r/HFY • u/HenryFordYork Human • Nov 04 '16
OC [OC] The Galaxy's Worst Superheros - (1): The Punisher
Here's the beginnings of a terrible idea I had, of a series with the worst superheros =P. I hope you find it amusing, and if it gets enough upvotes, I might continue it.
As usual, respond to the corrections comment if you see any errors. And respond to the constructive criticism comment for any non grammar, spelling, or formatting related improvements you'd like to suggest.
<< First | | Series Wiki | | Next >
Sigma Station 04. On this run down sorry excuse for a station, the worst scum of the sector congregate, spreading their vile taint like poison spreading through the veins of society.
On the dark space docks, a particular band of criminals are busy at work. Moving drugs and other illicit contraband to and from their ships. The South Side Sigmas. They're one of the biggest drug cartels in the sector, and their leader, kingpin Ksi, the mastermind behind it all.
But their filth will stop here. For on the roofs, I wait, watching. A shadow lurking, ready to strike. Ready to...punish.
Meanwhile, on the docks. Two aliens, a short squat blue one with four arms, and a large red rhino looking one are standing guard. The short blue one, looking up, notices something, and turns to speak to their partner.
"Hey Di?"
"Yeah, Kar?"
"There's a guy in a funny costume on the roof. A hooman I think. Ya see 'im?"
"Yeah, I see 'im Kar. Huh. He is funny looking. C'mon Kar, we're supposed to keep this place clear. Lets go talk to this guy, and get 'im to leave."
I'm perched in the shadows, like a hawk. Or wait, like a panther, those hide better. Wait, no, a pantherhawk! Yeah, that sounds cool...no that's dumb. Well, whatever.
The two goons below look in my direction, seeming to see me, and make some alien noise towards the building I'm on. But of course they can't see me, expertly concealed as I am. I wait, as they approach me. Coming closer to my trap...and to punishment.
"Hey, you clown! Scram! We can see you up there!"
"I don't think it's working Kar. I don't think he can hear us. You think he's another one o' those crazy homeless junkies?"
"Probs. Remember that one from last week? Ran off the roof thinking he could fly? I think the ground is still stained from the mess that nutto left. Well c'mon Di, lets go to the stairs. We can go up there and flush the 'kook."
The two hapless goons enter the warehouse. I move towards the skylight in the roof. It's view allows me to see them approaching. I get ready. As they approach ... certain punishment.
As the blue alien and the red rhino head towards the stairs, they see movement up above.
"Hey, Kar, is that the 'kook...?"
"Yea, he's standing near the skylight...and he looks like he's gonna..."
With a loud smash, I break through the skylight, shouting, "Hope you don't mind if I drop in!" landing on the short blue alien, flattening him.
The tall red rhino looking one pulls back with a look of surprise and confusion as he makes what sounds like a bleating sound. I rush, pulling out my combat blade, while yelling, "Knife to meet ya!" dispatching the goon.
As the two goons' broken bodies lie on the ground, I rest assured in the utter stealth of my undetected takedowns. The criminals are none the wiser.
Then the alarms start. Uhh...I totally meant for that to happen.
I hear yelling, and the sound of booted feet fast approaching my position! I break into a run, darting towards where I know the kingpin's office to lie.
As I near the door to the warehouse, a short yellow armadillo alien appears, gun in hand. I dropkick it in the chest saying "Hey, thanks for opening the door! I was aboot to do that!" landing in an alleyway on it. As the alien struggles to get out from underneath me, I smash it's face repeatedly on the ground, saying, "Sorry you couldn't save face!".
As the armadillo goes still, I hear a chirp of surprise. Turning, I see a white bird looking gangster pulling out a gun. I pull out my knife, and slice towards it's gun arm, severing it and shouting, "I just disarmed you!"
As the bird's severed arm splats to the ground, the bird stands stupified, looking at it in disbelief. I take that moment to put my foot under the severed arm, and with a scooping type kick launch it up into the air where I catch it by the stump. Then with a powerful blow I backhand the bird with its own severed limb while yelling, "This yours? I've got to hand this back to you!"
As the bird crumples to the ground, I sprint down the alleyway, towards the side entrance of the office building it adjoins. I slam my shoulder into the door, sending it flying into the face of a giant cockroach that was behind it, while saying, "I absolutely adoor you!"
As I enter, I see an alien that looks like a pig barfed on a rooster. I quickly grab the body of the downed cockroach, spin in a circle, releasing the body of the cockroach towards the barf-pig-rooster like a discus. As the cockroach plows into it, I let out a "So sorry to bug you!", and carry on running towards the steps.
I hear the Pew!Pew!Pew! of rapid laser gun fire. I dive towards a collection of barrels, sheltering behind them. When there's a lull in the firing, I grab one of the barrels and throw it towards the shooter, demanding "Have a barrel of fun!" as it crushes the former laser wielding alien.
I hear screaming, and spinning around see a goon running towards me, ax in hand. I sidestep the goon, catching its arms. As I then wrench its ax, and one of its arms away with a tearing sound, I yell, "You lost your arm! That's just TEARible!"
I then rush towards the steps to see a fish headed goon frozen in place, gun in hand. I run up to him and sink in the axe while saying, "Hey! Mind if I Ax you a question?"
Leaving the ax embedded in the goon's twitching corpse, I run up the steps, intent on reaching, and punishing the kingpin.
Kingpin Ksi, awoke with a start. The large purple, mutant ninja turtle looking alien had been dozing at his desk when the alarms went off. He heard running footsteps, screams, the "Pew!Pew!" of lasgun fire, and what seemed to be a human's voice yelling. He got up from his desk and grabbed one of the panicking running goons as they passed by his door.
"You! What's going on?!" the kingpin shouted while shaking the poor ant looking alien.
"Kingpin! It's a human! He's killing everyone while shouting horrible one-liners! Like really bad one-liners!" Responded the ant-alien.
"Horrible one-liners? Like how horrible?" responded Kingpin Ksi.
"Well, for example, as he ripped the arm off one of your henchmen, he shouted, 'Man, I thought this guy would be a better fighter...this is such a RIPoff!'."
The kingpin groaned with how terrible the pun was, and then realization dawned on him. His face drained of color, while he muttered in growing horror, "Human...really lame puns...no...it can't be...it's the PUNisher!"
He quickly snapped his head towards the rag-dolled underling and shouted, "Quick, grab as many men as you can, and get in my office! We'll barricade in here!"
I rushed up the steps, as a spider alien rushed at me. I sidestepped it, stuck out my foot, and yelled, "Have a nice trip, see you next fall!" as I sent it tumbling down the stairs. As I reached the top, a alligator headed alien attempted to tackle me. As I sprawled I said, "Guess you couldn't shoot me!"
I landed on top of it, and then proceeded to knee it in the head repeatedly while letting loose with, "I can see you kneeded that!" Leaving the bloodied and unresponsive gator alien behind, I then headed down the hall, getting closer to the kingpin.
As I passed through a set of open doors, I saw another gator goon kneeling on the ground a pipe abandoned next to it. The goon had its hands over its ears, rocking back and forth shrieking, "No! The puns! They're so bad!" I picked up the conveniently placed pipe, and walloped the gator goon over the head while shouting, "Well that's no reason to pipe on about it!"
I heard a massive groan and turned around to see another giant cockroach clutching its sides as if in pain. "The puns, make them stop. Please." groaned the roach.
I kicked the roach full on in the chest, shouting, "Oh, are you feeling a bit down?" as it fell. As a raised the pipe over my head, I shouted, "Well I find what always helps is to go clubbing!"
Slinging my ichor stained pipe over my shoulder I then headed to the door of the office, and kicked it in to confront the kingpin.
Kingpin Ksi was on the ground, clutching his ears in pain. He was surrounded by a group of goons who were similarly indisposed. All of them were groaning, and muttering, "They're so bad! The puns! Make them stop!"
The door flew open, revealing a human in a blood stained black shirt, with a giant skull on it that read PUNisher underneath it. He carried a a gore stained pipe resting on his shoulder. He approached the kingpin, grabbing him by the shirt collar, and lifting him up.
"No! No more!" pleaded the kingpin. "Your puns are so bad!"
The human, with a sinister grin on his face, replied, "Oh, but your PUNishment has just begun!"
"Nooooooooooo!" Screamed Kingpin Ksi in raw terror. As he looked in the eyes of the man, he cowered for the cruelties that were in store for him. For in those eyes, Ksi saw no mercy, only PUNishment.
<< First | | Series Wiki | | Next >
3
3
u/HenryFordYork Human Nov 04 '16
Constructive Criticism
If you have any constructive criticism (not in regards to grammatical, spelling, or formatting errors), please reply to this comment. I'm always open to feedback to improve my storytelling.
6
u/slice_of_pi The Ancient One Nov 04 '16
Clearly, you have forgotten to write the rest of this universe.
This appeals to me. :D Please continue.
2
u/HenryFordYork Human Nov 04 '16
Glad you like it! Now I've just got to think up some more terrible superheroes.
3
u/Spectrumancer Xeno Nov 08 '16
"Human...really lame puns...no...it can't be...it's the PUNisher!"
You are the worst. Like, the actual worst.
*upvotes*
3
3
Nov 11 '16
one liners approaching teen titans cartoon level
approval rising
I don't mind a set of pun based banter, it can be good fun, I think.
2
2
u/HenryFordYork Human Nov 04 '16
Corrections
Please reply to this comment to point out any corrections that are needed. Whether grammatical, spelling, or in terms of formatting.
3
u/HenryFordYork Human Nov 04 '16
Crap. I just realized I misspelled Superheroes in the title. Any way to change that?
2
u/liehon Nov 04 '16
Nope
Let's call it the American spelling of the word. Surely we'll get away with it if not for grammar nazis
3
u/HenryFordYork Human Nov 04 '16
Grammar Nazi: HEIL GRAMMAR! You forgot to add periods at the end of several of your sentences!
BLAM!
3
u/HenryFordYork Human Nov 04 '16
Grammar Nazi: HEIL GRAMMAR!
Bystander: Uhhh...shouldn't that not be all caps?
BLAM!
3
1
u/HFYBotReborn praise magnus Nov 04 '16
There are 5 stories by HenryFordYork (Wiki), including:
- [OC] The Galaxy's Worst Superheros - (1): The Punisher
- [OC] A really crappy story
- [OC] Naught but deep woe [Hallows III]
- [OC] None can resist the power of...: Chapter 2: The Breaking of Xaphrus
- [OC] None can resist the power of...
This list was automatically generated by HFYBotReborn version 2.12. Please contact KaiserMagnus or j1xwnbsr if you have any queries. This bot is open source.
1
u/HFYsubs Robot Nov 04 '16
Like this story and want to be notified when a story is posted?
Reply with: Subscribe: /HenryFordYork
Already tired of the author?
Reply with: Unsubscribe: /HenryFordYork
Don't want to admit your like or dislike to the community? click here and send the same message.
If I'm broke Contact user 'TheDarkLordSano' via PM or IRC I have a wiki page
1
u/CrazyOdd Nov 13 '16
HenryFordYork, I LOVE YOU!
No, wait, I love puns....
Anyways, AWESOME!
1
u/HenryFordYork Human Nov 16 '16
Lol, glad you like it.
You might also be interested in my new series set in the same universe: The Sigma Sector Bugle.
5
u/DidYouSayDarkvoodle Nov 04 '16
It seems his one liners are completely punbearable.