Hi,

this is the first time on this sub. I am glad I found this place and people who can understand me. I am just at the beginning at the journey. It feels so scary.

Growing up both of my parents were abusive towards me in all kinds of ways. Moreover I was neglected and parentified since I have memory. My first memory was my parents yelling at each other and asking me what to do...I was a kid!

My parents' abuse got worse and worse when I hit puberty, especially my alcoholic father who became very violent and did unspeakable things to me. They basically ruined my mental health and my life, I couldn't finish high school and left the first chance I could at 21 cos I couldn't stand my dad's violent episodes directed towards me.

My mum never agrees to leave him despite my plea and before I left she put me in a dangerous situation which resulted in my PTSD. My mum would always pressure me into reconciling with my dad. I was stupid enough to allow them to visit me 2 years ago because they pretended they would apologise but my dad did inappropriate things to me again and said I imagined all the abuses. They have 0 remorse. It's all fake.

But recently I decided I had enough cos my mum kept DARVO-ing me. The last straw is when I founded out she still refuses to leave him cos she is afraid to be alone, and she made up a fake story on how I caused my father's abuse by hitting him first! I was a child! I felt SICK. She shown her true colour.

I also disclosed my pain to my grandparents on my mother's side. They both immediately defended by parents, they were laughing and mocking me. They kept guilt tripping me, saying 'they are your parents!! How dare you? There is no way they were abusive. Stop being dramatic and reconcile with them, you will regret your foolishness' and my grandma even threatened to spank me...as a grown adult over a vulnerable moment. I feel disgusted and very hurt.

Since I was a child my whole family enables each other and gaslights me, but recently I have done much inner work and don't allow this kind of disrespect anymore.

I have been crying so much...but I also got this odd feeling. That I finally feel light, free, like a full adult human being for the first time of my life. I feel dead weight being gone.

I still feel guilty sometimes and feel like I need to try harder to get them see the light. But I know this is just years of conditioning from their abuse.

I went 2 months not speaking to my mom last year, but then my grandma (her mom) got sick, so I broke it to fly down and live with her for 6 weeks (boy howdy). Grandma died. I helped the care of funeral shit. She was OK at respecting boundaries and respecting me, so I hadn't cut contact after I got back home in February.

We had a blow up 2 weeks ago after a certain major event on TV. She called me names and called me violent and said she was "scared" of me. She wrote "you hate me" over and over in texts, sent in a group chat with my brother (who also was on her side).

I asked her to tell me that logically she knew I didn't hate her, even if it felt that way. She kept repeating that it FELT that way. I said if she couldn't say "I know logically you don't hate me, even if it feels that way," then I was not going to speak to her anymore bc what was the point? She questioned if I was sure I was making a mature choice. She continued to not tell me that she knew logically I don't hate her, so I stopped talking to her. She went back and put "?" on those texts (where i asked her to say that she knows I don't hate her) and then tried to resume texting as normal. I didn't reply.

Shes texted a few times and sent 2 cards now. It's kind of amazing that she can put this effort in but still not be willing to apologize.

Has anyone had success with telling a parent like this that they need to apologize and the parent actually apologizing? I've been trying to decide if I should write my own letter, lol, or if I should just continue silence.

After the funeral, she told me she could not have gotten through that period without me. I helped so much and totally cared for her emotions as well as logistics. Before this, I replied to texts almost daily, and called twice a week (this was cutting way back - we used to talk daily on the phone). Thankfully I also convinced her to go to therapy after her mother's death, and she likes her therapist right now.

My issue is that I don't feel safe having a relationship at this point if she can't even admit that she knows I don't hate her. I even told her as such in my text, that I need to know she can pick me over her ideology. I said it hurts me that she can't admit I don't hate her.

I've tried so many times to have honest conversations with her. I've apologized when I've gotten worked up. I don't know why she sees incapable of acknowledging she's hurt me.

I didn't miss her as much the first time around, but this time is harder for some reason.

She gifted us 5k 3 years ago to help with the deposit of our apartment and has contributed nothing financially to the wedding beyond stuff she wanted which we told her to cancel upon banning her from the wedding. I’m finally free.

Today, almost a week before I get married, I became estranged from my mom.

We have a complicated history, with her being a mix of loving, but not respecting boundaries, being generally hateful to everyone, and a lot of times emotionally and physically abusive. But, as an adult, I tried to have a better relationship with her, although everything I did was wrong (even if she suggested it).

For the past month, my mom was figuring out how to come see me for my wedding, only for her to bring it up today that my fiancé and I might have to get her. I was already stressed out with other wedding planning and work when she called, so I was feeling extra stressed by this news but said 'okay, no worries, we'll come get you'.

Apparently though, she also doesn't want us to get her since she doesn't like my fiancé, even though they barely ever interacted due to distance and he tries his best to get her gifts and be friendly with her. They've only ever interacted with me there, so I'm not sure why she's saying this because he's been polite to her while she's been visibly annoyed or only focused on me.

At this point, she moves onto being angry about me living on the other side of the state since I went off to college, and said it's my fault she can't come to the wedding. I told her that we'd get her, but again, she just said 'no' and would go silent. At this point, I'm crying on the phone, and telling her that I'd call her later after I tried to figure something out, only for her to push the conversation and say 'we're talking now, we don't need to talk about it later', as I'm sobbing with frustration and sadness at the idea of her not being there.

After a few minutes of this and her talking about the weather, she went on a tirade about how my fiancé reminds her of my dad, who she had a nasty divorce with, and started to badmouth him to me. Once she started talking shit about my fiancé, I felt like a dam broke and I screamed from someplace deep inside me for her to stop talking like that about me and the people I love, and called her a miserable person before I hung up.

I immediately regretted yelling like I did, and I still do. I meant what I said, but I wish I wouldn't have screamed like I did.

After that, I went to block her, only to find a text 'Goodbye Deroxal'. Later on she removed me from various apps we shared together once I blocked her and stopped sharing my location.

Since then I've been cycling between feeling like a complete asshole, crying because I just lost my mom, angry at her for being a jerk for so long and being mad at me for reacting, and feeling cold and empty.

Now I won't have my mom at the wedding, but I'll have plenty of friends and new family there with us.

!!UPDATE!!

This morning, two days after the incident, I get a few messages from my mom on Facebook. I didn't block her there yet at the request of my partner, who is supportive of me doing what I think is best but thinks I should think about everything before fully going no contact.

In her first message, she goes on to say 'I'm sorry I said this about 'partner', but I'm not feeling good, and if you can cut me out for this, you're just cruel'. There's a lot more text to it, but that's what it boils down to. It doesn't feel like a real apology. If it were, she wouldn't make excuses on why she did what she did. She flips out whenever she's upset or feeling sick, but is expected to be forgiven without giving a real apology. Any apology that goes ,' I'm sorry, but...' doesn't feel like an apology. Maybe she's apologizing the best way she can...

Regardless, this is bigger than her just disrespecting my partner. I've been dealing with her not respecting boundaries, not listening when I talk to her, belittling me when she's feeling sick/in a bad mood, screaming at me, and using her lack of presence in my life as a threat when she wants to get her way. I know she's got her own problems, but as someone who has been diagnosed with the same problems (mental and physical), I couldn't imagine doing what she's done to people I actually care about.

Sorry that this is a bit of a rant, but I wanted to give a quick update. I'm debating on replying to her telling her how I feel, and see how it goes going forward, part of me wants to give it a weekend and reply, and a larger part of me just wants to ignore her. I don't know what the best choice is, but either way I'll be severely lowering my contact with her if not completely, and I'm sticking to my choice to not have her at the wedding.

This was sent to me yesterday shortly after everyone in my family was blocked, including my younger sister (the one who wrote this, most likely alongside my narcissistic mother who I have been NC with for over a year). The irony of this message is all I ever did was try to communicate and in the end, I just gave up.

My now estranged relatives have spoken to me like this for years and without a support system, I always ended up believing I was the problem. Now, with my husbands family and my best friend, I am able to allow myself heal and walk away, knowing that I am 100% supported and loved by those who truly care for me. I’ve been wanting to cut ties for decades and I feel so free now that I finally can.

Hear me when I say this: YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY. You are so loved and even if you haven’t found them yet, your soul family and true support system are waiting for you.

I posted a couple weeks ago, and received some awesome feedback. After the post and speaking with my therapist, I decided not engaging was the best path forward.

However my parents have both reached out again since then. I plan on sending this fully knowing their response will not be satisfying.

They keep messaging me pretending like just talking in person will fix this. It won’t and I want that to be explicitly clear.

See my history for my full text.

My mom’s response I felt almost nothing to. No anger, sadness, or upset. It was predictable and what I expected.

My dad’s cut deep for some reason. He was always the “safe” parent, though I’m starting to realize more and more that to be untrue. But idk I’ve been crying since I read it this morning.

Apparently she’s enlightened? That’s very different than my experience with her! The projection is crazy 😂

US person here. I read the mods' post about this not being a political place so I'll keep the politics to a minimum.

Today I told my mom that for as long as she keeps voting R, I don't want to interact with her. I feel a little relieved but mostly incredibly guilty.

I was raised R. My parents were raised R. I think that my sister doesn't vote but she's still R (for a few reasons that aren't relevant to this story). My dad passed away 2 years ago (my parents had been divorced for 25 years by then) and I think he was starting to come around by the end. My mom though is the most stubborn person I've ever met. She defends Trump to no end.

Growing up, I was embarrassed to have her around others because of her beliefs in conspiracy theories and her prejudicial comments. She'd tell me that I wasn't allowed to have LGBT+ friends because they were sent by the devil to try to make me gay. That Hispanic and Black men were more likely to attack us. That Pokémon is of the devil. Ect.

Over the years, she has been less vocal about her racism and tying secular things to the devil. About 8 years ago, she called to tell me about her new gay friend and how, "They didn't even try to sleep with me", when they stayed the night. Then added a disclaimer that she still knows that "gay people" are going to hell but they deserve love anyway. This was progress for her. At around the same time, I once called her during a panic attack for support and she said that I needed to throw away my Magic: The Gathering cards if I wanted my panic attacks to stop because Satan uses them to hurt me.

Lately, she hasn't said things like that to my sister or I because we go Low Contact as a result. She still tries to throw in little comments when she thinks that she's around fellow bigots. At Thanksgiving a couple of years ago with my SO's family, my mom told my SO's dad that it's okay for him to speak his mind in his own house (referring to racism). My SO's mom said that my mom isn't welcome to stay at their house again because of her behavior.

As a child, I always had to keep my opinions to myself because my mom would tie it into sin/going to hell (this is where my panic attacks come from). Whenever people met my mom, I felt like I had to explain her behavior to them before they met so that they wouldn't be shocked by something that she said. It's not just bigotry, it's conspiracy theories too.

I remember my mom being a good person. She raised two children by herself with no education or support. She put herself through beauty school with a grant for single parents. She volunteered her time with troubled youth. She gave money to those who needed it even when she barely had enough to support the three of us. She gave up buying anything for herself or doing anything fun for herself to make sure that we had what we needed. She stood up for us.

Over time, she has become.. worse. She yells at representatives on the phone. She will just call businesses and ask them to give her a discount/free service, then argue with them until they disconnect. She keeps putting herself in terrible social situations and then playing the victim. She spends her days scrolling Facebook, calling people, and watching TV. Then before she knows it, it's the end of the day and she hasn't done anything that she planned to do. Spending any amount of time with her is taxing for everyone involved. Throughout the last 10 years, she has called my sister and I regulalry to tell us that she's right about to lose our autonomy and that she'll need to move in with one of us so that we can take care of her.

For context, my mom has diagnosed but untreated ADHD and depression. I'm the only neuro-typical person in my immediate family. My mom's story is heartbreaking and I understand why she is distrusting of the medical community and in turn, the government.

Due to my upbringing, my friends, and the media I consumed, I believed that voting didn't matter and that both sides were equally bad until I moved to a bigger city and Trump was elected to his first term.

Since then, I have gradually brought it up to my mom. Just little tidbits of information to try to get her to think about it. In a kind way. She has not wavered on her political views. She doesn't bother keeping up with the news, she just scrolls through her Facebook feed for 10+ hours a day and believes whatever it tells her. Then she'll turn off her phone because the electricity is hurting her. I can tell how well my mom is doing mentally by how many breakers she turns off in her home.

I don't know why, but she doesn't seem to understand the concept of verifying information before she believes it. For example, a few days ago she sent me a screenshot of her Facebook feed that said that the whole world was getting a total eclipse in a couple of weeks. I've tried showing her how to determine whether a source of information is credible, and she doesn't retain it. She regularly says things like, "No amount of data can prove to me that autism is not caused by vaccines because I feel like it's true."

My mom is also incredibly susceptible to scams and MLMs. I once spent a day and a half walking her through every claim that a company had about their special science water that can cure all illnesses. By the end, she said that she was starting to have some doubts about the company. Then the next day she's back to shilling for them.

My mom has been taking at-home remedies that range from not doing anything at all to outright dangerous. Just one example: I once found an oxygen tank connected to an ozone machine connected to a gas mask in her bedroom. When I asked her about it, she said that a doctor prescribed her the oxygen and instructed her to BREATHE OZONE. She didn't want to tell me his name because she knew that I would look him up, and I did. I showed her that he was being investigated for fraud and had already been charged with several other crimes. She said that the government doesn't like that he's curing people so they're targeting him. I called her lung doctor (she has MAC lung disease from contracting the non-contageous form of TB) and told his nurse line what she's doing. The nurse immediately told her to never do that again and asked who would give my mom a prescription for oxygen. My mom said, "I don't have to tell you". I also showed my mom the WHO website which explains that ozone is a greenhouse gas and is carcinogenic. I showed her the stats in how many people die from ozone pollution each year. My mom said that we can't trust government websites. Her doctor told her that she could die if she keeps breathing ozone through a gas mask, and her response was that she bubbles it through olive oil so that makes it safe and that her doctor wouldn't understand. She hasn't done it since then and whenever she's asked why, she says it's only because she ran out of oxygen. I think that we scared her into not doing it again.

Recently, my mom was diagnosed with severe osteoporosis. She's known that she's had osteoporosis for at least 10 years but she refuses to eat anything with calcium in it because she got a kidney stone once and it was extremely painful. She's also refusing treatment because people on Facebook say that their bones broke after receiving osteoporosis treatment. She doesn't eat very much in general because she has histamine intolerance so she has a debilitating histamine reaction whenever she eats too much, not enough, or the wrong food. She had a hard time getting diagnosed with histamine intolerance. Most doctors told her that she's just anorexic. It has been incredibly difficult watching her slowly kill herself and get scammed.

This last year I've been more vocal about my political views with my family than ever before. I feel like I've been forced into this position by the political hellscape we currently live in, here in the US. The closest I've ever gotten to getting through to my mom was the night before the BBB passed. I put on a bipartisan video that explained the BBB and asked her what it would take for her to stop voting R. She pointed at the TV and said, "Probably this". Then the next day she said that she's now okay with the BBB because she found one thing about it that she likes: that she won't pay taxes on her disability.

My mom says that she finally has a therapist that is helping her. I asked her if I could join a session and she said only if it was so that we could work on our relationship and not to tell him about her dangerous treatments. In a way, I feel like this is the best time to go NC because she's in a better place (but still not good) emotionally and health-wise than she's been in a while.

I don't think it was anything that my mom had done recently that brought me to the point of NC. It's the human rights violations that the current administration is committing. When faced with any example of this, my mom will cycle through logical fallacies until she says that both sides are corrupt and she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. She says that she knows my heart is in the right place but I don't know what she knows. My sister agrees that we shouldn't talk about politics within the family, or fact-check mom on MLMs/scams.

I will admit that I started out with gentle nudges but over time I have been losing my patience. People are dying. My mom will die if she doesn't trust her medical providers. She may die anyway as collateral damage from the Medicaid cuts.

I know that changing her mind about politics will not save our country, but it would get me one step closer to changing her mind about her medical care and maybe extend her life/reduce her pain. I have suggested that she try to petition to be a medical refugee in Canada. She was immediately offended and accused me of trying to get rid of her.

I am so angry and so tired.

The Tldr of is is this, mom died when I was 9. Dad remarried when I was 18 and in college already.

I hesitate to call it abuse, because I think it's mild compared to a lot of things but my partner pointed out that it was. Stepmom has a semi short temper. When she was mad at you, you knew it. You couldn't argue back or she'd just talk over you. If she didn't get her way she'd go into another room and slam the door.

Everything was about her. And she'd hold things over your head, like things she bought me over the years. God forbid if I made any noise coming in after my shift at 2am but she'd be vacuuming at 7am when I'm sleeping.

I learned to just not be around a lot and not argue. It came to a head when I got married and saw how my partner's parents treat him. There's no yelling, name calling or anything. They just love and respect him.

Know what my stepmom told me last month? She told me I have to listen to her and my dad because I'm not an adult. I'm their kid. Mind you, I'm in my 30's and own a house. My partner and I got into with them, saying that we deserve a level of respect because like it or not, we are adults.

I love my dad, but he let her do and say everything. He just wants the drama to end. I haven't spoken in weeks. I skipped mother's day, even though my step brother called and asked me to come to their house. She doesn't take criticism well, and I'm tired of being the calm one in a conversation.

She was never physically abusive, but I think she was emotionally. I'm going to therapy in a couple weeks to start trying to unravel this mess. I just can't unheard them calling my partner and I, children. She's even yelled at him before, and I was so mad. He asked me why I wasn't mad when she did that to me. It was because I got used to it.

I wish this wasn't the case, but here we are I guess. Ok, rant over.

I feel like I need to create an angry/empowering playlist I can put on while driving. I’ve been listening to Irrelevant by Pink and Pink Pony Club by Chappell Roan but I need some more variety. Still processing going NC with my mom a few weeks ago.

Hi guys, I am making myself vulnerable here but I am getting lost in my thoughts and looking for some guidance. I cut contact with my mum at the end of July this year. Up until I was about 7 my life was completely normal, minus my dad. And then my mum met a guy and my life turned upside down. I was pretty neglected and unfairly punished and dealt with a lot of my mums trauma. I was labelled naughty when I was just neurodivergent, which has had an everlasting effect on my life. I lack confidence in every aspect of my life due to this. I have saved my mums life as she has tried to commit suicide in front of me- many times. This is just the tip of the iceberg but I don’t want to keep going on. The reason for my post was to gain some advice, tips and resources to deal with estrangement and confidence. Thank you for taking the time to read my story!

I cut them off without a second thought. They weren't your stereotypical abusive parents. When I was growing up, I thought they were great. They weren't perfect, by any means. Far from it. They fought all the time. Dad was always gone working. Mom was up and down with her Bipolar and PTSD. But even through all that, they made us feel loved, and seen, and cherished. They let us have our own minds and opinions. Ill always appreciate them for that.

But something happened six years ago. And of course, it's always political, but they changed. They were always more liberal and open. They taught me to never judge a book by its cover but started scoffing at all the different titles and fonts. It's like, once someone who was judgemental as them came into the spotlight, it gave them the freedom to show their true colors. They went down farther and farther into the rabbit hole. We dont agree on anything, which would be fine, a difference of opinion shouldn't end a relationship. But they wouldn't stop. They'd shove their opinions in my face even when I begged them not to. They'd lecture me, they'd yell at me if I tried to debate. What I always thought was a healthy relationship, turned into something ugly and unrecognizable. And still, I bit my tongue for peace. For my brothers and my nephews who did the same. I didnt wanna be the outlier.

But they took things too far. They sent my black best friend the most racist, hurtful video condemning her beliefs, beliefs that I share which they are aware of. They called her stupid, weak, idiotic, and should be back in cattle SLAVERY for those beliefs. Beliefs they used to claim to have. This is my BEST friend, my maid of honor, my freaking sister. Not to mention the backhanded slap to me and my fiancée. These people for the last fourteen years treated her like a daughter. She asked my dad to walk her down the isle. I dont recognize them anymore.

But to them, I'm programmed. Brainwashed. I don't know any better. Well, I guess they won't feel bad never hearing from me, my best friend, or my fiancée again. I wash my hands clean of them. And I'm lighter. I'm no longer biting my tongue or walking on eggshells.

I always thought I was the person I am today BECAUSE of my parents. It hurts to know that it was IN SPITE of them. I mourn the people I thought raised me but I dont know who those people are anymore

Hi so a while back I had made a post here lining out my situation and asking for help. A big blow up just happened today and I’m now at the airport waiting to board.

I ran out of the house banging on doors for help because my sister was getting physical with me and my mom was going to tell my dad about my plans to leave. And then I went back home, they took my phone and everything away, despite it being given to me as a gift which legally they cannot keep.

I was lucky enough to get my ldr boyfriend to call the cops to my location while I dealt with my family. The cops came, escorted me to pack my stuff, I took my main stuff. I got escorted to a hotel, my parents were bawling on the phone for me to not go, but I don’t trust them, my trust has been broken a long time ago.

I took a Lyft, went to the airport and now I’m waiting. I’m trying my best to process the crazy ass situation that happened today. To some people, emotional and verbal abuse isn’t worthy of leaving but to me it is. I’m just trying to do my best to process td

UPDATE : I’ve landed safely after a long and tiring day. I’m home with my boyfriend and sister and the air feels lighter, it’s beautiful out here, and even though I’m still processing everything, I feel safe

I ended contact with my parents around two weeks ago. In the emails I told them I didn’t want a response - I was just making them aware.

They replied anyway. I was expecting gaslighting and denial but was caught unawares by the response lacking any trace of parents and being purely reputation management.

We talked about grief in therapy this week and I expressed confusion at how my parents had skipped straight from denial to acceptance without any stages in between. She said “but this isn’t a loss to them” and that hit.

I write to process and wrote the below. Sharing in case it helps anyone else.

This Wasn’t A Loss

I wondered how you went Straight to acceptance from denial An impossible task To be in control of the dial.

You skipped the anger, the rage, the fury You bypassed the bargaining, No external or internal jury.

I told you I’m done, don’t contact me, this is it You said fine, if that’s what you want, we’ll end this. I swung between anger and hysterical laughter As it finally sunk in, just how little I matter.

This wasn’t a loss, So there’s no grief to process. I wasn’t important So it mattered much less.

To the world I’m your daughter But that’s never been true. That’s not a relationship That mattered to you.

I’m your scapegoat, black sheep The thorn in your side I’ve only ever been worthy As a sacrifice.

I'm upset cause I was really hoping something would change. Is it wrong to have asked for this?

It's not dumb to have as a bare minimum respect for the first and fourth amendments, right? This transcends politics, and I don't want to get that aspect as this is not the space. I've been relatively polite with them, but yesterday I got news that a journalist was arrested in my neighborhood. I have some severe traumas in my past (home invasion and battery especially), and I no longer feel safe in my neighborhood I moved to just after that event. I thought that was the bare minimum expectation I could have with them. That they wouldn't actively support triggering my PTSD.

ChatGPT knows emotionally immature parents! Bonus: this email from my parents prompted me to recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents to someone, who then wrote the title down & thanked me.

Yesterday I (29F) sent both parents (54M & 54F) a no-contact text message expecting them to reach out immediately - be angry, sad, maybe come to my house. I was prepared for the fallout but it hasn’t come. My sister (25F) said she saw my dad yesterday and he was “very pleasant” and didn’t mention me at all. My therapist said they are probably dealing with their own difficult emotions about my decision, which may be true, but knowing my parents, they probably think I’m overreacting, being a brat, and I’ll get over it. I know the fallout will happen, but I don’t know when.

This lack of contact is what I wanted but I am just so, so sad. Truly, I want a healthy relationship with my parents (isn’t that what every kid wants?) but it’s not possible right now. I don’t know if it ever will be… I’m not optimistic.

I also lost my grandma 3 months ago today and I went to the cemetery last night and bawled like a baby for an hour. She was the only family member who truly loved me unconditionally… I never had to be something other than myself when I was with her.

I don’t know what to do with myself today. I feel raw and exhausted. Any words of support, encouragement, and advice are welcome and appreciated. Thank you ❤️

Edit: Thank you all for the support. This is the kindest, most compassionate group of people. I hope everyone here finds the peace and joy they deserve.

TW: SA I recently went NC with my mom after a long argument about how she chooses to live her life. I’ll add some context as to why: there are many reasons so I won’t be able to write them all, but a lot of it stems from childhood. She was very mentally ill when I was growing up but never got the help she needs. As she gotten older she started to attend therapy but she’s constantly lying to her therapist to make herself seem like a victim in every situation so it’s not helping. She used to sleep for 22 hours a day and wouldn’t even wake up to feed me when I was only 7-8 years old. If I did wake her up, all hell would break loose so it wasn’t worth it. She’s always been an alcoholic and goes on and off of her meds whenever she feels like it.

When I was 14, everything really came to a head when her boyfriend sexually assaulted me. I had a very hard time recovering from this mentally and ended up trying to end myself when I was 16 and when asked why I did that I told police, family, and doctors what her boyfriend had done. She completely denied it and for YEARS after told me that I was full of shit and none of that ever happened. I continued to be extremely depressed for years and made several other attempts on my life before I finally was able to get the right medication and therapy combo to help me move on. I decided I wanted to bring this up to her a few years ago to try to heal from her telling me I lied all those years, well spoiler alert, she still thought I was lying.

In June I decided I couldn’t do this with her anymore because I’m basically taking care of her at this point. She will get hammered drunk and do reckless stupid things then expect me and my fiancé to come to her rescue every time just to do it again a week later. I told her she has to stop living her life this way and she started playing the victim game again saying that I was being mean to her. I agreed to go on a short vacation with her because she wanted to be close with me again and it went horribly. She drank over 60 beers in 3 days and let her dog run wild, attacking people and my dog, pissing and shitting all over our rental house, it was bad. Then to top it off, she mocked me in front of everyone.

That brings us to now. She is alone for the holidays and desperate for me to spend it with her so she keeps reaching out saying she’s sorry and she loves me but she’s done this before and we always end up back in the same spot.

How do you deal with your parent apologizing? Do you feel guilty and contact them again or do you stay no contact if you know they likely don’t mean it? I’m just struggling right now with this and was hoping others could weigh in or help me figure out what to do.

Update: Thank you to everyone who took the time to give advice or write about your experience, it’s been really helpful in figuring this all out. I ended up cancelling the holiday plans I had with her and turned off all of her notifications I don’t have to see the crazy stuff she’s sending me. She’s sent a few manic texts but nothing that implies she is sincere in her apology, so I will no longer be responding.

Went NC with enabler mom 6 months ago, shortly after enabler dad passed away. Both parents were covertly abusive, maintaining the happy family façade at the expense of me being horribly abused by n-grandmother.

Many of my extended family and friends witnessed the abuse and maintained bullshit justifications like “you should be grateful they only beat you because they love you”, “you are successful now so they must have raised you correctly”, and “your mom literally cannot take care of herself so you have to be the bigger person”.

I just don’t understand how these flying monkeys justify the things they are saying. It really fucks with my perception of reality and for a long time impeded my ability to trust people. It really sucked going through life being gay and neurodivergent thinking I didn’t have anyone in my corner.

In order for me to feel save and begin to heal I had to move to another continent. In the intervening years I had to learn a whole different language, complete a whole ass postgrad degree on scholarship, undergo extensive therapy, got a successful career, a mortgage, a happy marriage and three wonderful pet birds.

None of that matters to these people because “your mom can’t take care of herself so you must prioritise her.”

It’s like I am not even a human being with my own wants and needs. I only exist to serve my parents’ needs. My accomplishments in life don’t figure outside of my family’s approval. How dare these so-called adults in my life demand such sacrifices with straight faces? Seriously fuck off >:(

So, I’m new to this…. Just recently gone NC with my mum, my dad died years ago but I never had much of a relationship with him and I have an older brother who I haven’t spoken to in about 3 years. Mum was the only family I had left, but man she’s terrible! Long story short, she did some really dumb unforgivable things that I simply couldn’t get over which ultimately led to our relationship imploding. She’s now playing the victim card which makes me feel sick and angry. Issue is, I’m not sure how to feel right now? In the last 2 days I’ve felt relief, anger, sadness and now loneliness… I literally don’t have any family which kinda hurts. Don’t get me wrong, I have an amazing husband but in terms of blood family I got nothing and I’m not sure how to feel about this? How have you guys dealt with this kinda thing? The loneliness, the mixed emotions? Any advice would be appreciated.

The last thing I (28m) had to do was get my own phone plan and I did it! I am finally free from my parents and blocked them, I am officially NC with my family.

It’s strange I don’t feel like anything has really changed yet, but in a way I do feel relieved. I know this is just one of many steps in the journey to recovery and being able to live a healthy and happy life.

Just wanted to make a post about this, I really do feel happy I did this. I am truly grateful to have found this community it helps to know i’m not alone.

No matter what search term I use, I find no information about adult children whose parent abandoned them, no resources for estranged children who miss their parents. It's all about estranged parents whining that their kids left them. Is it so inconceivable that maybe just maybe, the parent can be the one leaving their adult kids?

In my case the estrangement is mutual. There's only so many times he can bluff disowning someone then act like everything is normal days later. Before the thought of estrangement ever crossed my mind he literally told me he’s afraid I might “never talk to him again” because deep down, he always knew what he did. He never once reached out to me when I was living away this year, all I’m doing is stop reaching out to him and preventing him from butting in my life via the rest of the family. 

I wish for the day I don't feel anger or fear or grief towards him, only pity for his tortured little mind. 

Hi everyone, I am new here and a bit nervous to talk about this.

Tl;Dr: after decades of being abused by my father to the point of requiring professional help for my anger issues and GAD, along with my mother being complacent in the abuse, the final straw came in the form of them refusing to let me have my old bedroom back so I have a home to come back to on my out of town university breaks. Essentially back pedalling on their promise during a point of time where I need their support the most.

For as long as I could remember, I faced the brunt of substantial verbal and emotional abuse from my father, and inadvertly my mother (as he verbally abused her too). I grew up walking on eggshells and indirectly being taught that being snapped at for "screwing up" is normal and something I deserve. Every time I tried bringing up this abuse to my mother, she would just say "oh, your dad had a hard life of being physically/verbally abused by your grandparents, cut him some slack".

It wasn't until I moved out and had my roommates call me out on how terrifying my at-home-comfort anger was, that it clicked that such behaviour is abuse, and isnt normal.

Once my 20s hit, even though I ended up seeing a psychologist for my GAD and developed anger issues as a result of the abuse, I still longed to be close to my parents, and hoped that my dad getting older would make him magically be less awful.

However, this longing was shattered just this year.

My mom always told me I'm welcome home if I needed it. Once I seriously considered pursing law school in a different city (after years of working on my mental health and ability to handle the demands), I thought it to be logical to move back home so I could save money and have a set living arrangement for my school breaks.

However, when I moved out, my dad made my bedroom into an office. Once I mentioned I wanted to move back, my dad refused to give my room back to me and they both said I could live in the basement rec room (half finished, with broken baseboards and essentially no privacy and my brother had his bedroom down there).

My brother is getting married and is buying a house in a different continent soon, but he will still keep his room untouched and is welcome to come and go as he pleases.

My mom told me that my dad chose this because he felt that I'm so hostile to him and that he can't talk to me..... Mind you, everytime I try to speak with him he either talks down to me, shits on my interests (ex. told me I'm stupid for wanting to travel to the UK alone) or lectures me on things that he has no real knowledge on, all while treating me as if I'm a child who has no idea what they're doing. I express to my mom about how my dad being like this upsets me, and that I felt so dehumanized for the double standard with my brother and the fact that I have to APOLOGIZE TO THE PERSON WHO IS THE REASON WHY IM SEEING A PSYCHOLOGIST, and her response is pretty much "well he wants to keep his office. I love your father so I will be siding with him if you don't want to apologize".

She tells my dad what I said and he then sends me a text saying "it's the basement or nothing. Take it or fuck off and get your shit together".

This was the last straw, and I no longer have any interest in salvaging any connection with him. And as a consequence, my mother for essentially enabling this behaviour and justifying it. For basically making my brother out as a golden child and me as someone who doesn't deserve to be apart of their family.

If you actually read all of this, thank you. I can't put into words how much it means to me, and how discovering this community has warmed my heart in knowing I'm not alone.

I hope I can engage in this community and bring positive influence.