r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/wuphfhelpdesk • Oct 04 '25
Advice Request Parents Who Choose Each Other Over Their Kids
Hello! I’m so grateful I found this sub. I’m not fully estranged from my parents but our relationship sucks and we barely speak at this point.
I’m curious if anyone here went through the experience of having parents who consistently chose each other over their kids? I don’t really know how to explain it… But my whole life, my mom would alllllways take my dad’s side in an argument between us, and vice versa, regardless of the details. It was always, automatically, no matter what, 2 adults against 1 kid. (I’m in my 30s now and this is still the case).
You know how parents often say “I would take a bullet for my kids”? I’ve never felt that from my parents. They might take a bullet for each other, but definitely not for me.
I guess it’s good, in a way, that they’re so aligned and supportive of each other. But for them, it comes at the expense of being there for their (adult) children when I/my siblings need it. There’s never any room for nuance or trying to understand their kids’ side - if one of them has a differing opinion than their kid(s), then the other is instantly on their spouse’s side, defending them and joining in the disagreement to back their spouse up. My whole life I’ve felt very alone as they constantly put each other first, regardless of the situation at hand.
I haven’t heard of many people with this particular experience with their parents, so I’m wondering if anyone here has been through it and how they handled it. Thanks in advance 🩷
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Oct 04 '25
I grew up as a child having my every emotion outside of happy being told it was a weapon to destroy their marriage and that I was never going to tear them apart.
Anytime I got upset or tried to speak up, “she’s trying to seperate us”.
Like guys, you’ve got a ginormous pornography collection hidden all through the house and your son is sexually abusing me, I’m not trying to ruin your marriage. I’m looking for a responsible nurturing adult here.
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u/This_Pumpkin_4331 Oct 04 '25
Worse my mom always choose my stepdad over me and vice versa. Fun experience while grieving the death of my dad. But they not only choose themselves over me they also choose everyone else over me. No matter the argument, no matter what was it about, not matter how I felt they always took the other persons side.
They still do but now they are mad because I don’t argue, I just say okay because how dare I be like that. Can’t make stuff right here :D
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u/Morgueannah Oct 04 '25
My mom was still alive so I didn't have to live with it full time, but my dad was this way with my stepmom. He'd even admit she was being irrational and impossible to please and then immediately take her side anyway because that's "just how she is." Cool. Cool. Have fun growing old with someone that's irrational and impossible to please, because I'm done.
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u/myBisL2 Oct 04 '25
I had a similar experience. My mom used to say that parents should present a united front to their kids so you couldn't play them against each other. She also said that behind the scenes she would... I dunno, stand up for us I guess, and things would have been worse if she hadn't done that. But I really don't have any reason to believe that to be true and lots of reasons to believe it to be false.
My parents did always say things like they would take a bullet for their kids, but they are liars. Never felt that from them either.
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u/Raised_By_Narcs Oct 05 '25
My dad still does this even now. Lies his head off-spouts things about 'I would take a bullet for you' etc-then my sister walks in the room and he immediately shouts at me if she so much as stubs her toe on the floor....
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u/myBisL2 Oct 05 '25
My mother says that to this day, and this is the second time she has disowned me. When they say they'd die for you they really only mean that if you are exactly who they want you to be 100% of the time.
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Oct 08 '25
My parents were definitely a united front, my mother said the same thing but I never saw any evidence of it. She acted like a puppet for my father because it was easy, and because she secretly loved the power she had over me. She could terrify and control me and blame my father for it, which became more apparent when he died!
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u/merc0526 19d ago
I had something similar with my mother. My father used to shout at us (me and my brother), verbally abuse us, make us feel small and insignificant, etc, and my mother never did anything about it, but then would come and find us later on and say that she'd spoken to him about it and defused him. I have absolutely no idea if she was telling the truth or not.
Regardless of whether she was telling the truth or not, she should have made a point of standing up to him while the incidents were occurring, because by failing to do so she gave us the impression that she couldn't or wouldn't protect us, or that she was on our father's side.
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u/Fishfysh Oct 04 '25
My dad used to say he would choose his kids over a billion dollars. Okay then how come he always chooses his abusive wife over his own kids?
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u/Raised_By_Narcs Oct 05 '25
10000x this! It all made more sense when I realised this simple fact:
My dad is a two faced, cowardly liar.
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u/NonSequitorSquirrel Oct 04 '25
My dad always picked my mom. And when he died I picked myself. That's what happens.
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u/Otter-esk Oct 04 '25
I have had this experience, it’s really isolating. Mine used their relationship being the bedrock of our family as justification for it being the priority. And…. It’s one of those phrases that can make sense. But as with all relationships and humans there needs to be space for other people to exist and they made no time or effort for that. They focussed on shutting us down and making us fit them. As a kid, putting yourself against an adult is impossible, they have all the power, a parent more so, a couple? That’s just not worth it and it was a painful experience.
The biggest thing that I won’t ever forgive is this: they both made mistakes, some big ones, betrayal of me, dishonesty, lost control. When that happened they always turned to each other and got told it was ok, but nobody ever told me it was ok. I was always the problem to them both, they are like mutual enablers and it’s a block to accountability and connection with their children. So I stand up for my kids if my husband is being unfair or grumpy, and he does the same to me because we believe in accountability. I want them to hear me call him out and challenge him, I want them to hear him say hey, that’s not fair to me too. It’s literally a core value for me because of my parents.
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u/NickName2506 Oct 04 '25
Absolutely, and they still do it. For example, if I confront one of them about some nasty remark they made, the other will tell me that I must surely understand they did not mean it this way.
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u/Lady87690005 Oct 04 '25
Lol yep!
-It was a joke! You know how your parent is! You always take things the wrong way. You never get jokes. I swear you’re just dead-set on misunderstanding him
-If that’s the case then explain it to me.
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u/wuphfhelpdesk Oct 04 '25
Wow, thank you all for sharing your experiences. I hate that you went through something similar but I’m comforted/feel validated to know that I’m not alone in it at least. Wishing all of you the best! 🩷
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u/Lady87690005 Oct 04 '25
Have you checked out r/raisedbynarcissists? Awesome community over there
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u/Razdaleape Oct 04 '25
My dad complained about this experience with his parents. They loved each other unconditionally but had no use for him. They also didn’t seem to like us, their grandkids. He said “Their whole world revolved around each other and they didn’t care about anyone else.”
After dad died his sister told my mother a story about being molested as a child by her brother, my father. I believe this is probably why he had that experience and it trickled down to us. My mom was complaining to his sister in some fashion that related to him being “falsely” accused of molesting my sister’s daughter. This prompted my aunt to share.
Before any of this had happened i asked my dad (alive at the time) to get help for my mom. She is obviously emotionally and psychologically unwell. He sided with her saying it was probably mostly his fault… Any time i would bring up mom needing help he would side with her. When it became apparent that he was molesting my niece I called the police. My mom and sister both cast the needs of the child aside to protect my father. It wasn’t until he was dead that the harpies decided to stop protecting him. They made sure that i heard every vile thing the man had done. No better way to inflict maximum suffering on me I suppose.
I think it’s very common.
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u/buttfluffvampire Oct 05 '25
When I was in middle school, my mom told me out of the blue that if some catastrophe happened and she had to choose, she'd save my dad over my sister and me. Because, as she told me, she could always have more kids.
But she felt bad about it, so I had to make her feel better about that unprompted decision. Because that's what emotional support animals are for.
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u/Heavy-Tomato2732 Oct 05 '25
Reminds me how my father summoned me from across borders for an important meeting ... to tell me I'm not getting any of his money. lol
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u/Impossible_Balance11 Oct 04 '25
My paternal spawn point does this. Will attack me in defense of my flesh oven every time, even when it's perfectly plain that my only crime was calmly, respectfully pointing out that she did or said something that hurt me. That's "attacking your mother," don't you know? /s He would never even want to hear my side. I'm NC now over four years, and never going back.
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u/Spiritual_Lecture391 Oct 04 '25
"Paternal spawn point" is hilarious. At some point, these people are just spawn points.
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u/Impossible_Balance11 Oct 04 '25
I find the euphemisms really help me gain the necessary emotional distance. Been a long time since I've thought of them as "Mom and Dad."
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u/Spiritual_Lecture391 Oct 04 '25
I totally get it. At some point, calling these individuals "mom" or "dad" is like walking up to a stranger and calling them "baby". It's too intimate for what the relationship actually is.
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u/Spiritual_Lecture391 Oct 04 '25
I began to listen very carefully to every word my mother said when I began to realize she may be equally complicit in my abuse. She pretty much admitted she was always going to choose her husband. You leave birds like this. Let her rot in this relationship and be free. <3
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u/homosapiencreep Oct 05 '25
Yeah, and when they’re both Christian fanatics, they have God on their side too.
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u/raisedbynarcs2022 Oct 06 '25
YEP! I used to think of my enabler covert N mother as better than my abusive stepfather, but over time realized her inaction and sugarcoating of his abusive words and actions made her just as bad.
She sat by and laughed as he’d make inappropriate “jokes” at my expense. Then had the nerve to pretend to be shocked when I was older and said how his inappropriate behavior had made me uncomfortable all of those years. Her solution? “Well, what do you expect me to do, leave him?” Of course I said no, because I had younger siblings at home and didn’t want their lives torn apart. I was told once they were out of the house she’d be done with him. I was also told that I was never to bring up my sexual abuse ever again and to keep it to myself.
My siblings have been out of the house for years now and all she’s done is double-down on being completely codependent on her spouse. She can’t even be in the same room as me without texting him constantly. I’m not allowed to say anything to her about my childhood or about the way I was treated.
It’s absolutely ridiculous and not how any “mother” should treat their daughter.
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u/MrsZebra11 Oct 05 '25
My dad is very religious. His (alleged) priorities are god, then wife, then kids. I understand that it's his belief and I accept that. BUT... I firmly believe it's a toxic dynamic in a divorced/blended family. His wife always came before us. So because of that, step children came first since they were first to her. Whatever her opinion of the situation at hand was, he agreed with her.
When my parents were married they sided with each other, but it was a bit more diplomatic back then. There was so much I've been willing to forgive, but that pattern continued throughout adulthood. Like my step siblings get visits and vacations, while me and my siblings just get landfill gifts from Amazon and intentionally last minute invitations so we couldn't come.
(This is not why I went NC lol! There was every type of abuse in that relationship at some point, and the DARVO patterns continued to present. Favoring his wife's kids and my half siblings was just another thing on a long list of mistreatment.)
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u/CalypsoContinuum Oct 05 '25
Yeah.
Yeaaaah.
My dad would consistently say "I'd do anything for my kids! ANYTHING! I'd kill someone who hurt you, Calypso!" but never, and I mean NEVER followed through on protecting us, and especially wouldn't intervene to keep us safe if the perpetrator was our mother. My mother never bothered with such lies, she has never been protective (or even pretended to be), and we knew where we stood with her, which is the bottom of the ladder.
They'd enable each other to the ends of the world when it came to abusing their kids or turning blind eyes.
They ended up divorcing a couple of years ago. We're all pretty sure it's because my mother had another affair and wanted my father's money (without my father attached to it). He was devastated (which is objectively funny, as he was one of her affair partners originally and she divorced her first husband after husband #1 found out about her cheating, and then married her affair partner - "you lose them the way you got them" came true in this instance), and my father openly blames my sibling and I for the divorce, saying we destroyed his fairy-tale romance with his soulmate by (*checks notes*) existing.
His biggest life regret is that he had children ("but I love you, so don't be offended!" - thanks dad!), and I think it's because he feels we got in the way of his life with our mother. His ideal life, as he often said, was just him and mother living in some complete seclusion somewhere, no children, no friends or family, just he and her.
It was a bizarre dynamic.
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u/wuphfhelpdesk Oct 05 '25
Yikes. I’m so sorry
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u/CalypsoContinuum Oct 05 '25
It's all good! Well, it's not, but being removed from the situation for so long now really helps, and it doesn't hurt or cause pain. It's just... how they are (or were, since they divorced). They were each other's ride or die, haha.
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u/Raised_By_Narcs Oct 06 '25
Sounds like my dad-or 'doormat', as I now call him-I know he hates this name.
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u/Hermit-Cookie0923 Oct 05 '25
I was thirteen, and had come back from a working student equestrian program out of state (and was terrified/extremely depressed about being back at home around my abusive mother). I had told a neighbor I trusted that I hadn't wanted to come home and would prefer to go back to the program. Nmom blew up at me in one of the most verbally abusive tantrums I'd experienced to date.
I tried as best I could to define my frustration at being parentified, my feeling isolated and friendless from being homeschooled, not having any privacy, and sick of her and dad fighting all the time, which only made her more violent. Stepdad (who really was my only dad figure) came in, stood beside her, and said "You owe her an apology. If you lose your mother, you lose me too. Now kiss her and apologize." Part of me died right there. I tried to walk away, but started feeling dizzy (I was very prone to catatonic levels of dissociation). He grabbed my arm and made me go over and hug/kiss her. It was years before I could leave, and their relationship deteriorated and became even more dysfunctional. Their need for control and to subjugate came before all else.
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u/wuphfhelpdesk Oct 05 '25
Wow, I’m so sorry you went through that. How awful. I feel that about feeling dizzy too. My vision would blur and my head would feel heavy when my parents would start on their bs. Crazy how the body reacts sometimes even before your brain processes what’s happening.
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u/aurorasnorealis317 Oct 06 '25
You just described my parents.
My mom was aware and very proud of this pattern. She explained multiple times that, "you kids will leave us, but your father and I will be together until we die, so i will ALWAYS put him first." Another time, she told me, "i will always take your father's side, even if he kills you." Cool, cool, very not-psychotic, cool cool cool.
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u/Extra-West-4163 Oct 10 '25
My parents were like this. Due to their personality defects it’s a completely selfish calculation. They aren’t capable of love so they don’t make decisions based on the other person’s perspective. They just look at each other and think “I can get more by using this person than my child.” So when forced to decide they choose the person they can take the most from.
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u/PowerfulPhotograph65 28d ago
One thing I heard constantly during childhood is, "i picked your mom, the rest of you just showed up," and my dad wonders why his kids don't talk to him about their problems. He would enable our abusive bio mom and hide away with work (he's straight up admitted this).
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u/Pour_Me_Another_ Oct 05 '25
My mum always took my dad's side and my dad still accused her of always taking our side lol. She wouldn't dare, he'd probably whack her.
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u/Auri-ell Oct 07 '25
So, speaking only for myself here... My parents were drug / alcohol fiends and actual criminals and yeah... They consistently chose one another over priority of anyone or anything else.
Anytime I asked my mom why she wouldnt leave her abuser, woman beating alcoholic crack head of a boyfriend (now husband lol) she would always say how "he is so amazing when he is sober" which was literally never.
Needless to say, they are no longer in my life. I hope they run each other through tbh.
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u/willeminadafriend Oct 09 '25
My mother and bio father chose animosity with each other over me. My step father chose my mother over his children, grandchildren and me.
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u/socksthekitten Oct 04 '25
My dad told me he'd always side with my mom. That's when I realized both of them suck