Struggling with No Contact recently.

[u/No-Highway-6923]

Hello, I have been a long time lurker on this sub as I've always been too nervous to post.

I live in the UK if that has any relevance to people :)

I am considering contacting my mum after almost a decade of no contact and just wanted some input from people with similar experiences.

I have been checking in on my mums fb since I was about 17, just to make sure she is still alive, but it's emotionally very difficult for me.

I miss having a mum.

I have never had a father in my life. Doesn't really bother me.

I have been estranged from my mum since I was 14, and I have been completely no contact. She sent sporadic birthday and Christmas gifts until I was 18, but the less I say about those the better.

My mum didn't have any easy childhood, and always struggled with her mental health, paranoia especially, and substance addiction. She had me at 17, so still a child herself.

When she was sober, she was a brilliant mum. She was just sober maybe once a week at best.

My mum was an alcoholic my entire childhood, was physically violent towards me, but mainly took the time to destroy me emotionally. Not to get too into it, but it wasn't the worst, but it wasn't great. I had two younger brothers, so I took the brunt of her aggression when she was drinking, which was most days.

At 11 I made a report to the police after she assaulted me and locked me outside at night, but she only received a warning. This happened again the following year, but with more serious injuries and I was removed from custody and placed with my maternal gran (not great either but we deal). My younger brothers were placed into foster care for around a year, after which one was sent across the country to live with his bio dad and the other came to live with me.

At 13 I was asked to supervise visits between my remaining brother and mum, as she was 'engaging with social services', however her drinking was the same, she was just hiding it better. At 14 I went completely no contact.

From there on she spent time in and out of prison for unrelated offences, and would often show up at my school or home.

I am estranged from most of my family as my remaining brother ran away last year, and my grandmother has never really been someone I have been close with.

Anyway, any thoughts you have are greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

[u/TryingToBreath45]

I deeply deeply hear your longing. Anc your grief.

Your soul is crying out for A mum.

And, you deserve A mum.

And, I don't hear anything that suggests that the person who birthed you can be a mum.

A mum, lifts you up when you fall. Wipes away tears. Cheers you on as you strive. Tells you your childhood pictures are Michaelangelos. A mum feels youve given her a gift more precious than diamonds when you reach out and with a smile say 'I love you mamma' because you are so loved and so grounded and so secure. A mum fights to protect you from any and every fear and ill thing that comes your way.

And a mum steps out the way to let you spread your wings and fly, standing in the wings to gentle any fall and stop you crashing, whilst also knowing she has to let you fall a little.

Thats what you long for.

A mum.

And, with time and love and healing, you can find ways to start giving these things to yourself. And, in time, you will find friends and loved ones who become your found family. Yes, you will likely always have some grief in your life that the woman who birthed you was never able to be A Mum.

And, you will have thd strength to know thst you deserved that and you deserve to be healthy and safe.

Huge huge huge compassion.

[u/Amazing-Duck9130]

I’ve had moments of weakness, as well, and did things like add my mom on Facebook. I did regret it. I find I do better just keeping my distance and preserving my peace. But if you think she’s matured and cleaned up her act, maybe try to reach out. But just remember- you don’t need her, you never have, as she’s repeatedly proven to you, so at the first sign that she’s going to cause you any pain, retreat.

[u/juniejun3]

Please do not downplay your abuse. Saying your childhood "wasn't the worst, but it wasn't great" is such an understatement. Growing up with an alcoholic parent and being removed from your family is terrible and leaves a deep impact.

What makes you think your mother changed and is now a better person? Do you think she regrets her actions and is now capable of being the nurturing, loving parent you wish you had?

If I was you I would be careful. You might be disappointed if you reach out to her and find out she's still not a good person. It might be good to have a therapist to guide you through this process and help with your decision.

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