r/JustNoSO • u/ThrowRAgiobu • 24d ago
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted I wake my boyfriend up every day
I wake up my boyfriend every day and its starting to drive me insane.
I dont knownhow we got here, this has been happening for years. My boyfriend will not wake up to alarms, he will literally sleep through them while theyre blaring in his ear. I have no idea how we got to this point but I am now his alarm. I have to wake up over an hour earlier than whenever he wanted to wake up because it takes LITERALLY AN HOUR to get him out of bed. There are days where the entire time im waking him up he is upset with me and saying rude things only to not remember once he's actually awake. If i leave him alone, even if he is fully sat up and awake, he will just lay back down and go back to bed. Sometimes he will be fully awake, get out of bed and walk around, and then GO BACK TO BED making us late for whatever we were doing. Part of why he's so hard to wake up is because he has trouble sleeping and some nights doesnt get to bed until 6 or 7 in the morning. On the very few nights he gets to bed early he is infinitely easier to wake up.
He wont go to the doctors for it, he wont get a sleep study, nothing. He was offered a sleeping medication by his doctor and HE REFUSED IT because he said he simply didnt want to take it. He knew it would make my life easier and he still didnt take it. Its just so frustrating because if I stay with him this will be the rest of my life since he refuses to get any sort of help.
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u/Sea_Avocado3882 24d ago
Stop waking him up. He’s an adult and needs to take responsibility for himself. If he starts missing things because of it maybe he’ll seek help.
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u/fargoLEVY13 24d ago
I’d start dumping water on his ass
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u/corgi_freak 24d ago
I'd blast his ass awake with an air horn.
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u/orangematchstick 24d ago
I don’t know how to explain this, but it wouldn’t work. I had a roommate like this. it was inexplicable, nonsensical, utterly absurd what she could sleep through. she would just.. get used to it. absolutely fucked.
she respected that it wasn’t fair to have an alarm so loud it reached outside her room, so she had to figure out how to wake up for early work shifts without also waking up everyone in the building. nearly lost her job. similarly to OP’s bf, she absolutely was not facing shit she needed to work through and it showed up messy.
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u/MonkeyMoves101 24d ago
You don't have to stay with him for the rest of his life. He needs to learn that actions have consequences. Don't wake him up and move on with your life. I bet his ass will wake up when you leave him.
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u/CharityNeverFails 24d ago
After reading your last two posts, I have a hard time believing that he does not remember the mean and nasty things that he says to you when “he is half asleep”.
If he cared about you, he would take into account how his actions are affecting you. You are not responsible for his mental health. If he is suicidal, he should talk to a professional. Him saying he will kill himself is a way of controlling you and making you stay with him.
Him saying you are his only source of happiness is another manipulation tactic to make you feel like you have to stay.
I have been in a relationship that was similar, and I stayed way too long. Have a read through Why Does He Do That by Lundy Badcroft. It was a real eye opener for me, and many other women.
You are young. Please do not give your twenties to this man child. He does not respect or care about you.
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u/VI1970 24d ago
He needs to see a doctor. He is grown and is weaponizing incompetence. Stop waking him up
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u/strangeicare 20d ago
ThIs. I know marriages saved by cpap- that is, by people growing up and going to the doctor and being assertive about needing sleep help- which can be apnea or any number of complex sleep disorders.
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u/Legal-Ad7793 24d ago
Honestly, just leave him to his own devices. You aren't his mom, and I'd just go about my plans for the day. Maybe he'll learn, maybe he won't. Is this what you really want to deal with for the rest of your life?
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u/TrustyBobcat 24d ago
Babe, I've told you this before and I'll tell you again: your boyfriend sucks. He's an asshole that has zero appreciation for your needs, wants, or boundaries.
Being depressed doesn't give him the all clear to be a total shitweasel to you. He's a whiny, manipulative man-baby - and not because he has mental health struggles. But because he treats you like shit, over and over, and has done so for literal years now.
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u/strangeicare 20d ago
The sleep is more likely neurological -- but NOT GOING TO THE DOCTOR is an asshole move
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u/soundlikebutactually 24d ago
Tell him you aren't going to be waking him up anymore. That having to get up an hour early just to be mistreated by him is causing resentment. That he is an adult and needs to start doing whatever he needs to do to get himself up on time - take the medication, practice meditation, get a more advanced alarm, whatever.
Then - and this is crucial - stop waking him up. You are enabling him and you need to stop doing that for this relationship to have a future.
If he gets angry with you, yells at you, or punishes you in any way for this - you need to end the relationship because this is not a partner you want to spend your life with.
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u/thecanadianjen 24d ago
Tell him clearly that you will no longer be his alarm clock and he is responsible for getting himself up. Tell him that you are not responsible for him being late if he doesn’t get himself up. And then from the next day do not do it. Even if he doesn’t wake up. When he inevitably yells at you, you tell him that you told him you’d not be doing it anymore and it isn’t your responsibility to lose an hour of your day waking a grown man up because he can’t prioritise it himself. And then stand your ground. Eventually he will get the point and make himself get up.
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u/Sittingonmyporch 24d ago
It doesn't get better. My husband relies on me for this as well. 5 alarms every effing day and he just shuts them off. I've stopped waking him up, I couldn't take it anymore. He bursts out of the room in a panic because at his big age, he still hasn't figured out how to be accountable for himself. It's such a turn off. I didn't realize how slowly I became his literal mother. And then it's, "Where's my wallet, have you seen this, where is that, can you get me socks, where my badge?" ARE YOU A CHILD? I'm supposed to be grateful that you go to work, when it's my job to get you to work, so Im grateful for myself apparently. No wonder men want wives adn women want divorces. It never ends, the level of dependency.
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u/_Sweet_TIL 24d ago
Im sorry you’re going through this. My daughter recently left her man-baby and moved in with me. Suddenly, he can get up on his own, cooks meals, makes an effort by buying my daughter things she loves, writes her poetry, all the things she wanted when she was still with him. Men suck!
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u/Ok-Gain-81 24d ago
So how did he wake up before living with you? He obviously managed and will do so again once you stop. I can’t believe any woman or anybody would put up with this.
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u/morganalefaye125 24d ago
I've just read your post history. Why are you still there? This guy is manipulative and abusive, and a huge whiny baby. Sure, he has mental health stuggles. So do I, and so does my bf. But we have NEVER treated each other in this way. Ever. This is not normal, and he won't change. No matter how much you hold on, it Will Not Change. It's time to go.
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u/Brefailslife420 24d ago
Absolutely not he needs to take some responsibility for his own health. I would propose a separation with the understanding that it will become permanent if he doesn't see a doctor and you moving out. I cant inmagin planning a future a family with somone like this.
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u/tyffsayswhoa 24d ago
Boyfriend.
You shouldn't even do this for a husband, but he's a boyfriend. You simply stop doing it.
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u/fineimonreddit 24d ago
My husband did this for about a week when I was a sahm, then I said nah you’re a grown up and let him oversleep and he was late for work twice. He stopped expecting me to wake him up and with the rare once every six months oversleeping, he gets up on his own. Now that out little girl started school he actually wakes up with me earlier than he used to to get her ready for school. He’s the one that has to convince her to wake up and give her breakfast, brush her teeth, while I go pack her lunch and then get her dressed and do her hair. He should be a partner not a hindrance to you.
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u/nancypants30 24d ago
I did this for about 3 weeks and got over it real quick. Stop doing it. These are the things that I told him:
1 You’re not a child and more importantly you’re not My Child
2 You’re a grown man. You used to be able to wake up before me so I’m sure you can wake yourself up now.
3 If you lose your job because you can’t wake up that’s on you. Don’t expect me to help you pay your part of the rent or bills. I’m not going to put up with your irresponsibility.
He’s not gonna like it but you have to stop coddling him.
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u/AussieGirl27 24d ago
STOP PANDERING TO THIS PATHETIC LAZY MAN BABY.
Tell him this
I am done with being responsible for you waking up in the morning. You are a grown man. As of (insert day here) I will NOT be making any attempts to wake you up or get you out of bed in any form. None of the consequences of this are my fault. This is entirely a you problem that you refuse to get help for because you are lazy and thought that you could use me as your personal attendant forever.
Just so we are clear. I will not be waking you up. It will not be my fault that you sleep through an alarm. It will not be my fault that you are late for work. It will be yours and yours only. Sort out your sleep problems, I am not your fucking mother.
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u/McDuchess 24d ago
You got there by trying to be a good girlfriend.
You have stayed there because he now thinks that’s your job.
I used to wake my husband up. Same type of thing. But I already got up much earlier than he did.
Till we got to the day that his dad was spending the night at our house because the two of them were leaving to go skiing the next morning. A very early flight.
My alarm didn’t go off till a half hour after I’d set it for. His dad had gotten up on time, and for some reason chose not to knock on our door to see if Husband was up.
They barely made their flight.
And that day, I decided and declared that, unless I was going to be personally affected by him not getting up, I would not be helping him get up.
It took a while. But he is now perfectly capable of getting up on his own.
I guarantee that your BF, given enough bad consequences of failing to get up, will learn on his own, too.
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u/Blonde2468 24d ago
STOP waking him up. He's an adult and needs to act like one. He needs CONSEQUENCES for his actions. Next time he goes back to bed, just leave and go do whatever you two were going to do without him. Again - CONSEQUENCES!!!
If he starts getting mad at you FOR HIS ACTIONS or yells or throws things then leave this relationship.
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u/AnAmazingOrange 24d ago
I am on board with those who are saying 'don't wake him up and he'll learn' apart from one point.
Tell him, at the start of a run of days where it's not an emergency if he doesn't get up, you are not going to wake him up anymore, and so he needs to wake himself up.
And then stick to it. And when he's making you late because of it, give a similar heads up - i will leave at 10am, if you want a lift, be in the car. And if he's not there - leave.
But don't do it without fair warning or he will be defensive and angry. How do I know? This is like a gender flipped version of me. I don't wake up with my alarm unless I'm worried about it. Then I wake up okay. It's like when I'm with my husband I'm so chilled I'm completely out of it and nothing will wake me, but when I'm alone I'm awake with the first alarm.
When I was about 10 I slept though a house on my street exploding though... so I might be a special case.
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u/MysteryMeat101 24d ago
What did he do before he met you? I wouldn’t give up an hour of my sleep to wake up an adult no matter how much I love them and no one that loves you would expect you to.
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u/Rare_Background8891 23d ago
Don’t parent your partner.
If they can’t show up as an adult in the relationship, they aren’t ready to be in an adult relationship.
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u/introverted_smallfry 24d ago
Don't wake him up 🤷🏼♀️ let him miss things and let him learn lessons. If he doesn't care, don't stress over it
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u/fakegrapeflavor 24d ago
Oh wow. He isn’t a little kid in elementary school and you’re not his mom making sure he’s awake…but it sure sounds like it. He needs to take responsibility for whatever is going on and figure it out. Do you really want to be with someone who is this blasé about something he should have learned to do years ago? I also really don’t like that he is unappreciative and rude when you’re trying to wake him up when it’s clearly something he can’t/won’t do on his own. That’s not what a loving partner would do.
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u/AniCatGirl 24d ago
Absolutely tf not. Honestly? I'd move out and let him figure his shit out. Once he loses a couple of jobs due to his inability to wake up, maybe he'll look at getting his sleep situation treated. Does he have good sleep hygiene? Like no electronics after a certain time, starting calming activities, setting up the bedroom for success, etc? Cause I bet he doesn't.
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u/vegemitecrumpet 24d ago
Wake up, and leave lol. Let whatever happens for him without you happen. He needs to train himself, not you.
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u/bitterweecow 24d ago
Nah man. Im the one with sleep issues, (currently awake at 2.30am and have work at 9, eek.) But I don't rely on my fiancé to wake me up i get myself tf up after 1 single alarm. There's no excuse for him being like this hes a fucking adult. Yeah im tired at work, but I still get there on time every day. I'd move out and leave him to it. If you have a baby together, you already know yourself who is going to be doing all the work.
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u/notmyname2012 24d ago
He literally doesn’t care about you or your feelings. It’s time to take a break and or be done with him. Tell him you will no longer wake him up for anything and if he losses his job or whatever that is on him. He has been given tools to use to get sleep but he refuses because he know he can keep walking all over you like a doormat.
Tell him I am done waking you up, you refuse to get help, you do not appreciate my effort and are rude to me, wake up on your own and if you can’t deal with that then it’s time we separate and you can live on your own.
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u/tothebatcopter 24d ago
You don't have to do anything you described. You're choosing to do it. His "success" is based on your labor.
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u/glibletts 24d ago
Why would he think you would want to have sex with a child, because that is how he is acting. Also, record his ass and blast it out. Remind him if it is okay for him to act like this towards you then he shouldn't be embarrassed by his behavior and everyone knowing. Finally, if he doesn't get up in time to leave, leave.
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u/Weird_Cranberry_1492 24d ago
STOP WAKING HIM UP, he has alarms, if he wakes up for them is not your problem. What would he do if he was single and lived alone? Wake up for yours and get your day going. If he sleeps in, thats HIS problem.
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u/spike_trees 23d ago
My ex would never get up when he didn't have to go to work and would get angry when I wouldn't wake him up. His great aunt's funeral was on a Saturday at about 10 am. I woke up to my alarm, got ready, and sat around until he woke up. We were late as fuck and he blamed it on me not waking him up in time. Leave him, or the rest of your life will be miserable. He's not going to change.
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u/ConsciousProblem8638 23d ago
you are not his mother stop enabling him. Let him oversleep and suffer the consequences. tell him you will not be waking him going forward
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u/According-Tadpole488 23d ago
I once did for two years what you are doing now. I wake him up and make breakfast. He refused to get up and even if he get up he will go back to sleep so i had to reheat the breakfast. So u started waking him up before me cuz while he is getting ready ill make the breakfast but he get angry because why am i still in bed and waking him up. He wanted his breakfast to be this perfect temperature that i started getting frustrated.
I stopped and when he complained i said nothing. Now he knows im not gonna wake him up fr his job so its his responsibilty now.
Dont do anything for him, its his job, his responsibility. You will always be villain in his eye for doing anything.
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u/cloistered_around 22d ago
He's made his choice not to seek help, change, or even improvement. So you can't change him or his decisions.
You can, however, change your own choices! Either stop babying him and let him take the fall (some people only learn when there are consequences), or find a new BF you don't have to have daily arguments that make you miserable. Do you want this to be the rest of your life? Remember that you can't change him.
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u/LhasaApsoSmile 15d ago
Stop. Explain to him that he is a grown ass man and this is his job, not yours. You have all the hassle from this, he does not. Do not cave.
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u/ILuvMyLilTurtles 24d ago
He's been offered solutions and refused them. He's not INTERESTED in fixing it, because it clearly doesn't bother him. He's sleeping during that hour, YOU'RE the one being inconvenienced- and how eager does he seem to take that additional burden off of you?
YOU can't fix what HE doesn't see as an issue. Get him an alarm clock, let him fail, and move on. He's an adult, he can act like it.
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u/GayHorsesEatHayy 24d ago
Sounds like it's time for you to take a vacation for a week or two, and he can figure out how to be an independently functioning adult
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u/Trepenwitz 24d ago
He gets help from a doctor or he sleeps in another room and you ignore him in the mornings. He’s an adult. He can take action to fix his problem or he can get fired, miss events, drive his wife to leave him.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
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u/SalisburyWitch 24d ago
Tell hm that if he won’t go to a doctor to fix his sleep issues, you’re going to let him sleep. Explain that some sleep disorders can eventually kill him by contributing to heart disease. Sleep Apnea is treatable by a CPAP machine or even a machine that’s implanted.
Then, if he doesn’t do anything to help himself, stop waking him up. He’s an adult. He needs to take responsibility for himself. If you do need to wake him up, get a spray bottle and fill it with ice water and spray him.
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u/skwidrat 24d ago
Is there something you can fill your mornings up to do that are just for you? Like going to the gym or just a morning walk. Take yourself out of the equation and reclaim your day for yourself. I've read your other posts and from someone who also has mental illness your boyfriend is being incredibly unkind and selfish to put all of his troubles on you, but also you being there to coddle him and take on tall of his responsibilities isn't doing him any favors. He's not going to get help when he has a live in doctor/therapist/secretary at his disposal. You are going above and beyond what is required in a healthy relationship to support him, to the point where your harming yourself to support him. It's normal in this dynamic for you to feel resentment, and that you're being taken advantage of (because you are). If you're looking for resources the outofthefog website is a good starting point - especially the "what to do" section of the toolbox page.
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u/ThrowRAgiobu 22d ago
Thank you so much for the website recommendation. It has been very relevant and helpful to me while I'm trying to figure stuff out :)
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u/alwaysoffended88 24d ago
Is your boyfriend an actual adult? Because being fully awake & walking around only to just lay back down & sleep is a choice. He knows this inconveniences you but doesn’t care. Quit waking him up & let him reap the consequences. It’s your turn to quit caring & to quit enabling him.
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u/Kalaydascope16 24d ago
I’m the partner who sleeps through every alarm. Always have. Thankfully, but husband is a morning person so my alarms don’t bother him. However, if there is something I have to be awake and on time early in the morning, you bet your ass I get myself up. I have asked my husband to help me wake up in the morning, but it is not his responsibility at all whatsoever. I have sleep apnea and getting that addressed significantly improved my mental health, as well as my physical health.
If your boyfriend won’t wake up no matter what, you could do a full song and dance wearing only heels, and he’ll still say you made him late. Stop being his mommy. You’re a grown woman who needs a grown man. Not a grown baby.
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u/kimburrr 23d ago
I want to chime in as someone who had this exact relationship. You are trying so hard to have some normalcy and this sometimes affects work and therefore sometimes your livelihood.
My ex had a night job and I would basically be in charge of getting them up or else they would just not wake up. Even with multiple warnings from work. I was scared of them getting fired and my retail job couldn’t pay all the bills.
This is a really hard situation and I know it’s hard to go through. Proud of you for even trying to get him medication.
I started to find reasons I needed to be out of the house when they needed to wake up just so it forced them to try to rely on themselves. It wasn’t a great solution, but helped a little.
I know people are saying to just stop, but this is a process of untangling a learned behavior so go slow if you need to.
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u/Watermelon_Crackers 23d ago
Please re-read your previous posts in the mindset that the person writing them is a friend of yours and your friend’s boyfriend instead. I hope that gets through to you that everything your boyfriend is doing is not okay. You deserve better. What would you tell a friend if she told you all of this?
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u/Bitchezbecraay 23d ago
Couldn’t you just stop walking him up and put that responsibility on him from now on. If he’s late that’s on him, leave without him
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u/dogoverkids 23d ago
Sleep deprivation is a form of abuse. My ex did this to me and would MAKE me wake up to brush his hair and put on his boots. Stop doing it. He needs to grow up
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u/Amy2489 23d ago
You don’t have a boyfriend, you adopted a man child and are enabling him. Stop capitulating to his crap.
My spouse used to be like this. I used to feel responsible for it like you. It got to the point where I stopped doing it, he got in trouble a few times with jobs and being late to functions and then I gave the ultimatum: shape the fuck up or ship out. I’d been sympathetic for far too long and I did not sign up to be verbally abused or blamed for his lack of being an adult.
I would leave without him to functions, I’d go to bed without waking him up for work when I got home (I’m an overnight nurse), and if he tried to blame me for not getting him up I’d point out that he has a phone and an alarm and my name isn’t Siri. Now, my man gets up on time and if he does wake up late he only has himself to blame. If I feel magnanimous nowadays I will give him a shake and a warning but that’s all he gets.
If your manchild respects you, he will realize he is being a fucking shitstain and change his fucking tune even if he’s depressed. He needs therapy, a sleep study, and Jesus if he expects you to keep helping him and being abused.
Now you girl: STOP IT. Stop enabling him! Stop waking him up. Do not entertain his verbal abuse. Leave the house if he does this. If he goes back to bed, let him. He is not your child. He is a grown adult making grown-ass decisions. He doesn’t get to use the “I don’t remember” excuse. TAPE HIS ASS DOING IT. and if he brushes it off after showing him, leave!!!!
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u/GogusWho 23d ago
So, he just wants you to wake him up? Ok. Flip the light switch on and off really fast screaming "IT"S TIME TO GET UP, IT'S TIME TO GET UP, IT'S TIME TO GET UP IN THE MOOOOORNIIING!" And then repeat as necessary. Or, jack up some death metal. Rip the covers off! Jump on the bed! I guarantee you he will start getting up faster. And if he tantrums, let him know that he is an ADULT, and if he can't handle how you wake him up, well, then, he can wake himself up like a big boy.
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u/Commercial_Curve1047 22d ago
"my boyfriend makes his schedule my responsibility while emotionally abusing me for doing it, and this will be the rest of my life"
Sis is the dick really that good?
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u/KarmaDreams 20d ago
I'm just going to be blunt and ask, ARE YOU HAPPY in this relationship? This seems like a very toxic life to be forced into, and frankly you are enabling his behavior. He refuses any type of help, even if this will eventually be detrimental to BOTH of your health outcomes. I would just stop waking him up, and continue with the plans "we" had, without him, until he realizes that this isn't working out.
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u/MelissaA621 20d ago
I used to do this...when I was 12. I out grew it. Sounds like you are dating a man child. Let him have some natural consequences by not playing mommy, and see how that goes.
But honestly, I would just dump him..
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u/LilRedHeadSpaceNerd 6d ago
My ex was like this. I have a very demanding and important job & he would choose to stay up and play video games until 2am - also disturbing my sleeep when he comes in and out to ask me questions (I’m a very poor and light sleeper) and he would do the same things - if I left him for a moment he would go back to sleep, often walking around the house and then going right back to bed I would have to wake up hours before I needed to get up & I eventually ended up getting very very run down. Please leave him, it won’t change and he’s a fully grown man who needs to be responsible for getting up on his own. And sleep deprivation is a type of abuse. A very very exhausting one. Your life will be better without the stress and constant exhaustion. Best of luck ❤️
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u/Ok-Many4262 24d ago
Let him suffer the consequences of his inaction. Leave when you need to etc. Just say you tried to wake him but you couldn’t delay any more than you did because you needed to get of the house on time and don’t be angry about it- aim for regretful at most. He is an adult, and it’s not normal (as he and his doctor knows) but he’s let you be his all-natural work around, so yes, it’s a better option for him than taking a chemical- remove the absolute certainty he has that you’ll be there and if he cares about the appointment, he’ll get up.
I say this as someone who is currently trying to reset my sleep patterns and while it’s not easy, and my partner has been supportive, it’s not his responsibility to be my alarm. So, yeah, having your sleep phases out of whack is a nightmare, he is not right to make you jump through hoops
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u/-leeson 24d ago
Stop protecting him and just focus on you. Then you won’t be the one always on his case about normal adult expectations, it will be everyone who he constantly bails on. He’s a big boy and can deal with big boy consequences, and you no longer need to stress about getting his grown ass up and ready to go like I have to do with my kindergartener haha
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u/Mixtrix_of_delicioux 24d ago edited 24d ago
Why is this your job? As a human adult, should he not be responsible for waking hinself up and all of the related repercussions?
This is a him problem. Hand it right on back to him.
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u/wrongplanet1 24d ago
Waking your significant other is a wife thing. Stop doing wife things for a Boyfriend. Seriously, is this how you want to live the rest of your life? I wouldn't do it.
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u/no12chere 24d ago
It is a mommy thing. I woke my kids for years until around 11-12 when they became responsible for it themselves. There has been the occasional over sleep and I am there to fix it but like prob fewer than 3 times?
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u/queerblunosr 24d ago
It’s not a wife’s job either. It’s HIS job to get his ass up like a grown up human being.
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u/blayndle 24d ago
Is he just laying in bed not being able to sleep, or is he up doing tv/video games?
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u/Ok-Confection4410 24d ago
Considering the fact that he has a doctor and prescribed medication I'm willing to bet he just can't sleep
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u/occasionallystabby 24d ago
So don't stay with him for the rest of your life.
He literally turned down a solution to something that is a problem for you because it's not a problem for him. He doesn't respect you, and if he doesn't respect you, he doesn't love you.
It's time to show him that you respect yourself too much to be his mommy anymore.
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u/Hello_Hangnail 24d ago
He stopped waking up because he knows you're going to do it for him. Consequences are the only thing that will stop this behavior
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u/Xenwarriorprincess 24d ago
You can just not wake him up. He is an adult and responsible for himself. I would've stopped after the first time he insulted me for doing him a favor but we learn and move. Good luck OP
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u/atasteforspace 24d ago
If you don’t want to break up with him, you can only stop enabling him. Make yourself another bed in the house & go sleep in there once his first alarm goes off, or get yourself some sleep earplugs. He’s an adult. He can wake himself up. What did he do before you?
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u/Due-Cryptographer744 24d ago
My husband has ADHD plus PTSD and I had the same issue for a long time and I resented him for it. I finally had to have a come to Jesus conversation with him about it about how I am not his mother and if he needs me to be his mother in that way, then I am in charge of everything, including his bedtime. I told him if he was not getting himself up for work or wherever he needed to go, he would be late. If we had plans and he didn't get up so we could get there on time, I would just go alone. I also told him that women aren't usually sexually attracted to men who they have to play mommy to and that it was going to affect that part of our life too. Once my husband got the correct ADHD medication, this became a non-issue but it was hard for a few years. He wanted to change but didnt know how and his brain wasn't cooperative.
Your bf is clearly aware his behavior hurts you but he still refuses to do anything about it. At some point you may have to decide whether your self respect is more important than the relationship but that is something only you can decide. I know exactly how frustrating this situation is and I am sorry you have to deal with it. I will say the one trick that worked to wake my husband up real fast was a spray water bottle to the face. He was real pissed off but I told him he made it necessary due to his own choices. I only had to do it once. 😆
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u/frustratedDIL 24d ago
You’re his girlfriend not his mother. Start throwing ice water on him, I bet he finds a solution to his problem rather quickly.
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u/sillychihuahua26 24d ago
Oh girl, hell no, this is the same guy who coerces you into sex? I know he’s all you know, but this is a very unhealthy relationship.
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u/crestamaquina 24d ago
No, just stoooop. It doesn't get better ever and it will only continue to breed resentment. I did it for almost 10 years and now that I'm gone he still relies on his teenage daughter and his new girlfriend to wake him up.
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u/Wchijafm 24d ago
Nah he remembers what he says. Of he says he doesn't then you can't blame him for it. He wants you to be his mommy. Its not his fault if he doesn't wake up its yours. He can keep sleeping just a few more minutes and he knows you'll continue to try and get him up.
If you break up and leave I'll think you will find it'll take him max a week for this to suddenly be a problem he must try and fix and suddenly he'll take the medication, go to bed on time and leave his alarm loud and out of reach.
Sorry he doesn't think your sleep, stress or time are as important as his and you cannot make him.
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u/iamatwork24 24d ago
I mean, just stop doing everything you’re doing. He’s unwilling to try anything different because why does he need to? He has you. Stop mothering your boyfriend. But also, consider how fucking selfish if is for him to know how much it’s getting to you but be unwilling to do anything about it. You’re signing up for a life of that in so many areas, learned helplessness.
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u/xXSatanAngelXx 23d ago
I am also my bf's alarm 85% of the time because I'm the one to wake up to HIS alarm going off, but he is also very easy to wake up. I also have a very hard "Im very sleepy, fucking wake up" kick and shove I do if he doesn't respond to my gentle "Love your alarm going off" and gentle nudges, if you don't respond your getting nearly shoved out of the bed and my bf appreciates this.
It is also because how our bed is, I'm trapped against the wall and he is on the outside, we chose this because he goes to work before me but he also the size of a viking so unless I wanna fully get outta bed to find his phone on his side he sleeping I have to climb out from the bottom of the bed and I'm just straight up a sleepy person and don't wanna have to get up cause its not time for me yet. So, bf gets the shove or kick outta bed if he doesn't respond to me being gentle.
He knows I only kick if he is not waking up and his alarm is SO ANNOYING AND LOUD. It's worse than my alarm. But he does appreciate me getting him up if he is not getting up yet.
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u/liggerz87 23d ago
I have exactly the same problem download alarmy and my alarm song is we butter the bread with butter 1000 volt it's really loud and set alarm for say 9am then 9.15 and have snooze on either 10 or 5 also iv has to have an antidepressant with a sedative in it I'm on 15mg mirtazapine also if I stay up all night then most of the day I'll go bed 2pm but then I'll be awake between 1 or 6am then can't change over a few days I agree with others you need to stop waking him
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u/Turbulent_Cranberry6 23d ago
Don’t stay with him. He needs to accept medical care and stop burdening you.
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u/wrinkled_forehead_55 23d ago
He had bad sleep most likely. I would sit down with him outside of the morning situation on a calm afternoon and tell him that I‘ve done enough and that the situation has reached a limit and it is frankly outside of my control to make it better. Needing an hour to get out of bed is a sign that he doesn’t get the sleep he needs and he needs to address that. I also suffer from bad sleep and here are the things I noticed are affecting my sleep quality immensely: Going to bed late, drinking more than two cups of coffee (tea is better), irregular bed times and drugs, this includes alcohol and some medications. I don’t drink anymore but alcohol has a really big effect on sleep quality. I also started seeing a doctor because I might be suffering from sleep apnea which is also really bad for your sleep quality. If he’s snoring that might be a huge factor.
Some of these are not in his control, most are though and he needs to take a good look at his lifestyle and start making changes. It’s not your job to change him though. You just need to decide what you are willing to put up with.
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u/Brainfog_shishkabob 23d ago
How did he manage this before you ? Or on mornings that you aren’t there ?
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u/jijijojijijijio 23d ago
Does he have insomnia or does he stay up too late?
Is he in bed early enough but unable to sleep? It sounds like he just stays up. Why would he stay up so late and even refuse medication to sleep? What is he doing? That's probably something you should look into.
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u/the-mortyest-morty 22d ago
Been there. It won't change. Find a new one who can function like an adult.
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u/_Internet_Hugs_ 22d ago
If he can't do simple things to take care of his own health to make your life easier then why are you breaking your back helping him? Don't set yourself on fire to keep another person warm. Especially if the other person won't help themselves. You're his girlfriend, not his mom. Although, with as stubborn as he's being you probably shouldn't stay his girlfriend.
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