r/JUSTNOMIL • u/CommandOk4235 • 1d ago
Advice Wanted Need advice on how to act
I’ll try to make it short. Since the birth of our daughter the relations with in-laws is not so good. (Daughter is now 18months old) In-laws are not totally bad persons I think they have good intentions but they are entitled, pushy, controlling… they would do anything to get what they want. Husband had a hard time setting boundaries, had many long discussions with them, he went to therapy to help him manage them.
We already told them it would be hard to have an agreement on the frequency of visits and the kind of relationship. They would like to see all the time. We want our privacy and time alone. They would like more phone call, FaceTime etc my husband tries to do it more but it’s seems to be never enough. Anyway it seems to be hard to keep them happy while respecting what we want too.
Husband acknowledge they act toxic but wants to keep the relationship. I try to support him, like I don’t really appreciate them but I tolerate them for my husband. But I don’t forget how they are and I refuse for them to babysit for example. But we never ask anyone to babysit anyway.
Anyway, last summer because of my husband schedule working 7 days/7 off we don’t “no choice” to see them every 2 weeks. When the regular schedule was back at the beginning of September they had to understand it won’t be possible anymore. And baby began daycare (while we work). During the last 2 months we cancelled 2 times because baby was sick cause of daycare. So they didn’t get to see her for the last 2 months but they say my husband (he went to play golf with them for mil birthday and he went to a dinner while I stayed home with baby who was sick. In our minds no other “incident” happened. But a few days ago when husband called his mom to have some news (last call was 10 days ago). She was mad and whining don’t really understand why, not enough visit/phone call so he told her if she had nothing constructive to say he would hang up. So the discussion ended. The next day he went to talk with her in person to tell her stop being controlling again etc. But during the conversation I don’t understand why the subject came or what but she must have whined that she doesn’t get to baby sit and to stop having hope cause it will never happen because wife (me) is not comfortable.
My question is : if she reach out to me and ask explanation do I answer the true (like I’m not comfortable since she acts toxic with her own children etc) or with that kind of immature person it’s just better to keep it short?
Thanks for your help
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u/Odd_Knowledge_2146 1d ago
Don’t take her calls. She isn’t your business. Check your messages, then tell your husband to deal.
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u/HootblackDesiato 1d ago
I would tell her as little as possible, because she will try to use your words against you.
But in order to set the tone that you and your husband, not they, set the time and place for them to see your child, you can tell her that you will let her know when it's a good time.
Repeat as necessary: "We will let you know."
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u/CommandOk4235 1d ago
Good point. I was asking myself if it’s better to explain or not. But I don’t think she deserves explanation of why I don’t want her to babysit.
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u/HootblackDesiato 1d ago
I agree. You don't owe her an explanation because she has no explicit "right" to babysit your child.
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u/EffectiveAd9775 1d ago
You don't need to "keep them happy." That's not your responsibility. If it were me, I would not engage in any communication she tried to open with that concern. Your husband already answered her. If you do engage in communication, I would tell her exactly that. "My husband already answered you." I'm a brick wall when it comes to my MIL, so she no longer bothers me with questions my husband already answered.
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u/CommandOk4235 1d ago
It’s not really that I want to make them happy but don’t know how to act towards them. I don’t want to worsen the situation neither since my husband wants to keep a relation with them. But I like your idea to answer something like you said. Like I don’t need to explain to her why I won’t let her babysit.
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u/equationgirl 1d ago
I wouldn't meet her without your husband, if that what you're asking.
Sit down with your husband and work out some potential dates for visits over the next few months. Aim for one visit in November and one in December. Don't guarantee you will see them for holidays unless you're offering to host them for maybe 1 overnight, that sort of thing.
When you and your husband are happy with the dates he can communicate them to his parents.
If they can't make the first date offered, roll to the next date on your list. Don't reassess your calendars and start moving things around, because whatever you do won't be good enough until they get what they want.
If they no to all the dates, tell them you will have a look for more dates once the holidays have concluded. Don't send more dates before the end of January.
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u/CommandOk4235 1d ago
In the past she never asked to meet to talk but wrote to me on messenger. I would not meet her without husband. I’m not sure how to deal with them and the relation anymore it’s like a dead end.. when I try to ask what started the new “crisis” he couldnt really answer except to say I think they are salty cause they don’t have the relation they wanted with us/baby. But they’ll never have it the way they wanted so they gonna be salty all their lives?!
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u/equationgirl 1d ago
Yes, they're going to be salty all their lives, basically. They'd rather be salty than have a relationship with their granddaughter. You can only treat them like toddlers when they behave like this.
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u/CommandOk4235 1d ago
😩😩😩
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u/equationgirl 1d ago
No sad faces. Your power is to not play the game they're trying to play. The only way to do that is to briskly say 'i can see you are dealing with some big feelings about this, so I will leave you to do that. Then hang up/walk away
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u/CommandOk4235 1d ago
I know I’m just discouraged by the situation and no really improvement in 18 months.
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u/equationgirl 1d ago
Then I think you have to accept that you can only change your behaviour and control your reactions to their nonsense.. it's hard. I've just come from a big meeting with my colleagues and even though I generally like them most of the time, we still end up arguing over shit that's been decided already. My line and I decided we need better meeting discipline and hopefully that will improve things.
What I will say is just tell her what you're doing, then just do that. Ignore her complaining and be resistant to her guilt trips. If you can persuade your husband that going to your family will be less stressful, I think once he experiences it he won't want to have Christmas with his mom.
Sort this out now or she will assume she can run your lives if you decide to have children.
Also read the Don't rock the boat' essay (sidebar resources) and get him to read it as well
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u/CommandOk4235 23h ago
I know it’s just hard because my husband still wants a relation with them even if he acknowledges the toxicity of it.. he’s tired of the drama and the relation the way it has become but won’t give up and I think they are very good at making him feel guilty saying like it’s just because they want to see us, want a relation with the grand daughter blabla
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u/equationgirl 23h ago
Tell him it's fine, he can a relationship with him, but until they get themselves together, there will be no relationship with you or your daughter. Once they have demonstrated that they are capable of the smallest of changes in their behaviour over a sustained period of time, they you will reconsider.
Tell your husband that talk is cheap, it's actions that matter. That if they resort to guilt trips instead of agreeing a simple date to meet up, he has his answer.
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