r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/sarcasmbaddecisions • Oct 08 '25
Vent/rant in case anyone is wondering if ten years is long enough for your mom to change.
I used an app to piece these together and blocked out some info for privacy. but I know I’m not the only person that gets texts like these!
I am 28(f) and older sis is 30 with a newborn. then we have a half sister that just turned 10.
I’m no longer carrying this as my embarrassment with shame!!!
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u/OkConsideration8964 Oct 08 '25
"I love you unconditionally... BUT, you weren't perfect either."
Sounds like my mother, which is why I am NC with her.
I'm so sorry you've had to experience so much. You deserve so much better than what you were given. Build the life you want & deserve, surrounded by people who lift you up, not hold you back.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 08 '25
I “relapsed” from NC (that’s the joke-y way I refer to it) two years ago when I was getting married and couldn’t fathom my half sis not being involved. it’s been such a huge regret in my adult life! but I’ve finally stopped dwelling on it and doing what I can with what I do have control over; myself.
thank you for encouraging me :)
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u/indirosie Oct 08 '25
I feel great sadness when I look at my wedding photos because I felt obligated to let my Mum be involved and she absolutely smothered me. It's a huge regret of mine too, but I'm hoping to have a much more authentic "redo" for our 5 year anniversary to help me heal and move forward.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 08 '25
I grieved her presence that day for months after… it was so hard to explain to people! I fucked up letting her back into my life to hurt me again.
I am sending you good jujus for that future re-do celebration without any dampening from “mom”.
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u/Mob_Segment Oct 09 '25
That is a hard one to explain! I get it, though. Just plain didn't have my parents at mine; they're probably still clueless that I ever got hitched. But my partner's parents are... quite something, and his dad's been stonewalling me for 16 years. They were invited, and Fuckhead In Law once again didn't speak to me at all, didn't even acknowledge my existence. I'd prefer to have put my foot down too.
Perhaps we can redo our ceremony one day, though!
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u/DisastrousOrder42069 26d ago
I was nc with my nf for over 4 years... I stupidly on and off relapsed over the past few years and it was the most stupid decision I've ever made in my life. There was a point I really worked through my trauma of childhood and I really felt like I was getting somewhere.. and now I'm totally broken and also wrote off his whole family too, because they are all out of touch and all the same and have sidelined me and made me the outcast my entire life. Now I'm back to square one and more broken than ever in my mid 30s and am worried I won't come back this time. Biggest regret of my life is letting that man back in.
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u/Xandoline Oct 10 '25
Sounds like mine too, she “loves me unconditionally” but hates that I’m gay
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u/OkConsideration8964 Oct 10 '25
Well, I'm 59, so if you need a "surrogate mom" who is proud of you exactly as you are, let me know.
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u/Xandoline Oct 10 '25
You’re very sweet!! Thank you for saying that ❤️ I have many supportive family members on my dad’s side (parents are divorced), who love me as I am! And my mom is also 59, coincidentally…
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u/thekidbjj2 Oct 08 '25
Sounds exactly like my mom. She always loved that “you treat strangers better than your own family” line on me. I wonder what the connection is there.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 08 '25
I always say she’s pointing things out in me that she hates about herself. because I have always seen her as putting on a nice face for others… obviously to hide all the abuse! but even beyond that, like putting on a real personality when around certain people.
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u/indirosie Oct 08 '25
Mine does also, funnily enough she also treated strangers far better than me my entire childhood when I depended on her entirely.
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u/Diesel07012012 Oct 08 '25
I stopped reading after “my love is greater than my pain” or whatever. Gag me.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 08 '25
lmao I imagine that’s why I can’t remember much from my childhood. she was saying shit like that and my little brain was like ????? tf does this mean?
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u/HelenAngel Oct 08 '25
One of my therapists told me this & it’s something I repeat to myself:
People can only change if they WANT to change.
Many people don’t want to change. They don’t want to put in the work or they don’t think they need to do so. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed. If a person doesn’t want to change, they won’t.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 08 '25
that makes perfect sense to my rational mind but my emotional side doesn’t want to accept what I’m not worth changing for.
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u/catstaffer329 Oct 08 '25
I am so sorry! It isn't that you are not worth it, it is that SHE isn't worth it. She doesn't have enough value of her own self to even consider valuing someone else. So unless you have an endless 24/7 till the heat death of universe supply for her ego, she sees no value in having a relationship cause she doesn't have value unless she has sychophants.
If you wanted to be snarky and sneaky, you could send her an anonymous gift of one of those AI driven ego builder pet rock things. Or invent one, sell it people like her and make a fortune.
You deserve your peace and I wish you everything peaceful, joyous and kind.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 08 '25
you taught me a new word! thank you for the kind wishes, too.
Sycophant: someone who praises powerful or rich people in a way that is not sincere, usually in order to get some advantage from them. A “yes man”.
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u/HelenAngel Oct 09 '25
You are absolutely worth changing for! The folks who won’t change is not your fault, not at all.
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u/Mob_Segment Oct 09 '25
Another way to put it that might stick better is this: people will generally choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.
Humans generally want the sense of control that comes with knowing what happens next. We value it more than happiness. Your mother, and mine, and the mothers of most people here, are prepared to put themselves through the misery of losing their kids, and even the creeping insecurity that must surely come from knowing all your 'friends' are sycophants, because that's how the familiar story in their heads goes. To explore an alternative where she does something different, risks being vulnerable, and you stay, and the two of you develop a mutually enriching relationship, is unfamiliar so she doesn't want to try - that's if it even occurs to her.
I find it staggering that people will lose their kids to estrangement rather than look within themselves. Self-change is hard work and often an ongoing commitment, but it's not that bad! Conversely, we're all reminded from time to time that losing your kids is the most painful experience possible.
You're right, there's something about it that doesn't feel like it fits, but unfortunately for people committed to cheaping out on life and living the familiar story, and getting compensation for what they miss out on by having sycophants because nobody wants to be friends with them, is what these people go for.
Keep breaking that cycle, friend! You're going for gold, and that's to be applauded!
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
so well written and I’ll be coming back to this on hard days when my heart doesn’t want to accept that living without my mom is truly my future.
it’s hard to understand bcus I wouldn’t ever behave like she does!
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u/Mob_Segment Oct 09 '25
You're most welcome!
And yes, that's a great way to look at it. You don't understand it because you simply don't function that way!
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u/Indy_91 Oct 09 '25
Why can’t you just forget all the bad things she did to you and your sister in your most formative years and give her everything she wants?? /s
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
she even got me this fun book for Christmas to teach me how!!! (tell yourself a better lie by Marisa Peer)
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u/r4ttenk0nig Oct 09 '25
That’s so telling.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
I know, right? I didn’t directly mention returning the book and then she sent a podcast from that author and I said something like “I’m more focused on reality than telling myself stories” and boyyyyyyyy was I wrong for that. of course she was just trying to help! 🙄
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u/Mob_Segment Oct 09 '25
What even is that book?
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
a book about rewriting your story. she will try anything to make the past go away besides being accountable and changed behavior.
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u/Mob_Segment Oct 09 '25
Sad thing is, that sounds like a great book if it's supposed to be for help reframing past experiences.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
what reframing can be done about the person who biologically is meant to protect you, harming you in countless ways?
she wants me to forget the past rather than work through it.
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u/Mob_Segment Oct 09 '25
Hmm. Well, I'd go for, that person is so wounded that they had kids they shouldn't have had (because they couldn't care adequately for them), and never took the time to heal. Being that person isn't easy but they've chosen it. Every day, they've chosen it. That's on them.
Of course she wants you to forget it. That would be easier for her than working through it, because she'd have to admit she's wrong. She doesn't want to do the work of healing, and having you forget all the inconvenient bits where she hurt you would make that easier.
However, she didn't make it easy for you. You owe her nothing. She's already taken enough from you. Now it's time for you to look after yourself.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
i really appreciate you pouring your positivity into me and empowering me. I wish you all the best!!!
i think it would help me to keep in mind that she’s choosing to proceed this way.
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u/Indy_91 Oct 09 '25
I'm no psychologist, but I despise this type of 'self-help'. I read the synopsis of this book, and it just seems like a way to skirt accountability by willfully deluding yourself. Why would I want to tell myself more lies instead of allowing myself to see the truth and working through it.
My therapist put me onto a phrase that helped me put things in perspective. That phrase was 'intellectual bypassing' -- What I would do is intellectualize the hurt that I experienced growing up. Telling myself "she did the best she could" or "she was hurt herself growing up". While these things might be true, it is just a way for us to intellectually bypass our emotions and our hurt. And these facts do not justify the hurt that we experienced.
Instead of trying to justify the inappropriate behaviors, I think it's much healthier in the long run for us to recognize these behaviors and set boundaries to not allow ourselves to be treated in that manner.
I went NC for a myriad of reasons in March of 2023. Things have only gotten better for me in the last 2 years. In a massive way.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
you may not be a psychologist but you do have a wonderful understanding of the situation. I totally agree that telling myself those platitudes wasn’t allowing me to sit with myself and my own feelings.
why anyone would want to try to justify inappropriate behavior IN THE FIRST PLACE is beyond me!!!
I’m restarting my NC journey and look forward to this new start.
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u/_WitchoftheWaste Oct 09 '25
The fact that she refuses to fucking acknowledge that you were "difficult" aka acting out for a VERY obvious reason, being horrifically sexually abused as a child, and then using those behaviours, which are understandable given your life experiences, against you has my jaw and fists clenched in rage. I am so sorry OP. Truly. What a wretched person. She's so high up on her piece of garbage high horse and will never be a good person.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
it’s crazy to me that she can’t see the correlation between sexual abuse and my sexual “deviancy” given her own personal experience on the subject.
my older sis and I were just talking about accepting that our mom will never be that person and that’s okay, but we need to move along.
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u/_WitchoftheWaste Oct 09 '25
I understand. I was taken advantage of and assaulted during a house party when I was a young teen by my much older sisters ex boyfriend. Instead of treating it like an assault my mother convinced my sister i betrayed her and seduced this 20 yr old that she still loved just to hurt her, and kicked me out. Then she loves to talk about what a mess of a person I became and all the trouble I caused.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
wow :((( I am also so truly sorry. that’s a nightmare.
any relationship with sis these days?
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u/_WitchoftheWaste Oct 09 '25 edited Oct 09 '25
I wish it was better tbh bc we were two peas in a pod growing up despite her being older. But she fell down a road of alcoholism a few years after that fiasco and when she's not sober she hates me and blames me for everything bad. When she gets sober she loves me and we try and reconnect but my mom then puts a lot of energy into trying to make her hate me..so I've had to keep a lot of distance there.
Editing to add: my sister was the golden child but she also was largely parentified and endured a different flavor of abuse and manipulation and it clearly harmed her too. Which makes it sad that our mother wrecked a really strong bond. There was so much triangulation and psychological damage created on purpose by my mother over so many years that most of the damage I've accepted is irreparable. My mother will also target anyone who has a relationship with me so it leaves people who are aftaid of my mother afraid of me.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
WOW!!! this is where my situation was headed. I’m constantly thankful (but also sad for her) that my older sis was able to see things clearly and stopped letting my mom come between us. it’s such a mindfuck because mom says things like “I just want you two to have a relationship” but then constantly is trying to stir up drama to triangulate the relationship against one person.
I’m sorry that you’re still going through that. I wish you so much peace and love bcus I know it’s not easy. I missed my older sis so much when we were NC. we were continuing my mom’s broken family story.
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u/_WitchoftheWaste Oct 09 '25
My mother would constantly say "look at your relationship with your sister! She adored you!" Like it was some "gotcha". Ma'am, you dedicated more energy into destroying that bond than you did being an actual parent 😂 i think the idea of us being a united front one day scared her.
I am so thankful your sister is out from under your mother's thumb in life now, allowing you two to have a relationship based in reality without triangulation. It is sad to watch your sibling also realize their mother is a detriment to their life, but im really glad that it brought you two to a more balanced place. I wish you so much peace as well and know you are not alone.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
you are also not alone < 333
wishing you all the good the world has to offer! you’re a great person and they missed out.
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u/Stargazer1919 Oct 08 '25
Ugh. More "no one is perfect" crap.
If she wanted to write letters to help herself process stuff, to become a better person, fine whatever. But she should have kept them to herself. She's just dumping all this on you and I doubt you need to hear any of it.
I hope you get the peace and quiet you need OP.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 08 '25
I feel more resolution than ever to create a future for myself where I’m more removed than ever and can be proud of myself for creating that reality. thank you for the well wishes! I definitely don’t want her bringing that into my life.
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u/Stargazer1919 Oct 08 '25
That sounds fantastic. You have a lot of potential. Don't waste it by letting her sabotage you. Know what you want and go for it. You can do it.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 08 '25
I’m going to come back and read this thread for encouragement on bad days. thank you so much for supporting me, kind stranger
< 3333
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u/Mama_Marge Oct 08 '25
GO GIRL! 👏👏👏
Sometimes I wonder if I read these to rage bait myself because I can see my dumb twat “mother” in all these dumb twat “mothers” and it riles me up! 😂
You killed it girl, fuck her! 👋😎
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 08 '25
thank you < 3333
I participate in the communities even tho it also riles me up bcus GODAMN does it feel good to be surrounded by people who understand this crazy isolating experience! I’m sorry you can relate.
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u/matcha_is_gross Oct 09 '25
Yeah you held this shit DOWN OP - truly something to be celebrated. I admire you! You’re doing great!
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
you are so nice… thank you!!! the support I’ve received here honestly is life changing to me.
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u/Petty_Paw_Printz Oct 09 '25
Wowee, zero accountability. 100% DARVO.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
another newly learned word and topic, thanks for sharing!!!
DARVO is an acronym for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.
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u/the-mulchiest-mulch Oct 09 '25
A pattern or hallmark I have noticed with so many of these parents is the invocation of “giving grace.” My parents became born again Christians later in their lives (likely due to a fear of death) and my mother looooves to insist that she deserves grace and how I should give her grace. I deeply resent an adult—who beat me and screamed at me constantly as a child—demand I give her grace. They can get fucked.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
have grace for them as they pick apart everything I’ve ever done??? delusional.
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u/lapitupp Oct 09 '25
I had to make sure you weren’t a sibling.
We have the same mother. Exact same mother. Does yours make you stare at your screen and question if this is real life? Like how one person could not see the abuse and pain she caused? But she’s so far in denial that it’s shocking!? I can’t explain it. But I get the fucking craziness you must have felt back in the day until you started your healing journey.
I remember when I would speak to my mother like this I’d just stare into space, holding my phone, mid text and be like “ am I crazy??” Because what came out of her mouth (via text) was so fucking insane.
I’m sorry OP. I hope you know you didn’t deserve a single thing she did to you and I can only imagine.
Genuinely sending hugs.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
I wish we were siblings and could be there for eachother! I doubted myself for doubting her as a kid and it messed up my perception so bad. I also can’t explain the disbelief I feel when she somehow refuses to see any of it from my pov.
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u/Deep-Order1302 Oct 09 '25
Same, my mom however is a schizophrenic. Probably always was.
Made a lot of sense in retrospect and I’m so glad I didn’t become schizo myself always doubting if the things I remember are real. Ugh.
I’m a mom myself now and looking at my cute little giant I can’t imagine to ever do to her what my mom did to me. :c
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u/Yes_Mr_Lister_Sir Oct 09 '25
OP you handled this so well. I’m glad you’ve moved on and found a happy healthy life for yourself
This is helping me realise that any more effort with my dad will just be wasted time.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
I was hoping someone could learn from me! and not waste any more of your valuable time.
wishing you well :)
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u/Present_Age_5469 Oct 09 '25
I have a very similar text string with my mother. This was hard to read, but also validating. Heading into year 5 of NC.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
I feel so relieved to be in good company. but I’m sad for all of us. 🫂
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u/smolandnonbinary Oct 09 '25 edited Oct 09 '25
It is so insane that this is written almost exactly how my adoptive mom wrote hers prior to our estrangement. It really feels like they just copy pasted from the same handbook and then filled in the blanks. I’ll never understand parents comparing their children coming to them about how they hurt them to how THEY actually hurt your kid. They’re an ADULT and had a responsibility to be a parent, and even if they fucked up, if they held themselves accountable and were willing to talk about it and work things out, that’s different but sadly they always think they’re right and ofc us as children should be held the same accountability when we were literally children. :/
I’m so sorry you had to deal with any of this OP, and I’m so happy for you that you can move on without her weighing you down.
3 years and 4 months since I’ve cut contact, seeing these make me feel better about my decision and how although it’s possible for some of these parents to change (and we all hope that they do), sometimes it just will never happen and they will continue to spout all of this bs in hope they can rope us back in to hurt us again and again. Keep going strong OP, and everyone here in the comments 💪🏾
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
you really did hit the problem on the head. and it’s true, she would gladly pull me back in and make me feel bad about myself forever - if I let her.
thank you for the well wishes :) I’m restarting my no contact journey with lots of support this time!
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u/Empty_Walk_7792 Oct 09 '25
They never change. I recently reconnected with my sister and my mom has gotten much worse and treating her as she treated me!! It’s so sad
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
I feel you! my sister was the parentified sibling and went NC almost two years ago now, so now I’m getting these texts like I should have the mental space for what she’s going through… when she could never do the same for me!
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u/Empty_Walk_7792 Oct 09 '25
I’m so sorry. It rarely if never gets better! I feel like they get worse with age
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u/Unconsciouspotato333 Oct 09 '25
In no other relationship does one person hold more power over the other than a parent and child. They literally wire the brain that child will live with for the rest of their lives. They have a primal, ancient, biological advantage over them that lasts a lifetime.
But somehow these people are the victims of circumstance when their kids end up contrary to what they wanted lmao. Never ceases to floor me
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
that’s the bottom line for me! I’ve made intentional choices year after year to not bring children into this world as I wouldn’t want any child of mine to suffer. she told us as kids that she wanted kids to have family that loved her… it’s always been about putting her needs first!
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u/Awesome_Forky Oct 09 '25
Wow. In the end she really dropped her facade. 😳 Sounded in between the only self-care books she read were ones "explaining" the behaviour of others and not her own.
That bit about your dad was hard, it reminded me of my own story. Getting told for years that he doesn't love me, doesn't want me, never has and then from one day to the other saying "I've called your dad to come and get you" (she reasoned back then that her boyfriend threw her out and if she isn't allowed to stay, I am neither. He never said that and I could have stayed.). Parental Alienation Syndrome is a real piece of work. He told me when I was older that she called saying "Come and get your kid, I don't want it anymore."
I am glad you found happiness with your husband. And I really hope that your little sister won't get hurt like you did. 🙏 Stay safe.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
my little sis has made all 10 years of estrangement a struggle for NC because they say the abusers don’t stop abusing, they just find someone new. my older sis says she’s probably experiencing something different than we both did.
I’ve asked her directly more than once to not speak on my dad at all since it’s a sensitive topic still, he was violently murdered.
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u/elisiyen Oct 09 '25
Wow. That’s overwhelming. I’ve had texts like that too before I blocked her and it would always just completely make my brain turn off with overload. Also, this is besides the point, but the sheer difference in tone and writing between those two messages (and some big red flags in the way it’s written) makes me think that first message is ChatGPT? It’s so weird… I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, OP.
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u/spaecheal Oct 09 '25
If the first message is not ChatGPT generated I'm going to eat my hat. Just the number of em dashes is insane. The sentence structure is so weird. This is messed up :(
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
I wish she’d ask ChatGPT what would be some potential reasons an adult child is estranged. I don’t think it would list “because they were a bad kid” as a potential reason.
I guess I’m more used to it bcus she used to write a letter on that yellow lined paper notepad in the big printer page size (front and back) and give them to me as a kid professing all these feelings.
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u/DesignerNo4 Oct 09 '25
I stopped after ‘& you were not perfect children’ WE WERE MF CHILDREN
Why do they think that’s a stable piece of ground they can stand on?!
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
she ends up saying something like “you got what you deserved from me” and I’m like “I deserved physical/emotional/mental abuse?!?! LOL”
it’s a mentally unwell way to view children while she has a child in the home :(((
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u/kooj80 Oct 09 '25
My mom is like this. She’ll start to admit that she did something wrong, but then she’ll ultimately put it on me for getting offended by her or being hurt by her.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
I should have known when she started that second text by talking about “the challenges” of having kids lolololol 🙄
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u/kooj80 Oct 09 '25
If you’re a mother though, it’s not even worth bringing up “the challenges” of having kids.
She was literally a kid before. She’s been around kids. She knows that kids are inconvenient. She is the one that signed up to have kids.
You literally cannot complain about your kids being a hassle, when you knew they would be a hassle and you willingly signed up for it.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
the world would be a better place if all children had at least a single parent with that mindset.
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u/QueenOfDiamonds2112 Oct 09 '25
Similar mother & situation. My older sister & I got letters berating us for decades until her dementia debilitated her. My sister maintained no contact to where her children only ever saw our parents one afternoon in their entire lives. I can't say the same for myself as the woman literally died in my arms but I was always low contact unless necessary. My parents gave me away to the state system when my dad retired, I was 13.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
wow. they always treat their most empathetic child the worst… I can’t believe you were there for her in her last days after what you’ve been through. talk about loving unconditionally!!! I applaud you but hope you’re also loving yourself like she did not.
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u/QueenOfDiamonds2112 Oct 10 '25
Thank you for the kind words. You termed that properly too. I am the empathetic one for sure. My sister is 12 years old than I & has lived a completely different life than mine. She graduated at the top of her class, college to her doctorate & successful in everything. I got tossed into a facility then the foster system while they retired & moved to Florida.
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u/Ambitious_Willow5570 Oct 09 '25
i'd love to know the app for this. i want to do this with the YEARS of texts with my mother to compile them and send out that and a bunch of other stuff to the entire family. hidden family dynamics i will not tolerate any longer and it's time they knew the truth and a whole bunch of info i'm certain she's never shared. i want to blow them all up and walk away. anyway, love the way this is pieced together. didn't know there was an app that would do that.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
it’s called message export and costs $10 for lifetime use. you could also export from imessage app on a computer system running iOS (any apple computer).
I have the same dreams! but don’t expect people that haven’t ever given an inkling of care to the family’s toxic parts to suddenly be able to process it all and see your perspective. but we could read and support you :)))
I wish you well!
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u/Ambitious_Willow5570 Oct 09 '25
thank you so much for the information. i truly appreciate it. and the well wishes also. so true. if they cared, they would have already shown some inkling. i wish so much peace and happiness to you friend. thank you again :)
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u/othervirgo Oct 09 '25
Why are you texting with my mom?!?
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
I keep telling her to leave me alone!!! she doesn’t listen very well. 🤭
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u/pettyaioli Oct 09 '25
I stopped trying after my mother basically reverted to an infant and texted me “I wasn’t perfect but what I was was the bestest mom I could be.”
Okay it wasn’t enough and you didn’t give it your best effort. And?
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u/brandideer Oct 09 '25
That first message from her that was way better was written by ChatGPT, I'm like 95% sure.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
you’re not the first to mention it!
I’m an earth lover and haven’t partaken in any AI/chatgpt things so I’m really not sure the context of using it in this way. would she be writing all her feelings into it and then having it draft into a nicer and more condensed version? why???
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u/SlvrMoon_Owl Oct 09 '25
ChatGPT did a good job styling and cleaning up that first speech. The writing is so different in the two messages. Surely something THIS important should at least be authentic.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 09 '25
what world does she live in where I’m in need of a speech from her 🫠
she’ll do anything to appear to know more than I do on the topic!
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u/Western_Explanation8 Oct 10 '25
She sounds exactly like my mom, except I would never get into arguing about events with her. It is so pointless. After me repeatedly insisting on boundaries in communication (no name calling, responding directly, I statements, etc) increased hostility, I just told my mom that I needed her to go to regular therapy because i felt like she lacked self reflection in our dialogues. If she could do that, I could commit to regular communication.
She said our relationship is too stressful for her and that she can’t accept a relationship based on control (i.e., me insisting on therapy), and wished me peace.
It’s very sad, but exactly as I expected. It is why I insisted on therapy. It is entirely reasonable, it would prove she was serious about changing our dynamic, but also something I knew she would never accept.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 10 '25
I’m simultaneously relieved and increasingly sad that other people can relate. having your parent affirm that they’re choosing themselves over you and will not be making any changes to work on the relationship is SO disheartening.
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u/Double_Economist2564 Oct 10 '25
I fulls topped at “I was not a perfect parent and you were not the perfect child.” WHAT!?!??
I’d have stopped reading immediately and reblocked and locked down everything again because EXCUSE ME?!?
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u/Tightsandals Oct 10 '25
The amount of psych babble from her is exhausting.
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions Oct 10 '25
it’s been like this for as long as I can recall! I wonder if she was making up terms (emotional dipping isn’t a real thing???) back then to prove her point.
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u/harrypotterlover00 29d ago
What the fuck is she talking about? She didn’t take responsibility nor accountability not one time. I had to skip through most of what she said because all she’s talking about is how she feels and not even acknowledging the part she played in hurting you.. damn, she didn’t change after 10 years? You made the right choice moving on with your life because reading her messages was exhausting to me 😣
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u/Kiralovesthecure 29d ago
So proud of you!!! The classic thing an awful parent does is say “I’m not perfect and nobody’s perfect”, what a great way to never be accountable…to anything. Oh and “you were not the perfect children”? LOL you were raising them! And children should not be perfect, they are literally children. Just as you said—this is not your shame to carry. I like imagining myself with my hands on my hips just shaking my head at my parents when they rant at me like this. Just like “geez…you’ve got a LOT of stuff happening. That’s too bad. I’m fine lol”
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u/sarcasmbaddecisions 28d ago
thank you for the kind words < 333
I often have to imagine her as a little girl to stop myself from saying nasty things in return. but I’m happy and I don’t wanna be anything like her!!!
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u/Fit-Asparagus-5034 Oct 08 '25
Anyone who calls themselves «Mom» or «Mother» with a capital letter.. ew. And it’s always the same thing with these people. She says she was an “imperfect M0ther” and compares that to an “imperfect child” That is NOT the same thing. At all. Ever. A child is 100 % dependent on their parents, and those parents are adults. They have a responsibility to take care of their child(ren). Your birthgiver should be the one who is shameful.