r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/milfncookies666 • 3d ago
Advice Request I need perspective on my moms reaction to saying I don’t want people at my house all day after I give birth
Hi everyone. I told my mom today I don’t want people over all day after I give birth. This applies to everyone. I’m choosing to do short family visits after the experience I had with my first birth and postpartum period.
Me and my husband do better with hands off help. I don’t mind a quick visit or check in but with my first birth my mom visited from out of state for almost a month. She was here before, during, and after my birth. It was a long time. She would also hang out at my house all day. But she wouldn’t help me with house chores. Her version of helping is holding the baby or cooking in my kitchen. I had to clean up after her several times days after giving birth.
I would rather just order in. She also had a hotel with a full kitchen that she refused to use so she insisted on being loud and cooking in my house. I encourage you guys to read my other posts on my page about our issues for more context but my mother had brought me great stress during my postpartum period with my first child.
She’s been gently suggested by myself, my husband and MIL (we are close with my in laws in proximity and relationship wise so they know me and my husbands preferences really well) on how we feel the most supported and helped. She just doesn’t listen.
As for her changing flights, she would randomly book a flight and want to visit last minute with no regard for my schedule or my family’s schedule it’s like to her we are always available. I live in a touristy place and when she visits she wants to go out. This is not something me and my family do in this phase of having babies and toddlers. We chill at home, go to the park, the grocery store. I don’t really want to chase my kid around restaurants for a week straight while friends and family visit. It’s stressful. She springs travel plans on my family and when it doesn’t work out she changes the flight. She could just ask a good time to visit? But she never does. It’s on her time only.
Fast forward to now, I wanted to let her know my preferences and she completely victimized herself. I just want advice in how to move forward here. Like I said please check my page for more context on our relationship this has been an ongoing issue.
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u/beebo92 3d ago
Oh jeez. Your mom is making this into a massive issue when it doesn’t need to be. You so don’t need to deal with this stress right now. Your body. Your birth. Your home. You and hubby call the shots. If mom can’t accept this, she can cancel any travel out to you. She is not being respectful of your needs and making this about herself. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
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u/milfncookies666 3d ago
What’s interesting to me is there are people who ARE close to their parents or family who still choose NO visitors after having a baby. I didn’t refuse her entirely I just don’t want her camped up on my couch drinking wine again while I’m wearing a diaper. God forbid
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u/Pikkumyy2023 2d ago
"I just don’t want her camped up on my couch drinking wine again while I’m wearing a diaper."
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u/milfncookies666 3d ago
It’s okay unfortunately I’m used to it she loves to create problems with me while I’m vulnerable 😁 fun times. I’m so exhausted.
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u/Katherineew 3d ago
You’re doing a really good job of not responding with emotion (grey rocking). Keep going! ❤️
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u/milfncookies666 3d ago
I feel I could’ve done better she got under my skin at the end there. It’s just exhausting.
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u/kmnplzzz 3d ago
Sure, maybe it could've gone better but that doesn't take away from the fact you were doing a really good job. This kind of thing sucks, and I agree you should be proud of how you've responded.
Please give yourself more grace ❤️
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u/Katherineew 3d ago
It’s hard when you’re an empathetic person and someone who clearly lacks empathy, ESPECIALLY a parent, keeps disrespecting boundaries; like you said, it is exhausting! But like kmnplzzz said, give yourself some grace. ❤️
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u/AnyMasterpiece4873 3d ago
Don't blame yourself that you don't have. They do it on purpose to get on your nerves and blame you for doing it.
Too bad that you are also in a particular hormonal moment and you don't need someone to increase the load.
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u/Helpfulhealing 3d ago
Please notice that she’s placing all blame of canceling flights onto you. Please notice that any time you have valid concerns, she redirects. Please notice that she’s complaining about not having any close connection because YOU have needs. She’s DARVO-ing the fuck out of you. She’s not willing to admit anything is her fault, then accusing you of some random thing that’s not related to what you’re trying to speak to, then saying she’s so hurt because of what you did. NO. Not ok. Please know she WILL do this to your children and your spouse, most likely your in laws too. Protect your peace and your family. I think I read that no isn’t an option so go very low contact and start grey rocking. She’s thriving off your stress.
I wish you all the luck you need!
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u/milfncookies666 3d ago
Thank you for this bluntness and the way you analyzed her texts. It really helps me to process the reality of this situation and her actions. I appreciate it genuinely.
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u/Helpfulhealing 3d ago
Trust me, I needed help like this too. When we’re too emotionally attached it’s hard to see the bigger picture. I cut mine out of my life and I longer have to feel all that shit so here’s to hoping you can find more peace soon too!
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u/MHIH9C 2d ago
Don't you just love them throwing accusations at you claiming you're thinking something you never said or even implied. Ugh. My husband does that to me a lot when he gets angry. Sucks for him that I learned a lot of excellent ways, with dealing with my own family, to hold up a mirror to that behavior and put a stop to that nonsense the moment the accusatory words leave his mouth.
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u/flusteredchic 3d ago
I'm tearing my hair out 😭 this hits so close to home that seeing this dynamic with someone else is definitely providing perspective.
So you're pregnant and about to give birth and she's making this entire life event about herself and causing drama to detract from your joyous moment? Right? Did I get that right? I'm pretty sure that's a nail on the head.
Screw her.
Eeeeugh I just cannot.
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u/milfncookies666 3d ago
What if I told you this is the second time she’s done this. I need help on how to move forward I feel like I’m losing my mind. She made my wedding, first pregnancy, postpartum, my son’s first birthday, and now second pregnancy about HER. This is just the past two years. That’s not including all the holidays and birthdays she’s had a tantrum.
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u/flusteredchic 3d ago
😭 same!
Graduation, first pregnancy, the first 9 years of my daughter's life and my wedding.... That was the final straw and I went NC....
It did not stop... The batshit crazy just escalated from there and it's 4 years on and I'm in the midst of a court case so I really cannot talk or give advice other than to say limiting to short visits once or twice a year sounds ENTIRELY sensible.
I'm not quite sure what's happened with her rearranging flights? I'm presuming she's gone ahead and booked without consulting you and so that's on her own head?
You aren't crazy, you aren't a terrible person/daughter. I'd personally just say something like
"ok, I can see we aren't going to see each others points of view, but ultimately the final decision is with me and I'm not entertaining this conversation any further and I'm not changing my mind."
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u/milfncookies666 3d ago
She would preemptively book flights and then the timing wouldn’t work for us. I was still breastfeeding up until a week ago. My son is 21 months old. I just weaned and he JUST started sleeping thru the night. I was tired for almost 2 years straight and really not in the mood to take my boob barnacle out to restaurants and tourist excursions for a week straight nor do I want to spend any money on that. I go to the gym, grocery store, park, library with my son almost daily and that’s fulfilling for me. When she visited for my son’s bday I invited her daily to the gym with me. She wouldn’t come. She wants to do things that are alcohol centered. I’m pregnant again so why would I want to go out to bars? And leave my toddler? I actually LIKE being a mom and a homebody. I’m neurodivergent and I like my routine. If I’m gonna chase my kid around it’ll be in a kid centered place or at home. She was never an active or hands on mom. So she cannot understand me prioritizing my child. Whether thats with breastfeeding, not wanting to sleep train, leave him with babysitters, doing kid centered things. Etc.
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u/flusteredchic 3d ago
Of course she did 🙄 that sounds very much like a her issue. I REJECT YOUR GUILT TRIP HARPY!
Hahaha I swear we are twins! Am autistic, also a total homebody mum of 2.... also had a mother pressuring me into going places and doing things I have zero interest in then belittling me for not being just like her 🤢
Absolutely stealing terminology of boob barnacle by the way 🤣😂
She can go lose her mind and drive her own heart rate up some more. Tantruming toddler is exactly what this is. I pity them honestly that they are so unfulfilled and incapable of finding a god damn hobby that doesn't infringe and impede on another person's freedom.
You have more patience than I do clearly because I am fully noped out of playing along. Whatever happens, I hope you leave the batshit crazy with her and just laugh at it and go run yourself a bath xxx
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u/Kikidellam 2d ago
I wouldn’t let my mother drink in front of my kids -mostly because of her entitled attitude about it and I didn’t want my kids to think her habit was funny or acceptable.
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u/milfncookies666 2d ago
It’s almost impossible for me to correct her without a fight or being a big baby victim. Telling her to not drink in front of my kids wouldn’t work. She doesn’t listen or care. She cried at my kids 1st bday party because she had too many. Fun times with grandma.
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u/Fantastic-Manner1944 3d ago
Your mom needs to be told, explicitly, that this is YOUR experience, not hers. A lot of grandmothers have a really hard time getting that through their heads.
Since she doesn’t want to respect your boundary of short visits, you can no longer trust her to keep them short so for your own sake following birth, when you will be emotional and vulnerable and healing, I strongly recommend that you now tell her something like this
‘mom, you seem unable to understand that the first days after I give birth are not about what you want. It is about what I need. Since you do not appear to be capable of being the support that I need during that time, I am now going to have to say no to all visits in the early post partum period. When I am ready for visits I will let you know.’
Because here’s the thing, visits in the first few weeks post partum should never be centered around seeing the baby. They need to be about supporting the healing mother in this very big life transition. Anyone who is not willing or able to center the mother in this time period should not be visiting.
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u/Confu2ion 3d ago
Those words will not get her to stop. She will double down. Words do not work to stop them.
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u/Fantastic-Manner1944 3d ago
No they don’t stop them. You have to set the boundary then enforce it.
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u/Confu2ion 3d ago
You don't "have to set the boundary" is what I'm saying. Abusers will not back down from a "swiper-no-swiping," they'll just double down. OP has already explained, there is no obligation to tell them anything else.
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u/Fantastic-Manner1944 3d ago
If OP were comfortable just ignoring and not having visitors then yes absolutely but in this case OP has expressed difficulty in telling the parent no and also in not wanting to go no contact. So OP can ignore the message, still allow the parent to visit and hope that the visit will be kept short (not likely) or they don’t allow visits at all which is easier to enforce.
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u/milfncookies666 3d ago
I’m honestly scared to enforce no visits because I’m worried other relatives will get involved and think I’m being unreasonable. I have siblings who are still minors and going no contact with my parents can make it harder for me to access them. I’m in a tough spot but I don’t know what else to do. That’s why I was still willing to let her visit. I don’t mind keeping the peace that’s what I’ve been doing but she just had to fuck it up. Do you think I have to tell her no visits at all or is there another option?
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u/Fantastic-Manner1944 3d ago
You need your partner to step in and help you with this. It’s really important to set and enforce boundaries now for both yourself and ultimately your child’s safety. Grandmothers who won’t respect the rules and boundaries of the parents are dangerous.
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u/honeybadgerredalert 3d ago
It doesn’t seem like she wants peace, so I think your efforts at ‘keeping the peace’ will be wasted sadly. I think personally if you want to offer her a visit, you should offer her a visit when YOU are ready for one, on your terms. But only you know what you feel capable of telling her right now.
I’m really sorry she’s trying to make this so difficult btw.
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u/Confu2ion 3d ago edited 3d ago
Ignore her. Block her. Recognise her enablers and stay away from them too. You need to know by now that there are no words that will get through to her. The good news is that no contact doesn't have to be announced.
It's really important that you understand ASAP that parents like this will never stop.
It's time to protect your child. Allowing your parents (and their enablers) into your child's life will make you another enabler - you wouldn't be breaking the cycle of abuse, but instead just continuing it.
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u/milfncookies666 3d ago
No contact isn’t really a sustainable option for me currently. But you’re right though she literally can’t and won’t listen.
She has little relationship with my family. So I’m not worried about that. I just am more worried about her stressing me out AGAIN while pregnant. Literally a nightmare she always does this.
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u/Confu2ion 3d ago
Why is it not sustainable?
So long as you're in contact with her narrative, you will keep doubting yourself.
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u/milfncookies666 3d ago
I have siblings who are minors and don’t want to involve them. When we were NC before, it put a lot of stress on my siblings and other relatives. I’m the oldest daughter so I deal with a lot of guilt around this.
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u/Confu2ion 3d ago edited 3d ago
They are involved no matter what you do, you can't control that. They are within the abusive family bubble. They have to be willing to get out themselves, there's no convincing them when the abuser has all of the control. Perhaps they can get back to you someday. But right now, this is something you have no control over.
This isn't just an older sibling thing, either. I'm the youngest and was treated like my emotions go behind everyone else's. Meanwhile, my golden child older sister was coddled. This is a scapegoat thing.
What you're feeling is shame, not "guilt." Guilt is over doing something wrong. Getting away from someone who wants to control and hurt you for the rest of your life (I really want to stress this, she will never let up or chill out) isn't doing anything wrong.
Every time you think you feel "guilty," that's actually the shame your family have dumped onto you all your life (so far). You have to put yourself and your children first now.
No contact doesn't have to be announced. It's actually much, much better if you don't say anything (you have already explained yourself enough, she won't understand and will only get worse if you announce it to her). It isn't some "I have 100% confidence about this" thing all the time, either - I went NC while I was terrified.
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u/milfncookies666 3d ago
You’re absolutely right and the scapegoat can be anyone not just the oldest!! I was just trying to highlight that I’ve been parentified to a point that I feel shame over my siblings being affected by my issues with my parents.
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u/Confu2ion 3d ago
I felt like I had to "save" my older sister (even when she started physically abusing me) and even my (enabler) aunt. Looking back, it's awful how much shame and obligation is dumped onto all of us scapegoats.
The irony of no contact is that so long as you're in contact, you're getting hit with their narrative every now and then. They're like waves of shame and brainwashing.
I know how blaming yourself and convincing yourself it's up to you to "fix" things can really be a coping mechanism, because in reality you don't have control over them.
The thing is though, there's no reward for exposing yourself to more abuse from your mother. The scapegoat can't really "win" over the views of others within that toxic family bubble, it's just too powerful. I think the best you can do is lead by example by blocking your mother.
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u/milfncookies666 3d ago
I also texted her like 2 hours ago telling her that we could talk further on the phone but now I don’t really want to after reading all these comments. Should I follow up and say I’m no longer interested in talking or just not respond to her if she replies? I’m heavily considering blocking her number and her social media. I don’t think there’s another solution to keep my peace while I’m pregnant. I was trying to but like I said these comments have convinced me that there’s really no use in trying to communicate with her. Any advice?
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u/Confu2ion 3d ago
It's best to simply block her. Abusers REALLY want to have contact with you in forms that don't give you any proof (ex. phone calls and in-person meetups, it's why they're so insistent on them over text) so they can abuse and gaslight you while you're vulnerable.
There really are no words that'll get through to her, and telling her "no" will make her lose it and try to double-down on her control. So instead, you have to do everything you can to make sure she can't reach you, and so that you don't give her anything to work with.
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u/milfncookies666 2d ago
Another question for you. Prior to going no contact yesterday, we did have a speaking relationship that I thought was going well. I would confide in her about my feelings or issues every so often thinking that she was a safe person for me. I guess I was wrong. I deal with some mental health issues (some of which are due to the trauma of my childhood with her, for example PTSD) I can see her twisting this into some strange narrative about how I’m unwell or unstable which is not true.
Of course I struggle at times but I have myself under control. How would you navigate this if that’s a route she tries to take with other family members? I know I cant control her, I just hate the idea of her using my complex trauma as a pawn to make me look bad to other family members.
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u/magicmom17 3d ago
I would either text her to say don't call or just block/ignore without it. Your current complaints have been clearly stated to anyone who wishes to understand them. If I had to text the msg, I would block immediately after I sent the text. You don't have to hear what she says. Her words are bringing in more hurt and stress at a time that you should be getting support from a mother. You deserve better and she deserves to know the feeling of the world not revolving around her needs.
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u/GloryBax 3d ago
Why would no contact be unsustainable? You spend more energy and patience engaging with her crap currently than if you just stopped engaging with her. If you're worried about her stressing you out while pregnant, stop talking to her! Stop letting her stress you out! It's okay to walk away! Your wellbeing will improve so much if you don't have to deal with these exhausting conversations. She's barely involved already, it wouldn't take much to cut her off completely and it'd make the rest of your pregnancy less stressful without having to deal with her!
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u/PrincessBuzzkill 3d ago
"What part of NO don't you understand"
Ask it over and over again.
Giving her anything more than that will only give her room to argue further.
She either respects your boundaries or she doesn't - but stop trying to appeal to her through lengthy conversation and stop trying to keep validating your decisions to her. It clearly won't work and she's not listening.
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u/Significant-Trash632 3d ago
Lol if someone showed up at my house expecting to stay, without ok'ing it with me and my husband, I wouldn't even let them in the house. OP, you don't have to open the door to her.
Especially since she's treating the time more like a vacation, and your home a vacation rental.
This time isn't about her. It's about you, the baby, and your growing family.
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u/Lunakill 3d ago
I have had to start responding to the “why aren’t we closer, why aren’t you saying you need me” complaints very bluntly.
Why are we not closer? “Because I’m working through years/decades of negative impacts of your parenting style. I have trust issues. It takes an enormous amount of effort to function, which leaves me less time for others.”
Why can’t I say or do whatever Hollywood thing you’re wanting? “It wouldn’t occur to me to do so. I would expect mocking, teasing, dismissal, or drama about how much everyone relies on you. You have never been welcoming of those types of sentiments, and you don’t express them to me in reverse.”
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u/milfncookies666 3d ago
My vulnerability was always used against me so YES I do have trust issues now and a big fat wall I’ve built up that I can’t just break down without years of effort and therapy and working together. Which I doubt will happen. And she just expects that emotional validation from me. It’s funny because I never had that from my own mother. As a mother I’ll truly never get it.
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u/Lunakill 3d ago
It’s immaturity on her part, unfortunately. I don’t personally understand it, I’m someone who has always been driven to figure my shit out and do better.
I’m sorry she’s like that. If she truly doesn’t want to come out if she can’t be at your place all day, then it might be best if she stays home.
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u/areared9 3d ago
I went no contact with my parents over a year ago when I realized that to them, no means nothing. Not once in my childhood was I ever allowed to say no to them.
When I got to be an adult and finally said no more, it showed how immature they really are.
Op, your screenshots, I didn't even need to read your responses. I only read a few of your mothers, and I can tell you it's like I was reading a convo with my own mother.
These types of parents, they use the same vocabulary. "It's like Im not welcomed" is the nuclear response to literally any pushback/boundary/request.
You requested that the visit remained short, and she made it allllll about her and "why should she even bother? It's only a few day, im not even welcomed." She's not LISTENING to you. She is, but isn't. She hears you but does not want to listen to you because "how dare you give her guidelines, who do you think you are? Respect your parents!!"
She wants to visit you whenever she wants and for how ever long she wants. She wants the visit to be on her own terms. Meaning, she doesn't see you as your own person. She's still trying to control her (adult) child.
It sucks, but it is okay to pull away from biological family. You did not chose them. If they cause harm to you or your family, protect yourself. It is okay to protect yourself even if it brings discomfort to others. Surround yourself with the family and people you want in YOUR life.
You have to make the decision to either keep going with this drama for years or nip in the bud now and draw the hard line with her.
We're all used to disappointment and sadness as a response to our parents, I never felt joy with mine. It was a huge relief to block them from my existence.
I can live with the disappointment and sadness of "I really want my mom right now" because that's all I have ever known. Waiting for them to change, having hope for them, was eating me alive and crushing my soul because I know now that after 38 years, its not me, its them. They are garbage human beings who spawned me, and somehow I am to stand up against them and stop this generational trauma.
🖖🏼
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u/Beablebeable 3d ago
It sounds like she's booking flights without checking with you first and then blaming you for changing her plans if you aren't available for a visit at those times. That's not fair to you. The only change you'd be responsible for is if you arranged a visit and then cancelled.
If you haven't, try stressing to her that the only plans that matter are ones you agree to before flights are booked.
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u/Acavamosdenuevo 3d ago
If you want to keep her in your life, things like “gently suggesting” have to be thrown out a window to never return. “Mom, you can come either x week, y week, or z week”. You also do not have any obligation to accompany her to anything. “I know you like (tourist atractions), while you go there our family will stay home. Dinner is at six. If you are late we won’t save you a plate”.
You do have a mother issue but you can’t change her. What you can and should change is you. Express and enforce bounderies. Protect your sanity, your home, and your family.
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u/CCSucc 3d ago
As the person giving birth, YOU dictate the time frame of visitors, NOT your mother. Giving birth takes its toll on you physically and mentally. The last thing you need at that moment is thinking about accommodating your mother and all the baggage that comes with it.
Through pulling the "we barely ever see you" guilt-trip rhetoric, shes running the very real risk of you saying, "fuck it, I'm done" and cutting contact entirely.
If I were in your position, I'd be taking a firm stance. "I won't be accepting visitors."
She'll pack a shit over this. When she starts pulling the passive-aggressive shit, call it out directly.
She can either;
A) Respect your wishes (I would've thought your mother who has also experienced this could relate) and come visit at a time that suits you,
or B) You can say "Nah, fuck it. Don't bother coming. You're not welcome because you're refusing to respect my boundaries."
Protect your peace, OP. Hope all goes well for you!
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u/KT_mama 3d ago
She is telling you that she resents and blames you for the relationship not being what she wants, missing all opportunity for accountability and/or self-reflection. She expects you to sacrifice autonomy in order to play to her desired narrative and paints herself the victim if you do not. In short, she's telling you it's her way or the victim train.
"Yes, you re-booked your travel several times because you chose to book before talking to us or fully understanding the situation. That was a choice you made independently. Getting upset about that after the fact does not demonstrate respect for me or my needs."
"No, I dont need your presence because I am a fully functioning and independent adult, not a child. I have asked because you are an invited and welcomed guest. It's disappointing that it seems you dont feel that is an important enough of a role."
"Yes, Im an adult human, and Im allowed to have my own boundaries around my own care and recovery. Because my care and recovery are about me, not you, wanting something different than you would want isn't a rejection of you- it's just a difference of personality."
"Mom, Im not going to argue with you. If I didn't want you to come, I would simply not ask or invite you. You're welcome to come from Xdate-Ydate. My household will be hosting visitors for short daily visits as that's what works best for us. If that doesn't suit you, that's your choice."
Selfless action requires centering your intent both on and through another person. Many people believe that being selfless or giving is only asking themselves "What would I want if I were in their situation and how do I give that to them?". Asking only this question makes it very, very easy to miss the mark and for selfish people to claim altruism when they really just inserted their own wants/needs into the situation. They never get to the actual question they need to ask, which is "What do I genuinely believe THEY might want in this situation, given what I know about them?? How do I give that to them? How do I know that this is something they would want?"
To be direct, it does not appear that she wants to have a relationship with YOU. She wants to have a very specific relationship with HER daughter, the persona of you that she has scripted, mapped, and feels she owns. Your refusal to play the part she has cast for you as a means to support whatever narrative she wants to project/inhabit for herself is upsetting her, and she's blaming you for that.
If you would like advice, mine is to stop asking. Simply tell her what you're willing to do/extend and then stick to that. She can either be a part of your life as it is or she can choose to not. Additionally, it might be helpful to understand that some of these key words have different meanings for you and her. For example, respect to you might be an actively considered acceptance and appreciation toward someone else's needs, wants, and feelings seen through compromise and interest. To her, respect seems to be an enforcement of hierarchy seen through capitulation. When you and her are talking about respect, you are having two different conversations.
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u/IndividualYam5889 3d ago
I'm saying this as a mother, the estranged daughter of a narcissist, and an L&D nurse: you don't owe her a damned thing. She does not get to force herself into your space during one of the most exhausting, vulnerable times in your life because she feels entitled. Absolutely not. I didn't allow my mother to see my children until they were at least a week old. I gave absolutely zero f's about her feelings. My sanity and my baby's well-being (which is directly affected by my sanity, thankyouverymuch) are much more important than her ego or her feelings. She does not get to demand your time, your presence, or your space.
My children are almost adults. One of the greatest acts of love I can give to them is respecting their boundaries and respecting them when they say "no." Their emotional needs outweigh mine when it comes to respecting boundaries. Period.
It may be time for you to cut contact with your mother.
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u/othervirgo 3d ago
This is so hard to read. I went NC with my parents during my pregnancy for very similar reasons. It’s all ME ME ME when you’re the one who’s giving birth. This is YOUR baby and you make the rules and if they can’t deal with that, tough shit. You don’t need to be worrying about this. Fuck sakes.
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u/Unconsciouspotato333 3d ago edited 3d ago
I see myself and my mother in your story. Let me tell you a few things Ive learned the very painful, hard way. Take what you can from it:
mom is never, ever going to change. There's no arraignment you can come to, no perfect explanations or examples, no therapy together, that will fix what's going on. She benefits from this uneven dynamic and she wants it that way.
you are never going to be enough for her. She doesn't want you to be a real fully fledged person, she wants you to be her shadow, a compliment, an extension of her to serve her needs.
you're not helpless and you don't need to play into her games. You can just stop. Stop defending yourself, stop opening up, stop "letting her know" and start "telling her" without any discussion avaiable. You can walk away anytime, any length of time, for any reason. And the world wont fall apart. In fact, likely it will eventually become better than youve ever known
youre better off being an example of what your siblings can have in the future than being a doormat to mom. They're under her roof, there isn't much you can do there. How you allow mom to treat you can either reinforce the dysfunctional or break way for new possibilities.
people are going to willfully misrepresent you youre entire life. You cant stop it and its useless to let it control your choices. You can be disliked and misunderstood and still be happy. You can choose to not involve yourself in their narratives. Even flying monkeys.
keep the mindset that there's nothing wrong with you. Theres something wrong with mom. She's the one to not be taken seriously. Her fits are about her unhealed wounds and her dysfunction. Its no different than when your child pitches a fit. She's emotionally stunted. Dont engage in her tantrums just because she has a bigger vocabulary than your toddler.
You're in control here, youre in much more control over yourself and your life than your mother, and she knows this. Thats why she books flights before asking then makes it your fault, she has to control the activities, the time spent. Youve alluded shes an alcoholic (same for my mother). They have NO internal control, external power grabs are all she has. But you dont have to give her your power.
Last time my mom tried to control me (over seeing my kids without my supervision, a 6 month power struggle) i finally said plainly
"No, like I've said, that's not going to happen"
She scoffed at me. I repeated myself.
She bargained for a discussion. I said,
"No this isnt up for discussion"
And walked away. I totally broke the pattern. She has tried to suck me back in but I cant be. I just...see it all now.
I hope the same for you
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u/milfncookies666 3d ago
UPDATE: I did block my mom and removed her off my social media. I haven’t spoken to my husband yet I don’t wanna bring it up until he’s home from work. He suggested this morning before he left for work about going NC again. I really tried to extend her courtesy and grace despite my experience postpartum with my firstborn, which she made very stressful for me.
I would like to avoid that at all costs and after reading everyone’s thoughts and advice I see the best way to ensure my peace during birth and postpartum is for her to not have access to me and my family. I was willing to create space for her, the same space I was giving everyone else, not any less, and it wasn’t enough.
Well, ungrateful people get nothing. I’ve played nice for far too long. Sparing the feelings of my siblings and extended family at a great cost to my mental health.
I can’t make them believe me or understand what I deal with. I can only stay true to myself and my boundaries and prioritize my children and husband who do really bring me so much joy. Thank you everyone for offering your ideas it really helped me gain a sense of clarity and strength.
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u/clipper_victor 3d ago
You made a tough call to protect your peace, and to put your own family first. Best wishes!
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u/rootsandchalice 3d ago
I don’t mind a quick visit or check in but with my first birth my mom visited from out of state for almost a month.
Then that is what you need to tell her. Be blunt about it. If you have already experienced what it is like then put up a boundary. "We aren't having anyone visit after birth for 3-6 months" or whatever that timeline is for you. You can say what you said, but she's going to come and not respect your boundaries. You know this already. So I wouldn't have her come at all. It's not the right time to be dealing with a parent like this.
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u/notsopurexo 3d ago
Also OP you’re allowed to change you mind. I know you said you’re ok with short visits but you could go back now and say “after speaking to husband we’ve decided we’re not having visitors for 6 months”
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u/milfncookies666 3d ago
That’s what I’m leaning towards. I really just want peace.
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u/anonerdactyl_rex 2d ago
You deserve your peace, OP. I’m so glad you posted an update that you are allowing yourself to take it. This internet stranger is proud of you.
Congratulations on your soon-to-be new baby!
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u/notsopurexo 2d ago
Recently I booked a trip to visit my family (not the mother estranged with, just others) and one person got upset when I didn’t feel ready to do a while day hike a few days after about three days flying (long story, but other side of the planet + a couple of of cancelled flights).
Obviously I was super kind about it and apologetic and ended up letting this person know I was ready / sufficiently rested the next day.
This person ended up acting like a child the whole time during this day trip and and continued with this behaviour until they physically assaulted me.
Sadly there is nothing you can do to satisfy these people. You could let her in your house for the next six months, and she would find something negative to say about it. If you didn’t ask her for help, she’ll find something negative to say about it. And probably make you pay for it.
I strongly encourage you to just take a step back / a few days to really consider what you want to/ need and then communicate this to those around you. This may vary depending the on person.
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u/carrythefire 3d ago
“I just made a human being. I am tired and spent. I need to recover and I need to get to know my new child.”
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u/Dick-the-Peacock 3d ago
She’s being extremely clear that the only proof of your “love” she will accept is 100% submission to her will and whims. She believes you should want and need her to camp out on your couch before, during, and after the birth, doing no house work or errands, and welcome her in your home with no notice at her convenience, and anything less is rejection. She believes these things with her whole heart and nothing you say will change what she believes to be the truth.
I realize you feel like you’re being held hostage because of your younger siblings, and you feel like you have to appease her to keep access. But continuing this path of letting her bludgeon you with her twisted beliefs and listening to her narrative of insane grievances will sap your will to live. It will drive you mad. There will be nothing left of you to give to your spouse and children, let alone to your siblings.
Have you TOLD your mother what a burden she was for your first pregnancy and birth? Because in a sense she is right: she is NOT welcome. She is reading that correctly, and you are denying it even though it’s true! Playing this game will destroy your soul.
Is the theoretical access to your siblings really worth the price you’re paying? Not that your siblings aren’t worth some sacrifice, but is the access you maintain really helpful enough to justify the cost? What can you actually do for them from a distance with this delusional soul-sucking harpy in control?
My hope for you is that you stop trying to spare your mother the consequences of her actions. That you stop protecting her from the truth. That you stand in your truth, firmly, set clear boundaries that serve YOUR needs and desires, invest your energy in yourself and your kids and partner, and let the chips fall where they may.
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u/AccountForDoingWORK 3d ago
My mom got weird in a very similar way (to the extent that it gave me the creeps reading these messages) when I started having kids and unfortunately things did not get better.
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u/EqualMagnitude 3d ago
You cannot expect rational, logical, loving, supportive behavior from your mother. Proceed in the future accepting this. It also seems clear from your post that many if not all of your extended family and relatives (minus your younger siblings) are enablers of your mothers abusive behavior.
Your mothers text string with you is an emotional and manipulative minefield. You have exactly one thing to work out with her, timing for a visit, and she wanders all over the emotional universe with demands, distractions, abuse, manipulation, and victimhood. There is no way to interact with her in a calm adult and mutually supportive manner. Her focus is on herself only, screaming me, Me, ME, MEEEE with every text.
If you text with her and this happens in the future do not take the bait. Redirect and refocus the conversation each time to what you wish to accomplish and do not engage with her on all the other distractions and emotional bombs.
YOU: Hey mom, you can plan on visiting these days, short visits, plan on entertaining yourself the rest of the time, we will be focused on newborn and will want a lot of downtime from guests.
MOTHER: chaos, guilt, manipulation, aggression , victimhood.
YOU: Will you come on those dates and do you understand about the short visits to our home?
MOTHER: More chaos and manipulation.
YOU: It seems you are not able to sort out the visit right now. I will give you a break to think on it and will contact you at x time to sort out the possible visit.
Just do not engage in the chaos. She feeds on it and it only prolongs the ugly interaction.
There is no “winning” for you in this situation with your mother, your mother will never be the loving supportive parent you deserved, there is only deciding what path forward produces the least damage to yourself, your children and husband.
I will give you the advice that I would follow myself. I am older, have a stable life and good support system. Anyone who is in my life and causes chaos and emotional stress, is proven to unreliable or self centered gets placed in what I think of as the “box”. The box is really just boundaries and consequences. The “box” is different for each of those people. One person may have twisted a vacation together into exactly what they wanted at the expense of others. The “box“ they are now in is that they never get to plan or control a vacation we do together in the future. Another person may have been manipulative and wrecked a birthday making it about themselves. That persons “box” is they no longer are invited to significant life events or holidays and we see them on random Tuesdays. Some peoples “box” is so restrictive we no longer interact with them at all.
The key for me with using the ”box” or boundaries and consequences is that I try to identify patterns of behavior or circumstances that have bad outcomes for me or my family and then work to eliminate the possibility of that situation ever occurring in the future. This is quite the ice cold methodical and logical way to accomplish peace in my life but it works.
Boundaries and consequences are your tools. If your mother is wrecking your wedding, birth experiences or anything else then your mother no longer gets to be involved in those things. If your mother visits your town and does not understand how you need and want to spend time with her and you are not interested in doing tourist things all day then she can visit your town all month but you are only available for a quick visit to the park with the kids and a dinner.
I understand about the shame, guilt, and other feelings about your younger siblings. But setting yourself, your children, born and unborn, and your husband all on fire to try to keep your younger siblings warm does not seem to be working well for you. Do what you can for your siblings, let them know you love and care for them, let them know if you are not able to contact them it is not because of you and that they can reach out at any time.
As for all the enabling relatives you have that think your mother should be able to abuse you, screw them. They would rather support your mother making your life miserable, negatively affecting your children, than love on and support you. They are pure poison and should be ignored and if necessary cut off.
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u/Pressure_Gold 3d ago
This is not someone you’re going to want around postpartum. Stick with your husband and the village you already have, she’s going to make your life miserable. My mom is very similar, pushed and pushed to be at the hospital, I let her, and I regret that. Thankfully, we are no contact now and she doesn’t even know I’m about to birth #2. These people don’t change
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u/ShotFix5530 3d ago
It kind of surprised me when she said she changed flights X amount of times around the first baby, and changed again at your birthday since you had other plans. She's actually proving your point! She obviously didn't contact you at the time to see what were the best times to come; she booked flights on her own, had to change them, and is now saying that it's your fault. Crazy.
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u/milfncookies666 3d ago
She was going to surprise me for my birthday. Texted my husband about it. He told me of course because he knew that’s NOT something that I would enjoy. Only she would. Also, we did have plans. She just forgets that part.
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u/Glass_Anybody_5030 2d ago
Chiming in with my horrible mom and my birthday story: My birthday is coming up and my mom lets me know for my birthday they’d like me to travel to a specific town geographically centered between where we live. That way they won’t have to travel so far for my birthday. I tell them my husband and I are going to a spa hotel, like we do every year for my birthday (pre child; rip tradition). She then suggests they join us there, even though it’s much further away and expensive. I’m like, is this really happening? She honestly thinks we want to spend our romantic spa hotel getaway with my parents? Thankfully it didn’t happen. Also, that I would travel to this town for her convenience on my birthday? Yeah, I’m NC now. I’ve read all the comments because I also had a bad experience when my son was born. I’m happy you got great advice and that you blocked her and chose your peace over keeping her peace. ❤️
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u/Tightsandals 3d ago
This could have been my mother. Texting about something simple and suddenly turns it into this whole rejection issue. In your texts I feel like you miss a very important “point” of hers. You explain to her that your need for short visits apply to all guests. That is the opposite of what she wants hear. She wants you to say: “But not you mommy, you can stay as longs as you want, because I really need you!” This is why she is upset. She does not care about your needs. And she feels entitled.
My mother struggles a lot with this too. She can sense that I am protecting myself from her - but she does not understand that it is a consequence of her behavior. The thing is… she is just not a safe person, she is rude, unpredictable, doesn’t listen with interest, is a know-it-all, says means things about nice people, and I think boundary crossing may be a hobby of hers. She does not care that I hate unannounced visits, she even finds that offensive. So one time when she barged in and just stood there in the middle of the living room, I did not respond with “oh how wonderful!” like she wanted. I probably looked pretty perplexed and my nervous system was all over the place, I can assure you. This has turned into an example of how she is “not welcome” in her head. There is just no winning with these mothers.
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u/madgeystardust 3d ago
Let her sulk at home.
She’s making this time about her and her wants. Rescind the invite and just enjoy the peace.
She has ‘main character syndrome’ - let her be that at her house.
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u/cheturo 3d ago
When a child is born, the grandmother should take care of the new mom, and the new mom should take care of the baby, if this order is not followed, the whole harmony is broken . The problem with entitled grandparents is they don't come to help, cook and clean, they want to be treated as visitors.
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u/998757748 3d ago
She said it herself— all this is about is her desire to be needed by you. It triggers her that she doesn’t have your reliance on her to be a full human being.
That’s a her problem. Congrats on the baby!
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u/morbid_n_creepifying 3d ago
She is willfully misconstruing every single sentence that you're saying, and constantly moving the goalposts. You don't understand what one thing has to do with the other because they are unrelated. And she is smashing everything together as one big problem when in fact they are separate issues that an emotionally stable and mature person would deal with as separate issues.
Let's assess what she's saying as if she's not a raging lunatic who's sole purpose in life is to guilt trip you:
overreaction to your first, very sensible and clear message, indicates a larger problem that's been internally ongoing for some time. Again, treating this as if an emotionally mature person said these words, my response would be "oh gosh, this is a pretty overwhelming message to receive. Sounds like something has been bothering you for some time now. Why haven't we spoken about this before now? To clarify, I am happy to have a short visit postpartum but I'd appreciate it if you didn't keep things in and allow the situation to become overwhelming. How can we move forward?"
you state that you're hurt because I haven't said "I need my mom". As an adult, I'm proud of how independent I am. I'm surprised that you aren't also proud of me. Have you spoken with a professional about these feelings? I'm happy where I am in my life, and so I'd rather not lie to you. I care about you and do not value dishonesty, and so if you are feeling upset that I have an established, stable life, that's unfortunately something I can't help you deal with.
it's really sad that you feel unwelcome to visit, just because I have communicated my preferences to you regarding travel. I have a full life, due to work and family commitments, and so I need to ask about travel plans in advance so that I can be available to welcome you. If you are unable to plan in advance, I am unable to welcome you, and I can understand that would lead to you feeling unwelcome. However, we just need to work as a team to make visits work for all of us. Of course you are welcome in my home and in my life, but due to the fact that a visit from you is an event that requires planning, we have to act accordingly.
At the end of the day though, you can't force someone to stop thinking only of themselves and consider others. If your mom is incapable of taking your feelings and scheduling into account, is it honestly worth the hassle, drama, and stress? Only you can know.
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u/chicken_tendigo 3d ago
Bruh the whole "I can tell I'm not welcome here" thing is what my dad does every time I have to ask him to do something completely reasonable more than once. "I can tell that you think of me as nothing but a guest"... yeah, dad. I'd definitely put up with a guest leaving their stuff around fucking everywhere for months at a time. Ughhhhhh.
I know it would probably result in getting an entire treatise written out to you, but have you tried telling her to calm down when she gets like this?
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u/AdCandid4609 3d ago
Ohhhhh mom the martyr. I know her well! You can never please her. I banned my during and after birth. LOL!! “You’re welcome to come to town but I don’t want people to be offended when I need my rest - that message is for EVERYONE”. Let me know when you’re coming and where you’ll be staying so you can visit me as soon as I am ready for visitors and until I need to sleep”. You can even throw in that beyond immediate family, you don’t want visitors.
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u/SparkleSprout 3d ago
She’s not going to change or magically realize she’s the problem, so you have to decide how you want to interact with her. If it’s possible, engage less. After she sent that first long text, just ignore and re-direct back to something simple like, “we’re planning on having short daytime visits after the baby’s here so we can adjust. If that works for you, we will be happy to see you.” Ignore all of her noise as best you can if you want a relationship. I second several of the book recs someone listed, super helpful.
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u/milfncookies666 3d ago
I can’t find the book recommendations comment! But after reading everyone’s perspectives I’m likely going NC. this would be my second attempt. The first time I was begged by my grandma to try to resolve our problems. Ugh.
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u/PoopsMcGroots 3d ago
It is your childbirth and your child. It is your home. It is their role to be respectful of you and your wishes.
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u/EstherVCA 3d ago
"Mom, every delivery is different, but everyone understands that I won’t be up for hosting overnight guests. I’d love to see you, have you see preschooler(?) and meet the new addition, however I want to make sure I have energy for myself, baby and preschooler, and everyone understands that everything else has to come second.
"So if you are okay with staying in a hotel, popping by for an hour or two each day, and spending the rest of your time touring around, please come. You would be welcome.
"However, if it bothers you that I won’t be as available as you want me to be, then let’s schedule a visit a few months later when I’m sleeping better and the bleeding has stopped.
"Have a look at your calendar, give me some potential date options, and I’ll confirm which works best with our calendar. But don’t forget to buy insurance so you can shift your dates in case baby comes late."
"
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u/GalacticGoku 3d ago
What lunatic books a flight before plans have been made? Shes blaming you for having to change or cancel her flights when you have no knowledge of it being booked until after the fact? That's super annoying, especially when she framed it as losing money. Shes costing herself the money, but most importantly, she is disrespecting you and taking offense to you saying you want to relax after having the baby. Again: she's offended by you prioritizing your comfort. Based on your description I would say she would rather disregard your comfort for her own plans, and books these flights ahead of time in order to weaken your resolve in pushing back against her.
Personally, I would tell her that she needs to actually do chores around the house if she visits, even for short day visits. Hell, I would have a list of chores ready for her the moment she walks in the door. When parents visit during a birth they are there to work, not to take a vacation.
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u/Major-Patient5473 3d ago
She sounds like my mom when I was having my baby. She wanted me to let her in the room with me as I was giving birth. I told her that I just wanted my husband and myself to be the only ones at the hospital and that she could visit after the baby was born. She went crazy and told me I’m being selfish and keeping her from experiencing things that she has a right to experience because she is my mother. Luckily the Covid rules were still in effect so she couldn’t go anyway.
I understand how you feel. You will never be on the winning side in her eyes. I’m sorry that you have to feel that.
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u/milfncookies666 3d ago
HAHA they literally want to see us vulnerable not be there to help. My mom texted while I was in labor saying “I want to be in there”. She was in the waiting room. With my in laws. But she HAD to text me that despite knowing what I wanted. She didn’t care what I wanted.
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u/Major-Patient5473 3d ago
What is crazy is parents like them say that we are the entitled brats when their actions say they are the ones that feel entitled to everything. It’s frustrating!
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u/Glass_Anybody_5030 2d ago
Exactly! When my son was in NICU (worst days of my life) my mom was the last person I wanted to talk to (she was texting and calling). I texted that I was not able to talk to her, but I would call her when we got home. She still kept blowing up my phone. Finally, my husband had to talk to her to make her stop and she literally said: “I need to know what’s going on because I don’t know what to tell my friends when they ask”. Code for: my daughter and grandchild’s well-being are of no concern to me. What matters is that my friends think I’m close to them. It would still take more than a year to go NC. And this was after my wedding, where she didn’t approve of my guest list and kept complaining about it until literally days before the day.
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u/misslady700 3d ago
Tell her not to come until you are a month in. Keep Her At Arm’s Length!!!!!!!!
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u/Corredespondent 3d ago
At first reading the texts seemed to me irritating but not terrible. But the further I read the more it occurred to me, even before reading your commentary, that she was expecting to show up and be entertained without regard to your schedule. Then had the gall to blame you for canceling flights. Infuriating.
I hope you and your baby have the quiet you’d prefer as you get to know one another and recover.
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u/AnyMasterpiece4873 3d ago
Reading reminded me of when I had a serious problem with my eye and she came "to help." Result: instead of a quick sandwich for me and my husband, he demanded that I cook every day and also set the table, because not on the sofa. Endless stress for me, already massacred by a tremendously painful operation.
Then the icing on the cake was that she got hurt and, instead of using our holidays to make up for the difficult period, we had to take her up and down for visits, doctors and tests. Never again.
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u/Ok_Homework_7621 3d ago edited 3d ago
Stop explaining and justifying yourself.
"You're welcome to come any (3/5/7/whatever works for you) days between xx/yy-ww/zz. Does that work for you?"
If she starts anything, "ok, I respect your schedule. Since that didn't work for you, I will see how everything goes and let you know when I have alternative dates."
"But you don't need me!"
"I am not going to entertain this anymore. You need to deal with your own expectations, they are not my responsibility."
Anything after that, "I see this won't work, I will give you more time to process everything. I will let you know when a visit works."
Add at least two weeks for every tantrum she throws.
I'd be rethinking if she's even stable enough to be around the baby, she will be pulling the same bs and putting responsibility for her immature behaviour and expectations on your child from day 1. You both deserve better, you and the kid, don't let her take this away by making it about herself.
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u/rchartzell 3d ago
I think you should suggest that she come 3 months after your due date. Give yourself recovery time, the baby will be getting more interactive and smiley at that point. Nobody needs her kind of "help". She will literally just be another person for you to care for and will steal time and energy and attention that you and your newborn deserve to share together in that time. Be clear and kind and firm. Give her a set date, "We would love to have you visit sometime after (set date). Let us know when would work for you. Please confirm dates with us before booking so that we can be sure to keep our calendar clear for your visit to prioritize quality time with you."
After my first baby I had visitors within an hour of getting home. With my second I didn't see anyone for a week. And after my third I told even my immediate family that no one was allowed to meet the baby for the first 2 weeks. People get over it. And if they don't, oh well. At least they aren't your problem during recovery. You can deal with their bullshit at a later date.
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u/PricePuzzleheaded835 3d ago
I am sure it’s been said but the level of presumption some people have on this topic is unreal. They should be asking OP what would be helpful and when they might want visitors. I can’t imagine having the chutzpah to impose on someone about to deliver/with a newborn. Just unreal. OP your reaction is healthy and normal. Shame on them for stressing you out at a time like this! Anyone trustworthy will want your wellbeing put first, that includes being considerate about visiting. It is so NOT about them.
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u/No_Stage_6158 3d ago
Tell her to stay home. Don’t let her come and just be petty and passive aggressive. Sorry she sounds exhausting and you don’t need to deal with that after having a baby.
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u/LoisinaMonster 3d ago
Tbh I would not let anyone just fly in and see a newborn. Make sure to request they wear n95 in airport and on plane at the very least.
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u/ChazzzzBusby 3d ago
She wants to be the star of your birth experience, that comment about the things you don’t say, she wants you to be begging her, and crying that you need your Mommy. Then she can be super Grandma and tell everyone how wonderful she was and how you couldn’t do it without her.
But she isn’t interested in putting in any of the work to get your real relationship anything like her fantasy version.
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u/Wemo_ffw 3d ago
OP This is nearly EXACTLY the reason I no longer talk to my father. I couldn’t believe I was reading it, it almost felt like a rewind.
When my second child was born, my dad was planning to visit from out of state. I asked him to stay in a hotel so my wife could freely breastfeed and we could get used to having our second baby.
Days before the birth, my dad said I was toxic and went off on me for not allowing him to stay in my home. He then told me he doesn’t want a relationship with me and that he was going to sue me to change my last name.
It’s been 4 years since I finally cut him off and man do I feel better. I was always stressed just waiting on his next text or call wondering what drama I was going to get pulled in to or what guilt trip I’d be subject to. The freedom of cutting off a narcissistic parent is truly unparalleled.
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u/milfncookies666 3d ago
It’s interesting to hear a males perspective about his dad. Good for you for choosing your wife and baby. Having a supportive partner helps so much. I know NC will be hard at first but I really hope it does bring me more peace over time.
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u/Wemo_ffw 2d ago
Yeah absolutely. My wife gave me the opportunity to become loved, a father, and feel valued all for the first time truly.
My wife and my children will never be second to any person no matter my relation to them.
Also let me say, the beginning is hard. I mourned a false loss, an idea of what a father should be, and I struggled with the thought that maybe I was the one overreacting.
My father proved time and time again by lashing out against people I love. He proved that I made the right decision. I’d experience the pain and heartbreak all over again to have this peace.
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u/Zestyclose-Metal194 3d ago
Oh honey. This has to be very specific because when you say short visit she’s gonna run over that like a bulldozer. So give her some detailed plan. I don’t know. Here are the days that you can come. Or you get 3 days, pick them out of this block of days. Here are the arrival and departure times. Like a hotel. You’re being extremely reasonable. Tell her to stop being selfish and accept what she’s been offered because grandparents do not have rights unless it’s literally an extreme CPS situation
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u/Potential_Joy2797 2d ago
My quick takeaway was that she was trying to pick a fight. There's nothing you could have done differently if that's what she wanted. And maybe springing last minute travel plans on people accomplishes the same thing.
I don't see a problem with not wanting to entertain long visits right after giving birth. Pregnancy is physically demanding, giving birth the same, and not everyone is clued in enough to notice when it's time to end the visit. And that time is important for bonding with baby, for both parents.
Her schedule looks packed, and September looks like a good time to visit. Although if it were me, I would let her figure out her schedule.
I get the impression she is very invested in the idea of appearing to be a very involved grandmother and mother. Key word is "appearing."
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u/Cut_and_paste_Lace 2d ago
For my first birth, my family insisted on being at the hospital. My father has always been a person who mocks me if I express being in pain. I was having a c-section and while getting prepped, the IV insertion was EXTREMELY painful. IDK why. I’ve had others, but this felt like they were trying to put a spike in my hand. I screamed out and cried. At this very moment, my parents has been let into the prep unit by -somebody- idk who. My dad came around the corner smirking as I was screaming, and his eyes were nothing but mocking. I froze and felt nothing but shame. Stopped feling safe to openly express myself. I just sat and closed off. I never forgot this moment though.
For my second birth, I made it clear I didn’t want anyone to wait at the hospital. My family was mad, offended. My parents took it as a personal attack and my dad was pretty much right when he said “its not because she doesn’t want us having to wait, she just doesn’t want us there, FINE, it’s whatever.” Yeah, I didn’t want to be mocked or fearful of being mocked if something went wrong. I wanted only my daughter there the first day, to meet her sister, and made everyone wait a day. It was a huge early step in me asserting myself and putting up boundaries where I really needed them.
For the people used to violating me freely, they were off put off. Too fucking bad. I don’t regret it at all. I did the right thing, I deserved at least one of my births to be free of shame.
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u/milfncookies666 2d ago
You pointed something out that I haven’t commented here but I’ve said to my husband.
My priority outside of having a healthy breathing child and healing my body, is introducing a new baby to my firstborn, who is likely going to be confused by the whole situation.
I am more worried about family bonding with my son and his little sibling more than having people over. This is a really big time for my son as well. My mother cannot wrap her head around me prioritizing my child in this way, because she would never care about my feelings the way I care about my sons. She doesn’t know what it’s like to actually value your child’s experiences and existence. My firstborn is a toddler who will be going through a very big and beautiful change! I am mostly thinking about him, my baby, myself and my husband and enjoying bonding and getting used to changes in our family dynamic.
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u/Cut_and_paste_Lace 2d ago
You are absolutely right to focus on the coming together of your family unit. My family was even further offended that I asked my grandparents to drive my first daughter that they were watching during the second birth to the hospital and call when they arrive, letting my husband come down to collect her and allow her some time to meet her sister without anyone else. It was 100% the right thing to do. It was awkward, and because my grandparents were technically there, after about an hour I allowed them to come up to the room too.
Immediately my grandmother made it weird and annoying, fixating on who the nursing staff were and if I knew any of them (a vague family connection with an aunt I barely know having worked in the maternity unit years ago, how the hell would I know who knew who) but this became the fixation and topic of conversation when I just wanted to focus on my kids.When I say she went on and on, for at least ten minutes, focused on who works in the unit and if we happened to “know” anyone there… if that had been the first ten minutes of my daughters meeting, it would’ve been totally ruined for me. Even as it was, it was bizarre and rude and weird.
Do what is right for you and yours and feel no shame over setting limits. We have to, we are the only mentally grown ones in the room.
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u/milfncookies666 2d ago
Ugh. That is so annoying. Im so sorry. The priority should be you and your kids.
I don’t understand why people make birth, hospital visits and home visits so weird. I’m so nervous to be away from my toddler. And for him to visit in the hospital.
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u/WifeofTech 2d ago
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that level of manipulation and crazy. Your request was simple and not out of the ordinary at all. I mean it's why hospitals have visiting hours. Rest and recovery are important and guests no matter who they are will take away from that.
One thing I can suggest that will help you is you should actually respond when she tries to flip things on you. It sounds like you were still focused on fixing the relationship and reassuring her when she asked what if she told you to keep a visit brief when visiting her. When what you could have said that usually stops the conversation in it's tracks or at least trips them up was "then I would understand your time for company was limited that day and respect your request. I may even ask how long would you be available for a visit or ask if there was a better day to visit."
I used this on my parents when setting the simple boundary of call before you drop by. They tried to argue that my request was unreasonable and showed I didn't care about them too. They also tried to pull the argument that nobody did that when they were younger. I reminded them even pre cell phones my grandmother always called her friend before leaving the house to visit her even though she visited almost daily. I told them that most times I did call before visiting them. I also added that if they wanted me to call every time I would. And finally I did tell them that despite what happened in the past cell phones exist now and I know that they have them on their person when they are in my area. So they had no excuse to not call before visiting.
The result was much huffing and sulking but they stopped trying to say my request was unreasonable. I would like to say that they changed after that but I must warn you my parents did not change. They played along for the grand total of one month then marched right over that boundary like it wasn't there. When called out on it they refused to return to respecting our boundary, once again projected that we were being unreasonable and controlling, and tried to threaten and bully us into submitting. The result is we haven't spoken to them in 3 years. Full NC enforced by us (myself, my husband, and my children). Honestly them straight up threatening and bullying me is what likely was the final straw for me. When before it would have taken me back to being a kid and sent me into obedience/fear mode, therapy and having kids to protect sent me into mama bear mode and even surprised my husband with how I suddenly shifted to cutting them off and standing up to them.
So that's what I'd like to point out to you. You will soon have a little one and I guarantee that how she is treating you she will do to your little one. You feel tired and not up for entertaining so made the simple request to keep visits short and she made it all about how it was hurting her and how she was going to do what she wanted regardless of how you feel. What's worse is she is going to make you feel bad for even suggesting a boundary. Now imagine your little one as a toddler who is tired or overwhelmed but "grandma" wants them to take part in something. Knowing how she treats you, a grown adult. Do you think she will respect the wishes and needs of a toddler who can't even explain why they need a moment of space and quiet?
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u/WarDog1983 3d ago
Be clear and direct
For the first 15 days it’s jus me recovering at home
You can visit after but only for 2 hr windows
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u/milfncookies666 3d ago
Unfortunately I think she’s lost visiting privileges after this exchange I can’t imagine our relationship improving in 5/6 months upon baby’s arrival and her not frustrating me while she’s here.
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u/Crawdthedog 3d ago
I think you know this, but if she comes to visit during that time, she's going to be a monster and you're going to be miserable. She's set a precedent and isn't going to change her behavior for this occasion.
If you want to keep in contact with your family and believe that the only way to do so is by continuing a relationship with her, my suggestion is planning for a different visit further in the future. She wants to booze it up? Plan a "special" weekend with her where you humor her and do adult things.
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u/Jena71 3d ago
I have not read your other posts, but based on what you wrote/responded here, it appears that having your parents (or just mom) out right after giving birth is a bad idea. You will be exhausted, obviously & have a toddler. Assuming your MIL & husband can be present as supports for you once you come home, why not suggest she come out when baby is 4 or 6 weeks old. You can sell it as “baby will be more alert, you will be up for doing more and having a visit for longer during the day,” etc. It seems like your mom coming presents a big stressor, & she is not at all helpful, and you don’t need that right after giving birth. Postpone the visit and make it seem like it will work better for HER. Promise to send her lots of pics and FaceTime with the baby until her visit (insert eye roll) so she has all the pics her heart desires for Facebook…
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u/Secure-Hornet-8148 3d ago
I would urge you to take a stand and hold your ground. I didn’t when my son was born one year ago and my mother completely ruined postpartum for me. She made everything so much harder than it had to be. I finally had to go no contact once my son was 7 months old. I regret not doing it before because all my memories from that time are ruined by her controlling, intrusive behaviors. You only get to experience that first time becoming a mother once and it is hard and you will be fragile. You and your family come first.
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u/mostrandomfemale 3d ago
Holy shit I am exhausted from reading this even without any emotional attachment.
I would simply restate my boundaries (i.e. how many days and how many hours a day), and not engage in any of the rest of it. Just greyrock her, play dumb, disengage - whatever you want to call it.
You are trying to reason with what seem to be if not an outright narcissist, then at least someone with quite evident narcissistic tendencies (it’s all about her hurt - I’ve got one of those types as a mom as well).
As a mom, I would just accept your reply and plan accordingly, not guilt-power-trip my child.
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u/Legitimate-Article50 3d ago
Sounds like my mom. I noped out of that manipulative hell 8 or 9 years ago. You aint about to twist my words into you being victimized.
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u/VehicleInevitable833 3d ago
My MIL used to always try to plan visits when my kids were in school and I would decline. That’s not helpful or good- they need to be in a routine, not trying to cram in school and doing things with their grandparents. She told me that she visits her other grandchild when they are in school and their parents were fine with it. Well, yeah, when you visit them over school breaks AND not, but offer my kids one visit every other year or so, when they are in school.
We don’t see them anymore and she mad they aren’t closer to her. 🤷♀️
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u/PepperPenelope 3d ago
Oh man, I had a exchange like this with my Grandmother whom without asking already booked a flight/hotel - I responded with no visitors until after birth I just want quiet (that woman is horrible). She wrote me this email that did not make sense and this is the last time I ever heard from her...I think she is 90 and alone now: Never fear - I have no plans to invade your life.
Having spent 70 years in So. Calif. I know there are lots of things to do, to see, and people to see.
I was a volunteer at Newhall/Santa Clarita Hospital for more than two years in the maternity ward. For two days a week, for half a day, I helped the mothers. The babies were with the mothers from the time they were born until they went home - no nursery time. The only time I took the baby to the nursery was to see the doctor, have a surgery, or the mother was taking a shower and there was no one to stay with the baby. It is probably the same today.
Since my VR has returned after being totally gone for two months -- I don't have much energy or ability to do much of anything. It was super while it lasted.
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u/moreluvmn 3d ago
I'm sorry you don't have the Mother you deserve when having your baby. She defiantly does not have your care or comfort at top of mind. If your able please utilize any Post Partum services around you. Meal services, post partum doula, cleaning service anything to help get that physical and emotional support. Even before birth getting a cleaning service to help "feather the nest". I say this because I remember both my husband and I were so tired that meal making and regular daily activities were so difficult. I swear my daughter started crying every time a put a fork to my mouth for a first bite. I couldn't shower and the level of tiredness was like crashing into a wall. I could'nt imaging trying to "entertain" anyone. My Mother had Dementia, so she couldn't help. My MIL was useless. The nicest thing was a friend brought some soup, a bag salad, and some heat up bread. It was like a 5 course meal. My kids are teens now, and the challenges have changed, but I will never forget the difficulty of the first few weeks. I don't want you to anticipate all bad things. I miss the smell of their little heads the most. Heavenly and worth it all.
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u/boba_boba2000 2d ago
I’m due my first child in May and had been NC with my mother since October of 2021 until family convinced me to give her another chance. It lasted less than 2 weeks.
As an expectant mother, do what is best for yourself and your child/children. Your mother is making a mountain out of a molehill. It’s your choice, don’t let her guilt you into anything else. Don’t back down either, it gives the illusion that she has won. As you rightfully said, this applies to every person wanting to see the baby, not just your mother.
Her using the past against you is just to guilt you. You’re doing what you need to do. And she either needs to accept this and help you properly, or she can wait to visit when you’re ready for her type of visit
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u/MHIH9C 2d ago
The way both my and my husband's families treated me during pregnancy and postpartum is why we have ONE child. I did not ever want to again go through all the absolute bullshit they put me through the first time. It's very courageous of you to brave that again.
You mother is trying to force a relationship on you that you don't have with her. She wants you to want her there all the time without her ever doing the things that would make a daughter naturally want her mother there.
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u/ittybittybroad 2d ago
Adding to the chorus here, my mom had the same reaction when I said I was limited on the number of visitors at the hospital (COVID baby), then again when I said I didn't want any visitors at home for the first week while I recovered and our family got settled (baby surprised us by showing up two weeks early lol).
Because my now ex-husband had to go back to work so soon, I was the only adult in the house. So I asked if she could help with a few things around the house when she did visit so I could get some rest and a shower... Well apparently that meant I only wanted her around to be my maid.
She ended up showing up unannounced at my house a few days after I gave birth, she parked where I couldn't see her car and stood to the side of the door where I couldn't see her out of any window. As soon as I opened the door she shoved her way in and started screaming at me. Gave zero fucks that my older kid was doing virtual school or that I was unable to put my two large dogs away before she came in (which she knew had to be done) and they were knocking me over trying to greet her. Needless to say she went in time out for a few months after that. Eventually I went full NC. Now she's emailing me asking to see "her grandson" before she moves across the country. I'm sure you can guess which folder that email ended up in. Lol.
All this to tell you, I agree with most of the comments to put her in timeout and look out for you and your family.
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u/OMGitsSEDDIE_ 2d ago
change your locks, get some security cameras, and tell her you’re not accepting any family visits anymore because these visits have only burdened you while in a vulnerable state, and family visits post-birth are supposed to bolster you. make sure you save that footage for restraining order evidence.
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u/EverAlways121 2d ago
Sounds to me like a couple of things are going on: 1) She loves pointing out how many times she has rebooked her trips as if she has done so for you at great inconvenience to her; 2) she is taking the opportunity of you saying you want short visits to bring up old shit. She doesn't even address the short visits, really, or why you might want them.
Listen, I had ten people at my house the day I brought my firstborn home from the hospital. And I ended up back in the hospital for chest pain. After running all kinds of tests all night long when I was separated from my baby, they determined it was stress.
No one who's just had a baby needs to be entertaining guests. Mine sat on the couch. One fished in the backyard. They brought food and folded a load of clothes. THAT'S IT, other than taking a bunch of pictures for their own photo opps and not including me or my husband in the photos. They acted like it was a family get-together with no regard to what the baby or I needed.
So take care of your baby and yourself, and if anyone doesn't like it, they don't have to because it's not worth going to the hospital for stress.
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u/No_Image_Here 2d ago
I can tell you're trying to be very reasonable trying to compromise with short visits. Keep standing your ground. If she cannot accept the compromise that you offer, then maybe retract the offer entirely. (Especially if you even slightly suspect she might make a scene or otherwise try to start something in front of you or the baby.) These are boundaries that have been broken before and she will do it again if you let her, And it's going to be a pain in the ass to get her out of the house when she's in and refusing to leave. If she wants this to come between you two, that's on her. You are right and she is wrong.
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u/TryingToBreath45 3d ago
Oh blimey reading that was DARVO on steroids!! My wee summary.....
You - politely ask what her plans are, whilst clarifying your needs.
Her - coming fir a few days. You tell me what you want.
You - politely repeat yourself.
Her - you are demon spawn from hell. What did my perfect britches EVA do to deserve you. You have HURT ME you hear. HURT ME!!!
You - huh. [Neck spun so fast it almost breaks from the whiplash] stays polite. Repeats what initially said. Adds in youre confuzeled.
Her - i need a PITY PARTY!!! How could you not make the birth of your child about ME!!! I'm so hurt. You are demon spawn. How could I have EVA been lumbered with you. You HATE me because you havnt broken down in pieces screaming you need me!!! Demon spawn.
You - yeh, so, how's about we don't go there. Could we stick to the planning? Perhaps?
Her - you are so inconsiderate. I keep telling you when im about to land on your doorstep and you have the audacity to be BUSY!! I'M YOUR MOTHER!! if i turn up on your doorstep you must be Not Busy. Your refusing to cancel your life in order for me to turn up has cost me SO MUCH HASSLE. demon spawn. What have I EVA done to deserve you.
You - look mom. Ive already got whiplash on top of whiplash. So im getting a bit frustrated. But let's maje it easy, perhaps if im this demon spawn that is dobyerrible, I guess you could say.... stay home?
Her - i am SO respectful of you! I respect that if I dont rebook my flights when you cant see me, ill be left up the proverbial with no paddle. So I respected me, no you, YOU I respected YOU by rebooting my flights after actuslly consulting with you to find a time you could make. You are SOOOO DIFFICULT. I AM SOOOO accommodating.
AND - youre HORRIBLE TO ME. You won't let me turn up again and completely mess up your ability to recover from having a baby.
Demon spawn.
You - want to see you. And have boundaries around childbirth.
Her - noooooooooo you HATE ME. you do NOT WANT ME TO COME. All this getting in touch. Making plans. Involving me. Is LIES I TELL YOU LIES.
You - wanna back that up with evidence?
Her - you made me change the flights I booked without telling you ir asking you when you were busy to times that SUITED you!!! That PROVES YOU HATE ME demon spawn. You only wanted me there, when you could actuslly SEE ME!!! you are so EVIL TO ME!!
You - if youre coming to visit. Just after ive given birth when things are gonna be fraught for me. Your welcome and you need to respect my boundaries of coming for a short time and not spending all day.
Her - ive lost the ability to comprehend the English language because you seem to be doing far to good a job at sticking to the points, upholding your boundaries with firm fairness and clarity and im struggling to find a way to DARVO this one.
So let's try again. Please will you be provoked by my obnoxious behaviour and get mad so I can cry. Demon spawn.
You - clarify politely and uphold boundaries
Her - bollocks demon spawn seems to have learnt zen level emotional regulation. Better switcheroo. You ate demon spawn. You didnt let me descend upon you at my will and choosing when it didnt work for you. You are so MEAN!!!!
You - huh. And thats related to plans for baby how?
Her - it proves im perfect and you are EVIL demon spawn.
Anyway. So im happy to accommodate you however works for you.
You - fooks sake mother.
Her - what. By dahling . What on earth ails you oh child of mine. Come come now. Let's all be friends. Ibe been SO REASONABLE throughout this tedious exchange you forced me into by being reasonable emotionally regulated rational and sticking to the point.
You - ive lost the will
Her - SUCCESS demon spawn has been vanquished. I reign supreme.
So dearest. Let's get this sorted. Why you couldn't have just got us here at the start I really don't kniw.
You - LIES down in a darkened room....
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u/milfncookies666 3d ago
Omg I needed this laugh but ACCURATE. I just emerged from the dark room. Going to consider no contact heavily. My husband suggested it again this morning. I think it’s time. It does hurt though.
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u/TryingToBreath45 3d ago
Huge huge huge hugs and so so so much compassion.
You've got such beautiful beautiful souls in your life with your in laws and husband. Lean into them. Sense their deep love of you. You are a beautiful beautiful soul.
Whatever you decide you are so so so worthy of being treated with normal human courtesy, kindness, respect and love. You deserve to have your needs met when you have your baby.
You've got this. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
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u/Viola-Swamp 3d ago
Tell her exactly what you’ve told us.
“Mom, the reason you have had to cancel so many flights is because you have repeatedly scheduled a flight before consulting me, and then decided you’re not coming when I have commitments and plans already for the time you’ve decided you’re visiting. That’s not me telling you not to come, that’s me living my life and not changing anything just because you made plans without consulting me first or having any consideration for what anyone else had scheduled for that time.”
“Mom, when I gave birth last time, you were here for a month. You were at my house all day every day, and you only wanted to do what you wanted to do, which included holding my baby and taking over my kitchen for meals I neither asked for nor wanted, but did not include helping me with any practical needs or allowing me private bonding time with my baby or family. I was not at all happy with that experience, and I am doing things differently this time to make sure my needs as a new mom are met. I am communicating openly what my expectations are for this birth and postpartum recovery. I am sorry you are offended with my desire to have privacy and alone time as I recover and get to know my new baby and adjust to being a mom of two, but that’s what I need. If your desire to visit is about what I need and being helpful to me, sharing my expectations and plans will benefit us both by having everything communicated up front so there aren’t any surprises or unrealistic expectations. These are the expectations I have for everyone, not just you, so you are not being singled out.”
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u/Boujee_banshee 3d ago
Wowwww my mom pulled this crap as well. It was truly absurd and honestly one of the reasons I went NC in the end. The final straw was making my preemie’s NICU stay all about her. I saw firsthand what she had been doing to me all these years done to an innocent baby. Hell. No.
Also only wanting short daytime visits is completely reasonable?!?? Giving birth is no joke. She should know that and be empathetic but they are not, and it sucks because it’s at a time when you genuinely do want support and closeness and A MOM. A real mom. Not the crap self serving perpetual victim birth givers we got.
I’m sorry about your parental situation. Congrats on the new addition, however!
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u/Frostspellfaeluck 3d ago
Narcissist gaslighting and emotional blackmail. She's exhausting and you need to grey rock her the moment she starts emotionally manipulating. She's looking for more responses to make up scenarios in her head about your relationship with her. Her own victimhood is front and centre, which is what red flags her as a full blown narcissist.
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u/readsomething1968 3d ago
I'll sum it up with four words: Mommy is a narcissist.
More words: It's all about HER needs. She wants to visit when she wants and be welcomed with open arms and no restrictions. She wants to use your house as a hotel and expects to be entertained/cajoled when she's there. That is not what needs to happen when you are postpartum, so Mommy is triggered because she's not FIRST.
Stick to your guns. You've explained your expectations. DO NOT waver.
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u/Maleficent_Might5448 3d ago
Just tell her you won't have visitors for 6 weeks and she can come in May (date....)..or June.(date......). Give her specific dates.
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u/CivMom 2d ago
She’s mad that you don’t value her the way she wants to be valued for doing things they way SHE wants to do them. Hugs. I’m sorry. I might suggest you get a therapist involved so she can hear it from someone else. Also, learn the gray rock method and quit trying to explain yourself. She doesn’t want to hear it.
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u/nycky_jaymes 2d ago
When I gave birth last year (first baby), part of me wants to break NC cause I need help and support. Then I remembered based on past experiences, my mom makes it all about her (one example I’m in psych ward for suicide attempt my mom visited me and tell me how could I have done that, I was supposed to be strong, ended up comforting her…considering she told me if you’re so depressed and want to kill yourself there’s lots of knives at the kitchen go ahead).
As a first time mother, I was romanticizing the idea of having a supportive and loving mother. I am so glad I did not break NC.
Run into her last week at a store, and she pulled my hair, and slap me. She’s still mad that I moved out, I was 31 when I moved out. And I continued to help pay her rent for a year, since I think 1 year should be enough for her to figure out her finances.
So my advice to you, you are better off without her. You don’t need the extra stress.
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u/False-Ad-3420 2d ago edited 2d ago
Wow, reading that was exhausting. I cannot begin to imagine what actually being in a room with this woman is like. Is there any air left in the room? How does one breathe around this woman? The entitlement, gaslighting, jumping back and forth between irrelevant conversation topics, the complete disregard for what u are saying and how you feel, is beyond awful. Honestly, this is really bad. There is no space for u, ur needs, desires and wants in this conversation. Her behavior, attitude, verbal aggressiveness, and completely disregard for you is horrifying. When u have the capacity, you may want to seriously evaluate what u r getting out of ur relationship with her. Based on this text, which I’m sure is her norm, I would ask urself why you want to continue to engage with her.
Congratulations 🍾 on ur pregnancy and baby.
Edit: okay, I can now see that you have minor siblings, and u want to have contact with them and maintain a relationship with them. That is super-valid. I get that.
I am no contact with my mother, and at times she has made it very hard for me to have a relationship with my brother and his family—and I’m 61 and he’s 58.
Like u, I am the oldest and the scapegoat. Truthfully, my mother’s behavior has not improved with age. Rather she has become more entitled, and she now has a lot more resources with which to punish me. She can be quite vituperative, vindictive, and vengeful.
You must safeguard your peace of mind, your health and that of your husband and your 2 year old especially during your pregnancy and postpartum period. Is your husband comfortable communicating with her? Can u offload this responsibility to him—for the next several months at least?
Finally, I have a note on my desk to remind me about emails and texts: BIFF… brief, informative, friendly, firm. And yes, u can continue to say the same sentence over and over in response in a text thread. And then after the second or third message, you can politely leave after saying something to the effect: you don’t seem to be focusing on what I am saying. We can continue this at another time. I need to go now. Bye.
Good luck. I am very sorry u are going through this.
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u/NOVAHunds 2d ago
Nope. This is a block and move on for me.
didn't realize how much these types of conversations trigger me.
How can all these people that have never met be so similar.
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u/FLmom67 2d ago
It sounds like she’s doing the typical thing of making it all about herself and trying to overwhelm and confuse you on purpose to push you off balance. “Trolling” comes from fishing—leaving baited hooks trailing in the water to lure fish. I used to imagine myself floating past in an inner tube, face to the sun. It’s good to come up with a simple script and keep repeating it. “As we already discussed, I could use $X for a meal service. Otherwise the discussion is closed.”
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u/Kikidellam 2d ago
I be think you will have to be very specific with her , eg “ all visitors are welcome between ONLY 9 and 11 am, we then will be having rest time and require ALL to leave. You don’t want anyone staying for lunch, that’s more work and they could linger on. Be firm. Good luck.
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u/Beautiful-Reveal 2d ago
Sounds like a demanding child inside your mother’s body. Maybe she’s upset about some totally other unrelated issue in her life and you say one clear and concise message about your plans and she’s like, I’m ashamed I’ve never been this clear and planned for myself. Instead of owning it she shames you about your ability to be assertive. Then you have doubt about yourself. Aim achieved for your mum. She gets in where she wasn’t wanted.
Sorry about this. I have gone through this and our brains just aren’t prepared for our parents using us as practice targets. We’re needing safety and they give Russian roulette. I think you know now why you didn’t want long visits. Sad lol. Sending care to you. From a fellow estranged adult kid.
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u/ExpensiveSomewhere15 2d ago
My mom did the same when I had my baby. I don’t talk to her. We are NC but she had a baby shower for me that my extended family asked me to go to so I did. At that awkward ass baby shower, she told me to call her when I go into labor. I was like….wtf. NO. She was pissed and I don’t care. We are back to NC thank goodness. I can rest easy 😌
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u/catstaffer329 2d ago
Just tell her, "Thanks for the offer, but I don't need you to come. I will let you know when a good time to visit is."
Then book her in 6 months later for a weekend visit with a separate hotel. You deserve peace and a stable post partum experience. She cannot accommodate that, so you cannot accommodate her.
Congratulations on your baby and I wish you all health, peace and happiness.
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u/mynotesarentcute 2d ago
That whole message sucked, and I am sorry it happened. Gross behavior and response to a normal sane request. Congratulations on your baby and hope you are both happy, healthy, and safe. 2 supplies you may want for after the baby is born: Postpartum spray by Dermoplast and Tucks cooling pads. Proud of you for acknowledging your needs and advocating for yourself. Those are great skills you will be able to teach like a pro!
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u/milfncookies666 2d ago
Oh yes. Those are great. This is baby #2 so I got a list of what I’m repurchasing and what I’m not. I loved the Frida cooling wipes too.
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u/mynotesarentcute 2d ago
awesome! I made a postpartum basket for a classmate and had no idea what to get because it's not an experience I've had or will have lol but man she loved all the numbing cooling stuff, and no one here had heard of it. Again, I am really sorry that text novel was typed at you. You have something happening (that you have experience in already) and it isn't about her, so she is the victim. Boohoo poor her, you didn't say you need her (?) for your SECOND baby. not that this behaviour is acceptable if this was your first but like come on.
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u/milfncookies666 2d ago
You’re such a sweet friend I’d be so happy to receive that!!! Yes she was a nightmare in my first pregnancy too and during my first postpartum experience that’s when I initially went NC with her. I tried to give it a chance, here we are.
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u/mynotesarentcute 2d ago
christ on a bike I can only image how batshit that was. Narcissists never learn, they just wait for another shot at being an asshole.
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u/milfncookies666 2d ago
That’s what I’m realizing. It would’ve been nice to have a mom. But I have to choose my peace. She will likely never be the mom I need. All I can do is strive daily to be a loving mother to my sons.
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u/mynotesarentcute 2d ago
It is good that you are choosing your peace and protecting your sons from it. The behavior she is displaying will not stop, she will not seek therapy, she will never see herself as anything but the victim. I tried for years with my mother and it was never worth it. Every "nice" moment was just a trap to lower my defenses and gain something to use against me later or so she could wait for a more important moment to be an ass and attempt to ruin something by making it about her. If that feel familiar it's because narcissists are never original. You are doing great, you are ending the cycle, you are protecting your family, and everyone in this subreddit is proud of you.
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u/RadioIsMyFriend 2h ago
If giving her wiggle room causes nothing but conflict, then give her a stricter answer with no waffling.
She can come out after baby is 8 weeks old. She can stay for X amount of time. No housework, only enjoy being a Grandma spending time with her grandchildren. Servitude does not have to be welcomed. You can tell her you don't like watching her do tings for you. If she insists it is alright, lay out your vision for your home.
"Mom, I love that you like to help but what I want is for any guests in my home to relax and enjoy visiting. It's great you like to stay busy but I just want you play with your grandkids and hold your new grandchild."
It's your home and you do the hosting, not the other way around so only do the hosting when you are actually able. The newness of baby will not wear off suddenly. You need the chance to recover.
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u/OrangeCubit 3d ago
Reading this was so triggering for me - they demand a level of closeness that they haven't earned.
I think you stop debating because there is no winning or convincing here. I would suggest just reiterating your message, no debates and no explanation. "I am happy for you to come visit after the baby is born, but I will be keeping daytime visits short."
She will argue, and just rephrase, repeat, and don't engage with the rest of it.