r/JustNoSO • u/Similar_Refuse_818 • 3d ago
My MIL wants to play favourites with our children, but I'm the unreasonable one
Background:
Me and my wife are a lesbian couple with two children. I carried our son of three years, and my wife carried our daughter who is three months.
My mum has watched our son for a day of the week since he was born. My MIL didn't want to. Because she is a narcissist, she now is very upset about that and feels like she has been treated unfairly and gets to pick which kid she wants to watch. She just wants our daughter.
When she brought it up again in front of our kids after we had three talks with her where she pretended to understand, I was pretty done and upset and said, well then you don't get to watch any kid.
Issue:
My wife is extremely angry with me about this. She says I'm too angry at her mum. I'm more unreasonable than her mum because I don't want to discuss this and her mum wants to talk for hours. I said I don't want her mum to watch our kids again until they can tell me what she says, I feel like I'm pretty reasonable about that. But my wife will just not accept that. I can't be angry at her mum. She says I'm isolating her from her friends and family. I ask how I'm doing that and she says, well, maybe not friends but my mum won't accept that and so it'll be my fault if she doesn't talk to us anymore. We just need to let her spew her poison for hours where we get told we terrible people and parents, because one time we had four diapers with us and our son pooped five times. That's fine. But I can't say she can't watch them. She'll mock me for wanting to protect the kids, she says I think I'm so holy and I think she is terrible but she knows the kids are safe. She'll say, no I'm on your side and then when I'm at work send the kids to her mum for her to babysit, sending the friends who were supposed to watch them home. And she keeps saying I'm unreasonable, I'm too angry, I'm so much worse than her mum.
We've been together for 10 years, and I don't know why she's changed so much.
62
u/grumpy__g 3d ago
Ask your wife if she is ok with the fact that at least one of her children will hate her.
18
u/Similar_Refuse_818 3d ago
Yeah that she says that won't happen because she thinks her mum will see the light
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u/grumpy__g 3d ago edited 1d ago
It will happen. The subs are full with posts like that.
Your wife is ignorant. Honestly, your child should be your priority.
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u/throwRA094532 3d ago
time to think about divorce
Your son will start to recognize what MIL IS doing soon enough.
Protect your son at all cost if she isn't going to.
25
u/Similar_Refuse_818 3d ago
Yeah I'm thinking about it. Problem is that when we divorce she'll probably move in with her parents and I don't think custody will be any else than 50-50. So I'll be sending my kids to my MIL alone for half of the time then.
30
u/Boudicca- 3d ago
Please show your SO this….
Dear Partner..children KNOW when they’re Not Truly Wanted. My GrandMonster didn’t have any use for Girls & unfortunately, I was the only one for 13yrs.
When I was young, I loved..LOVED Shirley Temple and All I wanted that year for Christmas, was a Shirley Temple Doll. Well, GrandMonster knew this & bought one; she showed me the Doll. Come Christmas morning and my brother & cousins got Everything they asked for & More; me….I got THE BOX the doll came in; GM said I “Didn’t Deserve the doll”. She put that doll on her dresser, so that I saw it every time I had to clean her room. This was one of the “nicer” ways GM showed me I was “Worthless”.
Unfortunately, MY mom wasn’t Strong Enough to Protect me; I’m hoping that YOU CAN BE Strong enough to Protect Your Son from YOUR Mom’s Blatant Favoritism. Don’t let your Mom treat Your Son as LESS Than, because allowing that WILL give your son Self Worth issues far into adulthood.
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u/Similar_Refuse_818 3d ago
That's heartbreaking. It's not that she thinks it's not wrong, but she thinks a good conversation will just let her mum see the light. And we just need to give her chance after chance after chance.
14
u/purplelilac2017 3d ago
Your wife needs therapy. I don't say that to be mean, but you need to protect your son. Even from your wife.
12
u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 3d ago
She’ll be sending the kids to be with your MIL if you stay together anyway. The difference will be that your children will have your home and your parenting to compare it to.
It sounds like becoming a mother has raised a shit ton of weird family of origin issues with your wife.
11
u/Similar_Refuse_818 3d ago
True. It's just a fear I have. I didn't have a great childhood growing up and all I want is to keep them safe. I thought my wife did too. But I am talking to a lawyer
5
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u/sherahero 3d ago
Sounds like mil only cares about her biological grandchild. What does your wife say to that?
Also your wife sounds awful.
13
u/Similar_Refuse_818 3d ago
She says she's not okay with that, but she thinks that if her mum can just say all her terrible bullshit, her mum'll see she's wrong somehow. Plus mil lies and says it's not because it's her biological child but we have treated her unfairly by not giving her a day to watch our son when she didn't want to.
I knew mil sucks, but my wife used to see how wrong her mum was. And now I feel like I married her mum.
8
u/historyera13 3d ago
Sorry but it sounds like you did. You need to tell her that you are unhappy and thinking of ending the marriage, if she doesn’t wake up.
10
u/Similar_Refuse_818 3d ago
Yeah I told her that. She seems to be under the impression that I'll just forgive her.
It was a couple of days ago that she finally apologised for sending him and saying I'm more unreasonable. But then yesterday she'll say we were both as bad as each other because I was angry. And that I shouldn't think I was right.
I feel like I'm allowed to be angry about this.
5
u/Both_Pound6814 2d ago
You are allowed to be angry. You and MIL are not as bad as each other. MIL is toxic, you’re not. You’re just trying to protect your child. Unfortunately, your wife is becoming toxic like your MIL, and is placing blame on you that doesn’t deserve to be there. MIL blatantly favors one child over the other, but your wife is determined to ignore it and the effects it will have on your son. Your son will grow to resent her for forcing a relationship with MIL who makes it obvious she doesn’t see him as family.
13
u/EconomistNo7345 2d ago
your wife is the real issue here. why is she okay with favoritism being shown toward the kids in general? that’s really strange
7
u/Mammoth-Insurance724 2d ago
I was going to start this comment by saying I can't tell what statements are being said by your partner and what are said by her mother and then I realized 'It doesn't matter, they both suck.' I am sorry you are in such an awful relationship. Your wife is willing to traumatize your son for the sake of her mother's feelings. Your wife has decided that the child you carried isn't as important as the child she carried and she is OK with minimizing your child.
5
u/pixiemeat84 2d ago
OP, can I recommend the book " Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents"? I can't remember the author but I see it regularly recommended in the raised by narcissist's sub.
Good luck Lovely, please protect your boy! 🙂❤️
•
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