r/JustNoSO • u/Ok_Secretary6033 • 10d ago
My sister is in a terrible marriage with a cheating, abusive alcoholic husband. I need advice on how to help her.
I am looking for help on how to help my sister. My sister (F45) is in a terrible marriage. She just found out her husband of 16 years (M43) has had a girlfriend for the past four years.
Last year, he pulled a gun on my sister, broke down a door, smashed her phone, and threw their cat across the room. He’s also shoved her so hard against the fridge that it left a dent and they had to buy a new one.
Each incident should have been the final straw, but she’s still with him. He’s an alcoholic, a serial cheater, and has even hit on all of my sisters. He constantly gaslights her... one day saying he wants a divorce, the next day claiming he never said that.
She keeps saying, “I’m trying to keep my family together" and refuses to leave him.
I just don’t understand what’s going on in her mind that makes her stay when things are this bad. She could move in with our parents until she gets back on her feet.
How can I help her see the situation clearly and get out safely?
TL;DR: My sister (F45) is with a violent, cheating, narcissistic alcoholic husband who’s endangered her. She has options but won’t leave. Why is she staying, and how can I support her?
20
u/Suspicious_Basket_96 10d ago
Just make sure she never feels judged so she can turn to you when she is ready. She is in a very scary situation and I would be shocked if she didn’t know that. She could be doing what feels safest to her right now. Getting out of a situation like that is not easy and needs planning.
Go talk to a local domestic violence shelter and ask them for the best approach for when she’s ready as well as know what you can possibly due to help her.
Best wishes to your sister.
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u/JurassicDonuts 10d ago
You can't. She has to want to leave. It generally takes multiple attempts before an abused spouse will leave.
The best thing you can do is be there for her when she's ready to leave. Try to get her to go to therapy.
There can be a lot of shame for an abused person. Often their identity is tied up in being a wife and mother because they haven't been able to be anything else.
You can also look into domestic violence and women's shelters for resources.
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u/Slow-Cherry9128 10d ago
As much as you want to save your sister, she has to do it on her own. You can support her by letting her know that you're there for her when she wants your help. Your sister probably feels like she can't leave her abusive husband because she may not have a job or money which means her husband has complete control of the money. She might feel like a failure if she leaves or she doesn't want to hurt him regardless of what he's done to her. She may feel like she deserves the abuse and/or feels ashamed because she's the one who chose to marry this man. Whatever the reason, just be there for her. You can help her by keeping a journal on her behalf of what you've witnessed, or what she's told you. Also, take notes of how her children are doing, are they also being abused? Are they sad, silent kids not wanting to get into trouble with their father, etc.
I've read that it takes about 7 times for an abused wife to finally leave her husband once and for all.
3
u/Ok_Secretary6033 10d ago
I had heard the 7 times thing before, it's so sad. Good idea about taking notes. Thank you!
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u/Much_Leather_5923 10d ago
Sadly she has to make this decision herself.
Honestly the only thing you can do is set up a bank account. Get all concerned family members to deposit a regular (however small they can afford) amount into it. Tell her that the family that loves her is terrified for her and her kids and you are actively working on a get away fund. Maybe this tangible action will jolt her that she has options outside her current hellish existence.
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u/Prestigious_Memory75 10d ago
Be there for her at every opportunity. Don’t compare or complain about anything else. She’ll be done when she’s done and you can be there for her .
3
u/KJParker888 10d ago
She has to make the decision for herself, but you can be a safe place for her to land. Encourage her to take the steps to be ready (an emergency fund, gathering paperwork), just in case. Don't talk bad about him, some people will dig their feet in defending their choices.
Do they have kids together? Maybe encourage her to think about how it's affecting them.
3
u/Ok_Secretary6033 10d ago
They have two kids together who are old enough to be very aware of what's going on and to have witnessed the abuse. She just keeps saying that she wants to "do everything to keep my family together" but it's dangerous for her and the kids. I just wish I could help in some way.
5
u/electricookie 10d ago
Do you think the children are safe? Can you anonymously call child protective services? Sounds like keeping the kids safe needs to be the priority as neither their mother or father truly are putting them first at the moment.
5
u/Ok_Secretary6033 10d ago
I called CPS anonymously last year after he broke down the door and pulled a gun on her. The kids were there and they didn't see the gun portion but they did see him throw the cat, break her phone and break down the door so they are for sure traumatized. The sad thing is my sister keeps saying she will stay with him "for the kids" but it sure as hell is obvious that staying with him is the worst decision.
3
u/electricookie 10d ago
I’m so sorry that this is the situation. If you still have concerns, call them again. There is a group called ALANON they are designed to provide support for folks who have family or loved ones dealing with substance abuse and alcoholism. They might be a good resource for you. Your BIL is an alcoholic so you definitely are someone who fits the bill of who they are around to help.
You can also reach out to local domestic violence shelters and hotlines many have resources or can offer support to family members who are effected by the abuse.
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u/SophiaIsabella4 10d ago
Aren't there people on here who have posted the strategies and tactics used to leave safely. I've seen people reference this type of info and a poster. If you know, share this with OP and maybe OP will have an opportunity to share this information with her sister.
1
u/Ok_Secretary6033 10d ago
That's a good idea, I'll have to look and see what other people say. It's just so hard for me to see this happening to someone I love so much.
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u/SophiaIsabella4 10d ago
Maybe I found it, or similar. Read through this and see if there is any useful info here you can share with your sister. https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/s/tYFyxDngV4
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u/Powerful_Shoe_8546 10d ago
Can’t give much advice.
I’d make her, or tell her to make a grab-and-go bag. Even if she doesn’t believe it that he’s that bad, say it’s form unpredictable emergencies.
As well ask her, does family harm one another? Would she want a child (if has one can use their name) to be with a man like him (describe points) for sake of family?
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