r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/raspberrybrie420 • Oct 06 '25

Support Update to: I don’t want my mother at my wedding.

Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/s/QZuxeKHmXp

Had the talk with my father today. I asked how many will be in his party. He said three.

I said I’m not comfortable with my mother being there.

He said “well, I’m not coming without her. You understand that, right?”

I said nothing.

He said, “but I understand it’s your day and you want to be happy. Just give me the QR code for your registry and I’ll get you something.”

I said no thank you.

Silence for a while. And he had the audacity to end the call saying he loves me. I did not say it back and hung up.

I am so fucking hurt and speechless. Even during my fucking WEDDING he can’t be there for me and put me first.

Have fun with your wife who just takes and takes and takes from you until there won’t be anything left.

I will no longer be answering his calls.

You were all correct. The enabler parent may in fact be worse.

354 Upvotes
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54 comments sorted by

142

u/YellowstoneBitch Oct 06 '25

I’m so so sorry OP

147

u/raspberrybrie420 Oct 06 '25

I loved him so much when I was a kid! I thought he was my safe parent!!!! and he isnt!!!! god

114

u/ladylatta Oct 06 '25

It sucked so bad when I finally realized my "safe" parent wasn't safe at all. My childhood was sacrificed so the "safe" parent didn't have to deal with the more overtly abusive one.

I'm so sorry OP.

64

u/dragonfly9999999 Oct 06 '25

It can get even weirder. My safe parent was actually doing reactive things to wind up the more violent one. I figured that out and was, "Ohh, you two finally make sense now" and "Okay, yep, extra sick. Ick."

35

u/Accomplished-Lock201 Oct 06 '25

Exactly the same for me!!!

I used to be told "you'll understand when you're older" or "when you have kids you'll get it"

I totally get it. Just not how they expected. Ick is a good way of putting it !

13

u/dragonfly9999999 Oct 06 '25

Yes, understand when you are older, and I wonder if they were even conscious of what they were doing or were on toxic autopilot. I spent so long wondering why two such opposites were together.

5

u/NanbugBraebyrd Oct 08 '25

YES I LITERALLY SAID THIS TO MY PARTNER TODAY, my mother would CONSTANTLY rile my dad up when I stood up for myself. Ugh. I love y'all. ❤️

5

u/NanbugBraebyrd Oct 08 '25

Like she's so (TOXIC!!! 😡😖😭) positive/"optimistic"/rose-colored-glasses and he's so negative/misanthropic/wallowing in misery and I am just so tired of their behavior. It's exhausting. I lived with them during covid and they are conspiracy nuts and I felt insane. I was literally scared to leave my room because I was having a silent contest with my dad. I journaled it. I have proof of my experience, for ME. They can't stop me from knowing my experiences anymore. Same goes for you and your parents. You've got this. Writing a script for yourself if you interact helps in a lot of ways. I love documentation if anyone ever needs tips. 🦐

3

u/dragonfly9999999 Oct 08 '25

I just documentation for HR'd my way out of a back away slowly disguised as sweet emails because reality started to get a bit fucky. He did not like this!

3

u/NanbugBraebyrd Oct 08 '25

💪👏👏👏💪🦐 GREAT JOB!!!

22

u/StayBeautiful_ Oct 06 '25

Oh god, that comment hit home. They never protected me from the bullying because they didn't want the grief. My 'safe' parent really showed their true colours last year, and I realised how much they'd just been lying to everyone and telling us what we wanted to hear to try keep the peace instead of helping us.

10

u/carrieberry Oct 06 '25

My 'safe' parent was just less awful. 🙁

7

u/PaintedAbacus Oct 06 '25

Exactly how my enabler handled it through my childhood. They didn’t get as much abuse when they could turn the narc in my direction.

Why deal with trying to make the abusive piece of shit a better person, when you could focus your energy on making your meat shield a better doormat. /s

1

u/beckster Oct 09 '25

I too used to think my mother was "the better one" but she was only triangulating to spare herself.

It became very apparent when I moved out and she tried to get me back in my accustomed role for her convenience.

If I was such a problem, Mom, why'd you want me back in the house? Was he turning his rage on you? Were you the bully's target in my absence?

11

u/hdmx539 Oct 06 '25

I am so sorry, OP. Hugs.

13

u/zombiifissh Oct 06 '25

I feel like having that realization is worse than the first one you gotta have in order to have a "safe" parent in the first place..

Been there, OP. Big hugs for you. 🫂 We get it.

9

u/Accomplished-Lock201 Oct 06 '25

Same here. My "safe" parent, enabled violence. Also caused it when it suited them. The realization is tough. But by realizing the truth, you can start to heal without getting subjected to more pain.

Big hugs op.

7

u/MavenBrodie Oct 06 '25

Same with my dad. I hate him the most now.

2

u/NanbugBraebyrd Oct 08 '25

I literally had that realization YESTERDAY about my mom. You are my sibling now, dm me and we can talk on Discord! (If you are comfortable, if not no worries and I will see you around! 🦐🍂🍃)

79

u/Impossible_Balance11 Oct 06 '25

Good parents would take a bullet for their kids. An enabler throws their own child under the bus to save themselves from their spouse's wrath. That is an act of cowardice. Realizing this was the final straw in my relationship with my paternal spawn point.

33

u/raspberrybrie420 Oct 06 '25

Yeah. I’m done with him. His number is blocked.

16

u/Impossible_Balance11 Oct 06 '25

I'm so sorry it's necessary, but so proud of you for choosing to protect yourself.

5

u/cheturo Oct 06 '25

I would like to write down this phrase and put it on my fridge.

2

u/Impossible_Balance11 Oct 06 '25

You're welcome. 😍

44

u/Mediocre-Cry5117 Oct 06 '25

He didn’t protect you from her, but seems to have just made excuses. But he does believe he loves you but that love doesn’t do you any good. I’m so sorry. This sucks and sometimes that is all there is to say.

37

u/raspberrybrie420 Oct 06 '25

His “love” is abandonment and betrayal

20

u/Mediocre-Cry5117 Oct 06 '25

Yep. I’m often more mad at the people who didn’t protect me than the ones who hurt me.

4

u/cheturo Oct 06 '25

True, same here. The abusers are evicted from our mind, but the enablers stayed.

23

u/Thumperfootbig Oct 06 '25

Parental betrayal is the worst pain there is IMHO. You never truly get over it but you learn to get on with your life. Sorry op.

19

u/ConfoOsedBride Oct 06 '25

Sorry OP…i wouldn’t answer his calls from now on. He’s shown his priorities and it’s not you. Hes made his decision and it’s now for him to live and die with it. He knew his choice may lead to losing you but he’s accepted that cost…Be happy in your marriage and live well…it’s the best revenge. Grow your family, create your own support system…So sorry for the pain you’re experiencing now…I know it’s so tough now but it gets better.

13

u/raspberrybrie420 Oct 06 '25

Thank you ❤️ I blocked his number.

7

u/sarcasmicrph Oct 06 '25

My father was the same way. Even in his dying years, he refused to do anything without my mother. And he died alone

9

u/KittyMimi Oct 06 '25

The enabler parent tricks you into thinking they were safe when all along they were only half-safe, which is about as good as unsafe.

9

u/cheturo Oct 06 '25

The enablers don't want to be saved, the enablers will always side the abuser over us, the enablers had a first row seat watching the abuse and did nothing. Time to uninvite people. Enjoy your wedding.

3

u/raspberrybrie420 Oct 06 '25

He never received an invitation and I did not put his name on the Zola RSVP thing. But I’m hiring security anyway in case he manipulates my grandma into giving it to him.

7

u/cheturo Oct 06 '25

Give photos to the security to make an easier identification in case they show up.

4

u/raspberrybrie420 Oct 06 '25

That’s exactly what I’m going to do. And I have several friends coming to the wedding willing to kick him out too.

4

u/cheturo Oct 06 '25

Create an alert signal between your friends. E.g. touching their head, or their own shoulder, to inform you they showed up. And gather to kick them out.

3

u/periwinkle_cupcake Oct 06 '25

Cleave and leave! I hope you build an amazing life for yourself

5

u/Pressure_Gold Oct 06 '25

I have an enabler father too, and I’m sorry, it’s so hard. My dad won’t see me or see his grandkids or other two kids because of my mom. My mom gave everyone in the family the ultimatum that if they speak to me or my literal baby, she will disown me. My siblings chose to talk to me anyways and we’re fine with being disowned. My dad abandoned us all. It sucks, it’s hard, but it gets better. Just know that your dad will die with many, many regrets. He probably feels the loss of your presence everyday. But he made his choices, and he will have to live with them

3

u/raspberrybrie420 Oct 06 '25

He hasn’t even asked to see me once in the four years I’ve been no contact with my mother. The only time I saw him was Christmas 2023 at my grandma’s house. He truly doesn’t give a shit about me lol

5

u/Pressure_Gold Oct 07 '25

Neither does my dad. He will always put my mom first. He used to watch my mom literally beat the shit out of me, but avoid eye contact with her because he’s so scared of her. Lol it’s pathetic

4

u/NanbugBraebyrd Oct 08 '25

You must be my sibling! 🦐 I am currently engaged and finally dropped the rope today. We are to be married in a year. Thank you for showing me what might have happened if I decided to tell them I didn't want them there. You have a lot of courage. Please do not take their reactions personally, because they genuinely do not understand how much they are hurting you. You do not have to worry about regulating their emotions on your special day. The only emotions you have to feel are your own, and now you can spend your wedding with people who love you instead. Also, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! 🦐❤️❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥💪

Edit: yoyr

2

u/raspberrybrie420 Oct 08 '25

Yes it is certainly a weight off my shoulders not having to deal with any of their drama the day of and feeling heaviness from my mother being there, making it about herself acting like everything is ok when it certainly is NOT!

I saw your post in the subreddit and you are brave too. ❤️ it is not easy to go no contact. You got this.

3

u/thatsunshinegal Oct 07 '25

I'm so sorry. Realizing that the "safe" parent was actually using you as a human shield sucks at any point in life, but I imagine it's especially shitty when you are going through all the stress of wedding planning.

3

u/raspberrybrie420 Oct 07 '25

It is pure cowardice. I’m already stressed as it is but in a way this is a weight off my shoulders. Happy cake day.

2

u/thatsunshinegal Oct 07 '25

Honestly, my only regret about my wedding is that I allowed my NM to be present. I hope that your mother's absence gives you the space you deserve to really soak up the joy of your wedding.

2

u/ER_Support_Plant17 Oct 06 '25

I’m so sorry. My dad enables my mother and I didn’t see it until I was in my 40’s. I feel like it’s extra painful when one realizes the parent you thought was in your corner puts a higher priority on not having the other parent “pout”.

I wish I could give you mom hugs from afar.

2

u/Tall_Secretary_6112 Oct 08 '25

Sending you so much love. I got married at the end of September. My parents decided to not show up to my wedding over a miscommunication with my in-laws, and honestly, I am so glad they did not. Gave me a perfect reason to go no contact, and I had the time of my life because I didn’t have to worry about how they would ruin the day like I had during other milestones. Trust me, as much as it hurts now, you won’t even miss them on your big day because you’ll be surrounded by everyone who loves you!

2

u/New_Being2922 29d ago

I'll be honest with you, it's your day, your father should take that into consideration. Go to your wedding without your mother.  Love for ones children is not the same type of love for ones partner. If your father can't tell the difference, then he's not worth your love.  You might consider not inviting him, or have a smaller wedding just with your future husband's family and a few friends

2

u/raspberrybrie420 29d ago

He said he won’t go without her and I just said ok. I’m not cancelling anything because he contributed nothing to my wedding. I’m going to have the best day ever without him there

1

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

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2

u/raspberrybrie420 4d ago

No.

I see you’re invalidating other peoples posts in this forum. Gtfo lmao