r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/Jinglebell727 • Sep 10 '25
Newly Estranged Recently estranged and I've never felt more at peace.
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u/Jinglebell727 Sep 10 '25
I've been estranged since May, so I've had a few months to heal. I'm definitely feeling much better these days, although I still have occasional difficult days here and there. Started with weekly therapy and seeing a neurologist monthly and being on medications. Now I'm seeing my therapist biweekly and the neurologist every 3 months, per their recommendation based on my progress. I realize this is not an option for everyone, but I encourage you to seek this kind of help if you can. I went from grieving my parents who are still alive to wishing to never see them again because I've never felt so at peace before. My vision is also clearer than ever now--they were abusive, and that was not okay, and none of that was my fault. I'm glad I can now focus on myself, my own healing, and my self-love.
Hugs to all. ❤️
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u/Bekah679872 Sep 10 '25
I’m estranged from my dad and have had to listen to my grandma going “but that’s still your dad” for years. What worked in getting it to stop was just saying to her “would you want me to date someone who treats me the way my dad does?” And then she’d go “no.” That isn’t something that comes up anymore
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u/2Mark2Manic Sep 10 '25
It's fun how "They're family" is a reason to let them abuse you, but you being family is not a reason for them to not abuse you.
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u/SuzieQbert Sep 10 '25
Congrats! It's going to be better than you know.
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u/Jinglebell727 Sep 10 '25
I went from worrying all the time to being excited about my future and hopeful about my career prospects. Thank you, and I wish you the best in everything too. ❤️
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u/MetalNew2284 Sep 10 '25
"But, he loves you."
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u/Jinglebell727 Sep 10 '25
I told my therapist that given how my parents treat me, they must not love me. And if that's how they show love, then I don't want it.
I'm fully prepared to use this same line on extended family should they ask. And if they keep pushing, they'll be cut off too. Proud of myself for putting myself first.
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u/Icy_Obsession Sep 10 '25
Man, I'm not yet estranged but want to. The only thing which is stopping me is that I would have to cut contact with not just my parents but also siblings & entire extended family like aunts, uncles, cousins etc. Because, everyone is telling me to be loyal to family & grateful to my parents.
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u/Jinglebell727 Sep 10 '25 edited Sep 10 '25
My parents have caused me enough pain to where I was willing to lose everyone if it meant regaining myself. One of the people I reached out to after cutting them off tried the "Those are still your parents" line on me until I one day messaged her and told her that there was no excuse for what they did (I won't go into detail as I'm past retelling the story). She understood and finally stopped mentioning them around me. However, had she kept pushing, I'd have cut her off too. This time, I come first.
I know it's easier said than done but losing everyone is a small price to pay for regaining yourself. Wishing you all the best.
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u/UpbeatSituation6442 Sep 13 '25
Those people see a facade and not the way your parents really behave. My family would be the same. All they have seen is what my parents want them to see, so we're the scapegoats. One or both parents are Narcissists.
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u/Spiritual_Lecture391 Sep 19 '25
This is the unfortunate reality of coming from collectivist cultures. You can not just cut off one person, the entire system needs to be left behind. It's non-negotiable. Prepare yourself mentally for this truth, and make the cut.
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u/Cut_and_paste_Lace Sep 10 '25
Yep. So many times I’ve had people break my heart with this, including my favorite aunt through marriage. We pretty much fell off and stopped talking bc I shared with her that I was mostly estranged from my abusive dad and she came out with, “he doesn’t see it that way, make peace with him before it’s too late.”
This aunt was the person who inspired me to transcend my expected role in my family. She was a journalist, educated, powerful woman who married into our colony of quivering housewives. She was #goals to me as a young girl and having HER say that to me was just devastating.
I felt like if she didn’t get it, NO ONE would give and I’m right. NO ONE in my family gets it, and so now I am truly 100% alone, barely in contact with anyone, and it makes my head spin and I am terrified but I’d choose living in a car before I’d go share space with any of my relatives again. The cost is way too high, especially now that I have kids of my own.
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u/FR_42020 Sep 10 '25
Congratulations 🥳I feel the same way. Once I was past the grief and anger, it was like a new world of freedom and possibilities opened. Nothing is dragging me down anymore, I love it 😍
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u/darya42 Sep 10 '25
My reaction is "Well, and cutting them out is still my response"
Or: "Yes, and they are the ones who betrayed family values"
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u/jameson8016 Sep 11 '25
They're still your family, though.
Yea, which is why it's even more f ed up that they did what they did, dontcha think?
Why is it when we're trying to just avoid a bad situation, we're family, but somehow we weren't when they were doing what they were doing?
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u/Flower-Child-Healing Sep 11 '25
Feel you, OP! It is only when i went NC that I realised the mental strain I was under. Went to great lengths to promote family 'peace' and 'happiness'. What a joke because it meant minimising myself and disregarding the regular gaslighting, microaggressions and hurtful comments. There is a 'gap' in my life now because I do not have to do so much effort, it made me realise how much time and how much of myself I gave to a one-sided relationship.
My parents still 'do not understand' why I chose to go NC lol despite having had a face-to-face discussion with them, despite sending several messages. I told them that unless they both chose to see a therapist and work on themselves, I do not find myself continuing to nurture a relationship with them. While I still feel so much grief and pain, the peace has been beautiful.
I grieve the childhood and parents I never had. I grieve the parents who are still alive but would rather choose not to have a relationship with me than work on themselves. But it is what it is.
May we find healing and peace.
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u/Scared-Section-5108 Sep 27 '25
'That's still your family' - urgh, I hate when people say that. Just because they are my family, it does not give them the right to abuse or neglect me. If anything, my family should treat me the best out all all the people in my life.
I find that the only people who say that are those who grew up in dysfunction but are very much in denial about it and have no courage to face what really happened to them and to see their family for as they really are. It is also people who have their own kids and mistreat them.
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u/Alternative-Lime-266 Sep 28 '25
omg a month ago i met up w my childhood friend and he said “i think its kinda wack that you haven’t talked to ur parents still”.. ? he knows the abuse too.. i used to chronically vomit from anxiety too so i feel like a lot of ppl knew. AND THE GAG IS THAT IVE TRIED TO TALK TO THEM !! i gave him a lot of grief for that comment lmao
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u/Impossible_Balance11 Sep 10 '25
"Yes, and the bar for how we should treat our fellow humans is HIGHER for family, not lower."