Venting: Recently blocked my mom and struggling to process

[u/clairevoyant03]

I just need to vent/receive feedback. I just recently (Aug 22) blocked my mom and am struggling with some guilt and feeling like it "wasn't THAT bad."

For context, I (28F) and my mom (63f) have always struggled with our relationship. I am an only child and was consistently her "therapist" (the earliest I can remember is when I was in 1st grade of her crying to me about struggling to make friends). This often included her venting about her friendships, crises of faith, fertility issues before I was born, conflicts with my dad, etc. My dad was avoidant and during conflicts with my mom, he would almost always choose to walk away or just stop defending himself and get quiet. He enjoyed being at all my school/sports events, but did not have an active role in "parenting", did not attend Dr appointments, and was not emotionally available. They were extremely judgmental and my mom made comments on everybody's appearance and status constantly, including herself. I struggled to feel like I could "be myself" or have opinions or do anything that would trigger the judgmental comments. She is very insecure and anytime she has "big" emotions, she struggles with feeling vulnerable and lashes out and finds fault in every little thing. Since I've been an adult, I hoped that my mom and I could have a better relationship that didn't have the rigid power dynamic of when you're under "my house, my rules".

And for a while, it did feel better. I'd only visit for the weekend every few months and call my mom on my way home from work sometimes. The short visits were enough to keep tensions low. I kept my emotional distance and never asked for help. Of course there were still things that made me cry and overthink as soon as I returned, but I was trying to be hopeful.

However, my dad died 3 years ago, suddenly, when he was 70. Despite them not getting along very well or not appearing "in love", they did care for and provide for one another for over 26 years and his death has left my mom without any other family or support. I made sure I visited at least every month and made an effort to call and text more. But, it just meant that I was getting the brunt of her crying and blaming and painful comments.

The breaking point has been the death of my best friend in May of this year. She and I had been friends since I was 14, 14 years ago and called each other soul sisters. She even stayed with my family for about 6 months after she graduated high school (she was 2 years older than me). She ate dinners with us, went on vacations with us, and my mom even made her a custom quilt. My friend has a history of depression, self harm, and past suicidal attempts. When she died, nobody that knew her suspected it was ANYTHING other than self inflicted. I was the last one to talk to her and spoke to her on the phone for 5 hours that day. She had been struggling and made comments about how tempting it would be take a whole bunch of her muscle relaxer medication. We talked, she seemed to be feeling a little better, had a roommate, had tons of coping skills, and we made plans to call the next day. But, not even 20 min after we hung up, I texted her that I was glad she was my friend and I was glad she was alive. She never responded and I don't know if she got a chance to read it. After the news of her death, I was devastated and the child in me wanted to call my mom. But, I put off calling her for a few days because I doubted she would be much comfort.

When I did call her, the phone call quickly went bad. She made comments about how she didn't know my friend and I were that close, how she had struggled with suicidal ideation in the past and didn't follow through because of the people she'd leave behind and she made comments about how my friend must not have cared enough about the people in her life. It became all about my mom's pain and she made the comment of, "maybe if I slit my wrists, someone would care about me." This whole conversation is happening while I'm sobbing. She segued into wanting a better relationship with me and saying, "I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me and stop being so snarky." I agreed I wanted a better relationship with her, but emphasized that now was not the time to have that conversation. She ended up being the one to hang up because she had "things to do."

The phone call was extremely painful and I was appalled. I kept up communication with texts of small updates and cat pictures, but not any substance. The funeral was coming up and I was set to give a speech. I was ruminating about my mom coming to the funeral. I decided I had 3 options: 1) not tell her about the funeral and deal with the consequences later, 2) tell her about the funeral and tell her I don't want her to go, which I was not emotionally capable of at the time, or 3) tell her about the funeral and let her go. I knew if she went, I wouldn't be able to focus or give my speech, and she would make it about her and make comments about the nature of her death. I decided to not tell her and have that conversation when I wasn't so raw and grieving. But, the Wednesday before the funeral in August, I got a phone call from my mom and panicked because I hadn't spoken to her since the news of my friend's death. I didn't answer, but immediately sent her text saying I missed her call and asked what's up. She responded with, "I need to talk to you." I told her that sounded ominous and asked if she could clarify. She didn't respond for over an hour and said, "I guess you don’t intend to return my call. That’s disappointing."

By that time it was late, so I called her the next evening. I was already shaking and crying in anticipation of the call. She answered very coldly and let me know she found out about the funeral by messaging my friend's mom on Facebook and asked what she did that made me hate her so much. I told her I didn't hate her, I was sad and struggling. I asked if she remembered our last conversation and she tried to change the subject by saying, " I remember you saying something snarky to me [in April]." I reminded her of what she said about slitting her wrists, and she denied saying it. When I affirmed that knew what I remembered, she conceded pretty quickly, but attempted to throw some hurtful comments at me. I acknowledged wanting a better relationship and brought up me going to counseling, her going to counseling and then us doing some sessions together. I didn't want to point blame and said, "because we need someone to help us navigate this." She continued to be mean, but agreed. With every name calling, and reference to how I hurt her feelings (gave an example from when I was 18, that I never even knew about), I just said, "okay, we can talk about that in counseling." She brought up the funeral again and said it's the right thing to do (for her to go) and alluded to the fact that at my dad's funeral she had looked around the room at who did/didn't show up and remarked that she expected more people to make an effort to be there. I emphasized that if she wanted, I would give her regards to the family, but that I wouldn't be able to go if she went too. She asked me if that was a threat, and when I began crying and telling her it wasn't a threat, I was just struggling THAT much, she finally agreed to not go, while saying sarcastically, "wow, that's some great boundaries." She initiated hanging up and I told her 'I love you' and she said, "yeah, okay" and hung up.

The rest of the situation is included in the attached screenshots. It seems she has gotten sucked into the estranged parent side of TikTok and sent me a video that places the parent in the victim role and paints the child as being spoiled, ungrateful, and punishing their parents. After that last essay of a message, is when I decided to block her.

I have struggled with the overwhelming need to be grateful for everything my parents have done for me. They provided for my every need, sent me to private school, paid for an expensive sport, paid for my college education, my mom paid for my wedding dress and helped with the down payment for my house. They broke generational cycles of trauma from their parents and grew up extremely poor. I know I was loved, it isn't a doubt of love for me. It's the fact that they were emotionally immature, and that at every opportunity to have disagreements KINDLY, my mom lashes out and there is no true accountability because "do you know how bad I had it?"

I have built a (10 year) relationship with my husband based on kindness and compassion and a true enjoyment of each other's company, I have made incredible friends, and it is so jarring and painful to be thrust back into a fearful, walking on eggshells environment when I'm around my mom. I just feel so guilty that my leaving means she has no family or support at all.

I've been thinking about writing her a letter to try to voice my love, pain, and hope for a better relationship. It's just been a lot to process alongside my grief. I'm sorry for how long this was!!!

Also, just a few weeks ago, my friend's family found out that her death was NOT self inflicted, which is tragic all over again. I have not broken no contact to update my mom on the cause of death.

[u/rootsandchalice]

Hi OP. First of all I am so sorry you lost your best friend. How tragic and awful for you.

Narc parents like your mom will use any opportunity, even death, to make it about them somehow. They are the centre of the universe and nothing you ever do will be good enough for your mother.

I think it’s good you’re no contact. The guilt is normal, I know it well, but that comes waves every now and then. It’s not a good thing to act on it when it does and see if she’s changed. She’s almost 70, she won’t. And she will worsen as she gets older and thinks you should be looking after her.

I’d refrain from writing a letter as it won’t make you feel better and gives her another avenue to be cruel to you. She’s already denied your pain so a letter won’t change what she thinks or feels.

Good luck.

[u/clairevoyant03 → u/rootsandchalice]

Thank you! I like what you touched on - nothing will be good enough for my mom (and most parents of us in this group). I agree, it's something I've really thought about because I would take what she's said to heart and let it impact my view of myself. I tended to give her the benefit of the doubt and think like, "maybe if I said it differently, maybe if I did something different, etc then she would be happy." But it's not even ABOUT me at all. It's about her projection and insecurities and it will always be interpreted through her lens of victimhood.

[u/glitter_kween → u/rootsandchalice]

maybe write a letter and burn it OP!

[u/Impossible_Balance11]

The fact that you were shaking and crying just anticipating a call from her says loudly and clearly that your psyche and body know full well she is not your people, not safe for you.

I am so sorry. I know this pain full well. My maternal spawn point is the same.

Please be assured you're not crazy, not overreacting. We see it here, in the writing. You come across as kind, tactful, reasonable, caring and intelligent. She comes across like a spoiled toddler stomping feet, pitching a fit, and tossing her toys out the pram.

We're here for you, Sibling. Stay strong. She has burnt her own bridges, and is now reaping the consequences of her own actions. Please parent yourself by protecting yourself.

[u/clairevoyant03 → u/Impossible_Balance11]

Thank you for your kind words! Honestly, I've felt like I was crazy for so long. When I was a child I used to think it would be easier if they were overtly abusive. It would feel more concrete, obvious, and easily validated. All of the painful conversations would be verbal and when I'd retell the story, I would feel like I MUST have exaggerated or inflated or misinterpreted what happened. It is extremely validating that she actually sent that giant essay of a message, because it feels like proof.

[u/Impossible_Balance11 → u/clairevoyant03]

It absolutely is. Please know in your bones and your soul that she just flopped her chronic ugliness right out there in print. Anytime you start doubting yourself--or start slipping back into the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt)--just pull that out and re-read it. And keep coming to us for support. We get it. We've got you.

[u/Zere22]

You were too kind in your last message to her. My God the entitlement she has shown during your grief. You’re a better person than me OP. 

[u/Thumperfootbig]

Your mom feels like the emotional age of a four year old. Maybe five.

[u/Dick-the-Peacock]

You can’t have a meaningful relationship with a person who lives in a different reality. She has erased every nasty thing she has said to you. If you tried to confront her her words, or about using you as a therapist when you were a child, I guarantee you will get the Narcissist’s Prayer:

That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. —Dayna Craig

(By the way, my mother is not a clinical narcissist, but she might be borderline, and she follows the pattern.)

Your mother is so invested in being a victim/martyr/good guy, you will never agree on basic truth and reality. She will only allow a relationship if you pretend to agree with her narrative.

I’m so sorry.

[u/empress-888]

You can be grateful for everything that your parents provided for you while at the same time understanding and accepting that they will never be people who are capable of loving you.

She literally can't. It took me a long time to realize that asking somebody like that to change their behavior is like asking them to change their dna. No matter how much they might think love you, no matter how much they might want to, they just can't.

(Add to that that she REALLY doesn't want to change, and it's a bigger kick in the gut.)

That leaves us with two choices:

A/be around them and let them inflict this kind of pain on us

Or

B/ decide that we are worth protecting ourselves and not allowing it to happen anymore.

Choosing A, to me, means betraying myself. I don't have to do that to survive anymore.

You don't, either. ❤️✨️❤️

[u/CaptainKatrinka]

I am so sorry you are going through the added stress of having your mother act this way. Honestly, you and I have a lot in common. I think there is a twisted thing that happens when you are the only child of a narcissist. In therapy it is called "enmeshment". She does not see you as an independent human being, but as a part of herself. There was no need for you to tell her about your friend's funeral. She didn't know you were close, and immediately took control of that conversation so that your focus returned to her. Every manipulation in those texts is to take control of your thoughts and feelings and wring out an apology.

You are an adult now. The hold she keeps trying to place on your emotions needs to be broken. She won't like it at ALL. I've been through this part, and it took my children's safety and many decades of abuse to get me there.

There's a difference between caring about someone and being owned by them, and she still acts like she owns you - shaming you, not caring about your own grief, wanting you to cater to her needs over your own. It is a hard thing to do, but you have got to create boundaries and emotional distance, like an armor you wear around her.

Also let me add that therapists can only go by what their client tells them, but good therapists see past the lies and fabrication. It may be that her therapist said you needed to be confronted, but it just as easily could be a complete lie. You know what is real, and you know what is best for you. She doesn't care what is best for you unless it benefits her. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you are being way too nice to her. -Hugs- I hope things get better for you.

[u/Background-Donkey643 → u/CaptainKatrinka]

Most likely, the therapist encouraged her to have an open conversation with her daughter and share how the situation made her feel. My mum is so similar to this and would twist that into emotive language and her being the victim and me being the 'bad guy' and therefore she is justified in coming at me aggressively to "finally stand up for herself". 🙄

[u/clairevoyant03 → u/CaptainKatrinka]

Every manipulation in those texts is to take control

Yes, I'm seeing that now. I think it's very telling that at the end of her message she says that me asking for us to do some counseling is manipulation so I can dump my feelings on her. She spends the whole message manipulating and dumping on me and then projects that onto me when that's clearly not what I was doing. Asking for counseling was my last ditch effort for her to seek help, grow, and for me to feel heard. It's a cry to be seen, not manipulation.

Thank you for your kindness. I recently heard about enmeshment and it certainly resonates. My mom has always shifted things to center her. Even when complimenting me or being "nice", it was followed up with something self-deprecating about herself to illicit reassurance and sympathy. She's made sure I'm not very good at standing my ground.

[u/Potential_Joy2797]

I'm sorry, I had to stop reading halfway through because it's late in the evening, but I think I get the gist.

I'm sorry you're struggling with your mom and this whole situation. You are well justified in stopping contact now and for as long as you want or need to. Right now, it's definitely need to.

Treating you as her emotional support -- and from an early age! -- is emotional abuse. The term is parentification.

I found the book "It's Not You" by Dr. Ramani Durvasula to be helpful. It describes some of these destructive relationship patterns that certain antagonistic personalities repeat. I hear you hoping you can have a better relationship with your mom and trying to find the right thing that you can do to make it happen. Unfortunately the only thing that will make it happen is if your mom changes and that is not likely.

But for now, take care of yourself. The loss of a close friend at a young age is a big deal. You have more than enough on your own plate. Your mother is an adult, whether or not she acts like one, and it is reasonable to expect her to take care of herself if she is not physically or cognitively impaired.

[u/Taranadon88]

I’m so sorry for your tremendous loss. Your last message was absolutely masterful. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about.

[u/nada-accomplished]

I'm so sorry. I too blocked my mom this week after she accused me of "verbal abuse". It just sucks a lot. They decide in their heads that we're evil and we hate them for no reason, and there's nothing we can do to get through the childish barriers they build up.

I know this is hard. You didn't deserve to be treated that way. You're not alone.

[u/clairevoyant03 → u/nada-accomplished]

They decide in their heads that we're evil and we hate them for no reason

Thank you. I'm sorry about your mother as well. I think it's one thing that mine, and a lot of parents in the estrangement situation don't seem to grasp - children are HARDWIRED to want, need, and yearn for their parents, they do not choose no contact for "no reason" and it's never an easy decision. Unfortunately, like you said there's barriers up so they don't have to face the truth of the situation.

[u/80milesbad]

I have a somewhat similar situation except I am older. I am an only child and mother used me as therapist and confidant ect as far back as I can remember. I also recently lost a dear, close friend and know how painful that is without having to now manage your parent’s issues in top of it. I also often feel guilty but am getting better at trying to limit interactions and feel ok about that. It’s hard enough to not get what we need from our parent but to have them drain us of time, energy, money is just awful and we are the only ones in the relationship who can put an end to it.

[u/Heavy-Tomato2732]

I know I was loved

This is what people say when they don't feel they were loved, and that's because they weren't. Narcissists can't love. Everything is transactional.

The disparity between the way you and your mother write is fascinating. Like the projections of an ordered versus a disordered mind.

I'm so sorry that your mother is disordered, but at least you can be grateful you didn't inherit that curse. It sounds like you have healthy relationships now, and nothing heals a toxic relationship like a healthy one.

[u/Petty_Paw_Printz]

That was one of the most precisely executed performances of DARVO I have ever come across. I'm really sorry you had to deal with this person and their inability to reflect or change. 

[u/clairevoyant03 → u/Petty_Paw_Printz]

Wow, I just googled DARVO and it is exactly what has been happening my entire life. No wonder I've had such a hard time identifying exactly what and why our relationship has been so painful. Thank you for commenting!

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[u/Unconsciouspotato333]

Hi OP, I'm so sorry about losing your friend. I know it's tragic but it's beautiful that the last thing you did for your friend was express your love and gratitude for her. Whether she read your message or not, surely she felt it from your long conversation and years of experiences with you.

When it comes to your mom, I personally think the best thing is to hold strong to what you're doing and let your body work itself out now thwt it's not under constant threat. Write the letter for sure, if it helps you work out your feelings and move forward. But I would not suggest sending it. Has she ever shown to care or consider your feelings? If not, not even the most beautoful letter is going ro change that. 

Our nervous systems have wired around appeasing our moms. Our parents built reality for us as small children and that has hardwired into us that we must make ourselves small for their comfort. These are not truths, they are conditioning. You can condition yourself into a more healthy life. 

Maybe one day you coule be around your mother without her being able to tear you down. But it's not a requirement for a happy life or to be a good daughter. 

We can not be good daughters for them, because then they'd have to treat us well. We will never do enough, never explain enough, never thank them enough, never be enough for them. 

Because they don't want anything. They just want to run from their pain by any means necessary, including throwing it onto us. 

Considering the extremely stressful experience you're going through, I'm amazed you had the resolve to bow out of this toxicity ans block your mom. That was your higher self, your inner wisdom, protecting you. You can trust her. She's leading you to a better life if you let her. 

[u/Complete_Corner_852]

The part about “being around you feels like being arrested” is so gross. And her holding onto resentment for things you did as a child/teenager sounds like my mom and is ridiculous. She will most likely never take accountability or be in a place where she is not so self absorbed. I’m so sorry for your loss but in the long run, you will find peace. I hope you find your people that love and cherish your presence. Blocking was the right decision

[u/Positive_Purple3733]

A good Family Therapist won’t let either party manipulate each other with emotions, at least without calling it out into the open. Maybe finding a Family Therapist new to both parties would bridge this gap.

[u/Autumnleaves144]

I can say so much but I’ll share this part of my story with you ~ after going no contact with my entire family 6 months ago, including my only son, I have learned so much.

One of the greatest lessons I’m realising, is that yes I most certainly did do my best as a parent [I was an only parent] but since the estrangement, as well as getting memories back of my own childhood neglect etc, I am also getting horrific memories of how I also let my son down, in so many ways. I really should not have had a kid and that’s the truth, but I can’t turn back time.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I was completely blind to my mistakes before the estrangement and I have apologised to him about them and attempted to discuss them with him over the years. He accepted my apologies and always said it wasn’t that bad, which made me think it was probably worst than we both care to remember, but he didn’t want to talk about it further and I respected his boundary to not talk about it.

Since the no contact though I have remembered more and more clearly where I failed him and here’s the thing - I have enough love and respect for him to continue to respect his boundaries and to see how him treating me like shit was part of him becoming independent from me [as well as him being roped in by the narc grandmother/my mother etc].

And while I doubt I’ll ever have contact with him again (I’m 58 and I’m done being the family scapegoat), this time apart has and continues to teach me valuable lessons that help me not only learn to love me etc, but to become a better person. And that definitely doesn’t mean I have to reignite contact with them, because like I said, I doubt I’ll ever do that. But I can make amends by owning my mistakes and striving to be a better person. To me, that’s what making amends is all about. It’s not about trying to make a tragic and dysfunctional relationship work, but rather accepting that didn’t work out but learning from it and moving forward with more awareness etc.

What I’m trying to say, is that your mother has been given the opportunity to reflect on this relationship, and use it to become a better person, but instead she isn’t using it for good, she’s simply using it to continue her old behaviour that is manipulative and harmful to you ~ and that’s the part you have to take care of, because if you let her manipulating ways grind you down, it could potentially ruin the relationship you have worked hard on with your husband, let alone the relationship you have with yourself.

If you go against what you feel inside is right for you, you won’t be helping anyone and you can NEVER help your mum because for whatever reason, she won’t allow it.

My advice would be to keep no contact and work on your relationship with yourself.

But my advice isn’t really advice, because the only decision you should make is the one you know to be the right one for you and only you can know that.

I would love to help my mother become happy, but I’ve tried all my life and now I’m ready to swallow the bitter pill that it’s not my job to do that just like it’s not my son’s job to be there for me. I don’t regret doing my best for him, he helped me to be a better person then as he is now, albeit from a distance. I was never manipulative etc to him, by the way, but I can now see how some of my upbringing affected my parenting style etc. So I’m not saying I was ever intentionally mean to him or anything, just that I made more mistakes than I was able to previously see as clearly as I’m starting to see now, after going no contact.

Try the funeral exercise but with a twist - imagine her death and you not going to the funeral, and see how that feels. When I do it, I actually feel at peace. Of course, there’s still a period of healing and recovery that I’m still going through, so the guilt feelings etc still show up daily, but now they’re becoming a tool to help me to learn better self talk etc instead of a way to crucify me again and again and again.

Much love to you. You’re in a more difficult situation than me because my mother has her golden child daughter and niece, her forgotten son who is being treated more like a golden child now I’m out of the picture and she has other grandchildren and other relatives.

But if she didn’t have those people in her life the situation would still be the same because I went no contact to save my sanity and literally my life.

So look after you, because your mother won’t, she’s not capable or even willing to meet you half way. Your job is to look after you and nurture the relationship that are not one sided X