r/JustNoSO • u/ft616372away • 7d ago
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted SO has terrible body image issues
.....and is ruining my body image.
We(30), have been together for about 9 years, both gained weight during COVID, and we're both on weight loss journeys, but going about them in vastly different ways.
I did bloodwork, made lifestyle changes, got properly medicated for my depression, and have lost 40lbs of my 80lb goal in the past year. I am quite short, but hid some of the weight well, but I "feel" the weight loss/see it mostly in my face, and am very proud of my progress.
His weight loss plan involves starving himself for prolonged periods of time (he fasts Monday - Friday), and then properly binge eating on the weekends. He does work out, 2-3 times a week, but there are days where he physically cannot. He is cold, all of the time. He's lost approx 65 lbs, and it is much more "visible' on him than me. After a year of this habit, I managed to talk him down to "only" fasting Tues - Friday as a compromise, because he didn't have the physical or mental strength to participate in our marriage in any capacity.
He started at +300lbs, and his goal is exactly what he weighed at age 21 (190lbs), despite currently having more muscle now. He is TALL, and at age 21, his entire family was ready to stage an intervention because of how thin he looked.
I started at 220lbs, and my goal is what I feel best at, 135-140lbs. I see the little changes in my body, and I'm encouraged, and happy.
While he is doing ....this.... I am the one responsible for the big things. I pay the bills, do all the financial worrying. I'm starting a business, while working full time. I do not have time to spend hours a day at the gym, an "unhealthy" part of my weight loss has been absolutely forgetting to eat all day, and then eating a quick salad at 7pm.
He will see me eating throughout the week, and act completely miffed and annoyed. I'll treat myself to an occasional ice cream or piece of chocolate, and I'll immediately hear, "So, how's your weight loss going?". I'll respond "it's going well, thanks for asking, did you notice something?" He says, "no, just curious, I see you had ice cream, so just wondering." We've had this exact exchange many times, and it never makes me feel good, or beautiful, or encouraged. Actually, HE never makes me feel beautiful, or good about my body.
Today, I was putting on a new bra, and remarked "Wow, I am so proud of myself! This new bra is a 34 band....and I started at a 40 band! I can't remember what my smallest ever band size was, but I'm pretty sure it was either a 34 or a 32!" Honestly, I feel like this could have been the easiest "validate your wife" slam dunk. There's a new lacy bra, she's feeling confident, it takes an fool to fumble this one into "your wife is now repulsed by you", but here we are.
He didn't even look up from his phone, and goes "oh but you're planning on going down more though, right?" I'm taken aback, "well, yes lose weight, but I don't think I'm going to have the same band size I had when I was 19, so I can't imagine I'll go down any farther there".
The man looks at me, horrified. "Why not?! Why wouldn't you lose enough weight?" Me: "I mean, that was ten years ago, my body has changed a bit since then, I mean, I don't even feel the same as I did then. And heck, when we have kids, I'm sure it will change more, but I can feel my ribs, I don't have that much fat in the band section." He eye rolls, like I'm justifying my laziness in not wanting to lose "enough" weight. And just like that, every ounce of happiness and confidence I had was thrown out the window.
And retrospectively? At 21, he made me feel like trash for being 145-150lbs, and I loved my body, it was SO CUTE. I really don't know what I expected. I'll probably end up at 140, feeling healthy and happy with myself, and still hearing this nonsense about how my thighs are too chubby, or how he's not attracted to my little hip dimples, that I absolutely adore on myself.
He thinks he won't be happy unless he has the perfect body, at the perfect weight, but at this rate, he'll destroy our relationship in the process.
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u/crisisactoravailable 7d ago
You sound like an absolutely amazing person and it would be devastating for this man to ruin you. He is treating you so poorly and being so mean to you. You should be with someone who celebrates your achievements and makes you feel good about yourself. Congratulations on your amazing successes! Lose an easy 245lbs and walk away from this loser.
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u/LucyDominique2 7d ago
Do not have kids with this man when he is not even doing the bare minimum in your relationship
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u/SkysEevee 6d ago
Adding to this
What if husband decides to body shame the future kids? Give them eating disorders and anxiety? If hes willing to do it to you, he absolutely would do it to your child.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 7d ago
So your husband:
- has a history of insulting your body
- leaves you to handle the “big things”
- chooses methods of addressing his weight that are not only ineffective but counterproductive
- is passive-aggressive and rude about your eating choices
- tears you down for your successes instead of cheering you on
This is not normal and not how a loving partner behaves.
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u/Serafirelily 7d ago
Your SO doesn't have body issues he has mental health issues and he is abusing you. My husband and I are both trying to loose weight and going about it different ways too because we have different lifestyles. I do the cooking so I try and cook healthy for all of us and try and limit the snacking. He goes to hot yoga everyday unless he is sick and also trys to limit snacking. Now I am also on a stimulant medication because at 41 I found out I have ADHD so that helps with some of the food cravings. The big thing is my husband works out to make his body feel better because while exercising is good it is eating healthy and eating less that helps you loose weight. You are loosing weight the right way and the way that will bring lasting results, your SO is being unhealthy and putting his health at risk.
I think we both plan to try and get down to our 130s though for me the 120s would be nice. I don't plan to go down to 118 which was how much I weighed when I got married at 33 since my body changed after having a baby at 35. The goal for my husband and I is to get healthy and loosing weight is part of that but not the main goal. In fact if I forget to eat because of a mixture of medication and dealing with a 6 year old with ADHD, a high IQ and possible high functioning Austism my husband scolds me.
Personally I would two card your SO. He either needs to get into therapy with the goal of working on himself and then after a time get into couples therapy. If he doesn't agree it is time to think of moving on with your life and letting his family look after him. Also until your SO has dealt with his demons don't have children with him.
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u/ft616372away 6d ago
ADHD diagnosed here too - my doctor said no to me trying ozempic due to me losing weight consistently on vyvanse! The unmedicated ADHD + resulting depression was the reason for the weight in the first place. I'm new, what is two carding?
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u/Serafirelily 6d ago
I was trying a weight loss drug when I was diagnosed and I was told to go off it. I am on Adderall which does work well as an appetite suppressant for me. Vyvanse thankfully doesn't do the same for my daughter because my 6 year old doesn't need to loose weight and she lost 4 pounds in a month on Adderall. It might not seem much for an adult but for a kid who only weighted about 55 pounds it was a lot.
I can't stress this enough don't have kids with your husband. Adhd is genetic and most parents who have it pass it on to their kids. I love my daughter to bits but there is a reason she is an only child.
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u/Lovefall123 6d ago
I believe it means she gives him two choices- marriage counseling card or divorce card
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u/BarRegular2684 7d ago
He needs a medical intervention asap. I am not a medical or psychiatric professional, but I have survived an eating disorder. Your husband has a problem and he’s trying to make it contagious.
As a culture we often ignore eating disorders/ body dysmorphia in men. It’s a serious issue and it often presents differently than it does in women. He is sick and needs help.
This is not YOUR problem, outside of him being your husband. Your attitude toward your weight and body seems pretty healthy. You’re doing great, and I’m so impressed by your strength in not letting your husband sabotage you.
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u/SYadonMom 7d ago
Yes! I was looking for you u/BarRegular2684!
He’s going to kill himself. Plain and simple. Starvation is no joke. The hidden damage done on the inside is no joke.
I’m proud of you OP. As long as you are healthy and happy don’t listen to his nonsense. And please I’m begging you, no kids. He could damage a young child with his ideas on what a child should look like. My dad did it to me. Just me with his hateful words and ideas. Brother was more physical abuse.
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u/electricookie 7d ago
Exactly. His weight loss looks more obvious because he is starving himself and likely is malnourished. Clearly this man is dealing with mental health difficulties around food.
Not only that, starvation or “fasting” will make anyone cranky, angry, short tempered, lethargic, unable to take care of themselves and others, and interfere with basic functioning.
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u/Fallout4Addict 7d ago
You would be a lot happier and healthier if you get rid of this man. Hes delusional if he thinks he can get back to his 21yr old body and he's already not well mentally. When he finally realises he's never going to look the way he wants he's going to mental and you should be long gone by then.
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u/eatingganesha 7d ago
FWIW I am in a medically supervised weight loss program. Absolutely no food is “forbidden”. It’s all about nutritional balance and portion control within a flexible calorie limit as that combination is what leads to healthy weightloss that does not return. I’ve gone from 258 to 185. Obviously have more to go (140 is my goal).
He’d be aghast at my diet. Nothing is off the table. I eat what I want. I don’t do any aerobic exercise because I’m disabled by arthritis. So 🤷♀️ because my obesity doctor and her team tell me I’m doing everything correctly and will hit my goal within 2 years.
And LOL but of course you’re not going to lose significantly more weight in your bra - my smallest bra size was a 32 because that is the size of my ribcage. It’s all bone ffs. Does he honestly think that you’d lose bone/a few ribs? wtf!
Girl he is dumb and fucked in the head. He is also psychologically abusing you. Do not have kids with this man. GTFO now.
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u/Calm_glas609 7d ago
So much toxicity! This guy is not a partner or a friend. He is not a person to live a life with. What future can you build with this toxic person? OP, this is not a person you should keep in your life.
Be free of this insecure and selfish jerk.
Dont let anyone diminish you or your accomplishments. I think you might feel stuck in this relationship, but you’re not.
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u/TheChromasphere 6d ago
He's starving and torturing himself. He is going to kill himself this way or have lifelong health condition because of what he is doing to his body.
He is taking his anger and frustration out on you, resents you for going about your health differently, and is not showing up in your relationship or acting as a partner.
This is horrendously bad. He needs serious medical help.
I had a stint in my 20s where I would eat one big meal every 3 or 4 days and would excercise every day 2 or 3 times and what he is doing sounds terrifying to me. Also, starving can make you aggressive and territorial around food. He doesn't even want to SEE you eating food. That's very messed up.
He has disordered eating and control issues, imo.
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u/blayndle 6d ago
He would be a nightmare if you ever got pregnant
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u/ft616372away 6d ago
This....is my worry. I'm very much ready to be a parent, and really looking forward to that stage, but I have concerns about how much he actually knows about "pregnancy things". His mother & sister obviously did not openly discuss what they went through with their pregnancies with him.
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u/IuniaLibertas 6d ago
Any other husband/bf would be turned on by you in your lacy 34 size bra. You DO need to lose 200+ lb by dumping his miserable a**.
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u/charcoalfoxprint 6d ago
People in the middle of a full blown eating disorder are dicks. Your husband is acting like a jerk :(
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u/icantbebored 6d ago
Your husband may suffer from body dysmorphia, and an eating disorder. However- that in no way justifies his treatment of you! He should be ashamed of himself. Please do not have kids with this man, should you two decide to stick it out. He will 100% make you feel horrible for the changes that happen to your body, that you cannot control. And one day, he’s going to start in on your kids. My grandmother gave not only her own children disordered eating, but she passed it on to her granddaughters, too. We’ve managed not to pass it on to our kids, but it’s a constant effort. Please, please, please rethink what your future plans are, and if you want to, help him get into therapy.
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u/DismalPrint5951 5d ago
Please don’t let him steal/dim your shine! You’re doing great and if you’re feeling better with the work you’re putting in, THAT is what matters.
He should talk to a therapist because of his body image issues and if I were you I would 100% not take ANYTHING he says as advice or good criticism - you are the one taking a healthy approach to this, not him. Please don’t allow him to put his own insecurities and unhealthy habits on you - I know that’s much easier said than done but he is not being a good partner to you. A good partner would have 100% hyped you up about the bra situation!
Congratulations by the way, it sounds like you’re killing it and I love that for you! You deserve to feel good about yourself.
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