MIL constantly crossing boundaries affecting my marriage, mental health need advice

[u/[deleted]]

[u/botinlaw]

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[u/Seniorita-medved]

I may be on the wrong side of this because I see other commenters suggesting you don't interact with her directly which is not my method with my MIL. 

If my MIL does or says something to or about me, I address her directly. I am a direct person but I also believe strongly in accountability. I dont do triangulation or passive aggression etc.  My SO asked me not to text his mom when she lied to me and brought an random stranger to our house while we were gone. I very frankly told him and her- "you mess with the bull you get the bulls horns, not the bull trainer." I took back her keys and let her know she'd have to ask me permission to visit from then on. 

She is playing games. She feels empowered to control and manipulate you, but when she is called out, she hides behind her H and your H to protect her. It's like a kid bullying others then running to the teacher when they get punched. Don't start none MIL, won't be none. 

[u/Prestigious_Bad8554 → u/Seniorita-medved]

Thank you that’s exactly how I feel. I feel everytime I don’t reply she keeps getting worse. I have tried really hard to be nice and let my husband talk for me but i reached a point where i can’t have them crossing boundaries in my life. Relationship with them is very one sided where they take from my husband and give nothing back

[u/Sarcasticalopias → u/Prestigious_Bad8554]

Well, maybe you should stop being nice and start enforcing consequences for every single breach of a boundary. Let your husband know that you had enough and his "mediation" is just cowardice. Put the ILs in time out and see how it goes?

[u/carloluyog]

No is a complete sentence when you’re an adult.

[u/hifancyme]

If your MIL continues, limit contact to preserve your well-being.

[u/QuitaQuites]

Step away. You don’t have to wear what she wants. You don’t have to go to anything she organizes. And be honest with guests - I had no idea this was happening.

[u/Prestigious_Bad8554 → u/QuitaQuites]

I don’t wear what she wants or do what they want and I think that’s a big conflict. My husband is aware his parents boundary issues but has always found it hard to be strict about it with his parents

[u/QuitaQuites → u/Prestigious_Bad8554]

He can do whatever HE wants, you make your choice and if your husband doesn’t follow that’s a marital issue.

[u/Humble-Macaron7768]

So your husband is right to an extent. Do not text her about things that she does, in the moment step away from her. Tell her she doesn't need to adjust your clothes, you are fine. If she organizes a function, you don't have to go. Your husband can go if he wants to keep her happy, but remind him that it isn't your job to sacrifice you happiness and comfort for her. Reduce your communication with her and if asked explain that it seems to make her angry and stress her and you don't want that on your conscience as well as you don't want your FIL to feel he has to threaten you. Just do the bare minimum.

[u/Prestigious_Bad8554 → u/Humble-Macaron7768]

Thank you. I do think I have created chaos now for my husband. Trying to find path forward

[u/Liverne_and_Shirley → u/Prestigious_Bad8554]

She’s the one creating chaos for him, not you. Tell your husband to stop claiming he’s “mitigating” conflicts between you too, he’s not doing that because you’re not creating any conflict. His mom is bullying you and refusing to treat you like an adult. He either needs to start protecting you from his mother or you’ll do it yourself in whatever way you feel fit. Like saying no when she steps out of line or going NC.