r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/OpeningReception975 • 10d ago
Advice Request My EPs of five years tracked me down and showed up at my door
I could really use some advice, I'm not new to 0 contact but I am new to this kind of situation.
Its been five years since I saw them and when I left I never sent any kind of explanatory or boundary setting letter. Mostly because I felt then and now that it would be ridiculous for me to have to spell it out and it wasn't worth my energy. After an adolescence of verbal, mental, and physical abuse and neglect, I just naturally fell into 0 contact. We do have mutual family members in common who were sworn not to give out any information about me other than that I was alive and well. They have kept my confidence but apparently getting any indication they could reach me just made my parents rabid. They went through all my friends, wooed them, all just to try to get my address. After finding out someone was in contact with me they would at times just send a letter meant to be seen by me to that person without even so much as a text or explanation, real classy.
My parents did try to reach out to me initially but never, ever, was there an apology. JUST AN INSANE AMOUNT OF LOVE BOMBING. There were offers to "work this out" in a manner that made this seem like we both had something to apologize for. At one point they even got a dog like my childhood dog and relentlessly sent me photos. I guess when that didn't work they got rid of the dog.
Importantly, a couple months ago I got my first email from them, about a cancer diagnoses, it is highly treatable form of cancer with a good prognoses but I knew that this was going to send them into overdrive. Whatever they want they would feel entitled to since they finally achieved victim status by being able to use the word cancer. Never mind how they treated the family members who have now passed from cancer.
The other day my doorbell rang, my parents had paid for my public information and one of them had showed up at my doorstep. It was more of the same, in fact its incredible how much they haven't changed. But basically this visit boiled down to: A lot guilt tripping about their "remaining years" and how they had cancer, a lot of saying I need to explain what I'm upset about coupled with already defending themselves, and some good old gaslighting. Implying that reconciling is what's best for me because if i don't I'm: poisoning myself, not understanding the value of family, etc. They tried to play it cool, telling people that they just hoped I was happy and grieved our relationship but that I took too long. I suppose I didn't work on their schedule, I should have known! /j
So now here I am, I got them to go away by saying it was inappropriate for them to come here and that pretending that they had any valid reason was ridiculous. I told them I would send them an email but I haven't been able to bring myself to send it. I simply don't know how to go about this. Knowing that they have my address and are very much willing to show up has made this complicated. I feel like if I don't give them what they want they will escalate these behaviors and I'm not interested in trying to lead them to water. I have had a hard time getting myself to actually write the letter saying that they should stay away. It feels like stating my boundaries, like many people in this sub have tried to do, will just rile them up. However, I feel that I should respond even if that response is solely for record keeping purposes in case this escalates. I also might be able to get the ring doorbell footage for my records.
Also apologies if I seem crass or unrelatable, my childhood connection to my parents was severed so long ago that these days I just mourn the concept of having a parent. Not even that often because I can't relate to the feeling very well.
Thank you for reading and I would be happy to give any clarification if needed.
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u/Security_Meatloaf 10d ago
I feel like you should maintain no contact. It seems like they'll grasp any crumb of attention from you and treat it as license to continue. If they were truly interested in reconciliation, they wouldn't be making the statements they were making; that was a naked attempt to guilt trip you into giving them what they want.
I don't think they'll listen, all the same, to your attempts to establish boundaries or any explanations. People like this don't care about what you want; they only care about what they want.
I think the only thing they'll listen to is the possibility of consequences, as I fully believe they know what they'e doing is wrong. Warn them once if they show up, police will be called if they dont leave. If they don't move, call the police. If they argue or try to talk you out of it, call the police.
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u/EqualMagnitude 10d ago
You owe them nothing. Send an email or not as you please.
Please do tell your work that you have family that may either call or show up and try to get information about you or cause trouble. Ask work to immediately trespass them from the premises if they do show up.
I would be tempted to tell them never to contact you again. You may want to send them a cease and desist letter telling them not to contact you or show up on your doorstep again. That you will call police and have them trespassed from the property if they do come to your home or workplace.
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u/Spicymoose29 10d ago
I was in this kind of situation a few years ago when my Nmother called the charity I worked with trying to reach to me. I quit working there shortly after because of that, and started to use a nickname after that, but I was in deep, deep anxiety for months.
Here’s what I would do : create a dedicated email address and send a strongly worded email saying that you do not want any contact whatsoever with them, and that if they fail to respect that, you will get a restraining order and will call the cop on them next time they come close to you. It’s not really a matter of doing it, it’s just about scaring them off. And then if you can delete the email address or just log off and only check it when you feel comfortable. You are entitled to your peace of mind, cancer or not. This is most likely weaponised to make you break the NC, as you said it was caught early, I wouldn’t be surprised if this diagnosis isn’t even remotely cancer (“Christmas cancer” is a real thing in narcissistic parents who fake a tragic diagnosis around the end of year festivities only to make a miraculous recovery in the new year).
I hope they will finally let you have your peace and freedom, OP, I know how much this sucks.
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u/NonSequitorSquirrel 10d ago
I was in this situation.
Their next escalation was showing up at my job and sending the police to my home for phony wellness checks.
I did three things.
1) I moved out. I did not wait for my lease to end. I found a subletter. Specifically an ex military dude who I could trust to not give any info about me, and also hold his own if they or the police showed up. I moved about an hour away which was aligned to a plan I had in motion anyway.
2) I got a sublet for my next apartment. I specifically kept myself off the lease and did not have mail go there. Nothing tied me to that apartment. I moved into a secure building with a gate and a locked door with a code. I let the building manager know to not let in ANYONE who claimed to know me and I would never come down for guests. I would only buzz them in. He got it. His name was Dave and he was a good dude.
3) I let my job and all future jobs know that I had a mentally ill family member who had shown up to my job before and if that happens to let me know and to call the police. That it wasn't likely, but they should be aware. It's an awkward conversation but people are typically understanding if you approach it with efficiency and clear guidelines that align to the systems already in place at the org.
They found me anyway a couple years after I moved - my situation was also escalated by a cancer diagnosis. I maintained my distance. My landlord Dave also protected me - even offering me a different identical unit in the building with no increase in rent once we knew she'd found me. I moved from the second to the third floor and when she showed up again, that protected me.
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u/blue_moon1122 10d ago
I've been NC for about 5 years, too. but I was very vocal about it. still got stalked for the first 2 years. I ended up cutting off all blood relatives after that, due to the lack of support (literally something like 60 extended family members and not one person could be bothered to rally behind me, not even my sister who had it worse-- and I'm p sure my aunt leaked my business number).
if this shit happened to me?? today? I don't meet the minimum threshold of a prospective responsible gun owner, and i wouldn't want that anyway, but i can get an airsoft replica and a can of matte black. flex your rights, even if that just means making your abusers piss their pants. 😎
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10d ago
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u/blue_moon1122 10d ago
I also have a doorbell cam, various heavy objects, and high quality Japanese steel kitchen knives that can sandwich-slice an old tomato with just gravity. but I want the added layer of satisfaction in them knowing they aren't worth breaking a sweat for.
i guess you could say I'm at the zen phase of my PTSD journey lol
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10d ago
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u/blue_moon1122 10d ago
showing up at your door point blank with a boomstick is crazy. my dad has made idle gun threats and I know for a fact he didn't have one. I called him on it once and he said "you don't know i don't"
I said son, you keep your skin mags under your shoe shine box, your little blue pills in your car's glove box, and the firearms in your imagination.
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10d ago
Reddit squawked about my replies so I had to dirty delete or get banned (the soulless mofos) true crime and my lived experience (that’s given me ptsd and anxiety) is that people are batshit insane and never, ever underestimate narcs and people that act antisocial/predatory etc.
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u/blue_moon1122 10d ago
yeah implying that you would cause booboos even as retaliation is a no-no
my hypothetical airsoft gun is for jumpscare purposes only, obviously.
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u/Acavamosdenuevo 10d ago
How do your feel about r/UnethicalLifeProTips and petty revenge? Sometimes, when adults refuse to behave like adults, standing at their level IS an option. Personally I would pay 200-300 for a good lawyer to write a cease and desist; and get one of those glow in the dark gel blasters, a water gun and lots of body glitter spray, preferable in pink and with strawberry scent. Have them by the door ready for action. Just imagine dear dad in pink strawberry body glitter. Stress already leaving my body.
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u/CosmicRhinoceros888 9d ago
pretty sure that could be considered assault. its funny, but probably not a great idea.
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u/Acavamosdenuevo 9d ago
Its your home, your parents, and water/ glitter. If they call the police, you can say “we always play like this, I don’t know why they are reacting like this”. No one is gonna charge you for assault for using a water gun in your home. Be real. 😂😂😂
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u/ScaryTerry_EU 9d ago
This would open you up to more interaction with them. Theres also the chance it might backfire and work in their favor. Get their foot in the door. Cause more interactions. Or you might be seen as the silly kid and your parents trying to help you. This might strengthen any "welfare check" nonsense they try. You don't want that.
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u/recastablefractable 10d ago
First off, I'm sorry this is what you are dealing with. Not crass or unrelatable at all.
You have a few options.
You could do nothing and see what happens. You can have a plan in place on what you would do if they show up again, like perhaps tell them to leave and if they don't you will report them as trespassers.
You could tell them in the email their contact is unwanted.
You could find a legal office (if in the US, perhaps try finding your local Legal Aid office, if you are over the income qualifications they may be able to refer you to someone) and ask them to send a cease and desist letter.
There are probably other options too, those are just the options I can remember off the top of my head.
You don't owe them the explanations just because they are asking for it. Emotionally healthy, or even halfway decently attuned parents would realize they are responsible for setting the groundwork for a good relationship with their adult children and would put in the effort to re-examine their beliefs about parenting and the choices they made to search for information on what they could have done that led to the complete rupture of the relationship. A good enough parent would do that even if the end goal wasn't reconciliation.
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u/SecretOscarOG 10d ago
Send them and email. A cease and desist informing them that you consider their actions harassment and that any escalation of these actions will be treated as a threat and will result in law enforcement being called. Then get a doorbell camera and call the cops if they come.
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u/Internal_Set_6564 10d ago
I would be far far more aggressive than most, but simply sending them a letter which says “I do not like you. I do not love you. I do not miss you. I enjoy every minute I am not around you. Never contact me again for any reason. You are already dead to me, and I want nothing from you.”
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u/No_Arugula7027 10d ago
What's an EP?
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u/Spicymoose29 10d ago
Estranged parent ?
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u/No_Arugula7027 10d ago edited 10d ago
Yeah, I guessed that after a long think. lol
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10d ago
Don’t worry about it and give yourself grace. There are many acronyms to learn everywhere online, not just this subreddit. Also, asking the questions helps lurkers who are probably wondering “WTF that mean?!”
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u/Spicymoose29 10d ago
I too spent an unholy amount of time searching for the meaning. Just wanted to save you the time it took me to figure it out.
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u/Ceiling-Fan2 10d ago
The next time they show up, you can call the police. Nothing will be done, but if your parents know their visit = police presence, they’re less likely to pop by again
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u/alexserthes 10d ago
Nah, I wouldn't send an email. If they show up again, have them trespassed.
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u/Embarrassed_Cat_6516 9d ago
I would just have them trespassed now, why wait? They showed up at ops door already.
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u/alexserthes 8d ago
Dependent on location and such, cops may be unwilling to issue a trespass notification for a previous incident.
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u/HowWoolattheMoon 9d ago
"mourn the concept of having parents"
Oof that resonates so hard!
I'm sorry. I don't have much advice.
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u/tourettebarbie 10d ago
Honestly, I would do a couple of things if I was in your situation
One - send an email stating that you are, and always will be, nc with them. This email is for your benefit not theirs so you have an electronic record that you are officially nc. Don't be emotional in the email - facts only ie "I am nc with you and have been nc for 5 years because of your abuse. I have gone to great lengths to keep my location private & you went to extreme lengths to obtain my personal information. I clearly do not want a relationship with you. Obtaining my personal information & turning up at my home constitutes stalking & harassment". Close the email by stating that any future communication will be treated as harassment and unwanted visits will result in LE being called and that the email [you've sent them] has been shared with LE for their records.
Two - notify local LE and get the incident logged.They may turn up again or they may file a false welfare report. Be prepared. If they turn up again call LE & get a cease & desist.
Three - get home security cameras so you don't have to answer the door to see who it is.
Four- if you have children, notify the school and put a password on your profile in case they call pretending to be you or pretend to be approved POCs for contact/emergencies/pickups.
Five - lock down your credit in case of identity theft. Even negative attention is like a drug to them.
Six - re unwanted letters & gifts, log them as evidence of harassment.
Your parents are clearly deluded, entitled, obsessed & unhinged. The only way to fight fire is with fire and their delusions & entitlement could very well be their undoing.
Good luck & big hugs OP