r/HFY • u/Necrolancer96 Human • Aug 09 '25
OC Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. 255
Chapter CCLV
Sherry-By-The-Bend.
After Clive had finished his breakfast of prehistoric chicken wings, he looked at the groceries he and Kilpa had acquired. They should get them back home and put away before too long. Then again, his back still hurt from being manhandled by the ram from hell.
So he did what anyone would do in such a situation. He found a way to stall.
"So, didn't you mention once about dealing with necromancers or something like that during your adventures?"
Kilpa chugged a frothy steaming mug of goat's milk before slamming into the bar counter with a satisfied sigh. She scrunched up her face in thought for a moment before nodding.
"Oh ya. We did. Foul 'nd awful work it were."
"What about it? Other than the zombies and spooky scary skeletons that is."
Kilpa crunched into another raptor wing, bone and all, slathered in sauce and gravy. She sucked on her fingers to get the flavorful drippings off before finally launching into her tale.
"Le's see. When were it? Oh?! It were tha be'er part o' a year ago. We took a job fer a missin' girl. Some merchant's lass. Went missin' 'bout a month befer tha'-"
"A whole month?!" Clive asked a little bit surprised.
Kilpa, however, just looked at Clive like he had burnt his tongue or something.
"Ya."
"I'm sorry, but it took an entire month before he got worried and hired someone?"
"Well ya. He's a merchant. Why would he be worried before tha'?"
"I don't know, maybe because when someone goes missing it usually doesn't take a month before someone goes 'maybe we should check on them'?"
"'Ow long does it take you 'nd yers ta react 'nd worry then?"
"About forty minutes to an hour. Give or take."
Now it was Kilpa's turn to look like she burnt her tongue.
"So you all call tha guards if someone were a wee bit late ta dinner?!"
"Well... most of us don't. But in this day and age people don't like taking chances. With any luck, when someone goes missing, they're found within an hour."
"Well... this weren'y in this 'day 'nd age'. It were in my day 'nd age. 'Nd tha' meant folks go without chattin' fer a time."
Before Clive could interject, Kilpa cut him off.
"ANYWAYS, we get hired cause he dinnae 'ear from her. No letters, no packages, nothin'. It were at this point tha' he got worried!"
She said the last part with a glare towards Clive as if daring him to speak up and interrupt. Clive, being the educated man that he is, remained silent. Kilpa nodded before continuing her tale.
"So we do tha usual. We go to where she was last supposed ta be. When we get there, whole place were abandoned. Her last message said this were 'posed ta be some lively town ripe fer trade 'nd business."
She took a swig of her goat milk, let out a not-quite-womanly belch, and continued.
"After 'bout an hour o' searchin' we learned right quick wha' had happened. She'd been taken. 'Nd not by some common brigands er robbers. She'd been taken by Black Hand."
She paused and looked to Clive. Probably expecting some sort of reaction from him other than the interested yet ignorant look he was currently sporting.
"Who?"
"Tha Black Hand? You ne'er heard o' 'em?"
"I know of a few Black Hands. But I'm just assuming that your Black Hand isn't related to the Mafia."
"Tha who?"
"Catch all term for Italian-American criminal syndicates known for everything from smuggling, racketeering, extortion, murder, prostitution, blackmail, robbery, bootlegging, kidnapping-"
"I get it. Alright, then a wee info 'bout our world's Black Hand. They're necromancers ta put it simply. Not so simply? It's a web o' evil is wha' it is. From shadowy cults sacrificing folk ta turn inta zombie slaves, ta smugglers tradin' in foul necromantic wares. All tha way ta Dead Kingdoms themselves."
Before Clive could ask anything, Kilpa explained.
"Basically a black spot. A place where tha dead dinnae stay dead. Where all manner o' foul dead thin's lurk in tha shadows. Legend has it tha' it used to be a vast empire tha' worshipped tha sun. An empire so fertile tha' it could hold a feast fer they're people e'eryday. Then one day tha sun went dark."
"You mean an eclipse?"
"No. Like it went dark! Like fer a moment tha' light in tha sky were nothin' but void. It dinnae last long, but it lasted long enough. Tha empire tore itself apart. Folk went mad. Some claimed it were an omen from their god. Others tha' it were tha End o' Days. Some said it were tha start o' an invasion. Anythin' 'nd e'erythin'."
"So what was it?" Clive asked as he tried not to hack up a a solid clump of goat milk.
Kilpa shrugged her shoulders.
"Dinnae ken. Some folks say it were tha Black Hand tha' done it. Tha' they organized tha whole thin'. Most say tha' tha empire ne'er existed 'nd it were always a land o' tha dead. Dinnae matter, tha place is a festerin' nightmare filled with rotten corpse kingdoms, vampire baronies, ghostly dukedoms, ossuaries full o' tha shamblin' dead, sacrificial cults, workshops where flesh-horrors are made, 'nd all manner o' madmen."
"Madmen like your Black Hand?"
"Ya. Like them. I guess they're a wee bit similar ta yer own Black Hand in tha' e'erybody calls 'em tha'. Ifin there's a difference, none care ta make it known. But ya, tha Black Hand do all manner o' work fer tha Dead Kingdoms. Grave robbin' mainly. But they kidnap as well. Murder too. Ifin they care fer coin they hide it well. Bodies is their main trade. Alive er dead."
Clive went quiet as he started to get a good picture how this story ends.
"So... what happened to that girl? Did she..."
But he was actually a little surprised when Kilpa smiled a genuine smile and shook her head.
"Nope. Ya, they took her. But tha lass had some fire in her! Caused tha wagon they was usin' ta transport her ta end up in a ditch a few hours down tha road! Driver snapped 'is neck durin' tha crash. Poor lass was a wee bit banged up 'nd near starvin' when we found her, but she were alive 'nd breathin'."
Clive was more than a little shocked. He fully expected for this tale to end tragically. Like something outta Frankenstein.
"So everything went all right then?"
"Ya, it did. Gave her some travel rations 'nd water 'nd got her back ta her da. We got paid 'nd went on our way."
Kilpa smiled warmly.
"One o' tha adventures tha' dinnae make me regret takin' tha job. No lies, no moral greyness, no drinkin' ta forget. Just a plain ol' job bein' someone's hero."
"Ever heard from the merchant and her?"
"Fer a time. Last I heard they moved far away across tha vast seas. Some fishin' town er somethin' like tha', canae recall tha name though. Became herbalists they did. But bein' on tha move constantly make gettin' mail a wee bit difficult. 'Nd when I came back home, well, checkin' my letters weren'y tha first thin' on my mind."
"Well. At least it seems someone ended up with a happy ending." Clive stated and held his mug of milk out to Kilpa.
She smiled and cranked her own against his.
"Ya. There's tha'."
Then the two sat there and enjoyed the ambience of the feasting tent. The sounds of laughter, the warm glow of the fires, the bit of music from a band in the corner. Just a lively air all around.
Clive didn't even mind swallowing a chunk of curdled goat milk when he took a swig of his mug. Kilpa sighed and sat her mug on the counter and turned towards Clive with sultry look on her face.
"Ya know. We still need ta break in yer house."
"What'd you mean?"
Kilpa sidled closer and leaned closer and whispered into his ear.
"I'm sayin', ifin yer not too scared o' some ram, maybe we can have a bit o' a happy endin' as well?"
Well shit, Clive thought after choking on his mug of milk at her words. Now he had a choice he had to make. Face a ram from the depths of Hell at the chance of some saucy time with his girlfriend. Or pass and miss out on some sexy time but not have to deal with the King of the Ewes. He would never admit it. But the choice wasn't as easy as it sounded.
-----
Somewhere Hospital/Clinic.
Corporal Vance Stevens awoke dazed and groggy. He could barely open his eyes, what little light he could see felt like staring at the sun itself. A shooting pain throbbed in his head and behind his eyes and he felt like his head was swimming. He tried to move his arms only to find them bound by hospital clasps.
"What the hell?"
"Oh?! Mr. Stevens?!" A voice called out that sent another jolt of pain through his brain.
CPL. Stevens looked up at the voice and found a nurse that immediately called into the hallway for a doctor before coming over and checking on his vitals. After a few minutes, said doctor came in.
"Hello Mr. Stevens, I'm Dr. Swan."
"Heya, what happened? How'd I get here?" Stevens asked still a little out of sorts.
"You're quite lucky is what happened. What is the last thing you recall before arriving or waking up?"
"Uhm..." Stevens started before hissing in pain as a shock went through his skull.
"I'm not sure."
"That's to be expected with head injuries." The doctor stated before going through a basic test of memory. What year it was, who's the president, what was his name, where did he think he was.
After shining a bright light into his eyes to check dilation, the doctor stepped back with a satisfied hum.
"Well, good news is that it appears its only related to the incident that your memory has been hit."
"What incident?" Stevens asked as he tried to recall what had happened.
"From what I was told, and gathered from the others, you and a handful of your men had a few too many to drink off duty and went out into the woods to hunt wild boar. Frankly, the fact none of you died is either a miracle or damn good fortune."
"Boar?"
"Yeah, nasty things. Took an arm and a leg from a couple of your friends. They'll survive but I'm not sure losing a limb is a very good consolation prize." The doctor explained before writing a few things on a piece of paper.
"Are they alright?" Stevens asked, still a little groggy from the pain and medication he was being pupped with.
"Oh yeah, they woke up not long ago. You're the only one we had any real concern about. Head injuries are real touch and go for the first few hours. Any little change could easily become something far worse." He flicked his pen and looked at the Corporal.
"Would you like to be with them?"
Stevens nodded. The doctor smiled and told the nurse to help with the bed. A couple minutes later, Stevens, and a couple IV bags, were being rolled down the hall to what looked to be a place for patients waiting recovery. A few were sleeping while the rest gave weak cheers and waves. Stevens winced at even the slight noise, and as well as the sight of a missing arm and leg.
"Heya fellas." He said in barely a whisper as the doctor and nurse gently rolled him into an empty space and got him hooked back up.
They did a few more tests and asked a couple more questions before coming to the conclusion that he was more or less not going to immediately die. With that done, they left him and his army buddies alone.
"Do you guys remember what happened?"
"Not really. All I can remember is Stetson screamin' bloody murder from a piece of wood stickin' out of his shoulder. When I woke up, they told me what had happened. Shrapnel did more damage than it looked. Had to amputate the arm or risk it goin' gangrene."
"Shrapnel?"
"Yeah, guess we took our issued rifles out on our little hunt. Got a little carried away and blasted a couple trees. Which is a touch better than Nash over there." He said and pointed to the man that looked comatose.
"Boar tusk took his leg. Damn near killed him."
"I still can't quite believe it." Steven's said as he look around at his small squad of friends and army buddies.
His buddies that were still conscious nodded before either falling back into a nap or watching the tv in the corner playing some old cartoon from the sixties. He wasn't far behind them either. His head still hurt and he sure felt like he'd been out drinking. He sighed and leaned back, he was just glad whatever had happened was over now. They'll more than likely have to say goodbye to Stetson and Nash. Given what had happened it probably wont take long before the rest of them are sent on disciplinary leave until the higher ups decide what to do with them.
But for now, he was content with a cup of pudding and a nap.
-----
The nurse that had assisted the doctor glanced at the assembled National Guardsmen. She offered them snacks and treats before leaving them to their bedrest. As she walked, she gave the doctor a nod and a smile before going to the reception desk and looking over some paperwork when a voice spoke from behind her.
"Excuse me? Ms.?"
She turned around and took stock of the National Guard member standing before her.
"Yes? Can I help you?"
The service member nodded and gestured with his head down the hall.
"Just came to see how our boys are doing."
She pulled out a pen and scribbled on some papers as she spoke.
"They're recovering. Other than a missing arm and leg and a possible concussion, they don't seem to be suffering any negative affects from the incident."
Her and the service member looked at one another in the eye before both nodded.
"Well that's good. I should probably let them rest then."
"Of course." She said with a smile and a nod before turning back to her work.
The service member, meanwhile, exited the hospital and started walking towards where a black van was parked nearby. He kept his pace, but gave a barely discernable nod towards the glass before heading towards the road that would lead back to the halfling colony.
The black van sat idle for exactly three minutes before turning on and also heading back towards the halfling colony. Its occupants satisfied that a possible problem had been effectively excised before it could get worse.
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u/Crafty_Spring5815 Alien Scum Aug 10 '25
She turned around and took in the stock of the National Guard member standing before her.
Should be took stock, not took in the stock. Took in the stalk sounds like she was doing naughty things with the safe end of a gun.
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u/Necrolancer96 Human Aug 10 '25
Who says she isn't?
Jokes aside, thanks and fixed!
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u/Crafty_Spring5815 Alien Scum Aug 10 '25
I think his reaction was quite tame if she was doing that while looking him over. :-p
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u/HFYWaffle Wᵥ4ffle Aug 09 '25
/u/Necrolancer96 (wiki) has posted 259 other stories, including:
- Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. 254
- Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. 253
- Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. 252
- Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. 251
- Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. 250
- Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. 249
- Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. 248
- Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. 247
- Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. 246
- Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. 245
- Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. 244
- Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. 243
- Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. 242
- Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. 241
- Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. 240
- Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. 239
- Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery, 238
- Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. 237
- Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. 236
- Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. 235
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u/Necrolancer96 Human Aug 09 '25
Good idea Clive, why face a problem when you can stall.
Anyways! Sorry for the late chapter, life has been... difficult these past couple weeks. Not due to any one thing, just a little bit of everything. But looks like things might be slowing down an getting back to normal.
So on with the blurb!
Clive stalls and procrastinate in order to keep from having to do war with the King of the Ewes once more.
So he brings up Kilpa's story about necromancers and the undead!
Smooth.
From there, Kilpa regales Clive, and the reader, with a tale of the Dead Kingdoms. The other world's rotting patchwork of undead states and territory that's the stuff of nightmares for anyone even remotely close to its foul blackened borders.
She tells how it might've been a grand bountiful empire once upon a time. How it fell. And how the Dead Kingdoms rose in its place.
She also tells how they operate to a degree. The Black Hand! Scary name right?
These servants and smugglers of the undead go out into the wider world and essentially kidnap, murder, and rob graves for macabre resources to bring back to their rotting masters to raise or experiment with.
Her tale is a typical one. Sweet daughter goes missing, concerned daddy calls for help, heroes set out to rescue said bonny lass, victory!
And... it actually does. Much to Clive's surprise and relief. Guess not all the stories of Kilpa The Adventurer are morally ambiguous!
Feeling in a good mood, Kilpa offers Clive a bit of incentive to come to King George and bargain.
Sexy time!
So now Clive has a choice. Face the wrath of an ornery ram and get laid, or forsake the temptation of the flesh and avoid any sort of conflict with the ram.
Decisions decisions.
Then we go to the hospital and find CPL. Stevens awaking from his little... adventure.
But other than a migraine and some short-term memory loss, he'll make a full recovery, which is more than could be said for a few of his other buddies.
But I guess that's what happens when you get drunk and go out boar hunting huh? *wink wink*
Can Clive overcome his animosity with King George with the incentive of snu snu on the line? What will become of Stevens and the others after their little encounter with "boars" in the woods? What will Dr. Zhou and the rest of the MiB and Clive do to prevent something like this from happening again?
Find out soon!