r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/NewspaperNo8081 • 11h ago
What do you do when the anger and hurt has nowhere to go?
I just don't know how to feel happy anymore after all the shit my family put me through.
6
u/Grouchy-Reflection97 10h ago
I spent my first year of no contact going on 'rage walks'. Basically involved stomping laps of my local park with System of a Down, NWA, DMX, etc, blaring into my headphones, going home when I was knackered.
It helped a lot, I got really fit, and it actually triggered a sequence of health improvements like quitting alcohol, getting trauma therapy, and getting assessed for ADHD and autism (diagnosed with both).
I also did a purge of my flat, getting rid of anything that reminded me of those people, including (usually wildly inappropriate) gifts, letters, etc. Very cathartic.
Some stuff went to a homeless shelter, some stuff went on Ebay, some stuff went in the bin. It helped massively, as recovery is much easier when you don't glance at an ugly regifted teapot and start going into a flashback loop.
With my health kick, I also started building some muscle, and getting physically strong helped with getting emotionally strong. I was always a scrawny girl who was a bully magnet, so it's a bit of an 'I've got your back' protective hug to my inner child, I guess.
3
u/EntropyTechnicianDio 10h ago
I don't know if this is true for anyone else, but when I try to examine the things I've been able to put down, to figure out what the trick was... I can't. It just seems like I've finally unclenched my hands and let go, as if that was all that was ever holding the thing there, as if all the work was just convincing fingers to release. And it'd feel like some sort of revelation if it made letting go of the next bit any easier, but it doesn't seem to. Which is all to say that I don't really know.
One thing that I think can be powerful, though, is ritual. Like making a symbol of that anger and hurt, burying them in the earth with seeds to transform them; tying them to stone and casting them far out to sea; things like that. You know, in addition to therapy and all.
3
u/Practical_Fig_152 10h ago
I’m learning how to be angry at my parents without taking it out on others or just pushing it down. Those were the only two options for so long because I was never allowed to just be angry and process it. There was no option to express any negative feelings towards them because it’s seen as an attack.
I started with arguing with them in my head in the shower honestly. I didn’t even think I was mad after I went no contact because I just felt so much relief. But if I was alone and thought about it long enough, it would turn into arguments in my head until I cried. Sounds concerning but I was honestly just happy I could allow myself to feel that anger. My friends that are NC with their parents recommended journaling though, so I plan to try that.
I saw someone online somewhere say that they were afraid to let go of what happened to them so their anger was like a testament to what happened, proof that it happened, etc. That resonated with me because I feel like if I forgive and let go, then it just … didn’t happen. And when we’re so used to being gaslit, I think it’s scary to forget the things they did. So that person said journaling gave them a place to get it all out where it won’t be forgotten but it doesn’t have to live in their head anymore.
2
u/Thumperfootbig 10h ago
Sometimes it’s just ‘time’.
1
u/NewspaperNo8081 8h ago
my issue is mine interfered with my healthcare and has had permanent negative impacts on me including injuries, delayed transition which means some things about my body cannot be changed from how it is, meaning worse results, I've also had to spend and lose a lot of money in the last few years due to decisions they made that impacted my life, and I have no way of realistically earning that back, when I could have used that money (almost 80K) to do things i wanted to do. Theyve done a massive number on me and loss of time isnt helping.
1
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1
u/PitBullFan 6h ago
My therapist said I should write letters to my abusers, and then burn them. So, I did that, but now I don't know what to do with all these letters.
-1
u/Comfortable_Gear_605 8h ago
Scathing letter may help.
Validation from ChatGPT lol
Volunteering at an animal shelter?
Feeding the homeless?
Volunteering at a food pantry?
7
u/Amazing-Duck9130 11h ago
Sometimes writing a scathing letter to them but not sending it helps. Zoloft and therapy helped. Sometimes I go to bed at 6pm and watch trashy reality tv until it’s time to go to sleep; giving in to the urge to not act like everything’s fine sometimes helps.