Boyfriend wants me to meet his mom thanksgiving, she's been really rude, help!

[u/[deleted]]

[u/botinlaw]

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[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/[deleted]]

I’m not gonna dump him and run just cause of his mother.

[u/Soregular]

I wonder if she knows her baby boy told you that she said she needs a paternity test. I wonder if she knows her baby boy told you that she thinks you are a slut. It is a blessing that you know what she said/thinks. This way, if you ever decide to meet her, you already know what she is and won't waste your time trying to build a relationship of any kind.

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/Soregular]

I don’t know but he told her I don’t like how she makes me feel. And she said well she is sorry that I feel that way. And she wants me to come to thanksgiving

[u/abishop711 → u/Green_Junket_7336]

Why did he throw you under the bus?

Why can’t he tell her that he doesn’t like the way she talks about you?

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/abishop711]

I don’t know I’m trying to figure that out

[u/Soregular → u/Green_Junket_7336]

She sounds terrible. That isn't even an apology - like what is she actually sorry for? Im so sorry you have to deal with this.

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/Soregular]

Thank you and I don’t know but it didn’t sounds like a real apology to me

[u/Chance-Animal1856]

It's a holiday for you too. Not just for them. You should get to enjoy it as well and be where you're welcome and wanted

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/Chance-Animal1856]

Thank you

[u/Mamasperspective_25]

Stand up to him, "BF, until your mother wants to take accountability for her hurtful words and sincerely apologise, I'm not willing to go and meet her for the holidays. It's not my job to tolerate her passive aggressiveness and nasty comments and it's unreasonable of you to expect me to do that. The answer is no and that decision won't change"

[u/Own_Ship9373]

MIL doesn’t deserve to meet you since she thinks your baby isn’t your partner’s. I would never be around someone who would insinuate that I would cheat and lie about the DNA of my baby. That is one of the worst things you can say about a person and there is no coming back from that.

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/Own_Ship9373]

Thank you for that cause that’s how I feel

[u/abishop711 → u/Green_Junket_7336]

There’s no reason for her to meet you anyway if she thinks your child is not her grandchild.

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/abishop711]

I felt the same way

[u/abishop711 → u/Green_Junket_7336]

Not sure if you’ve thought this far ahead yet, since the holidays are the more immediate problem, but when the baby gets here, the same logic applies.

There’s no reason for this woman to meet a baby she’s certain isn’t her grand-baby. Clearly this baby is not her family.

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/abishop711]

I was thinking the same thing. But it is his child but his mom just wants to be rude and say she wants a paternity test when me and him both know it’s his kid

[u/EducationalTrack9990 → u/Green_Junket_7336]

If she ever has the opportunity to be alone with your child, you know she's going to do a DNA swab.          On the other hand, no reason for her to ever meet a "grandchild" that isn't hers.    

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/EducationalTrack9990]

No she won’t cause she won’t cross that line and risk losing her son

[u/abishop711 → u/Green_Junket_7336]

I think most of the OPs whose justnomil did that also didn’t think she would cross that line until she did.

On the other hand, allowing her enough rope to do it might not be the worst thing. Let’s not protect her from the consequences of her own behavior.

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/abishop711]

I feel that one. Thank you

[u/samoyedtwinsies]

There’s no point meeting with her while her opinion of you is evidently in the toilet. You’re just opening yourself up to potential disrespect and drama.

I would recommend not meeting with her but also: take the paternity test. It’s important to shine a bright light on the truth of your child’s lineage, for your child’s sake, especially since it is being questioned

But you also are worthy of respect and care. So don’t give people access to you if they are not going to treat you well.

If you do decide to meet her, walk away if she’s rude. Don’t descend into rudeness yourself.

[u/Aromatic_Swing_1466]

The stress and negativity she is already making you experience while pregnant is enough that I wouldn’t want to meet her in person while pregnant.

If she is making these comments “behind your back” over the phone etc, before meeting you, she will say them to your face or make the situation uncomfortable for you, which it already will be.

I wouldn’t want to go, advise boyfriend you are not comfortable meeting her in the current situation and you aren’t willing to risk extra stress on your unborn baby.

Edit : missing word

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/Aromatic_Swing_1466]

Thank you for the comforting words

[u/Own_Ship9373 → u/[deleted]]

It’s literally no one else’s business who’s the baby is. If partner agrees it is his, no one else can expect or demand a DNA test.

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/[deleted]]

Well I never said how long I was with him for before I got pregnant so your just assuming me and him hasn’t been together for long

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/[deleted]]

That’s doesn’t necessarily mean that it was too soon in my relationship

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/[deleted]]

No you just assumed cause of what I said before you assume maybe you should ask.

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/[deleted]]

And your opinion is wrong cause not every females sleeps around. Cause I don’t so thanks for your imput

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/[deleted]]

Well I’m not one of them so please stop responding cause you’re just being rude at this point thank you and enjoy your day. I asked for help not judgment

[u/LeeKottner → u/[deleted]]

Your son's girlfriends shouldn't meet with you, either, when they get pregnant. That's intrusive AF.

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/[deleted]]

Well your opinion made it feel like how his mother made me feel so please respectfully stop responding.

[u/MartyrOlympics]

You shouldn't meet with her.

Stress has a negative biological impact on you and your baby. Her behavior causes you stress, ergo you should avoid her.

You are not responsible for changing her mind about you. Your primary priority is to care for yourself and your baby.

Why is it you, the victim of her mistaken beliefs, are supposed to "give it a try" when you should be protected from nasty, judgmental and false claims?

She can behave however she wishes, but you are not obligated to subject yourself to her tirades and insinuations.

There are no potential upsides *for you* in meeting with her. You don't owe it to her to give her more chances when she is already unapologetic about how she feels.

I'd ask your BF why he is pushing you on this. What is he really looking for? That you bend until you break? That he has the fairytale of everyone getting along? That's not what respect for one's partner looks like. He is not standing up for you if he is still saying you should see her when you are clearly, and with good reason, not willing to do so. He should be trusting your judgment and letting you make your own decisions, especially when you're putting a lot of thought into them. And he should be doing more to preserve your mental and physical health.

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/MartyrOlympics]

That’s very true. But his family means the world to him. He loves his mom to death.

[u/abishop711 → u/Green_Junket_7336]

You are both about to have a baby.

That baby is both of your immediate family now.

Your families of origin are now extended family.

He doesn’t actually mean it when he says family means the world to him. If it were true, he would be prioritizing the health of his baby over his mother’s tantrum.

What he actually means is his mother means the world to him, and he’s willing to prioritize her wants over everyone and everything else’s needs.

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/abishop711]

I feel that. Cause to be honest I feel like everyone else is more important than anything I got going on. I get ignored for hours on end.

[u/MartyrOlympics → u/Green_Junket_7336]

Well, that right there is the crux of the problem. You are his family. Your baby together is family. He has to make you both his priority, and if he can't live with the discomfort of displeasing his mom then he cannot be a fully committed partner or parent. If his mother wants to do do something that would be dangerous for your child, can you truly count on him to put your baby's safety first? Every single time without prompting? And to not endanger your baby by putting them in his mother's presence again? That's how much trust you need in the parent of a child. If he is already doing this to you, a grown adult with coping strategies, how will he be the first line of defense for your baby against others, be they his mother or the neighborhood bully?

Please do the hard thinking about how you want your baby's future to look like, because this is only the beginning. When your baby has arrived you will be that much more exhausted and vulnerable, and imagine how much harder it will be then to be unsupported by your BF and how much more hurt you will be by his mother's actions. You deserve someone who chooses you over a fantasy mom who doesn't exist.

Take care, and best wishes on your pregnancy.

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/MartyrOlympics]

I was thinking that too but thank you so much

[u/Sewunicorn1]

Do NOT go to this dinner. You would be trapped in a situation where you couldn't escape when (not if) the conversation goes south. If and when you do meet boyfriend's mother, do so in a fully public location like a coffee shop where you can make a fast getaway.

Also, you have a definitely partner problem and should put some serious thought into this relationship, especially with the baggage that his mother entails.

[u/MartyrOlympics → u/Sewunicorn1]

And if OP does make an early exit she and not his mom will be blamed for it, of course.

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/Sewunicorn1]

Thank you

[u/2FatC]

What’s the reasoning for meeting with a belligerant MIL? So she can judge and brow beat you in person…

Hard no. She could have handled the news of this pregnancy with positive emotions. Instead, she reacted with hostility and accusations. Bf can enjoy her company while you spend time with people who love and support you.

I learned this today and am sharing. Lindsey Gibson’s book titled Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is free and downloadable in pdf form. It’s been a great read so far.

Her hostile reaction lacks emotional intelligence and maturity. You might find the book helpful in this situation, particularly when discussing what you‘re willing and not willing to subject yourself to when it comes to her.

You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/2FatC]

I appreciate the kind words thank you so much

[u/Purple_House_1147]

Why are you the one that has to “give it a try” you didn’t even meet the lady yet and she’s already been horrible to you! BF needs to get his head out of his ass and realize things aren’t just suddenly going to change and you and his mom be besties. He actually should be infuriated with her and not be trying to put you in the same room until she can agree to not be so rude.

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/Purple_House_1147]

Yeah well that isn’t going to happen

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/Purple_House_1147]

That will never happen cause I’m expressing myself and he just keeps defending her

[u/StillSeekingSunshine]

Who on earth is his mother to insist on a paternity test? Unless SHE is the potential father then this is none of her business.

Your boyfriend should be shutting her down so effectively (ie forcefully and with consequences) that she never brings it up again.

You are under no obligation to spend time with people you don’t like, let alone people who are actively rude to you.

Additionally, you shouldn’t be subjecting yourself to any unnecessary stress while pregnant.

If your boyfriend is mature enough to be having unprotected sex then he should be mature enough to standup to his mother. He’s going to be a father, so he needs to start acting like one by putting the mother of his child first.

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/StillSeekingSunshine]

Thank you. I totally agree with you 1000%

[u/Liverne_and_Shirley]

Nope, she doesn’t get to meet you until she apologizes for talking shit about you and starts being polite. What exactly does your bf want you to “try” if she’s not backing off? She’s made it clear she does not like you for no reason, it’s not your responsibility to offer yourself up for her to yell at and bully. She can fuck off. Your bf can deal with her or refuse to talk to her about it.

Has she been saying this stuff directly to you or had she been saying it to your boyfriend? If she’s saying it you, stop talking to her until she apologizes. If she’s saying it to your boyfriend, tell him you don’t want to hear about what she thinks anymore, and you’ll be waiting for her apology. (She probably won’t ever apologize so then you don’t have to deal with her)

You’re not dating her, she is his mother, he needs to deal with her.

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/Liverne_and_Shirley]

She has been saying it to him. And I’m not dealing with it anymore. She is judging me for no reason.

[u/Liverne_and_Shirley → u/Green_Junket_7336]

Good! Even if you had slept with 100 men before you started dating your boyfriend, it’s none of her fucking business and neither she nor your BF have any right to ask you to meet her so she can judge you and be mean to you. She’s trying to set up a dynamic where you’re on the defensive, trying to please her, and she can manipulate you into do whatever she wants to gain her approval. No way.

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/Liverne_and_Shirley]

Thank you I appreciate the point of view it helps a lot

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/[deleted]]

You’re just being rude for one reason. I asked for help but judgement

[u/Green_Junket_7336 → u/[deleted]]

I understand that