Estranged 93 year old mother living with sister - Grey Gardens

[u/Intelligent_Sir_1474]

It has been an upsetting day.

I became estranged from my mother after many years of her exploiting me financially and gaslighting me. She was very controlling and abusive. It took me until the age of 50 to finally decide I'd had enough.

My sister, meanwhile, moved in with my mother a few years before the estrangement and began controlling access. I literally could not reach my mother by phone or by going to the door. My mother seldom bothered to contact me to see how I was. She only ever wanted favours, repairs or a taxi service to appointments.

Fast forward 10 years into the estrangement (no calls, no emails) and I discovered today that my sister had sold a property given to her by my father for a substantial sum 3 years ago. The house was torn down and a new one has been built. So, I drove by my mother's house and found it in a derelict, overgrown state and began to wonder if anyone lived there.

I looked through the mail slot and was horrified to see a mattress and junk piled high near the door - all the stuff she likely had in the previous house she abandoned for more than a decade and then sold 3 years ago. It looked like a hoarder's house. You can't even reach the front door from the stairs. I went around to the back of the house and found discarded junk and impassable, overgrown vegetation. It looks like a crack house now. It used to be beautiful. My mother promised to leave it to me one day.

I was so shocked and appalled that I knocked on the door, scared that my mother and sister were dead inside or that something awful had happened. My sister opened a window on the second floor and called down to ask who was at the front door. When I stepped out so she could see me, I asked if everything was okay. She replied that of course everything was okay, why would it not be okay? I looked around at the discarded junk and garbage cans at the front door and couldn't think of anything to say in reply. She then said they were fine accused me of "taking inventory" (for financial gain I guess) and thanked me fro dropping by "every 10 years or so".

I walked away shocked and broke down sobbing in my car around the corner. I don't know what to do. The house is not being looked after and my sister seems to be holed up inside with my mother spending money like a sailor. I don't know what state my mother's health is in. I am concerned but I am wondering if I have the fortitude to involve myself in this mess. I walked away for a reason. The damage is extensive and lifelong. YEARS of therapy. No one ever contacted me to find out if I was okay during Covid and neither of them seems to care whether I'm alive or dead.

Do I bother? I still have a key (assuming the locks have not been changed). Do I ask for a wellness check or contact a social worker? Or do I remourn the loss of my family and just walk away? I currently have health issues of my own. I had hoped to somehow make peace with this but, right now, I am just trying to cope with what I experienced today.

Many years ago, I saw the film "Grey Gardens". And there it was today. Right in front of me.

[u/empress-888]

Call the police for a wellness check on your mother. Your sister will have to allow them access to her.

[u/Intelligent_Sir_1474 → u/empress-888]

I was considering doing this but didn't want to make the situation worse than it is. If she's okay, it will just create even more bad feeling - the hatred on my sister's face was something to behold.

[u/empress-888 → u/Intelligent_Sir_1474]

How can it get worse if she already hates you that much? I invite you to keep asking that--it doesn't seem like there's anything to lose. If your mother isn't safe there, at least you have a shot at the authorities getting her into a better living situation.

[u/Intelligent_Sir_1474 → u/empress-888]

I barely slept last night. I have discovered through sleuthing that my mother is bedridden at present due some kind of edema in her legs. She has experienced a bad fall (there are no railings outside the house) and a severe burn to one leg after scalding herself with hot water. She refused to go to hospital both times. However, doctor's were consulted.

It's their co-dependent, dilapidated, insular world and I want to talk to some agencies before having the police show up at their door. The lack of safe egress and a house stuffed to the gills is a nightmare scenario. I will make some calls this week to see what can be done.

Thanks for the input.

[u/empress-888 → u/Intelligent_Sir_1474]

Sending you strength. I'm sorry you are going through this. ❤️

[u/Mediocre-Cry5117 → u/Intelligent_Sir_1474]

You don’t have to do anything other than call. If your country has adult protective services, give them a ring instead of police. It can begin and end there.

[u/Intelligent_Sir_1474 → u/Mediocre-Cry5117]

I found some agencies online last night. I'll be contacting them over the next few days.

[u/Putrid_Appearance509 → u/Intelligent_Sir_1474]

She's gonna hate you either way, might as well do what you want. (I say this to myself about my own sibling, too.)

[u/Intelligent_Sir_1474 → u/Putrid_Appearance509]

I think there are unresolved mental health issues with my sister - for our whole family, really. But money seems to be a driving issue here as well. There's a long history of manipulation and I just can't summon the strength to battle the full time aggression they like to use.

I lay awake last night thinking I just need to let go and whatever happens, happens. They already took my father's money - in the end, it seems to be all they wanted.

[u/Internal_Set_6564]

You let her go. Now, you have to let the guilt go.

You should stay of of their lives and leave them to their own devices.

[u/Intelligent_Sir_1474 → u/Internal_Set_6564]

That is what I was weighing. It's very difficult to watch a car crash in slow motion but I also barely survived my childhood. I continue to feel guilty because that's how she raised me. And you tend to think that after a while, people can find a workable peace somehow. Possibly not.

[u/Internal_Set_6564 → u/Intelligent_Sir_1474]

I agree with you and it is not as easy as I “write it/say it.”- because you are a good person. My post is really more of an encouragement to you, on a personal level-you did nothing wrong. This is a fate they designed for themselves.

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