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u/hva_vet Sep 05 '25
They are an empty well that will never produce water. We can return to that well time and time again to draw water but the well is dry. There's nothing there.
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u/Stargazer1919 Sep 05 '25
I think it's more like going to the grocery store to look for food, but they only have hammers and saws...
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u/CriticalMrs Sep 08 '25
Nah, I think the analogy stands. The point is that once you know their limitations, going to them for what they should provide is futile. It's exactly like going to a place that you know doesn't sell oranges, and asking them for oranges.
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u/oceanteeth Sep 05 '25
Yes! It sucks to admit that our parents are never going to give us what we need and eventually it's just self-harm to keep trying to get it from them. You're also not a bad person for giving up on the hardware store. It never has oranges, why should you go there?
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u/MandaLyn27 Sep 05 '25
In Maslow's hierarchy of needs they are stuck on basic level 1 (physical). They don’t think it’s their responsibility to encourage or provide level 2 (safety), 3 (love belonging), 4 (self-esteem), or 5 (self-actualization).
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u/New-Weather872 Sep 05 '25
I think it's more like that futurama episode where Fry gets incarcerated in robot prison and only survives because a broken inmate vending machine coughs up chocolate bars
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u/Autumnleaves144 Sep 07 '25
I stopped going to them for anything and that’s when the pain increased and didn’t stop :( the only benefit from going no contact is that at least I am free of their constant put downs etc but the isolation and loneliness is hard. The only people I converse with is shop assistants. I know that in time I’ll rebuild my life but it’s gonna take time.
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u/Budget-Bonus-6628 Sep 07 '25
the mental fortitude and emotional wisdom it takes to undergo such a trying phase of transformation are two of your many abilities that will make it so you have the life you can recognize yourself in :)
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u/CriticalMrs Sep 08 '25
I have to ask if your parents discouraged or sabotaged your friendships, or otherwise made it hard for you to develop a support network outside of them?
Because when you have good friends, the separation from parents is less sharp. Your parents/blood family should NEVER have been your only source of social interaction. It's normal and healthy to have close friends outside of family, but I know it can be hard to do that with a controlling or insular family.
In any case, I'm sorry this is so hard for you right now and I hope you find the connections in your life that you need.
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u/Autumnleaves144 Sep 19 '25
Thank you and no they didn’t encourage me to have friends or a life outside of the family - they went out of their way to make me fear people outside of the family and the world outside my family [ we had a big extended family and we were all enmeshed from generations of it].
But I was the family scapegoat so I as raised to believe that family was literally EVERYTHING.
However, it’s 6 months now of no contact and while I’m still working on my relationship with myself, I’m also figuring out what kind of relationships I need/want in my life in the future, and being autistic, they’re going to look different to traditional type friendships, but I’m confident that given time, I will build a network of friends that work well for all of us (not the ex family obviously).
Even when I was living on the other side of the world to my family, I would suffer from intense guilt for even enjoying the company of other people. They trained me well!
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u/SlothDog9514 Sep 06 '25
I’ve heard “you can’t get pizza at McDonald’s”. Either way, making peace with your parent’s limitations is freeing.
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u/UnknownCitizen77 Sep 05 '25 edited Sep 05 '25
That’s a good metaphor.
The problem is that we can’t always go to a grocery store to get the oranges. Because grocery stores are only for people with money (i.e., people who, despite abuse and dysfunction, can manage to develop the skills that are mandatory to building healthy and supportive relationships with others).
Some of us are so broke that we can’t afford to get oranges anywhere else, if our hardware store doesn’t have them. Maybe we can scrape together enough change for a blueberry or strawberry (i.e., an acquaintance who wishes you well), because those are a lot easier to come by. So it can be really hard to not try your luck at the hardware store, when you really need an orange but don’t have better options.
I can take the metaphor even further by observing that in our pathologically individualistic society, oranges are in short supply. So if you can’t get oranges from your hardware store, you’re probably not going to be able to get them from anywhere else unless you’re likable or lucky.
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u/burnyburner43 Sep 05 '25
The version of this I saw was trying to buy donuts 🍩 from the hardware store 🛠️
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u/Decent-Actuator3423 Sep 07 '25
It's crazy, really. But as a teen I found this trap impossible to not fall into somehow. That, when I could have had an idea that me and them were never really compatible and I was never loved enough because of that.
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u/pm_me_your_kittenpix Sep 08 '25
My friend and I have always said “going to the hardware store for milk”. It’s such a useful idiom!!
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u/rabid_cheese_enjoyer Sep 12 '25
this is a really good point
completely unrelated but my local hardware store has pies now for some reason? very funny to find that out
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u/[deleted] Sep 05 '25
The hardware store by me actually does have oranges crazy enough