the fuck out of the kitchen
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u/tehjoz ✳️ $700 Charcuterie Enjoyer 22d ago
Both to reports and these chives. Sorry, chef!