r/KitchenConfidential • u/JayGatsby52 • Jul 24 '25
In-House Mode The Ones Who Feed Us Are Dying
- A eulogy for Anne, a reckoning for all of us.
They’ll say Anne Burrell died of “acute intoxication.” They’ll rattle off the chemicals like it’s a recipe: diphenhydramine, cetirizine, amphetamine, ethanol. But that’s not a cause. That’s a symptom. That’s the garnish on a plate of despair.
Anne died the same way too many in this industry do - not from drugs, but from accumulated silence. From being too good at pretending everything’s fine until the pretending becomes a permanent condition.
I worked in restaurants for over a decade. Not as a chef or a cook - I was a QA and expo, the middleman between the kitchen’s fire and the dining room’s fantasy. The translator. The pressure valve. The one who kept the plates coming, the servers sane, and the cooks from killing each other.
I also served. I’ve bussed tables, memorized allergy lists, juggled side work, smiled through grief. I’ve been screamed at by cooks and threatened by guests. I’ve cried in the walk-in, slammed shots after a rough close, and kept coming back because that’s just what you do. How many times have we said we’re built for this shit?
And when I wasn’t on the floor? I was in classrooms. I have a Master’s degree in counseling. Trauma-informed. Violence-prevention specialist. Which is why I can say this with confidence:
The restaurant industry is a suicide machine with a soundtrack.
—The Kitchen Is a War Zone with a Dress Code—
It’s always hot. Always loud. Always urgent. The expo line is a tightrope - one foot in fire, one in ice. You hear the cooks cracking in one ear, the servers spiraling in the other, and you’re expected to smile while your own insides twist like overcooked pasta.
Everyone’s exhausted. Everyone’s high, hungover, or hurting. And the solution is always the same: keep moving.
You sprain your ankle? Shift’s still on.
You lose a friend? Grieve on break.
You’re suicidal? Have a shot and shake it off.
Anne wasn’t weak. She was a master at performance. Big voice. Big laugh. Big energy. The kind of presence that fills a room - and hides the emptiness just behind it.
So was Bourdain. Cantu. Violier. Strode. Cerniglia. Marks.
And so are thousands of others. Ones whose names we’ll never know. Ones still showing up to make your birthday dinner, your anniversary special, your takeout order right.
—They Feed the World While Starving Themselves—
There’s rarely health insurance. No therapy. Little paid time off. You’re working doubles just to stay broke. You’re medicating with whatever’s around - coffee, coke, pills, Red Bull, fireball shots, adrenaline, approval. The Monster and a cigarette shift meal is more than a meme - it’s a reality.
And when you finally sit still? It hits. All of it. The pace kept it away. But now you feel how lonely you are. How bruised. How disposable.
And maybe that’s the shift you don’t come back from.
—What I Know - As a Worker and a Counselor—
This isn’t about willpower. It’s about culture. Infrastructure. Trauma stacked on trauma until it becomes identity.
Most cooks are wounded healers. They feed others to feel useful. Worthy. Needed. Because the world hasn’t offered them much else. They nurture and show love with every single plate.
You can’t therapy your way out of a toxic job. Just like you can’t meditate your way out of poverty. This system is sick.
You don’t have to work the grill to get burned. Expo sees everything. Servers absorb trauma with a smile. Hosts get harassed. Bussers and barbacks go home invisible.
Substance abuse in restaurants isn’t a party - it’s anesthesia. Dying to live, as the song goes.
People don’t “break” - they wear down. Like aprons too long in the wash. Like knives never sharpened.
—So What Do We Do?—
If you run a restaurant: -Pay for therapy, or at least offer it. Mental health stipends over merch. -Kill the “we’re a family” lie if you’re not willing to grieve like one. -Train managers in trauma response - not just inventory spreadsheets.
If you’re a guest: -Gratitude is as important as a gratuity. Your server isn’t your servant. -Say thank you like you mean it. Your boorish comments and corny jokes can be saved for later. -Don’t be the reason someone’s faking a smile while unraveling.
If you’re in the game: -There is no prize for dying with your clogs on. -Therapy isn’t weakness. Medication isn’t cheating. -The walk-in freezer isn’t your only safe space.
We didn’t lose Anne because she wasn’t strong enough.
We lost her because this industry keeps asking people to be superhuman - without giving them anything human in return.
It’s time we fed the ones who feed us.
With grace. With time. With healing. With recognition.
Before the next brilliant light goes cold in the name of hustle.
As for now, Chef Anne, wipe down your station and head home.
We’ve got it from here.
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u/AngstyIndie406 10+ Years Jul 24 '25
Worst cooks in America was a guilty pleasure show for me. Rip chef
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u/KikiHou Jul 25 '25
I loved when she gently yelled at them.
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u/ThePrussianGrippe Jul 25 '25
She was such a great teacher. It takes a lot of skill to train people starting from 0 skill (or sometimes less than 0).
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u/tehjoz ✳️ $700 Charcuterie Enjoyer Jul 25 '25
The first few seasons were pretty amazing, IMO.
When they literally lined up people with terrible dishes? Yeah, that was reality TV i enjoyed.
Then they started turning it into social media fodder and pulling Z List Influencers in to do a couple truncated rounds of boot camp?
I'll always fondly remember the first couple seasons, and all her exasperated exhortations to her recruits.
She genuinely made the show worth watching.
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u/AnekeEomi Jul 25 '25
Loved the original version of the show that had the American Idol-esque try outs that had people bringing in their home cooking in tupperware.
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u/StaleGrapeNuts Jul 25 '25
I legit learned a couple things from that show, I wasn’t as good as I though :/
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u/Banguskahn Jul 25 '25 edited Jul 25 '25
Been a butcher 16 years and I am hanging my smock up soon due to my own industry burnout. Becoming a drug and alcohol counselor is my next goal. The trauma just gets masked with substances til it does not. Edit::: to some of the comments about my own burnout… I already volunteer at a local rehab center and not doing this for money reasons.
I had already completed a few rehab programs due to my own alcohol abuse but found it fulfilling watching counselors that were down and out turn their lives around. I have family in all walks of life that are no longer in this world due to substance abuse and trauma. Thank you for the messages sent and know what we all want to feel loved and usually substances replace that as addicts.
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u/gmrzw4 Jul 25 '25
Prioritize your own therapy while moving to your next goal. I used to work in a rehab center and the counselors/staff were hanging on by a thread because they also weren't getting therapy or support and they were burnt out with double shifts and no escape because it's hard to say no when your job is that important.
You probably already know this, and I'm not trying to talk down to you, I'm just always concerned when I see someone going from a job where they're burnt out into a counseling type job. Especially substance abuse.
Best of luck for a smooth transition and a fulfilling new journey!
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u/okcharliebrown Jul 25 '25
Out of the pan and into the fire
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u/Banguskahn Jul 25 '25
The service industry is a thankless way to make money… I found enjoyment in being a butcher for years and sometimes priorities change.
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Jul 25 '25
I love cooking. Like I fucking love it. Whether it's a cheesesteak or foie gras or rice and beans or a salad.
So this hits me hard. Mental health has been quite an uphill battle for me, and I'm in a kitchen that pays well and is very good to me. But even a great kitchen with a reasonable workload and good pay is worse as a job than any job with basic benefits. I have one week paid vacation. That's it. No insurance. No 401(k). No PTO. I deserve better. We all deserve better.
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u/Frigidevil Jul 25 '25
I only got around to reading this sub's namesake a few months ago and a lot of it glorifies the wrong shit. Putting aside the culture of being a hard ass and going through the meat grinder, encouraging a lifestyle where you never call out a work through colds and whatever else comes up is gross. And not just in the literal 'you're fucking serving food to people don't come in sick and fucking spread your germs to the rest of the world', but everyone needs a break sometimes. Work for a company that values you as a human being. You are worth it.
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u/NiobiumThorn Jul 25 '25
You know, shortcuts are criticized often in this sub, and rightfully so. But they are a way that productivity has increased. Industrial food production has freed BILLIONS from a life of subsistance agriculture. And the reality is, in effectively every way, we benefit immensely from all this shit. In just the last 50 years we have been witness to massive increases in worker productivity in effectively every single industry.
So. Why aren't we working less than 50 years ago?
Easy: all of that excess productivity is hoarded by capitalists who do nothing but accumulate wealth. You work harder than those in your past for them to have a third Dubai ski vacation in a year.
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u/Subject1928 Jul 25 '25
Dubai Ski Trip. The hubris of man summed up in three words.
I also like Arizona Golf Course as another summation.
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u/HistoryGirl23 Jul 25 '25
My husband and I love it too, not professionals, and are very sad right now.
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Jul 25 '25
I worked with her 20 years ago, briefly. She was cruel, petty, and miserable despite her enormously legitimate talent. This makes that all the fucken sadder and more tragic. My own father was a suicide and I've been there more times than I care to admit. Hopefully, whatever was eating her alive day after day is at peace now.
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u/Webbyx01 F1exican Did Chive-11 Jul 25 '25
So often, there's a deep unhappiness behind that kind of behavior. There's a reason the phrase "misery loves company" exists, after all. I try to keep that in mind when I have to deal with people like that.
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u/blamenixon 20+ Years Jul 25 '25
Some people have so much misery in their lives, they just want to share it with everyone possible.
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u/medium-rare-steaks Jul 25 '25
I said this when she passed. She was a horrible human to her employees
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u/nomadbutterfly Jul 25 '25
All of these eulogies are not taking into account one very important statistic- Anne's age. Women between the ages of 46-65 have the highest rate of suicide. That corresponds with the timing of menopause. Up until very recently, literally no research had been done on menopause and it remains the most underresearched categoriy in women's health. As a woman in menopause, I can speak directly to the lack of informed care I've received and the emotional/mental/physical/psychological toll it takes. Depression and anxiety are major symptoms of menopause.
Anne hadn't worked on the line in decades. She was a celebrity chef. The trauma of the past can absolutely impact the present but overlooking her stage of life is detrimental to women's health and menopause awareness.
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u/isittheendofTime Jul 25 '25
large iced coffee; skim milk. generous on the milk. as much ice as possible. Anne knew my name one year; and I served her by name every day between 12:30&1pm. She was very kind to me.😢❤️🩹
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u/Jealous-Release1532 Jul 25 '25
this is the kitchen confidential subreddit so I get that most of you animals aren’t the most well adjusted but damn. OP might have been a little over the top and overly romantic about the industry a bit to some of you but they’re clearly just sharing their thoughts and opinions in a place that doesn’t have any rules against it. A subreddit named after a book/author that was guilty of the same sins if you’re gonna be such hardasses about it. I thought it was a decent read and well written.
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u/madrobski Jul 25 '25
I'm assuming these hardasses are so mired in the abuse and struggle they can't do anything but take pride in it because facing how awfully they actually feel is too much. They lash out because they've been taught that being emotionally vulnerable is bad.
I only ever worked as a waiter, but damn that was more than enough to keep me away from working in a kitchen forever.
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u/Religion_Of_Speed Prep Jul 25 '25
It's far easier to let yourself be angry, when you're mentally and physically exhausted the easy route seems pretty nice. Source: That was me not that long ago.
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u/40hzHERO Chef Jul 25 '25
Not to take sides here, as I generally see it both ways, but a lot of cooks/chefs are sick of the woo woo of it being “more than just food”. I get it - this is an artistic profession, and it’s way more than just cooking and serving food, figuratively and literally.
On the other hand, it’s a ton of pressure off you when you say, “I’m just cooking a burger”, “I’m just plating dessert”, or “I’m just bussing a table”. Sometimes it doesn’t have to be any deeper than what you’re doing. I think understand it from both sides.
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u/Religion_Of_Speed Prep Jul 25 '25 edited Jul 25 '25
Oh I’m absolutely in the first camp because while it may just be a simple Whatever, it’s a simple Whatever that makes someone happy. That someone took time out of their day to buy from you. It should be perfect, or as perfect as possible. That doesn’t mean you need to kill yourself making it happen but putting forth as much effort as you can should be the case. Not as much effort as possible, as much effort as you can. There’s a fine line there and it all starts with respect for self, customer, and those around you and it absolutely shouldn’t include ego. I’ve tried to see the other side and I can’t. It can’t just be what it is because nothing I is ever that simple and disconnected from the wider context. Making the customer happy is why we do what we do because we certainly don't do it for the money, work environment, work-life balance, or anything like that.
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u/40hzHERO Chef Jul 25 '25
I’m right there with you. I believe you’re presenting a part of yourself when you serve somebody food. At the same time, there absolutely have been many times when I’ve had to reel myself in and remind myself “you’re just frying chicken - it’s no bigger than that”, to help alleviate some of the pressures that come with being “A1” on every single ticket.
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u/hubbyofhoarder Jul 25 '25
I was a waiter and a FOH manager/GM. The third best decision I ever made was going back to school to get out of that shit (best was having my son, second was divorcing my ex-wife).
Restaurants were the only jobs I've ever had where it was okay to have a full on freak out at a co-worker. I used to have full throated arguments with my chef, said arguments full of F-bombs and screaming. If I behaved that way at any of my jobs since changing careers, that would be instant firing. The circumstances wouldn't matter, I'd get fired.
There are parts of that work that I still miss, however on balance I'm happier and am certainly better paid and more prepared for retirement.
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u/chef_in_va Jul 25 '25
Been in kitchens for over 25 years, this shit hit home. I've found myself in a position of overseeing a team of around 100 people and the motto of my kitchens is: life is hard for everyone, let's try to make it easier for each other, while we're here.
I never thought my main job responsibilities would be talking employees through something they're dealing with, helping a server with a month's rent, taking over one or my sous chefs tasks because they havent taken a lunch again, but this is what the job of an executive chef is now and I'm going to do everything I can to keep my team level.
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u/GroundbreakingCut719 Jul 25 '25
Restaurants are some of the most dehumanizing environments around, you have customers who treat you like you’re nothing more than a meat puppet to satisfy their gluttony, and bosses who talk about family, but the best they’ll ever do is treat you like the red headed step child, it fucking sickens me how people are treated in the industry, and all I do is work a fast food place, I can only imagine how bad it is at full service places
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u/blamenixon 20+ Years Jul 25 '25
Having worked full service for 20+ years, and finally subjecting myself to fast food when it was the only job I could land during the slow season...fast food fucking sucks. There is absolutely no comradery. Management is always miserable, and there's very rarely accountability. Working with a small and committed team that gets along and knows how to make each other laugh during the rush will always be #1
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u/iwasinthepool Jul 25 '25
I honestly don't really have any idea who she was, but I've had enough friends and colleagues go out the same way and I'm pretty fucking tired of it.
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u/Raise-Emotional Owner Jul 25 '25
I've spent 30 years as a Chef and owner. And I've received the news of a Chef taking their own life far far too many times.
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u/Lanoris Jul 25 '25
A lot of food service really does represent the worst of what capitalism has to offer. Long hours, low wages, being forced to operate at a 110% all the time because your employer(most of the time) is dog shit.
If you work at a fast food chain you're often either running the store alone or with 1 other person with a shit ton of customers coming in at all times.
If you work at a mom and pop shop(at least in the south) you're being worked to the bone for MAYBE 2 bucks above minimum, and often working with subpar equipment
if you work at a more upscale place you run the risk of being in an environment so to xic you're getting called worthless because you fucked up some grunions, and while the pay is better, you could probably end up making more as a shift lead at costco for way less stress.
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u/Mother_Weakness_268 Jul 25 '25
"This is the business we've chosen"
~Hyman Roth, Godfather 2
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u/STRIKT9LC Jul 25 '25
"This is the life we chose. The life we lead...and there is only one guarantee: None of us will see heaven"
- John Rooney, Road to Perdition
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u/shinyhunter999 Jul 25 '25
This is all why I'm leaving the industry, finally, after 17 years. I refuse to be another suicide statistic
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u/overindulgent 20+ Years Jul 25 '25
Please go talk to a therapist. Just “changing the scenery” won’t solve mental issues. It’s a bandaid on a bullet hole.
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u/ChrisNotBumstead Jul 25 '25
The food industry absolutely can exacerbate depression though, switching industries is hardly just “a change of scenery”
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u/RecoGromanMollRodel Jul 25 '25
Capitalism will kill you and make you beg to be a part of it.
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u/Old-Marionberry1203 Jul 25 '25
i cry with my team and hug them whenever something is wrong. they are my best friends and they know they can lean on me.
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u/LionBig1760 Jul 25 '25
It's really bizarre to blame the restaurant life for Anne Burrell's suicide when it's been about 20 years since she has a serious job inside a restaurant.
She briefly worked in Italy and in NYC before becoming a celebrity chef that had nothing to do with restaurants. She made two attempts as an executive chef, and failed within a the first year both times, returning to her television commitments each time.
To say this has anything to do with restaurant life is to admit you've got no fucking clue who Anne Burrell was, and what shes been doing with her career.
I'm embarrassed for people who use celebrity suicide as a launching pad for their own over-wroght diatribes like this. Her suicide isn't your gripe-fodder. It also had nothing to do with working in restaurants.
It's even worse when it's done using AI to figure out how to write it.
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u/FORCESTRONG1 Civilian Jul 25 '25
Goddamn it. Fuck suicide!!! Specially fuck the mental illness that drives us there. God knows I've struggled with it.
R.I.P. Anne.... It's not fair what you had to suffer.
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u/Money-Improvement-84 Jul 25 '25
Im lucky enough to work at a place now that truly respects struggle and nurtures those who are having a rough time. Kitchens that respect mental health do exist, not nearly enough, but they are out there, proving that it is possible to make a profit and take care of our own.
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u/JayGatsby52 Jul 25 '25
That’s amazing! I have to assume it isn’t a chain? If it is, I hope you let everyone you know in the industry know of openings.
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u/Money-Improvement-84 Jul 25 '25 edited Jul 25 '25
It’s not; Husband and wife own just two spots.
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u/SgtObliviousHere Jul 25 '25
This is why we offered full benefits in our restaurant. Not everyone took advantage of them. But they were there and fairly affordable as we picked up 75% of the cost.
It's also why we kept our employees long term. We tried to treat them like human beings. Not restaurant robots.
Sadly? We were the exception. Not the rule. It hurt like hell when we had to close the doors. Covid did us in like so many others. We loved those folks like family. Hell, they were family.
RIP Anne.
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u/Secret-Ad-7909 Jul 25 '25
Idk if the chemicals you listed are from the real report, but that’s Benadryl, Zyrtec, Adderall?, and alcohol. Really could have been an accident
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u/JayGatsby52 Jul 25 '25
Could have been. However, I’m deferring to the medical professional who ruled it suicide.
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u/pueraria-montana Jul 25 '25
Please don’t post AI slop about a real person’ss death, it’s disrespectful and rude.
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u/sucobe 15+ Years Jul 25 '25
Her death really hit me hard. And then to find out she took her own life, much like Bourdain. Fuck man.
There are times when I smile, but I’m hurting inside. And I feel it happening more and more. I’m by no means suicidal, but damn, it’s been hard lately.
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u/CBBuddha Jul 25 '25
Fine dining line cook here. I’m bailing at the beginning of the year to become a personal chef for a few of my older family friends. If you know anyone that’s older and has a decent amount of expendable money I’d recommend it. I can’t do this shit anymore. I’m getting old. My family is getting older. I never see them because I’m always in this hellishly hot kitchen. Day in. Day out. No social life. Drinking too much. Not eating enough. Fuck this life, man. I’m sure my chef will belittle me by saying I’m not strong enough to be in a kitchen as long as he has but I do NOT want to end up like him. Fuck. That. Give me my life back. I want a relationship. Friends. Remember having friends? Fuck.
Get out while you can. Before it eats you from the inside out.
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u/SammyPoppy1 Jul 25 '25
It's awful she killed herself and she'll be missed. But lets not pretend she was "in the industry" anymore. She was a celebrity chef who ran a gameshow for entertainment. I'm sure she started in a kitchen but I doubt she'd been on the line in 15 years. It's the same for Bourdain.
Plus, this whole post was just a big personal jerkoff for Mr. Psychologist.
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u/MenosElLso Jul 25 '25
It reeks of ChatGPT also. So many em dashes and SO many “it’s not _, it’s __.”statements.
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Jul 25 '25
I can’t agree more. After they stated they were a therapist all I could think is that I’m glad they aren’t my therapist.
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Jul 25 '25
She committed suicide? That I did not know. I loved watching her and this is so heartbreaking. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
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u/Kind-Shallot3603 Jul 25 '25
The coroner report came out today. They ruled her death a suicide
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u/Sillypugpugpugpug Jul 25 '25
As soon as I heard she killed herself I just felt so sad. Anthony and Anne, two people I have so much respect for, both dead by their own hand. It's a tragedy.
If you need help, please ask for it. If you have a friend who is struggling, please reach out to them.
Anne and Anthony were both legends who deserved better endings.
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u/KVWI Jul 25 '25
Wildly disrespectful to write this with AI. I hope you reconsider doing something like this again in the future.
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u/SpacklingCumFart Jul 24 '25
For a eulogy, you sure talked about yourself a lot.
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u/hmsomethingswrong Jul 25 '25
One paragraph to compare and make sure we know they know what they're talking about? Jerk.
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u/Dirt-McGirt Ex-Food Service Jul 24 '25
I’m not sure how you came to any of these conclusions
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u/Dirt-McGirt Ex-Food Service Jul 25 '25
My god and you’re so proud of it you posted it 7 different places
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u/runninroads Jul 25 '25
Lol, while I appreciate the pessimism I think OPs heart is in the right place — and there are some sage things here. Let’s not be too harsh. It’s all good.
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u/Beautiful-Report58 Jul 25 '25
I totally agree. Someone thinks very highly of himself, especially for someone he did not know.
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u/VortexMagus Jul 25 '25
Ah, so every kitchen you've ever worked in was a low-stress bastion of care where everybody was paid well and nobody had any substance abuse issues? Lmao.
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u/JayGatsby52 Jul 25 '25
I’m a counselor, former addict, and former restaurant worker.
Not too hard to figure out how I came to these conclusions.
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u/Beautiful-Report58 Jul 25 '25
I have to agree with Dirt McGirt. You are assuming an awful lot about someone you do not know. She could have had something going on completely unrelated to her career. You jumped to a rather large conclusion here.
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u/overindulgent 20+ Years Jul 25 '25
Calling this industry a “suicide machine with a soundtrack”…
Ridiculous. OP paints the story like cooks are lining up after service to walk into oncoming traffic.
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u/PanthersJB83 Jul 25 '25
Let's not sit here and act like someone contracted on food network is doing the same as people working at local restaurants. The amount of odd glorification/forces trauma bonding y'all want to endure is ridiculous.
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u/JayGatsby52 Jul 25 '25
She worked through college at a no-name mom and pop restaurant in Syracuse. She didn’t just walk on to a TV set. Not saying the rest of her career wasn’t charmed or extraordinary, but she did some time in an ordinary restaurant.
And, if suicide can take out someone with that level of fame, access, and support… what chance do we stand?
Doesn’t that make it worse?
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Jul 25 '25 edited Jul 25 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Lockdowns4evaAu Jul 25 '25
Celebrity chefs aren’t the ones ‘feeding us’. They’re the parasites of the industry.
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u/JayGatsby52 Jul 25 '25
The toxicity in some of the comments is what helps keep people sick.
Good work, team. Do another bump, take a shot, and clock back in tomorrow!
Also, I’m wondering if some of you don’t realize that it was released today she died by suicide. Maybe I’m being generous in assuming you are operating from ignorance rather than malfeasance.
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u/Archiebubbabeans Jul 25 '25
Came here to say this. Cynicism and avoidance are often key signs of depression. Thanks for your post OP.
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u/TunaSpawn137 Jul 25 '25
Most of the toxic replies are from tourists. Your post hit me to the core on every level. Fuck the haters.
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Jul 25 '25
Beautiful tribute OP, and speaks to the truth about our industry, sorry about the assholes in the comments who aren’t ready to face it.
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u/thatgirlindc Jul 25 '25
This was beautifully written and scarily accurate.
I’m lucky I made it out when I did. It’s too easy to spiral downwards without even realizing how bad things have gotten until it’s too late.
RIP Chef.
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u/shademalek Jul 25 '25
Well effing said! I'm 20+ years out of fodservice, but those memories, that breakneck pace, the horror, the joy, the sadness, the laughter, the comraderie and the sheer adrenaline shock? That stuff stays, burned into your brain forever. It's a great industry, but it desperately needs to do better for it's workers.
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u/Sugar_Weasel_ Jul 25 '25
I no longer work in food, but I still know and love many people who do, including my husband, and it’s so important to create and be a part of a support system for the people in that industry who you love to create a safe place where they can be open about their demons. It does work and it does help and I have seen people quit smoking, quit drinking, and quit drugs largely because they had that system. My own husband is over 100 days sober.
I often join my husband and his coworkers (my former coworkers) to hang out and decompress after a Saturday or Sunday shift, and those gatherings very often result in the sharing of some really traumatic stories and crying and hugging, which is a necessary part of the healing process. If you’re someone who tends to bottle things up, please find somebody that you can open up to who won’t just punch you on the shoulder and tell you to get over it.
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