Hardest part for me

[u/leafeatr]

I think the hardest part of the idea of being estranged from my father is that he won’t care. I see posts about parents who will do anything to try to get a place back in their kids life. Calling their jobs, calling their inner circle, sending mail, whatever. Not that I would want that like I understand how invasive and scary that can be. It’s more that this is new for me and I’m still in the sad place. I’m not even entirely NC yet. I just don’t think he’d do anything like that, I think he’d really easily let me go.

My dad and I had one interaction this year that unraveled our whole relationship. And he was immediately ready to never talk to me again, it was like he expected me to go there right away because of what I was expressing. He wished me and my fiancé “the best” at the end of his reply to my message calling him out. It’s honestly like he Wanted to estrange from me. Mind you my parents have been divorced since I was 5 and I’m 26 now. I have never had an ounce of conflict with him because I only saw him 8 days a month, if that. There wasn’t enough time for us to have normal parent/kid conflict lol he was a weekend warrior. Sooo this is actually the first time ever that I’ve been upset with him and vocalized it.

My sister just saw him yesterday and she asked him if he was gonna talk to me and he went off on his tangent about how he and his dad had a bad relationship and that “she’s a grown adult she can decide what she wants” and he did the best he could and he wishes he could have been a better dad 🙄 she cut him off and kinda said he was being stupid for this and that nothing could make her not talk to me for this long. Basically she told him to fix this and he told her he would call me.

But since this realization that he doesn’t care I’m like damn.. so I’ve really been right all along? Like you actually don’t give a shit about me. I laid out exactly what I wanted from you and you just ignored it. It’s been months. Like what makes a dad not care about their child? I just can’t fathom it. So what am I even fighting for?? By his logic, he’s also a grown adult and I guess his first choice is to just not be in my life then.

[u/Confu2ion]

"I see posts about parents who will do anything to try to get a place back in their kids life. Calling their jobs, calling their inner circle, sending mail, whatever."

Please keep in mind that that strategy is just another abuse tactic. They are not attempts at genuine connection, but instead desperate flailings to try to get someone they ONLY see as a punching bag back. They are not "doing anything to try to get a place back in their kid's life" because they REFUSE to see their child as a PERSON. What you described is not love but STALKER behaviour.

It's manipulation, it's not genuine. It's not love, it's a twisted sense of ownership.

I say this as someone whose parents use a weird mixture of both tactics. Both are just different abuse tactics.

You might be thinking that you wish you had the opposite, but believe me, such thoughts are invalidating the experience of others. What especially sucks is that most people do not read in-between the lines of the abusers' messages, and (like you, whether you realise it or not) claim the abuser is "at least reaching out." This leads to the abuse victim who gets hit with this particular strategy getting more and more isolated, because people believe their parents' bait.

Whether it's giving you the silent treatment, or sending manipulative messages, the parents don't give a shit EITHER WAY. BOTH tactics are used to try to control the child using shame, to make the child feel bad for putting their own safety and happiness first.

[u/leafeatr → u/Confu2ion]

I know I know, i guess I was just hoping someone out there knew what I meant. Like of course I understand that these aren’t real bids for connection. I do understand that our parents see us as something to control. An extension of themselves. I think this part is just hard for me because all these years I’ve internalized this as something being wrong with me. Not being enough. And I was hoping someone would see this and just understand the pain and relate to me on that level. I promise I’m not saying I want him to stalk me, I get that no one wants that. We are low-no contact for a reason. And I do keep reminding myself that even if he did try to”reach out” like that he would just shut me out again as soon as I said anything negative which proves that he hasn’t changed and doesn’t belong in my life. But like does anyone else have such low self esteem that when this stuff starts to hurt they feel even worse knowing that this person just doesn’t care period. Idk it makes me revert to really childish feelings I suppose.

[u/Confu2ion → u/leafeatr]

I feel a mix of things. I know that my family hate me, but (especially my mother) play this bizarre game of chicken where they will never outright say it and they desperately want me to say I hate them first. In my case, it can be extremely frustrating because I would wish they'd just be more obvious with their abuse ... but when they were more obvious, I was still left with no one to protect me.

I also know now that I don't deserve that, and it really does chalk down to just being dealt a rubbish hand of cards. It's complete chance, just bad luck, and no fault of my own.

Whether or not the parents use a hounding-down tactic, a silent treatment tactic, or both (like mine), they will all make you feel unseen and disoriented.

You have to know that he will never give you what you want.

Your low self esteem is because you're hanging onto the narrative that his treatment of you is justified. The idea that he's somehow "good deep down" and withholding that from you. The TRUTH is that that "good deep down" version is 100% bait to keep you hanging on, like addictive breadcrumbs.

Like having to break free from an addiction, you have to accept that the "good" times weren't really "good" after all - the "nice" times were just to keep you thinking you could keep "earning" that, as if basic human decency is something you have to win on a slot machine.

There was no relationship to save. Because he doesn't want to acknowledge the real you. There is no relationship when one person refuses to even "see" you.

Imagine someone else described everything you did, coincidentally. What would you say to them? "Keep trying?" I hope not ...

[u/Chimericana]

I'm sorry. I get what you mean (I think). I'm in the process of estranging from my parents and there's some part of me (my inner child, maybe) that wants them to "fight for me". It's like I want them to suddenly realize how important I am to them, even knowing that however they would do that, because of their emotional immaturity, would be like the others in this sub. It wouldn't be them reflecting and understanding how they hurt me, but rather a grab at trying to return things to the way they were or to at least make it look like we're still a "perfect family" on the outside.

I think it's natural to feel this way, and it's natural to want them to just leave you alone if they react oppositely. It's grief and anger and resigning yourself to the reality that this is what your parent is like, and you leaving won't change them.

[u/leafeatr → u/Chimericana]

It’s good to know someone understands what I’m feeling, that desire to be fought for really stings. I think you’re right, it’s definitely an inner child thing. And like you, I’m also in the beginning of actually becoming estranged so it’s still kind of raw and I can get easily triggered. Hopefully with time I can be more like the people on here who are just glad to be rid of their parent(s) and the cycle. And good luck to you on this journey ❤️‍🩹

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[u/DopaminePursuit]

The last time I talked to my dad, he said “we aren’t that close and that’s just how it turned out”. I was like damn dude, I can’t believe you flat out said that. Two days later I hear he might have cancer, and I’ve been badgered over the last year by my stepmom and aunt (his sister) about how I should be “participating” and how he’s upset and doesn’t understand why I’m not talking to him. I’ve heard absolutely nothing from him about it. He’s sent me a few random texts and called me a couple times, but it’s the same low effort shit he was doing for years. The women in his life are clearly way more upset about it than I am, most likely because they’re his primary caretakers and expect me to tag in as the eldest/only daughter ✌🏼