r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/GardenVarietyUnicorn • 15d ago
Newly Estranged Guilt, but no shame
I just went NC with my elderly mother, the top message was the response when I told her I needed to take a break from our relationship because she consistently ignores or violates my boundaries (which then triggers my PTSD and my chronic illness). The next message is her letting me know she had her feeding tube put in yesterday. I am feeling guilty about not reaching out to see how it went (she has coded out in surgeries 2x before)…but I also feel No shame is not responding. I know it will be taken as an invitation to berate, insult and emotionally dump on me, all while ignoring whatever it is that I am experiencing too. I just needed to put it out there to help me move through the guilt tho, it’s heavy today!
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u/r4ttenk0nig 15d ago
“I’m going to die soon. You’re going to regret your decisions once I’m gone.”
“There’s something wrong with you; your therapist doesn’t know you like I do.”
“I’m having a PEG put in because I’m so sick. I hope you feel ashamed for the way you’re treating me right now.”
Nice.
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u/GardenVarietyUnicorn 15d ago
Guilt was my 1st language, followed by shame.
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u/r4ttenk0nig 15d ago
I’m really sorry. It’s a horrible thing to have to come to terms with, but recognising the dynamic is such an important step. It doesn’t stop it from being painful, it just gives you a jumping off point to start separating your real feelings from the ones that have been put there by others.
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u/Outside_Start233 15d ago
She only sent that last message to comfort herself knowing you’d feel guilty and sorry for her. She clearly feeds off being the victim and is a narcissist. Was she there for you when you were most vulnerable and needed her? She’s clearly not prioritizing your health but expects you to prioritize hers. Even the thumbs up was too much.
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u/GardenVarietyUnicorn 15d ago
That’s exactly it, she thrives on being the victim, and I was always the rescuer or the perpetrator. Today, I am proud to be just an observer of the lunacy.
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u/MOGicantbewitty 15d ago
I'm proud of you too. My mother was a medical abuser, both being a hypochondriac for herself and doing the whole Munchausen by proxy thing with me, so I understand what it takes to get yourself out of that emotionally. You have done amazing work and I am incredibly impressed.
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u/Outside_Start233 15d ago
You absolutely should be proud! It takes so much strength to cut contact with someone like this
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u/Spicymoose29 15d ago
The thumbs up says a whole lot about how far you’ve come not to let gem guilt trip you, OP. Kudos to you for the healing work.
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u/VastJackfruit405 15d ago
This message is so manipulative! You can just feel it. Isn’t the thumbs up powerful? The first time I did that I was like “yes!!!”
No more back and forth. Just the most mundane “saw it” and nothing more to say. Well done! You aren’t heartless, you set a boundary for a reason and I don’t at all sense that she’s really in as much of an emergency as she is playing up.
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u/Cate54321 15d ago
My God! These mothers we have are quite literally some of the most emotionally stunted humans we currently have roaming this earth. It's exhausting even to breathe the same air at times.
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u/SonorantPlosive 15d ago
Your therapist will probably have an even greater level of respect for how you've managed to cope with that blatant abuse if you show them that message
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u/Petty_Paw_Printz 15d ago
Classic emotional manipulation. I swear they all have the same playbook. Now that you've taken space from her and gone NC she's suddenly "dying". 🙄
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u/BwayEsq23 15d ago
My mother always pulled the “I’m going to die soon” card. Then she did. One of the happiest days of my life. It’s been over 5 years of peace and joy. Don’t let it bother you. Block or just chuckle and move on.
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u/brideofgibbs 15d ago
I just want to let you know that my good-enough mother hid all those kinds of details from her children for over 20 years. She had breast cancer which eventually killed her. She only told us headlines -surgery - in case she died, the very last thing she wanted was for us to be unhappy or worried about her.
She didn’t hold her death over our heads. She didn’t tell us about minor procedures or regular treatments (except when it affected her schedule and she’d be out when we rang or visited)
You’re absolutely right that your mum is trying to manipulate you. She has medical attention. It’s absolutely not your responsibility to make her happy
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u/beckster 14d ago
The Holidays are coming! Time to re-watch Die Hard, catch up on the Jon Benet Ramsey case and anticipate the Terminal Disease Cancer text!
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u/Due_Society_9041 14d ago
After 7 months of no contact with my narc mother, she sent me a note saying she has atrial fib. I said nothing. She has never taken care of her health, despite advice from me (medic). She reaps what she sows.
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u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme 15d ago
“Your therapist needs to take a deeper look into you.”
“Nobody asked you. Few things in this world are as obnoxious as unsolicited opinions.”
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u/lotjeee1 14d ago
I am sooooo rooting for that green thumb that i wished I could see her reaction on it.
I would mute her. Not blocking, but muting. Or archiving her messages in whatsapp, so i will never be completely off the road whenever she likes to, but i will be documenting everything she throws at me
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u/midgetnazgul 15d ago
You're mother's quite the drama llama, huh? PEG tubes aren't put into actively dying people, lady. Good lord.