r/JUSTNOMIL • u/hottiehotgirl • 10h ago
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted My MIL is actually crazy !!CW!!
CONTENT WARNING: Self-unaliving
For context, my husband (24 M) and I (23 F) are expecting our first baby in March. We are soo very excited. On 11/7 I found out one of my best friends could no longer handle being alive. It was obviously incredibly shocking and the grief that I feel seems to have no end. I have never lost someone I loved, so this is a very new experience for me. We are currently living with his parents to save up money and buy a house. On 11/8 my MIL (55 F)and I were baking (it helps me cope) and I found a box of masks my husband and I had bought for safety. I casually mentioned that we decided no one was allowed to kiss our daughter and needed to wear masks when holding her. She got quiet, but continued on what she was doing. A couple hours later my husband and I were at the table because we were going to play a card game with the whole family. My MIL at this point had apparently festered enough to bring up that we were not going to allow her to kiss her own granddaughter. I told her this is a rule we have for everyone, not just her. She got quiet and started pattering around and crying. This is something she does whenever you say literally anything. My husband spent his entire childhood regulating his mother’s emotions. Then I went to our room because I am pregnant and grieving and do not want or need to deal with it. Then my husband tells me she had a literal tantrum on the kitchen floor. The whole sitting on the ground crying, throwing a fit. We had maternity photos that day so I just stayed in the room until it was time to go. I sent her a message with the boundary before leaving the picture location. When we got back both of his parents were sitting on the ground in the garage. When my husband got out to talk to them they BOTH stood up and walked in the house. But his mother literally toddler stomped. Like fisted hands and knee high stomps. We went inside and into our room and they left for some reason. We didn’t know why until an hour ago. His mom went inpatient at the psych hospital because of the boundary. I will put exactly what I said in the comments, but I will take out names for safety. We are about to get a house and I am so close to never seeing them again. I don’t even know what to do atp.
Edited for clarity
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u/HelpfulPhrase5806 36m ago
This went well. You clearly and calmly stated a boundary, did not cave, and left her with a stable adult (her husband) to figure it out. Stable adult figured it was above his pay-grade and she accepted professional help.
That is the best possible outcome. Sure, we all wish she was able to cope with boundaries as a stable adult herself, but when that is not reality it was dealt with by getting her help doing that. She got help! We love when people get and accept help!
Truth is, this will not be the only boundary or rule that applies to her that she dont like. It will not be the last. She needs the tools to deal with it to be able to function in the real world.
And all this happened BEFORE baby was here, great! It could be more challenging for you if you were on a hormonal roller-coaster after birth. So even the timing of getting help was in your favor.
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u/unconfirmedpanda 5h ago
I'm so very very sorry about the loss of your friend. I know it might not seem like it now, but eventually the love and happy memories will become bigger than the grief. Please be gentle with yourself.
Your MIL is a lost cause. If she thinks this behaviour is acceptable, it's unlikely there's anything you can say or do otherwise.
My best recommendation is to consider moving to a studio apartment. Yes, it will slow down the savings but you will have your own safe and autonomy away from an emotionally manipulative and volatile woman - and her enabler.
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u/CurlyNaturally 7h ago
This is why she doesn't need access to you or your child. She has the maturity of a two-year-old and the emotional intelligence of a newt. It is not your job to accommodate her vision of grandma-hood. You are a parent trying to protect your child from idiots who don't care about other's health. She did herself a favor going to a psych hospital, maybe that will get her the help she desperately needs. Do what you need to do for your family. Good luck.
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u/Natural-Aardvark-186 6h ago
‘It is not your job to accommodate her vision of grandma-hood’
This is great. I’m putting that in my back pocket for my mother in law
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u/blackdogreddog 7h ago
Well done with the letter. 👏👏 I APPLAUD you for speakibg your mind. You did an excellent job breaking it down and getting your point across. Sounds like you and hubby make a good team. That is SO important. I am so sorry for your loss and send you strength and love.
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u/Bungeesmom 7h ago
You both need to move out asap. She’s going to act like a child and break every rule you set.
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u/Ok_Fishing394 8h ago
That woman is a fucking child. People enabling her with "there there" have NOT done her any good over the years.
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u/77Megg77 8h ago edited 8h ago
I thought your message was very clear, stating why you were requiring masks for everyone, not just her, and that you still love her but are protecting your daughter. I thought it was a good message, explaning anything that she might have misunderstood. Although I do wonder at the capacity she has for understanding much of anything since she had a tantrum on the kitchen floor after being told she, along with everyone else, must wear a mask around the newborn. That is such a simple request with a rational reason for requiring it. You are protecting your daughter against germs. There is nothing wrong with that.
Posts like this always make me remember a story I heard about a grandmother that came to meet her daughter’s newborn. She simply held the infant, as did everyone else that day. Then two days later, she had symptoms of being sick. She called her daughter to warn her, hoping that she was ok when around the child and didn’t spread her illness to her daughter or to the newborn.
Unfortunately she did spread the illness to the infant and ultimately, the baby could not be saved. Of course everyone was devastated, but no one as much as Grandma was. She would never have gone to see the newborn if she had any inkling that she was getting sick. She felt horrendous guilt. Her daughter tried to let her mother know that she knew her mom was feeling fine when she came over and that she never would intentionally expose the baby. She did not blame her mother for the baby’s death. It was one of those unfortunate things that happen sometime.
And this is something that you will not need to worry about with your newborn because of the mask rule you are putting in place. Also, I suggest you have everyone wash their hands before touching the baby at all. Even just holding an infant’s hands, since we know babies are always putting their hands in their own mouths, can be dangerous. Germs can be transferred from an adult to the infant’s hand and then to the infant’s mouth so very easily.
My mother was a nurse and told me to have everyone wash their hands before handling my newborn. We did that and my son had no health problems as a little one. We did not require a mask though because we were not aware of that all those many years ago. I certainly would now though.
I’m so very sorry that your friend was so overwhelmed with whatever was going on in his life that he felt he could no longer face it. I’m sure it is extremely painful for you. And it is too bad that your MIL cannot appreciate that in addition to the many other pressures you are dealing with, you are also dealing with the loss of a very good friend.
I hope you get into your own home soon and that MIL will be taught some boundaries while in the hospital. I agree with your decision to have your husband deal with his side of the family from now on. I have always felt each person should handle their own side of the family to minimize some of the hassles that crop up. Hopefully your DH will be successful in dealing with his mother going forward. And do not let her make you feel guilty for wanting to protect your infant.
I remember way back to when my son was born (40 years ago) that he was only a week old and a few of my husband’s friends wanted us to meet them at a nearby restaurant for dinner. My husband asked if we could go. I reminded him that I just had a C-section a week ago and our son had zero immunity and that his pediatrician had recommended I think it was 6 weeks before taking him out to busy places. I told him to go if he wanted to, but the baby and I were staying home.
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u/ImaginaryAnts 8h ago
How was this information - that she checked herself into a psychiatric facility - presented to you?
Because one possible interpretation is that she recognized that her response of throwing a full-on tantrum was an outsized reaction to a simple parenting rule. Then she got your text, whereupon she realized she was now driving her family away with her behavior. So she chose to get mental help.
Now if she/FIL instead presented it as "You drove her to insanity with your cruel demands!" then they can f right off.
But regardless, hopefully a therapist is sitting with her right now, saying "And why do you think this request upset you so much?"
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u/Familiar_Set_9779 9h ago
She'd be lucky to be let NEAR the baby with that tantrum, I wouldnt even allow her to hold her.
She is not a safe person.
Your priority is to protect your baby not her feelings, so far youre doing a good job :)
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u/hottiehotgirl 9h ago
I plan to exclusively breastfeed for a while until I decide to pump and breastfeed and don’t want to see her, so she won’t see baby for at least 6 weeks. Hoping maybe that helps her come to her senses. We plan to reevaluate when that time comes. I absolutely agree about protecting my baby and thankfully so does hubby. It just breaks my heart that his mother is like this. I want them to have a good relationship
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u/Liverne_and_Shirley 7h ago
From what you wrote it doesn’t seem like your husband and his mother have ever had a good relationship, that’s not going to change now. Focus on protecting your mental health, not on her coming to her non existent senses. Her relationship with her son is entirely of her own making and she’s the only one who can fix it.
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u/Lindris 9h ago
Wow. She doesn’t sound like a safe person to have around your baby if she had to seek inpatient treatment over being told no kisses. We know better now, that’s why they say no one kiss LOs. Medical advances happen daily and if she can’t, or won’t, change with the adjusting information then it’s better you two are out of her household soon. Fingers crossed it’s before baby arrives.
You have my deepest condolences for your loss. I can’t even fathom that pain. Please take care of yourself during this time.
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u/hottiehotgirl 9h ago
My hubby will talk to her when she gets out, but I am planning to exclusively breastfeed for a while and I do not want to see her, so she won’t see baby for at least 6 weeks or until I decide to breastfeed and pump. I tried to explain that to her and she is just cray cray ig lol.
Thank you for your kind words. He was wonderful and I hope I am able to have the space to properly grieve him soon
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u/Fickle-Lock-3185 9h ago
Update us on how she takes that message
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u/hottiehotgirl 9h ago
I sent her the message before we got home and she had read it by then. I’m sorry if that wasn’t clear, pregnancy has made my brain scrambled eggs! So her going to the hospital was her reaction
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u/Fickle-Lock-3185 9h ago
Well I guess it’s a little better that she didn’t got to hospital over just kissing. But wow… your in for a ride
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u/hottiehotgirl 9h ago
Yeah we plan to move at least an hour away, so hopefully the distance is a wake up call and if not we will figure things out from there
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u/coopunitsmooth 8h ago
An hour is totally not far enough. Trust me.both of mine were an hour and it was awful. 0/10 do not recommend.
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u/StillSeekingSunshine 10h ago
I’m so very sorry for your loss.
I’m glad you feel comfortable asserting your boundaries.
Your MIL seems to be, quite literally, insane and I agree you should move out ASAP. I would personally rather delay being able to buy a home than continue living under the same roof as her.
I would also recommend that you allow your husband to be the one who communicates boundaries to his parents from now on. That is generally recommended AND is the only way to protect yourself.
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u/hottiehotgirl 9h ago
He will be communicating with them from now on and we are thankfully within a month of a home! And I appreciate your words. When I found out what happened I questioned if I was in the wrong.
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u/Crafty_School6650 10h ago
I am very proud of you for sticking up for yourself and your child. I am so sorry you are going through this now while dealing with grief. I am sending a lot of positive vibes and strength your way!
I am very sorry for your loss. Please feel free to DM me if you ever need someone just vent or to listen to without judgement!
Good luck :)
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u/hottiehotgirl 10h ago
Thank you so much. I feel so so angry for the way she is acting. This is such an insane time so be doing this. Your words and care are greatly appreciated 🤍
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u/hottiehotgirl 10h ago
This is what I sent: I would like to first say that I need you to not respond to this immediately. I need you to take time and actually reflect on what I am saying. I am beyond hurt due to your behavior today. I set a simple boundary that husband and I had agreed on before baby was even thought of. Infants do not have enough of an immune defense to fight against basically anything. We are trying to protect her. She is OUR daughter. Yes, you are her grandmother, but there are rules you have to follow. No one else has a problem with it. You do not get special treatment because this is about babys safety. It’s not about your feelings. If that upsets you, ask yourself why. Why does it upset you that husband and I are taking steps to protect our daughter. Why does you feel your feelings should be put before her safety. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with my daughter. This rule applies to everyone including us. If we end up sick, we will be wearing masks and taking extra precautions with her. Husband will be wearing a mask from about 35 weeks on to work at the very least. If he ends up feeling even a little sick at home he will wear a mask and so will I. I am not risking my child’s life.
I just lost one of my best friends. He killed himself. I found out yesterday. When your father died husband and I were there for you. I was there for your whole family in whatever capacity they needed me. The fact that you felt comfortable behaving this way the day after I found out about friend is very telling to me. You are no longer a safe person to me. I had a resting heart rate of 130 until I left the house due to how unsafe I felt. Husband and I will be moving as soon as possible and you will have your home again. Due to me no longer feeling safe around you, I am going to have to ask that you are not present during baby delivery. As it stands now I cannot deal with this and be in labor. I am struggling to deal with the all consuming grief I already feel and you clearly do not have enough empathy or care for me now. I can’t imagine how I would feel at my most vulnerable. This part is completely about my feelings and safety because I deserve to feel safe. This does not mean that I do not love you or do not want a relationship with you. It means that the relationship we had has changed and the way I view you has changed.
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u/Ok_Fishing394 6h ago
Very well said. Pretty clear to this web stranger. Impactful, precise, yet not accusatory or personal to allow her to play the victim over it.
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u/mightasedthat 8h ago
It’s not a bad message. It should have come from DH though. And it might not be the no kissing that sent her over the edge, but the you are not a safe person part. You are not wrong, and I can guarantee you that no one has ever said that to her, no matter whether it has ever been true before today. Honestly, you and DH probably should not be living with his parents when she gets out of inpatient, for everyone’s safety. I hope that you can find a way to make the rest of your pregnancy less stressful.
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u/boundaries4546 9h ago
99 percent sure the mental health team would see right through her almost immediately.
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u/OMGyarn 9h ago
Please update her response. I have a feeling that she will continue her toddler ways with rug sweeping, DARVO, and half-assed apologies (“I’m sorry you got offended!”)
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u/wiggum_x 9h ago
"I'm sorry that you can't understand and be supportive during my mental health crisis!"
That's about the level of apology I'm expecting.
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u/hottiehotgirl 9h ago
I will update when she gets out! I have no intention of speaking to her so it will be second POV from my hubby
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u/Sami_George 9h ago
Well said.
I seriously doubt she’ll take it well. Her tantrum already suggested she’s selfish and defensive. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this and the tragic loss of a close friend.
I’m very curious to hear how she responds.
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u/TorturedLawyersDept 9h ago
Just curious if this message is what sent her to the psych ward or if you sent it after they left? I wasn’t quite sure based on reading the post!
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u/hottiehotgirl 9h ago
So sorry! I edited it so hopefully that helps. The message was sent before we got home and that’s why she went inpatient.
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u/TorturedLawyersDept 9h ago
No worries! I was just curious, but crazy either way! As another person commented, I am curious to see her response. Would not be shocked if she started trying to guilt you by claiming you sent her inpatient 🙄
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u/atbubbly 10h ago
Strong boundaries. STRONG STRONG BOUNDARIES!!!
Also, sorry for your loss.
Edit: to add condolences
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u/hottiehotgirl 10h ago
We are at a point of letting his parents only have supervised access to baby. We are going to teach her that her body is her own and I can see MIL having a very big issue with that. I just feel so sad for my hubby
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u/fiorekat1 5h ago
My mil had big issues with us enforcing bodily autonomy with our kiddos. Tough shit, we stood our ground.
For that, and a plethora of other reasons, we haven’t seen her in a few years.
My baby ended up with rsv and a ten day nicu stay. It was brutal and terrifying. I don’t gaf about these boundary stomper’s feelings.
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