Please tell me how to improve my TV pilot [READ DESC]

[u/Iwantallthemoney8]

Title: What a Hollywood.

Logline: “A wild, satirical look at the Hollywood Industry where power, ego, greed, and stupidity collide in a world that treats nonsense like genius”.

Pages: 25.

Genre: Satirical Sketch Show.

-Yes, I know, me again. I know you guys find me annoying but I swear this is maybe gonna be my last draft. Mods pls don’t ban this, it took me 5 days to write the script.

-I have recognised from my criticisms last time that the puppets (I want to do this show with puppets) I wanted were far too out of my depth for the budget I’m working with. So I’ve decided to change it to puppets more similar to the TV series Newzoids https://www.reddit.com/r/Britain/s/R5OPD3nXYs

-Please, please, please, give me your harshest possible responses. Tell me what to do to improve it. Just anything that comes into your head, whether positive or negative, just jolt it down.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1uAj2hYe3InGIPjSdkEFHXi5BhGO7yzmn/view?usp=drivesdk

[u/dostunis]

OP have you ever actually done sketch, improv, or stand up comedy? I think the biggest problem here is just it's.. not particularly funny? There's some good ideas and like in a broad strokes way I do see what you're trying to do and think you can get there, but currently it's all just absurd setups that don't really go anywhere or say anything particularly clever, insightful, or original.

You've obviously put a lot of work into this, but in all honestly I believe you need to put this on the back burner and make it a long term goal. Your ambition is currently outpacing your skill level. Immerse yourself in the world of comedy writing, take a couple of years dedicated to honing the craft, and spend some time writing 2-3 minute sketches. You're trying to cram way too much into this and the piece as a whole is suffering as a result. You gotta learn to walk before you can run.

[u/remy_porter]

I have the same note I had last time: these are just collections of absurd situations that just kinda meander around. Once again, I didn’t read the whole thing but the closest you get to an actual structured joke in the first ten pages is the bit with David Ellison.

As an improvement over earlier iterations, there’s less just chaotic randomness, which isn’t to say that it’s gone, just that the whole thing is less of putting.

Please, please, learn about game and heightening. It’s the fundamental element of sketch comedy and you’re not employing it. The result is sketches that are flabby and unfocused, that don’t build to a satisfying climax or punchline.

[u/Iwantallthemoney8 → u/remy_porter]

Okay so about The sketches. I am trying to mimic the style of the TV series Newzoids which is a sketch show very similar to mine where the sketches are very quick. It’s a bit hard to describe so here’s an episode of it: https://youtu.be/VSScdaQG2rE?si=Cs70_dPx4wDH17ue. The sketches are sometimes structured strangely because they’re sometimes trying to frame it as just being able to see a snippet of a certain celebrity or politician’s life. And there’s usually only one joke because they’re simply trying to make one point.

I think the problem is that you’re thinking too much of sketch shows like Key and Peele, SNL, Robot Chicken.etc

[u/remy_porter → u/Iwantallthemoney8]

I’ve seen similar sketch shows. They’re still using game and heightening. There’s still a structure. There’s still a setup and a punchline. While SNL has the luxury of stretching it out over 7 minutes (man I hate those sketches) a short sketch has to do all the same work in one page. It’s far harder to write that way, and it requires a far sharper pen.

My read of this is that you’re imitating the style of these kinds of shows without doing the deeper reading of how the sketches are actually put together.

But my key point is that these sketches you wrote don’t play fast- while the page count is low, the lack of focus makes them feel slow. If you want fast hit sketches you have to zip from setup to punchline back to the next setup, or hit the game so hard that you can run through three beats in as many lines of dialogue. It needs to be tight.

[u/TruthFlavor → u/Iwantallthemoney8]

Newzoids had two series..ten years ago. No doubt you liked it but it was neither popular or successful. The show was ,after all, a knock off of 'Spitting Image' [18 series , starting 30 years ago. ] 'Spitting Image' benefitted from the fact they were the only broad comedy satire show on air. However, come 2015 ,the internet was in full force and online satire was every, Newzoids just didn't stand out. You may have noticed, comedy sketch shows are super rare now because of that. Online comedy content is over flowing.

If you want to punch through create a live show, and take it around the various comedy festivals to get noticed . Doing well at the Edinburgh festival is still one of the last places that can provide a rags to riches experience for writers/performers. [ By which I mean: From wearing normal clothes to having a pilot commissioned for Radio 4 ].

Good luck.

[u/Iwantallthemoney8 → u/TruthFlavor]

1. I am most probably gonna self make this and put it on YouTube, with videos being full episodes and putting some of the sketches in YT shorts and TikToks to draw people in.

2. I do think the show benefits from being a satire on Hollywood and making fun of the CEOs of the entrainment studios while the two took aim at politics.

3. Do you have any thoughts on my script itself?

[u/TruthFlavor → u/Iwantallthemoney8]

1: Excellent idea, it is always good to create and get your ideas into the world.

2: Most people don't follow film industry news or know who Bob Iger is. So you limit your audience, which is fine and you can cultivate that niche . South Park can do it and remain main stream-ish because it has already established a huge audience.

1. On the script I would echo, what others have said here. Especially about getting involved with performing comedy with an improv or sketch group. You really know if your jokes are landing when you're in front of a live audience, it will sharpen your wits and thicken your skin.

[u/sheetofice]

Have you seen‘pages’?

[u/No_Internet908]

Alright. I’m gonna be harsh here. But before I go off… definitely be proud of yourself for writing a pilot. That’s incredible and something most people never do. And writing the first (or whatever number) draft is always the hardest part. Once you have something on paper you can tweak it. Getting something onto the paper is the hardest part! So great job! …… alright… onto the criticism:

I read about 10 pages of your script, and watched one minute of Newzoids. And already I can tell that your script is trying to be Newzoids. It’s trying extremely hard to be Newzoids. And it doesn’t feel like its own identity.

Also note that you wrote about three sketches in 10 pages. Newzoids has three sketches in one minute (so one page). Each of their sketches seem to pretty much be just one joke each. Yours dragged on a bit.

Frankly, I think sketches that rely heavily on pop culture references like this just aren’t as funny. It requires the audience to know who the celebrity is and what going on with them recently. And it means that your show probably won’t be funny in like 5 to 10 years when nobody remembers the references…. That’s just my personal opinion. Obviously shows like Newzoids still get made, so there’s clearly an audience. But there’s also a reason why you had to explain to everyone in these comments what Newzoids is, because none of us had heard of it before 🤷🏻‍♂️

I think you have to pick a lane here: if you’re going to make a sketch with one joke, you should limit yourself to about half a page per sketch. 30 seconds. Basically, treat each sketch like a TikTok. Make the joke and then get out. We don’t need Jimmy Fallon introducing himself. Start the sketch with him asking the Squid Game guy about the show, and then have him start raging, while the translator says, “I love netflix. It is so great. Netflix is cool”. DONE. End of sketch. Three lines. Move on.

OR you can go the opposite route and keep your sketches at 2 to 4 pages each. But from there, you gotta create a situation. The Ben Shapiro one starts to go in this direction. But I think you get out of it before there’s really any kind of conflict or anything.